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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

things are so bad now...

13 replies

IWantWine · 23/12/2010 04:29

I just want to die...

I understand I can get into a refuge but I have to give up my job. I dont want to do that mainly because I love my job but also I have so many debts. Can anyone tell me please what happens after getting into a refuge? What about money? how will I cope financially and where do I go from there?

I cant carry on like this much longer.

OP posts:

TheChrimbolyMallows · 23/12/2010 05:17

Sorry I can't answer any of your questions, but hopefully someone will wake up soon that can help you. In the meantime I'm sending you a big hug. Take care xxxxxx

scallopsrgreat · 23/12/2010 05:33

Ring Womens Aid. They will be able to advise and help.

So sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself x

K12Mom · 23/12/2010 05:34

Why do you have to give up your job to move into a refuge?

scallopsrgreat · 23/12/2010 05:36

Keep posting on here too. There are many people who have been where you are now.

But WA can provide fantastic real life support.

Lizzabadger · 23/12/2010 05:36

I worked in a refuge 20 years ago so my knowledge may be out of date but then, refuge staff would help you claim all the benefits you were entitled to. You didn't need money to go there. You would be given food and essentials until your benefits came through.

If you are in danger you should get to a hostel and not worry about your money or job for the moment.

Don't give up your job for now. See if something can be sorted out once you are living somewhere safe.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? That would be a good place to start.

Can you tell us more about what is going on and how you are?

Lizzabadger · 23/12/2010 05:39

The refuge I worked in could help with debt counselling. The Citizens' Advice Bureau can also help. Hope you are O.K.

dietstartstmoz · 23/12/2010 06:34

Do you have any family or friends who could help you? Anyone you could talk to or go and stay with? I don't know your circumstances but when my sis broke up with her ex she had an awful time and would not have got through without people rallying round and getting her through. She did get her ex to go and is in the process of getting divorced and sorting out finances and is very happy now. Who can support you through this? Hope you're OK.

Original poster

IWantWine · 23/12/2010 07:11

thank you for replying. I am not in danger physically. I have spoken to womens aid and the lady was very supportive. I could go into a refuge but she said that because it was a charity I cant work, or rather, I couldnt get in if I had a job, or something like that. The trouble is that I need to be able to get my daughter to and from work and I am already in debt.

He is emotionally and verbally abusive and has frozen our joint bank account and wont let me have access to any money. I am not earning enough and am sliding deeper and deeper into debt. I dont have the courage to proceed with a divorce while I live here. I am so tired of being shouted at and criticised. I know it doesnt sound that bad but it is. It is. :(

I dont have anyone I can stay with. I have family but they are at the other end of the country and I dont want to leave my daughter.

It is all such a mess.

OP posts:

chivers1977 · 23/12/2010 07:22

can't help with the refuge but firstly go and.open a basic bank account with a bank that you have no debts with. you can move your salary to there if you want. speak to cccs, Christians against poverty or cab re the debts but your first priority is your well-being not paying back the banks. and this is coming from someone who works for a bank.

deludedfool · 23/12/2010 07:45

Go and have a free 30 minute appointment asap with a solicitor (I know it is christmas so you may have a wait). Go to the CAB if you can get to one near you asap. Know your rights,IWantWine. You might be able to force him to leave. I know all this costs alot of money but if you are on not a very high income you may be able to get legal aid (or whatever it is they call it now - I am not a lawyer, but I know all about abuse).

deludedfool · 23/12/2010 07:49

Of course, it's bad - people like that try to destroy you. They don't care that, at the end of the day, you are a mother, and if you're not ok, it impacts on the dc. I am sorry you are having such a rough time.

ShanahansRevenge · 23/12/2010 08:00

I wantwine...I just wanted to let you know that you will get through this..you're already making the steps to get out.

I also think it's awful that you can'tgo into refuge with a job...I thnk that if you phone the citizens advice beaureu they will have a specialist who can help you over the money issues.

I hope it gets better soon.

HappyDaysAreHereAgain · 23/12/2010 08:46

Iwantwoine you can go into a refuge even though you work. You will be asked to pay rent but if your income is low the refuge will help you to claim housing benefit. I moved into a refuge in February of this year, I didn't work at the time and I paid £14.29 per week in rent and it was worth every penny!

Here is a link to the Womens Aid website www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200210002&itemid=1301#12 There is a section on here about what to do if you work. I hope this helps.

Flip