Am I being unreasonable (5)

[prufrock]

Do you realise how many times Mumsnetters have asked this question - scary.
Well now it's my turn. Please don't be nice to me - I can take criticism.

Chelsea have just been drawn to play Sparta Prague, Lazio and some unpronouncable Turkish team in the champions league. DH is a HUGE Chelsea fan. He goes to every home game, and used to go to lots of European games. We had agreed when ttc dd1 (16m) that the traveling would stop, and last year this wasn't an issue due to an unfortunate encounter with a bunch of Swiss part-timers who managed to knock us out of the UEFA cup. But this year it is, and of course DH has completely forgotten the conversations we had about no European travel.

He wants to go to Prague and Lazio. Each trip would involve leaving home at 5am and returning late afternoon the next day. Now dd goes to nursery and I work full time, so I'd only actually have sole charge for 2 mornings and one evening. But I still don't want him to go.

In his defence, he's wonderful. He does as much childcare as I do, works incredibly hard and accepts that he is asking a lot. Chelsea is his one hobby. He's also offered to send me away to a health spa or something - but him having fun when I'm not isn't really my problem.

In my defence, I'm quite wonderful too . But seriously, he's already going away for a weekend with the boys in October, and we are ttc. if last time is anything to go by, whilst he's watching Lazio I'll be watching the inside of the loo (I once threw up 11 times in one day in my last pregnancy)

I have said he can go to one game - especially as it's likely (no comments sambom) that we will get through the group stages so there will be more matches to come which he will undoubtedly want to go to.

So am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

Hi Prufrock we all know how wonderful you are anywayLOL.
My advice to you is to let him go.I dont know much about football (dh is an evertonian)but if he really wanted to go I would not stop him.

At least your dh is being fair to you by offering to send you to a health farm etc for the weekend as a sort of consolation.IMO I think that gesture is very sweet and lovely of him to be so considerate of you.

Also IMO we all have our little hobbies etc and I think when we get with our partners we have to accept some of these things (which you already have).
Just make him a happy man and that way he will probably come back from his weekend away and make you a happy woman.(hopefully with a nice little prezzie from duty free
At the end of the day it is up to you.

Hi Prufrock - my DH would be exactly the same, in fact he is off to Australia for THREE weeks in November - meant to be for work but conicidentally its the same time as the Rugby !! Last week on his birthday (special romantic dinner at home arranged) he phoned at 4pm very sheepishly to say he'd been offered tickets to watch England play and did I mind?

As Doormat said, I think it would be reasonable not to kick up a fuss (especially as he's obviously offering you a 'return' treat) - in my experience when I have put my foot down its led to such an unpleasant atmosphere that its really not worth the 'fight' - much better to give in gracefully and plan your own treat.

Hope it works out, especially after reading you 'nice' comments on the DH thread (which I didn't contribute to!!)

Since he is offering a 'return' I don't think that it is too bad. Are you worried that it will escalate? Could you make sure that if you do say yes, it isn't the thin edge of the wedge?

Being on your own is a pain. I remeber that Dh went to Australia for 5 weeks when ds was 3 months old. It was work but there were lots of weekend jollies at the same time. He also manage to visit Singapour on the way out and Hawaii on the way back and it was hard to to feel very lesf out. And to add to the injury dd and ds developed chicken pox while he was away. Oh how I laughed!

Last year DH and I each had a 4 day weekend, away with friends. Mine shopping, his to play golf !! We also had a long weekend away in Rome, together without the kids. It really did do us the power of good.
It was the first time we have done that since they were born (now nearly 5), mainly because we couldn't afford it before.
We both plan to try and manage the same this year !!!

Let him go and start planning your spa weekend with some friends !!!

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want him to go but I still think you should let him go graciously.

He seems to reeeealy want to go and if I wanted to do something that badly I'd probably be put out if dp wouldn't let me. He has seemed to acknowledge already what a sacrifice it would be if he went and I'm sure you'll get a lot of milage out of this

Let us know what you decide

Damn Damn Damn - you girls are just too nice.

