husband and porn

[mummyworries]

he keeps looking at porn on the internet, behind my back of course! am i too sensitive when it comes to this as he said that all men do!!!! i hate it makes me feel like shit

Oh yeah, if it's instead of sex with you when you're willing, that's not good at all.

How do you know all men don't like porn you wouldn't know about your own hubby's lest the checking up on them, my oh has a few mates who never look at porn so thinks thier wife's.
I really think this is down to YOur low self asteam also I am very worried your checking your oh emails and computer history shows you have very little trust in you relationship

How do you know all men don't like porn you wouldn't know about your own hubby's lest the checking up on them, my oh has a few mates who never look at porn so thinks thier wife's.
I really think this is down to YOur low self asteam also I am very worried your checking your oh emails and computer history shows you have very little trust in you relationship

That's it it's only a issue if he would rather watch girls gone wild than have it with u but if you to tired and don't want it then give the poor man a break

I understand why you feel the way you do, OP. I think it sends out a worrying message about how a man views women and intimate relationships. Also, it's not a nice feeling wondering who they're thinking of when they climb into bed next to you.

Not all men I know look at porn. And it's important to me now that the men I am involved with, on a friendship and a relationship basis, do not use porn. I don't want to be friends with men who are happy objectifying women.

That doesn't leave many men to be friends with but there are some!

This was one of those threads where I just wanted to run in, make a flippant comment and leave, to be honest. Maybe I will come back another time and have The Serious Debate.

NGE: The research you are citing is a crock of shit.

LeQueen-there's a difference between the odd bit of imagining and him thinking of some barely legal shaved girl having sex with two men in different orifices because he's been looking at porn after you've gone to bed.

It's a dealbreaker for me now. Been there, done it, and it was part of more sustained, emotionally abusive, I don't get a shot about you behaviour. I asked my ex not to look
until I'd sorted out my feelings about it and we'd talked. And he said he wouldn't look
then ignored everything I'd asked. We'd watched some together before but I wasn't happy about him spending hours watching it on his own. It was the one of the last straws for me in a long list of abusive behaviour (and before I get jumped on for saying that looking at porn is abusive-the more I know about the industry, the more I think it is but that's not my point-I mean me asking him to not look until I had had a chance to explore my feelings on the subject.

I know that had I been looking at hot guys to get myself off he would not have been happy yet he used the excuse of 'it doesn't mean anything' (which he'd castigated others for using) and 'it's just what men do'. He'd spouted ad nauseum for years about porn and sex and intimacy and yet he gets his own laptop and he's sucked in.

Apparently lots of men think that visiting strip clubs and sleeping with prostitutes doesn't mean anything either (conveniently).

My ex said 'no-one was getting hurt' by him doing it. Well they were-me. But I didn't matter.

He had to go and now he is left with his 2-D girlfriend on Planet Suzy. I hope they are very happy together.

WELL THANKU EVERYONE FOR THOSE COMMENTS TOOK ME A WHILE TO GO THROUGH THEM ALL BUT THANKU

Spot the typo above!

Replicated studies have demonstrated that exposure to significant amounts of increasingly graphic forms of pornography has a dramatic effect on how adult consumers view women, sexual abuse, sexual relationships, and sex in general. These studies are virtually unanimous in their conclusions: When male subjects were exposed to as little as six weeks' worth of standard hard-core pornography, they:

developed an increased sexual callousness toward women

began to trivialize rape as a criminal offense or no longer considered it a crime at all

developed distorted perceptions about sexuality

developed an appetite for more deviant, bizarre, or violent types of pornography (normal sex no longer seemed to do the job)

devalued the importance of monogamy and lacked confidence in marriage as either a viable or lasting institution

viewed nonmonogamous relationships as normal and natural behavior

British psychiatrists Martin Roth and Edward Nelson state that "Far from having a cathartic effect, exposure to pornography produces an enhanced interest in sexual deviancy."[7]

Donnerstein, Zillman, and Malamuth report that "Massive exposure to nonviolent, noncoercive standard-fare pornography created an appetite for more unusual, bizarre and deviant materials, including violence in a sexual context such as depictions of sadomasochism and rape."

