Am I being unreasonable (5)

[prufrock]

Do you realise how many times Mumsnetters have asked this question - scary.
Well now it's my turn. Please don't be nice to me - I can take criticism.

Chelsea have just been drawn to play Sparta Prague, Lazio and some unpronouncable Turkish team in the champions league. DH is a HUGE Chelsea fan. He goes to every home game, and used to go to lots of European games. We had agreed when ttc dd1 (16m) that the traveling would stop, and last year this wasn't an issue due to an unfortunate encounter with a bunch of Swiss part-timers who managed to knock us out of the UEFA cup. But this year it is, and of course DH has completely forgotten the conversations we had about no European travel.

He wants to go to Prague and Lazio. Each trip would involve leaving home at 5am and returning late afternoon the next day. Now dd goes to nursery and I work full time, so I'd only actually have sole charge for 2 mornings and one evening. But I still don't want him to go.

In his defence, he's wonderful. He does as much childcare as I do, works incredibly hard and accepts that he is asking a lot. Chelsea is his one hobby. He's also offered to send me away to a health spa or something - but him having fun when I'm not isn't really my problem.

In my defence, I'm quite wonderful too . But seriously, he's already going away for a weekend with the boys in October, and we are ttc. if last time is anything to go by, whilst he's watching Lazio I'll be watching the inside of the loo (I once threw up 11 times in one day in my last pregnancy)

I have said he can go to one game - especially as it's likely (no comments sambom) that we will get through the group stages so there will be more matches to come which he will undoubtedly want to go to.

So am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

Gosh Mckenzie, it's never occurred to me that sex after a good football win might be any different compared to after his team have lost(I don't even know who they are so there you go, that's my level of involvement). Mmm, interesting, although I suppose if I wanted to investigate further I'd have to take an interest in who won and I'm not sure I can be arsed...

Bk, go for a health farm weekend I reckon. Or just a luxury weekend. Babington maybe?

prufrock, I take the majority view here at the court of mumsnet - let him go if it means so much to him and he's asked so nicely. Two mornings and one evening isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things IMO. Better a grateful and happy dh than a dh full of hidden resentment. Even if he's the best man alive, you never know when that resentment will resurface. Look on the weekend as a big deposit in the favour bank.

But, if a reciprocal weekend at a health farm doesn't appeal to you, what about asking your dh to pay for a babysitter for the evening he is away? Is that a possibility? Then you won't feel you've been left in sole charge and can make plans to go out as well.

bk - re payback: have you any old childless friends who don't live near you? why not visit them for a weekend of catching up while your dh looks after your ds?

dp went away for a six-day stag 'night' when I was about five months pregnant. (To be fair to him, it wasn't entirely his fault - one of the boys booked it without checking that it was OK first.) Unfortunately, our shower was a bit temperamental, and I couldn't always turn it off myself. Needless to say, the inevitable happened, and the first morning he was away, it got stuck. I did what every self-respecting hormonal pregnant woman does and burst into floods of tears at the thought of having to have the shower running all week. When I calmed down, I stripped the shower down, but rather carelessly forgot to note in which order all the bits were coming off (I'm usually quite good at remembering to do so). Eventually, I managed to wrench the tap off....but irreparably damaged it in the process. Dp came back to about 130 quids worth of damage. He declined the last invitation to a stag do. Is wanton vandalism an option?

Ok - he's going. I told him he had to decide whether he thought it was reasonable or not as I wasn't his mother, and he had as much right to "me" time as I did and could decide himself how to use it.
We did discuss me going as well, but it's difficult for me to get the time off work, and I'm not sure I'd want to leave dd with a babysitter overnight, and no non working family (well there's MIL, but NO WAY)
He actually suggested the babysitter option as well. Not so I can go out, but to bring dd home from nursery and help with bath and bedtime. I know this makes me sound liek a wimp, but I was so ill last time and am so petrified of feeling the same way again and having a toddler to look after on my own.

www - sex after a good football win is great - dd was conceived the night England beat Germany 5-1.

bk - do you want time or money? I figure time is most precious definately a weekend away. If you don't fancy a spa (I always look forward to them but then get disappointed) how about a wine tasting or cookery course?

Free creche? do they take 4 year olds? if so I must convince my dh to support chelsea.

Let him go - to be honest I feel that the fuss they make when you say no is far worse than not having them around for a few weekends. Just make sure you get some time away alone or at least a day at home alone just to do nothing.

I love DP dearly and his football is part of him (may have to hide golf clubs though) and have realised that if he was not into Arsenal so much he would be hanging around the house and getting in our (DD and me) way when we ant to do our own stuff. He is a great step parent and really makes lots of effort to spend lots of time with us but I know he needs time away (as I do but don't get it!!)

As with Sambon - Arsenal is God in our house and DP goes to all home games and most away games (takes me if I am really lucky!!!), he is not going to any of the european games except Milan - I really don't mind, always returns with nice pressies and a huge longing to see me and make up for the time he has been away.

In short - let him go but get some time to yourself - see if someone could have DS whilst he is away and just relax on your own, read, watch Discovery Health and eat what and when you want or just do nothing - Bliss.