I've told dh he is up before the "court of Mumsnet" so he is anxiously awaiting your verdict. (If I see lots of new posters saying let him go I'll know it's you darling)
Does nobody think three trips away in 3 months is excessive? Am I really mean to not want him to go? I don't want to go away myself - I'm expecting to feel too ill to enjoy it.

Love it prufrock- the court of mumsnet haha

Seriouly I do think that 3 weekends away in 3 months is a bit OTT. I can understand he loves his football but does he really need to go away with the lads in Oct.Cant you both come to some sort of compromise with eachother over the Oct situation if you feel he is taking the mick a bit.ie ok go to see chelsea but you will have to cancel Oct because of financial reasons etc or other reason.
Just a thought.

Make him stay!

Well, actually, just wanted to make you feel better... I think he should go too. He might get all grumpy and resentful inside if you don't and everyone needs some "me" time, I guess. It's supposed to be really healthy for people to do their own thing once in a while in a relationship- what a comfort eh? More satisfying- you can make him pay when he gets back cos he'll be forever in your debt!

Prufrock, I really don't think you need to worry about the next stages

But seriously, I agree with everyone else. Let him go. He sounds like my dh in that he doesn't bugger off down the pub every 5 mins with his mates etc. But if his great love is footie then he should be allowed to indulge it occasionally.

My dh has just spent a fortune (that we don't have) on a debenture at Highbury so he could get a season ticket. When he asked me about if he could get it (the week after he had been telling me that we ought to spend less money lol!) I said yes immediately as it is the only thing really that he does with his best male friend (I go too most of the time)

I encourage him to go to Euro games, I think it's healthy to have a hobby. Also tbh I love a bit of time to myself occasionally!

HTH

sorry prufrock, can't help you. I think you should let him go! It obviously really matters to him, as you pointed out last year was a bit of a write off for him UEFA-cup wise, and he obviously is very nice and appreciates what he is asking for. I let my DH disappear off for various things (test cricket in S Africa, Sri Lanka, etc for a week or so at a time, Rolling Stones gigs in Europe, footy matches in Europe) and he really appreciates it and his friends also think he is lucky to have a wife who hands out pink tickets fairly generously which is nice!
Tell your dh though that you expect him to be bearing a good present when he comes back. Lazio in particular should provide some decent shopping opportunities - gucci handbag?!!!

Yes I'm trying to encourage dh to go to Milan for the same reason...

Dh's best mate's wife is always a real pain about him going to the footie, even home games! Everyone thinks she's a right moose for it, as PPH says it's nice to be thought of as a chilled out wifey!

So tell him to hang his coat on the lower peg and get his chit from Matron (unless he has an older brother at the school in which case it's the higher peg and a yellow chit)

Prufrock, I think I'd probably make him decide for himself. Atm, you are faced with the 'responsibility' for the decision, and the possibility that he'll sulk if you say no. I'd tell him what my reasons were for not wanting him to go, then leave him to decide if it's reasonable to go or not - he can face the possibility that you'll sulk instead! (Except I'm sure you won't.)

fwiw, three trips in three months seems a lot to me, and your compromise seems sensible.

hmmm, not sure. dh went to glastonbury when i was 4 wks pregnant and we had been in casualty that morning with abdominal pain and food poisoning - i had it that is. i asked him just to wait one day (i was scared i might be ill overnight and have to deal with ds at the same time) - but he wouldn't. even my mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his , was really shocked that he had gone. he is normally an angel, though, i suppose glasto is his chelsea!

as it turned out, i was ok, but i can tell you a weekend away or a designer bag wouldn't have made up for it if i'd had to go to hospital again and had to call in reinforcements to care for ds in the meantime.

so having had my whinge, do i have any advice?

the best thing might be to let him go with the proviso that you retain a "right of veto" up till the last minute, then if you are feeling ok, he can go, if you're ill, he can stay. you never know what will happen, you might feel better this time round or not be pregnant after all (of course good luck and fingers crossed for you ) do you think he might go for that idea?

it seems a shame to deny him the opportunity of booking a ticket on the off-chance, but i do think you need a degree of reassurance that you won't be left alone with a small child to care for when you're ill or as good as.

hth

agree with pimpernel!