Leading sexual violence researchers Neil Malamuth, Ed Donnerstein, and Dolf Zillman state that, in general,

Pornography desensitizes. Exposure to these materials, whether violent or nonviolent, coercive or noncoercive, experimentally increases male aggressive behavior against women, and decreases both male and female sensitivity to rape and the plight of the rape victim. Both males and females, after viewing this material, judge the female rape victim to be less injured, less worthy, and more responsible for her own plight.[6]

SGB do you need more research, well I can't be bothered, look for yourself, maybe you are so totally disensitised yourself, maybe that is why you are on here advocating the sort of relationships and attitudes that pornography encourages.

Oh FFS, Donnerstein, Malamuth and Zillman have all been discredited and Donnerstein has, to an extent, disowned his own work.

And 'devaluing' monogamy and marriage are not necessarily negative things. Many feminists object to marriage, for instance.

Also, do you know much about how these studies were done and what they consisted of?
Most of them involved showing the subjects some porn and then asking them either to fill out a heavily loaded questionnaire or to choose whether or not to give another person an electric shock (the shocks were not real).

And 'devaluing' monogamy and marriage are not necessarily negative things. Many feminists object to marriage, for instance.

I would consider myself feminist, no shame but some things are more important to me than who puts out the garbage or pays the bills, ie raising my children in a stable family and putting their needs before my own.

What should we all make of your words of wisdom? off to screw up my kids life, I thought I might start with polyamory, dump their father, get myself a girlfriend, tell them mummy is busy exploring her sexuality. maybe subject them to the delights of internet pornography and explain to them that its fine that women are abducted, drugged and beaten, raped and damaged physically and psychologically for life. Dismiss the fact that the prisons are full of the most vile offenders who watched pornography from an early age. Say how fine and dandy it is that women are trafficked and exploited, some don't live to tell the world.

I can not accept that pornography is less harmful simply because not all women are exploited. Some even get paid, fewer still enjoy what they are doing, but why bother when women can be abducted and raped.

For your information I don't buy cheap goods produced by child labour, do you?

The effects of pornography are very well documented.

OP i had this problem when i was pg with DD2 as well as DH having a a fake facebook account and MSN and speaking to women about sex on there.

I found out about it all about a week before DD was born and made it completely clear that i did not like him looking at porn and exactly how it made me feel, he said he wouldnt do it again and as far as i am aware he hasnt, i have checked a couple of times and nothing on the computer. He also comes to bed when i go now as he was making a habit of staying up to look at it on the internet.
It took alot for me to realise it wasnt actualy about me but the feelings of excitment for him and he had to remind me of this over and over also i had alot of advise from WWIFN. Thanks WWIFN.

Since we have talked and realy been honest with each other we are so much closer and our sex life is great.

I think i found it hard because i honestly do not masturbate so couldnt understand why he needed to and esp why he need to watch porn to do it. This is prob tmi but now if he is feeling frisky and i am not then i will help him out ifswim but i do except sometimes he will masturbate when i am not around i just dont want him to look at porn whilst doing so and he has excepted this, also i think he also realised that he wouldnt be happy with me masturbating whilst looking or thinking about other men so this helped.

Talk to your DH be realy honest and hopefully he will see your point of view.

Sorry of this is abit of a ramble

I guess there is no right answer for everyone - but I would certainly advise any woman in this situation to make sure she gets the full picture of what's going on.

If your DH is caught in the act the first thing he'll say is that all men are attractd by porn/erotic images. This is almost certainly true but there is a huge difference between a casual interest and a serious obsession or addiction. So consider the following questions:

How much time does he spend doing this? Watch out for tell tale signs, eg he spent all day at home but somehow never got round to doing any of the jobs he was planning.

How extreme is the stuff he's looking at? No doubt he'd like you to believe it's like Page 3 of the Sun but there's a common pattern of moving from relatively softcore to relatively hardcore.

Has he spent any money on it and if so how much? Typical porn sites work by providing relatively mild content for free with an 'instant access' option to pay thru the nose to get the harder stuff. If you're really suspicious don't be afraid to ask to see his bank/credit card statements.

I read somewhere that 30% of a marital breakdowns in the US were due to porn. OK 'Lies damn lies and statisics' but porn does have huge potential for harm and turning a blind eye (because "all men do it") is unlikely to be a good strategy.

I think that's a really important point that you make ray because masturbation is healthy, but having to view people being dehumanised via porn, is not.