You've probably already reached a decision Prufrock but if I were you I'd cash in that spa offer and let him go. London Mumsnetters have been known to spend whole Saturdays roosting togther in an easygoing restaurant purely to retrieve football/fishing/whatever hours owed...
Tigermoth, how COULD you. Please check the Valley's creche provision before you even contemplate such treachery. We have got the luscious Paolo now you know (more likely to interest you than dh I would think).

How did I know this would not die.

So I'm pregnant, and feeling just as bad as last time. (I threw up 9 times yesterday) I survived (just) the weekend away in October. His Mother came to stay and was actually quite helpful (although she and dd had a 2 hour chase around the flat on Sunday morning because dd didn't want to get dressed and MIL was insistent she did)

I'm not that bothered about the night away (he decided to go to the lazio game only) babysitter brings dd home from nursery and helps with food and bath (6-8 pm is my worst time) then dd and I go to bed together. We've coped OK like that on a number of occasions when dh has had to work late

But he's just called me to say he's been invited on a stag weekend on 21st November and is it OK for him to go. I said he didn't need o ask me for permission (but in the kind of voice that meant "Fine - if you want a divorce)

He is being wonderful at the moment, he does loads with dd, all the cooking etc, and I know it would be nice for him to have a break. But it would be nice for me to have a break too, and I'm not likely to stop being this ill for another 6 weeks at least. Why can't he understand that as difficult as his life is mine is worse right now.

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First off I have to say I wouldn't be happy about it I admit and I'm with you on the way you are feeling .....BUT he's a grown man and is entitled to do his own thing - this is his life too. Would he stop you going anywhere, ever? Doesn't sound like it if he's said he'll send you to a health spa - he didn't have to do that. He's saying it's a lot to ask - but is it, really? You've said he's a great dad, hard working, does lots of child caring, and this is his ONE hobby. He also accepts it's a lot to ask but still really wants to go. Is it really the end of the world if he does?

Please don't think I'm being hard and not thinking about you - I know how you feel - DP went to Ibiza on a boys holiday for 3 or 4 days and I was furious, inside - but I still didn't think I had any rights to stop him. I just said that as long as it didn't effect a family holiday he could go.

I know it feels shit when they p* off and leave you holding the baby. You feel jealous and angry. But if they wouldn't stop you from going away overnight and would do the same for you then....

I think you should let him go, he's a good man who loves you loads by the sounds of it - let him have a bit of footie fun and return to you a very happy man who owes you one!!!!

OMG - sorry - I've just read all the other posts and realised you 1st posted in August and since then don't want to discuss it anymore by sounds of it - eeeccckkk - sorry - can we just forget that I ever posted!!!!

PS Sorry you'r feeling rubbish. Maybe it would be nice if he went off for a weekend and you could have a friend or family member to stay and sit up eating chocolates watching slusshy movies???

Oh I'll just shut up and wish you well!

Hi Prufrock,
Like Batters I am pretty easy going on these sort of issues but with this stag night unless the groom-to-be is a very close friend I would ask him to stay home.
It amazes me that some men just leave us to incubate our offspring knowing full well we cannot do the same and go out and have a great time when it suits them.

Agree with Batters. I think my Dp would probably say something like "I was invited on a stag weekend but I said no because you'd be peed off" and wait for me to contradict him if I wanted to. Which I wouldn't. No way I'd say. A stag do (and a whole weekend at that) is pushing it IMO. But I'd rather he came to that conclusion himself - as you said before, why should you have to make the decision for him?

It's really hard Prufrock when they are so "nice" about it! My DP isn't a football fan but likes to go away for regular car-related weekends with his best mate. A few months ago he told me he wanted to book in a weekend with his mate every 6 weeks and I was gutted. To put it in the picture he also does loads of DIY round the house (which does need doing but he refuses to pay someone for something he could do himself which sometimes means he is working on stuff all weekend and not spending it with us).

Digression, sorry. I would say that if you are really dreading him going away for the stag weekend then say that to him - in a calm collected manner. Tell him that it's just the timing (probably if it was during your 2nd trimester you'd cope pretty well). Or if you don't want to prevent him going - which I can quite understand, could you ask him to take DD away one weekend so you can have a weekend in your own home, to yourself. DP and I have quite a lot of weekends away individually and I also have weekends away with DS at my parents or whatever so DP can have time alone at home. I would LOVE a weekend at home by myself to have long baths, go for a walk, meet friends for lunch without having to mind a toddler at the same time, watch a nice girly DVD in the evening. Might be really nice therapy for you - call it "Prufrock Time".

sure its a stag weekend?

sorry but I am naturally suspicious. twice in so many months is a little often....

Thomcat - don't worry - I did come to the same conclusion as everyone else about the football (and if I wasn't pregnant and ill I wouldn't have had any problem with it at all)

Staying up late - well I'm in bed at 8.30 every night at the moment, and eating chocolates! UUGGGHHH

Codswallop!!!!!!!!!!! Prufrock take no notice!!!

Maybe skip the chocolates, have a friend over during the day to have fun with and who will help out and run you a bath and sit chatting to you until you fall asleep. If you lived near Pinner I'd run a bath for you and watch slushy movies with you!!

Is it really going to make you feel loads better if he stays at home being miserable with you???

Really hope you feel better, about everything, soon.

Lots of love - TC x

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Oh prufrock didnt realize it was a stag weekend

TBH It would depend as I said earlier post IMO whether it was a very close personal friend or just an aquaintance of his on whether it would be ok for him to go or not.

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