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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable (5)

85 replies

prufrock · 29/08/2003 08:28

Do you realise how many times Mumsnetters have asked this question - scary.
Well now it's my turn. Please don't be nice to me - I can take criticism.

Chelsea have just been drawn to play Sparta Prague, Lazio and some unpronouncable Turkish team in the champions league. DH is a HUGE Chelsea fan. He goes to every home game, and used to go to lots of European games. We had agreed when ttc dd1 (16m) that the traveling would stop, and last year this wasn't an issue due to an unfortunate encounter with a bunch of Swiss part-timers who managed to knock us out of the UEFA cup. But this year it is, and of course DH has completely forgotten the conversations we had about no European travel.

He wants to go to Prague and Lazio. Each trip would involve leaving home at 5am and returning late afternoon the next day. Now dd goes to nursery and I work full time, so I'd only actually have sole charge for 2 mornings and one evening. But I still don't want him to go.

In his defence, he's wonderful. He does as much childcare as I do, works incredibly hard and accepts that he is asking a lot. Chelsea is his one hobby. He's also offered to send me away to a health spa or something - but him having fun when I'm not isn't really my problem.

In my defence, I'm quite wonderful too . But seriously, he's already going away for a weekend with the boys in October, and we are ttc. if last time is anything to go by, whilst he's watching Lazio I'll be watching the inside of the loo (I once threw up 11 times in one day in my last pregnancy)

I have said he can go to one game - especially as it's likely (no comments sambom) that we will get through the group stages so there will be more matches to come which he will undoubtedly want to go to.

So am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

OP posts:
doormat · 21/10/2003 13:22

dadslib I gather you are referring to my post that I just dont get it

Original poster
prufrock · 21/10/2003 13:24

No Dadslib - it's obviosly about a man being a boy. Being a man would involve taking on responsibility for your dependents. Will men never get the fact that women usually feel worse in the 1st trimester.
Would anybody think it reasonable of me to bugger off to a health farm for a weekend without dd if dh had a bout of food poisoning? So WTF is it OK for him to go when I'm this ill. I din't get pregnant by myself. We both knew it was likely that I would get the sickness again. Why is it seen as my problem to cope with? I am so pissed off that I am expected to be so bloody grateful to him all the time because he's helping me!

OP posts:
fio2 · 21/10/2003 13:27

prufock Im with you on this one I had terrible morning sickness with my first preg and couldnt do much and I didnt have any other kids to look after. Why does it have to be for the whole weekend? Cant he just go for the night out or is it too far away?

doormat · 21/10/2003 13:33

prufrock totally agree with you, the first few months were horrible for me too. I could keep nothing down as I was feeling sick all the time.
It wasnt just the sicknesss but the overwhelming tiredness that I felt all the time too.

ThomCat · 21/10/2003 13:44

I don't think you should be grateful to him at all just because he's being helpful, not a bit, but I just wondered if you might not just be better letting him go / getting him out of the house and enjoying the company of a friend and getting some TLC from a best mate or family memeber??

If it means that much to you that he stay at home and be with you all the time then you should tell him just that and say that seeing as how he asked no it's not OK and you need him with you right now. You and that baby inside you are the most important thing right now so the stag will have to missed and all his mates will have to deal with it.

However if you're going to be pissed off with him anyway and he's going to be moody and miserable about it maybe it's better you're not round one another and instead you get a mate or soemone over??

Whatever happens I hope you start to feel much better soon.

TC xx

marialuisa · 21/10/2003 13:44

I was hospitalized with sickness several times in my pregnancy and DH was truly s**tty about it. I think you are absolutely right to expect him to stay at home. He'll just have to say sorry, not this time to the friend. I think you need to emphasize to him how upset you'll be if he can't put you first at the moment, I've still not "forgiven" my DH for the way he behaved nearly 3 years on.

Blu · 21/10/2003 13:46

DL, you're giving men a v bad name with these wild generalisations of what it 'is' to be a man, and how it is supposedly perpetrated through playground peer-pressure tactics.
TOM: please deal with him!(and well said Prufrock)

florenceuk · 21/10/2003 14:26

Well, DH has just recovered from a persistent diarrhoea bug - spent most of it flat on his back, leaving me to cope fulltime with DS - don't think he'd have been very happy if I'd left DS with him for the weekend. Do you think your DP really really realises what it's like having persistent morning sickness? Personally I'd say to him just to wait until you felt a lot better.

sykes · 21/10/2003 15:15

DL, what a load of absolute nonsense. Your w must be a saint to put up with such chauvinistic, immature crap. Laughing stock with the lads - you must mix with a rather pathetic bunch. And why would you care what they think? I'm hoping your tongue is firmly in your cheek but, sadly, doubt it.

