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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is the biggest thing you've ever forgiven?

72 replies

lololizzy · 26/12/2010 22:46

I didn't know what category to use for this but chose Relationships because most likely to strike a chord on this subject though it could be forgiving anything/anyone.
What is the biggest wrong (done to you) that you have genuinely forgiven? And by that, i mean accepting an apology/offering forgiveness/or just making peace with yourself by deciding to forgive.

OP posts:

JodiesMummy · 26/12/2010 22:47

a third degree tear

Tortington · 26/12/2010 22:48

an act of violence

and you?

hideyhideynamechange · 26/12/2010 22:51

dh going missing for five days

Original poster

lololizzy · 26/12/2010 22:51

Me..it's something i often have to work on! I was wondering about the enormity of certain things some people can forgive.
I would say...someone i was deeply in love with, cheating on me. Although i found out quite a long time later (after splitting). And even then it hit hard. So it has taken me a long time to forgive that for a while in that rel i was living a lie.

OP posts:

amummyinwaiting · 26/12/2010 22:51

My brother abusing me when I was little and m mom and dad not treating it ith the seriousness it deserved. It has not been mentioned for 10years now. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and dad and an ok one with my brother (he lives in the other end of the country tough so that helps!) I know my mom regrets doing what my dad said.
I'm at peace with them all else I just wouldnt be able to live my life. I still get upset someimes but I can seperate it from the people iyswim.
Sorry for being miserable boxing day! :)

BibiBlocksberg · 26/12/2010 22:52

Being hit by an ex-boyfriend.

maltesers · 26/12/2010 22:52

My DD's awful teenage behaviour,.and wow there was plenty of it, but.... just . . .for example.. . .
being called by her at 3am to come and get her when she couldnt get back from a night out, and having to get 7 yr old DS up to go and get her.
Getting us evicted from our rental property cos when i was away she had a party !!!

gggrrrhhhh!

Original poster

lololizzy · 26/12/2010 22:55

me too amummy, forgiving abuse i mean.Not meant to be a miserable thread, maybe positive but some people are far better than i at it , everyone has different levels/cut offs as to what they would forgive. Just curious and wanting to see if i am an 'average' forgiver or need to work on it better.

OP posts:

supersalstrawberry · 26/12/2010 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amummyinwaiting · 26/12/2010 23:02

Think I crossposted with lots of people lololizzy as it came up with only one response and I was worried everybody else was going to put lighthearted things and then I had come stomping in with something "heavy". Now I've read the others I feel better (in an awful way) as it makes me realise shit happens o other people too.
Sometimes,like now, I feel I have truly forgiven them. Ohter times I feel its so raw, like it only happened yesteray and I hate them all!But then I think how fantastic my mom and dad are in other ways and it evens itself out (in my mind anyway)

TurkeyBASTer · 26/12/2010 23:34

I'm quite unforgiving.

It's dependant upon the dynamics of any given situation. I just can't do blind forgiveness in the same way I can't do blind trust.

If I can find justification for the 'err' against me, I'll forgive, just as if I can find valid reason to trust, I will.

I tend to base my decisions in sense and reason now but used to base them in emotion. When based in emotion the choices I made left me vulnerable. Now I feel less so.

Original poster

lololizzy · 27/12/2010 01:04

i can forgive (a lot, if really work on it and may take many years) but cannot forget. Could never forgive things some do such as war atrocities, murder of a loved one etc. Must be a stronger person than me for that...

OP posts:

Original poster

lololizzy · 27/12/2010 01:05

Forgiveness gives you freedom as releases the chains binding you to a person or situation..(sorry if that sounds all 'new agey') but it can be bloody hard work!

OP posts:

midtowner · 27/12/2010 01:08

The doctor (who was also a close family friend) who misdiagnosed my son when he was seriously ill. By the time we did get a diagnosis he was even more seriously ill and almost died. It took me several years to move on and forgive, but I did eventually.

MrsRhettButler · 27/12/2010 01:09

dp getting someone else pg

Original poster

lololizzy · 27/12/2010 01:13

midtowner and MrsRhett, you are def of stronger stuff than i for that level of forgiveness!

OP posts:

midtowner · 27/12/2010 01:16

It wasn't easy! we stopped seeing as much of them as we both moved away, so that helped. Last time we met up I just realised that life was too short to go on being so angry with him.

Original poster

lololizzy · 27/12/2010 01:18

hope your son is ok now?

OP posts:

midtowner · 27/12/2010 01:19

He is, thank you.

Sazisi · 27/12/2010 01:36

I have forgiven my ex and his (now)wife for having an affair when we had only just had DD1. I never thought I could forgive either of them, but it was such a relief to let go of the anger :)
I had to fake it 'til I made it at first, but now have genuine feelings of goodwill toward them both. His wife also gave me a heartfelt apology earlier this year; it was very cathartic for us both I think.

sarjose · 27/12/2010 13:29

My partner (now ex) getting someone ten years younger than me pregnant,and finding out by her turning up at my door to smugly tell me about it

CheerfulV · 27/12/2010 13:35

This is a really interesting thread, because I don't think I'm that forgiving. I've never been given that much opportunity to discover that, until recently. But I'm not much of one for second chances, let alone third ones.

I suppose 'forgiving' has to be defined. I've forgiven someone for having an emotional affair with me while having a GF they never told me about. That was almost 4 years ago though, and it's taken this long. And I mean, I never speak to the bloke (lives far away) and wouldn't date him after what happened. But I have forgiven him for the mistakes he made.

A lot of the things on this thread I would have trouble forgiving outright, but probably could in the end. But I couldn't have a relationship with said person because the trust would be gone, iyswim?

K12Mom · 27/12/2010 13:50

I wish I could forgive my DH's historical porn addiction. He stopped as soon as I found out about it, but it haunts me every single day.

I wish I could get over it and move on. It has destroyed my self-confidence, self-esteem and my trust in my DH.

AnyFuckerisFucked · 27/12/2010 13:57

so much infidelity

mine is for my mum...that she didn't leave my father when I was a small child

nogreatexpectations · 27/12/2010 14:04

I wish I could forgive Dh's past use of porn too. I can not find a way to totally trust him now.

AF I asked my mother Just before christmas why she hadn't left my father.

I forgive very begrudgingly and never forget.

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