Prufrock, I love the idea that DHs all over the country are asking if they can do things only to have their partners mutter darkly "well, we'll have to see what the court of mumsnet says first I'm afraid." Ha Ha! Yes, I know how often mumsnetters ask "Am I being unreasonable?" and I always love these moral dilemma threads. Sorry, but I think you should let him go too. He is asking, nicely, he will stay behind if you ask him to (this is very important IMO!) and he has offered you a weekend away or something too. I'd let him go but think about what you want in return too. So if one weekend = a Gucci bag, as SamboM says then I should think 3 is a very nice rock Or it's a lovely weekend at a health farm for you or something. Can you arrange to do something enjoyable for the weekends he's away, like visit friends out of town or something so you're not completely alone?

OK I like you pimpernel and you bk - the rest of you, pah!

I've realised that Pimpernel has summed it up - I am annoyed because I've been put in the position of being the big bad witch. I am usually a v. laid back wife - dh goes to all home games, and will usually go out for lunch beforehand. But by asking me he's made me (yet again) make a decision about our lives.

I have already gone for the right of last minute veto - he actually suggested it (I suppose you'll all say that proves how nice he is) but we all know that I'll be unable to use it without appearing to be an absolute cow.

But OK - he can go - but I'm going to tell him he needs to make up his own mind about whether it's reasonable or not. I would rather he feels slightly guilty for going on all three than me feeling guilty because I've only allowed him to go away twice.

You could ask the Champions League to rearrange Chelsea's matches so they don't fall so close to his other weekend away.

I am amazed at how much you lot gad about!

Prufrock, you could make it so that he'd have the veto -- something along the lines of "you will stay home if I'm sick, but you have to decide". Kind of evil unless he's a complete bastard, but it will be his decision.

And take a number of days as repayment, ie if he's away 6 days/5 nights, you get 6 days/5 nights, spent in whatever increments you choose. Even if that means him taking holiday.

I have to admit that I had a pregnancy spa break and it was great. Sounds like this is your chance for a good one. Be sure to spend at least as much money on your holidays as he does on his.

but he sounds lovely prufrock, sounds like he is the sort of guy who if you were feeling rotten would cancel anyway. so I wouldn't even pile on the guilt and go on about the veto, I'd assume the moral high ground, let him go, and win the prize as nicest wife in existence. better that than then send him off with a huge load of residual guilt around his neck...

Just remembered where my reputation as fantastic wife amongst his friends comes from. It was actually when I went away with our 3 month old daughter for 2 weeks - coinciding exactly with the 1998 World Cup. He was the most envied man in london - 2 whole weeks to watch footy in peace. I came back to find mountains of beer cans and pizza boxes and for years afterwards random people I'd never met before would say to me - "oh, I've been to your house - watched a lot of footy there during the world cup!"

she's an old witch really.

I agree - let them go and he will come back loving you more.

this is reminding me i didn't get my payback for glasto, actually!

what shall i go for?

Please don't let my dp see this he might be getting ideas!

how about getting some childcare cover for one weekend and going with him? Not to watch the game but to do some shopping and sightseeing?
Okay, this might have to be a last minute arrangement os that you can see how you're feeling if you are pg but it might be an option And think what a great night you'll have in a foreign city if your man is high as a kite because his beloved Chelsea just won a game of football?
I know from experience, sex after Spurs have won can be quite different to sex after Spurs have lost. And okay, before anyone who knows about football likes to comment, I know that it would seem my sex life last season was pretty poor huh??
But DH assures me that Spurs are going to win everything this year so i'm in for some treats.
(I think i've been reading too much of the "Rabbit" postings, I cant stop thinking about sex all of a sudden)