I have read widely and have also completed enough studies of my own through my work, not to be bullied by the pro-porn lobby. In my non-working life, I am more interested in the social politics about porn and its effect on relationships and families.

I notice that this often becomes an issue when children become teenagers, but that the bargains people make when their children are small, come back to haunt them. A Dad who thinks that porn use is perfectly acceptable amongst males, perpetuates the same hackneyed message that he was fed when he was a youngster, except of course the porn his son could be viewing now will be far more extreme than that accessed in his own teenage years. If he has daughters, he often has appalling double-standards and wouldn't want his daughter to become a porn star or a lap-dancer, although he is perfectly happy to watch someone else's daughter being objectified.

For those of you with young children and opposing views within your partnership about porn use and the gender politics associated with it, those bargains you are making are going to bite you in the bum when you realise the mixed messages you will be giving as parents, when your DCs become teenagers.

We do have teenagers (a daughter and a son) and fortunately, we are both giving them the same information about porn, in the absolute expectation that they will absorb some societal beliefs that male porn use is normal and that females should not only put up with it, but embrace it and try to mimic porn stars' appearance and sexual practices. We both want to give them the confidence and self-esteem to eschew that culture if it doesn't feel acceptable to them, either. If my H and I shared different beliefs about this, or if we had not reviewed our own beliefs and attitudes to porn, the DCs would have received completely mixed messages or worse still, the myths would have been perpetuated, at a time when access to violent, misogynist porn has never been easier and the existence of LDCs has been completely normalised.

The effects of porn are not well-documented and not proven, though. None of the studies so frequently cited by pro-censorship bucketheads (even when they manage to cite them somewhere near accurately) have been properly replicated and most have been completely discredited.

ANd the idea that monogamous marriage is 'best' and should be preserved at all costs is just bullshit. It's often interpreted to mean 'Put up with being treated like shit by a man because to be a single mother is to be a disgrace and a burden on society, so don't complain if he drinks the housekeeping or never lifts a finger, servicing men is what women are for.'

Also: re giving teens 'mixed messages' - it;s no bad thing for them to see that their parents disagree about stuff sometimes and yet are still able to get on amicably. People don't have to agree with their partners about everything.

"servicing men is what women are for." SGB I feel you make no sense what so ever.

Porn is made by men for men, it is all about women servicing men! I am aware that some women like watching it too but the target audiance is men and the product is women.

Yep your right though women have historically been exploited in the home for their worth in terms of labour and child care. I would Still prefer to get on with child rearing because it is very much more fulfilling than selfishly following my own whims and infinately better than being exploited as a product in some film.

SGB you asked another lady yesterday "What happened to you?" I'd like to ask what happened to SGB because you seem to have a real problem with this idea that some people actually want to be married and in a long term monogomous relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

I am perfectly aware that monogamous marriage is great for some people: my problem is with the idea that it's compulsory or always the best option. For many women, in particular, marriage is a trap and a miserable way to live, so i think questioning the institution of marriage is very important.

questioning crap marriages is very important, sure

nge...I totally agree with your views on the damaging effects of porn...on young people, and on relationships

Me too, AF. And I think the argument of 'I can't help it because I'm a man' is just a crap excuse for men to behave badly. I think they believe that excuse too; perhaps it eases their conscience.

They use it for porn, affairs, leering, going to strip clubs, using prostitutes.

It's a get out of jail card for men because women shrug their shoulders and say, 'oh ok, then'.

It's as rubbish as a woman maxing out her husband's credit cards on shoes and handbags and saying, 'sorry, darling, I can't help it. I am genetically pre-programmed to want shoes and handbags'.

Or...sorry darling, I was going to join you in bed but I was busy getting off to these hot young guys with washboard stomachs and huge dicks on the internet. I had to pay to look at some of the hotter guys being degraded but you don't mind, do you? You know that I'm a woman and I have needs and can't help it. Don't feel bad though; I still love you. It's just that I'm a visual person and these fit young guys really do it for me. It doesn't change the way I feel about you and your beer belly and bald head, you darling thing. In fact, do you mind if I go to a strip club this weekend with some girls from work and pay some hot guy in a private booth to rub his dick on my lap? You know it won't mean anything, don't you, me just being a woman 'n' all.

dead right, jess

I like the way you phrase it