Original poster
prufrock · 21/10/2003 15:32

ThomCat thanks for trying to be constructive. I wasn't ranting at you - in fact you are my reasonable, non-hormonal voice.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/10/2003 15:33

I'll second that - DL your mates must be a bunch of idiots if they act like that towards you. If they can't see that a sick wife is more important than a stupid stag weekend then they are saddos.

On the other hand, if it was me I'd let him go and bog off down to my mum's for the weekend. Or get my mum to bog off up to me (?)

ThomCat · 21/10/2003 15:48

Oh bless your hormonal cotton socks - you lovely, ill, poor pregnant thing. If you were near me I would def. be over in a flash to pamper you!

So glad I didn't upset you.

Lots of love - TC xx

tigermoth · 21/10/2003 15:48

yes, Thomcats' advice is good. But then I haven't got pregnancy hormones either

Prufrock, if you predict that you and your dh will have a very strained weekend if he stays, then for your sanity, perhaps he should go away? Awful being sick, but even more awful if you and your dh are simmering together for 2 days and nights.

If, on the other hand, you know he will accept it like a gentleman, then say no. Really at this time you are incapacitated and your needs must come first.

So just decide what the weekend will be like for you if your dh stays, and go from there. That's what I'd do anyway.

ThomCat · 21/10/2003 15:59

It's just so easy for us isn't it Tigermoth - all hormone free and full of the joys of Autumn!
If I was the hormanal horror I was when I was pregnant I would have thrown myself at the front door and not stopped crying by now!!!
Telling him to leave and never come back, that being a single mum is just fine, that I hope he has an awful time and regrets what he's done to me for the rest of his miserable life!!!!

dadslib · 21/10/2003 16:00

Message withdrawn

tinyfeet · 21/10/2003 16:09

Prufrock, I've only just read your 1st message and not the rest of this thread, but based on the way you describe your DH (he sounds lovely really), I would let him go. You should be sure, however, to do something for yourself too - like the spa suggestion or something else you would like.

ThomCat · 21/10/2003 16:11

Well done dadslib!
I know a couple of blokes who would give my DP terrible stick for being at home with me rather than out with them, and they are the first blokes to jump when their wives tell them to!!

Helsbels · 21/10/2003 16:19

My DHs friends are all like that - 'see who wears the trousers - sort of crap. However, one of their wives left them 5 years ago because he was such a selfish so and so (and he now admits it with tears in his eyes when he can't see his children as often as he would like) and the other doesn't realise how good friends me and his DW are and I know she gives him a much harder time over stuff than I ever would to my DH. Hobbies are often a bone of contention and men (as a general rule - not always - some are wonderful) don't seem to prioritise in the same way women do. I don't think that asking anyone to stay home and look after you rather than going on the ale is unreasonable and I would certainly kick up a right royal stink if my DH tried it with me.It's all very well having your own space as long as it is not upsetting or detrimental to the other partner. He has had a lot of time away recently and I think he is being unreasonable expecting more. Sorry to all who think otherwise but this is a really raw nerve with me and it gets right up my nose!!!!!!

iota · 21/10/2003 16:21

I only would let him go if you can line up someone else to stay with you and support you. My dh often has to go awway on business, so my mother comes to stay and help out - especially useful when I had a Caesaean, a newborn and an active toddler to contend with.

If you can't get anyone else to help you, then he should stay home.

codswallop · 21/10/2003 16:24

how far gone will you be? Mine went to SA when I was 38 weekd and to tell the truth you just do cope.

You will laugh when you have two at how you ever found having one hard - but thats the miracle of hindsight.

iota · 21/10/2003 16:26

coswallop - Prufrock is suffering severe morning sickness and is feeling pretty debilitated - that's why she nees someone to help her with her dd

codswallop · 21/10/2003 16:27

aah. poor her. sorry

ThomCat · 21/10/2003 16:35

You've been just great today Cosdwallop !! - First you tell her to question if it's a stag he's going on or not and that you'd be suspicious!!!
You alright or are you having a bad week yourself??

codswallop · 21/10/2003 21:31

No fine thanks. well the usual.

ThomCat · 22/10/2003 16:24

Prufrock - how are you doing today. Not so much with regard to stag weekends etc but just in general.
Thomcat x