Custody of DS

[needtostaystrong]

After yet another row with DP, I have told him that I have had enough and want to split up. We have been here so often but he always talks me round or just acts as if nothing has happened and I always cave in. I dont know why as he doesn't seem any happier than me.

My biggest concern is DS who is 2 in Feb. he seems oblivious to everything at the moment but I can;t bear that he will grow up
thinking that this is a normal relationship.

For all his faults, DP is a good dad. Not always as patient or hands on as he could be but he adores DS and DS him. DP has always said to friends that if we ever split up he knows that I would never try and stop him seeing DS and he is absolutely right. Regardless of my feelings for DP, the only thing that matters to me is DS's happiness and I think it is very important that he has a good relationship with both his parents.

Just to give you a bit of background, DP and I are not married. We live in a house in my name so DP will be moving out. DP works time and I work three (short (9.30-3) days a week - my mum has DS two of these days and he goes to nursery 9-3 the other.

The thing is when every we have discussed this previously, DP always threatens or hints that he would fight me for custody. Or he says that he wants to have him 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I dont think this is practical for lots of reasons. Mainly because I think DS is too young to go 3 or 4 days without seeing either of us. I know I couldn't bear it either. It also isn't very practical as DP works full time - I think originally he thought we would just continue as we are with me/mum looking after DS during the day. I said that if he had shared care he ould be responsible for DS during the days when DS was with him (not sure this is correct?). He then said he would put DS in nursery for his days even a) though he wouldn't be able to afford it and (b) he has always said he doesn't want DS to go to nursery for full days.

I have thought about this a lot and I am going to suggest to him was that he has DS 3 nights a week - 2 set nights during the week and then alternate Fri night/Sat day and Sat night/ Sun day. During the day we will contine as we are with DS going to nursey 1 short day and me and mum having him the rest of the time. No maintenance to be paid but DP to pay 50% of the nursery costs.

DP has no savings so I would need to give him the money for a deposit and a couple of months rent on a flat nearby so he has somewhere to take DS (I know that he would want to stay nearby).

I know it sounds like a lot to-ing and frowing and this may need to be reviewed as DS gets older but at the moment I really think he would be fine with it. He is more than happy as long as he is with one of us (or my mum!).

I am going to go and see a solicitor in the new year but in the meantime I would be very grateful for opinions on the following questions:

1. Given the circumstances above, does it sound at all possible that DP would awarded sole custody? This is my biggest fear and if it was the case I would stay put rather than ever let this happen

2)Does my suggestion sound reasonble?

3. If we did end up going to court, what access would be be likely to be awarded?

Thanking you in advance

When we went to court with regards to DDs residence I was awarded rsidence as I was her main carer.

Although she was with XH because he would not let me have her during the week when we first split I had her from Friday morning at 7am (yes had to drive through a county to collect her come rain or hail or snow so XH could get to work on time). XH wanted me to have her these three days - Friday, Saturday, Sunday so he could more than likely go out on the piss - he had her late SUnday night until very early Friday morning but was working Mon to Fri 9-5 and then going to football on a Monday night so he cared for her less than myself or the childminder meaning I was her main carer - the judge even dismissed his mother saying she would give up work to care for DD as I had since she was small been there for her more - this is waht judges look at - what is best for the child and not what seems fair to the adults - it is not about being fair to you it is about not disrupting the status quo of the child's life.

'Over and over again, a mans commitment to work, to financially supporting his family is seen as a way in which to lessen his parental role.'

Yes it does lessen his hands on parental role, the very fact that he goes to work full time does this and it doesn;t take away anythng in regards to him being a good parent. I suppose there was always the chance that he could have stayed at home with the child from birth and took up aprt time work when the child got older but this wasn;t done - if the positions had been reversed it would be the man getting the advice the woman is.

This isn't about sexism at all.

Madame- your situation sounds a highly fraught child residency battle, which I or MJ I don't think are talking about.

I think 50-50 is virtially impossible if the parents are involved in an acrimonious court battle.

I can tell her that-no he wouldn't get full residency.

I don't think this is a fraught legal case either, But it can be as amicable or hostile as they make it.

It sounds like two people going through the early emotionally upsetting stages of a separation.

Good luck OP.

"I think we need to be careful about putting too much emphasis on childcare arrangements when deciding residency. Otherwise a single working mum could see her ex get residency because she needs to use childcare to cover her working hours."

If the other parent is free in that time to do the childcare and historically always has done, then a shared care arrangement that would mean the child was cared for by a parent instead of a group setting would be better. It's just that it is usually women who scale their hours back and do most of the care prior to a split.

IMO in most cases formal shared residency, however the hours are arranged, would usually be better anyway (it doesn't mean the hours are 50/50 or anything like it). It would stop a lot of the control battles for a start.