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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Telling him it's over

26 replies

refmum · 22/12/2010 12:40

I am unhappy in my marriage,i don't think i want to stay with my husband but am scared to tell him,i don't think he has a clue how serious things are : (

I know that if i do say how i feel i will be hated by his family and he will probably try to take the kids from me.

Should i just keep quiet and pretend all's great,accept this is going to be my life or should i be honest with him and risk losing everything?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 12:43

If you can explain what is wrong with your marriage, then that would help people to help you work out the best way to deal with ending it!

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 12:49

I'm the one who's husband kicked the bedroom door in,we talked about it a couple of days later,he said i was childish for locking myself in the bedroom,said he wanted to say sorry that was all,he thinks i totally over react and that all couples have things like this happen,they just keep it to themselves.

I have namechanged because i;m scared of him reading this website and realising it is me posting.

He has gone away for a few days and the house feels like a home again.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 12:52

I don't know your back story, can you add a link?

It sounds like the relationship is not healthy, are you planning on disappearing when he is away for a few days?

What ages are your kids?

deburca · 22/12/2010 12:54

no refmum, that doesnt happen in every relationship, did your mum and dad kick doors in when you lived with them? No? bet not or any other person you know who isnt in an abusive relationship.

you deserve to be happy, even if he wasnt agressive you still dont have to stay anywhere or with anyone that makes you unhappy. Your happiness is of the utmost importance, not sure if you have kids but if so do you really want them to witness that.

Its not working by all accounts so let him head off.

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 12:55

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1105328-He-broke-the-door

Not sure how to do links,will try.

OP posts:

gettingeasier · 22/12/2010 12:55

Well Mummie had a point and then you said he "kicked the bedroom door in" . Unless you had just told him you had shagged his best friend or something similar then I would say leave him without knowing any more about your marriage.

Hes gone away at Christmas ?

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 13:05

He's back tomorrow.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 13:08

The link does not work. What help do you want? Do you want to go today?

TrappedinSuburbia · 22/12/2010 13:11

If you copy the link into your address bar it works.

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 13:19

sorry,can't do the link my thread is he broke the door posted on 15th Dec.

OP posts:

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 13:20

no,i don't want to go today,i either need to work things out or tell him our marriage is over,i am not in a dangerous position here,just need advice/opinions.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 13:21

can you bump your other thread?

kyotokate · 22/12/2010 13:29

This is the other thread He-broke-the-door.

You have name changed because he might read this thread but, you say "i am not in a dangerous position here,just need advice/opinions." Confusing???

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 13:32

sorry if i am confusing you but i imagine if he reads these threads he will react badly,however i doubt my life would be at risk,unpleasant i'm sure however.

OP posts:

kyotokate · 22/12/2010 13:40

This is really not sounding good at all. What about your children they must have at least seen the kicked in door? he could be unpleasant or react badly if he knows you are telling others about his behaviour. This is NOT normal behaviour from a grown up mature male.

Please ponder on what his behaviour is teaching your children about adult relationships.

Look after yourself as well.

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 13:48

I told him that everytime i see the damaged door and the marks on the walls downstairs where he threw his workboots in a temper following a row i am reminded and i lose respect for him each time something like this happens (can't believe i actually said that!) he then went out,bought paint,wood etc...and fixed everything,maybe he won't do it again?

I don't know,what a mess and it's like it never happened now and we should move on,i'm finding it difficult to do this time though.

OP posts:

malinkey · 22/12/2010 13:57

Why don't you phone Women's Aid and explain what happened? They can help you with getting out of this situation safely.

kyotokate · 22/12/2010 13:58

My ex husband went in for throwing his dinner at the wall etc but when his work boots went through the the kitchen window I left the next day with my 4 year old and that was in 1983!!

I am sorry to say he will do it again and again and yet again. Try this link here.

The only person who can stop his abusive behaviour (and it is abusive behaviour) is him. You have done nothing wrong it is all HIM.

kyotokate · 22/12/2010 14:00

Phoning Women's Aid is a very good idea. Please do it to protect yourself and your children.

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 14:06

Thanks for your advice kyotokate,glad you got out and got on with your life without him.

I know i'm sounding weak but i think i am going to see how things go but i feel like i'm just waiting for another outburst and then i'll have to do something,he's made me feel like i'm making too much of what happened.

OP posts:

malinkey · 22/12/2010 14:17

But you said you don't think you want to stay with your husband in your OP?

It wouldn't do any harm to speak to someone at Women's Aid. They won't make you do anything. Might just be good to get another perspective other than his - obviously he doesn't think it's his fault as that would mean he'd have to admit what a twat he is.

Why wait for another outburst when you've already had more than one to deal with already?

kyotokate · 22/12/2010 14:17

Please do not call yourself weak... you are not weak. He is WEAK not you.

"he's made me feel like i'm making too much of what happened". He has done a right number on you!!! Bugger what he thinks. What happens when he has another outburst do you wait for another and another or do you do something. Think of yourself and your children. Please do NOT live like this.

In my case my ex died in a house fire (an open verdict in the coroners court). He never ever became a fully functioning mature adult male. My daughter told me a few years ago that she was glad he was dead as he was bloody hard work!!!

Original poster

refmum · 22/12/2010 14:25

I don't think i want to stay with him.

Sorry,i must be coming across as very mixed up! If i had the courage and somewhere to go i would tell him and then leave but i don't have the courage and i don't have anywhere to go,i am trapped,i will give Womens Aid a call.

I feel like something much worse has to happen before i can justify leaving iyswim?

OP posts:

needafootmassage · 22/12/2010 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumi · 22/12/2010 14:38

He kicked the bedroom door in... and thinks YOU are the childish, overreacting one?

No, not all couples have things like something like this to keep to themselves - actually most don't.

The thing you consider justification for leaving is likely to be the thing which will stop you from doing so.

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