husband and porn

[mummyworries]

he keeps looking at porn on the internet, behind my back of course! am i too sensitive when it comes to this as he said that all men do!!!! i hate it makes me feel like shit

I agree with Lequeen, men see the need as little different than blowing their nose.

Dh tried ever greater ways of hiding it but I was always aware of it. I finally gave in after several very big rows. Maybe I found this easier because I never felt it was a relationship problem, I wasn't replaced or usurped. I just feel that too much money is made off the back of exploiting women. Plus for some men it does distort their attitude and view of women.

So, it's fine to say to a pregnant woman , who has also gone without sex for the duration of her pregmancy " stuff your feelings and your needs, your husband's like of masturbating to porn is of far more importance than how you feel when he sneaks off for his porn fix ".

This isn't about him masturbating, at all, he could still have some private time in the bath or whatever if he's squeamish about a perfectly normal part of sex , nobody is saying "bad man, stop wanking!".

If porn is so inconsequential, so irrelevant, why the need to use it when he knows it's really upsetting his partner? You could extend the argument to infidelity, if fucking other women is meaningless to him, why not just let him get on with it?

I am absolutely shocked.

In the 21st century, there are men who don't know how to erase their browsing history and clear their Cache?

I think some men probably leave the history as a deliberate "fuck you, you can't tell me what to do" tbh.

UQD, if I didn't delete the history/clear the cookies etc. DH would leave it forever , he has emails going back to 2003! He's a virtual hoarder as well as a real life one . If I checked his laptop now, the history would go back to when he first installed google chrome I'm sure.

I agree with unquietdad I watch loads of porn and just delete it after. Then no one knows what I have been watching so it doesnt matter.

Internet porn is a whole new game to the odd video and normal bodied people in normal sexual positions in old wank fodder. Internet porn is a click away from potentially exploited and abused people. There are very few controls o internet porn and so one has to wonder what sort of desensitising occurs with frequent porn usage. The weird notion that all women should be shaven with massive breasts is porn fuelled. In addition to this I wonder whether this current internet porn generation is fuelling the need for lads mags and further objectification of women.

LeQueen you have no more insight into what 99.9% of men do than I, or any other poster for that matter. I detest these blanket statements about men and it does them an enormous disservice. You haven't got teenagers. When you have, hopefully you and your H will develop a deeper social conscience about porn, lap-dancing clubs and whatever else you think it's acceptable for "men" to do.

If it helps I have no problem with my husband looking at normal porn ( would object to bestiality etc!), I will also read porn and sometimes we read together... You need to chat if it bothers you but there are many people who would agree with him that it is normal.

UQD My partner knows how to delete the history, he works with computers for a living, hes not stupid in that sense.

LeQueen - have/do is two very different things. (e.g plenty of gov. ministers have smoked weed in their youth; but equally know that if they should make a habit of it now, they'd lose their job.)
I'm sure most men have looked at porn - hell, I'VE looked at porn. But I find it pretty distasteful really, so I wouldn't make a habit of it. I think the people on this thread who are talking about habitual, secretive or even obsessive use of porn vs a fleeting curiosity in it are talking at cross purposes.

Lequeen but it's not an either/ or situation. There are men who donate to charity and perform charitable deeds quietly and without a staged fuss, who also don't use porn and wouldn't be seen dead in a lap-dancing club.

I would urge posters to have a think about why you believe that most men use porn. Why do you think that men are any different to women? Why do we not see statements that read: "Most women use porn"? Why in fact does our OP not sit at a PC and masturbate? Is that because you all think that women are "different" or rather, that we have been conditioned differently?

It harms our sons if we have a societal expectation that boys and men will like and use porn.

I wish we could stop this expectation and belief that "all men" and "all boys" like and use porn, because it then becomes a completely self-fulfilling prophesy. It makes it increasingly difficult for a teenage boy to say he objects to it and doesn't want to see it and I suspect this is the root cause of the problems these posters are having. No-one sat down with these men when they were teenagers and explained the politics or the effects of porn; instead it was expected that they would consume it. In turn, their partners have absorbed a message that "men will be men" and they should just put up and shut up, if they are to keep their families together.

There is always the idea that men are conditioned to love porn as much as women are not. And peer pressure, of course, saving face. I don't know too many grown up men who love porn, well none in successful relationships.

LeQ....I think some men do enjoy porn, as do some women, but your evidence is based upon lads speak...I'm not sure that's entirely reliable, given that you say yourself most men like porn, what man would say different if confronted by a group of blokes talking about it.

That's not what I meant either, really, LeQueen. I meant that its preposterous (and I agree with you on this) to say that more than a tiny number of men have NEVER looked at porn. Almost all men have probably looked at it at some point. But I mean that in the past tense.

I'm sure there are men who just don't like it, need it or see it as pleasant. Men who either don't out of respect to their partner, or just don't full stop. And I don't think it's only 1% of men either.

Have/do is like the difference between past/present. Past use as opposed to ongoing. The two are separate; as we are reminded every time there is a thread along the lines of 'My DP did this or that seedy/dubious thing 20 years ago, should I leave him?'.

Whenwill I agree almost entirely with what you have said. Porn is very harmful, I read some research recently that questioned the effects of porn on teenage boys. It was found that over half of the boys who had been using pron regularly had no desire to form close relationships with women. It alters the way they view women and their expectations.

More research should be done into the effects its having on young women. Many young girls think porn is fine, something they should aspire to replicate in their relationships, leaving most of these young women at odds with themselves. I watched a documentary recently that looked into the industry in the states. These women thought they were going to make a name for themselves, instead they were used, abused and spat out again, plenty more where they came from. One girl admitted that she had to take drugs because it was the only way she could face what was being asked of her.

It is desensitising and for some people this means that they start to view ever increasing warped material.

'Ask him why he needs to look at porn in order to masturbate, the answer is, he doesn't. He could masturbate in bed, beside you/with you helping FFS!'

Unless this was part of a mutual sex session, I would find this really creepy/exploitative.

Sometimes, DP feels horny and I don't. He goes and has a wank surreptitiously. Sometimes it's the other way round and I'm equally surreptitious. I'm not sure either of us even could do it if the other one was just lying there, not particularly into even watching.

WRT porn, the way I look at it is that some people have wonderfully vivid imaginations that never let them down and some occasionally need pictures or words to help them along. There are obviously some serious issues around the way porn is produced but if there was such a thing as 'fair trade porn' I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. And yes, IME, most men admit to looking at it at least occasionally.

However, if porn use at whatever level is getting in the way of a happy relationship, it really needs talking about. I think men probably are different to us in some fairly basic ways, but not that different - most of them want happy, close, honest relationships, just like us, and are prepared to compromise a bit to make that happen.

I agree Cheerful V. It would be nigh on impossible to find someone who hadn't seen porn in one format or another, but thank goodness lots of people evolve and have started challenging porn, especially in light of the studies about its effect on relationships and users' views of female sexuality.

LeQueen that's also a highly disingenuous question to ask of UQD. However, I'd be interested UQD if you expanded on it and answered about the conditioning you absorbed as a young male and contrast this with the conditioning that your wife, or female siblings absorbed, about either their own use of porn or whether they should embrace the porn culture.

It still doesn't answer the question. For those female posters who don't masturbate to internet porn but have partners who do, why do you think you are different? Let's show some respect to men's imagination here too, so the first biscuit goes to the poster who chants that "men are visual creatures"

I sometimes wank to rude books with no pictures. DP sometimes wanks to videos or mags with lots of pictures (won't touch internet porn because it's so often virus-ridden).

Gis a biscuit!

parsnips I like the way you explain it, makes total sense.

I would also feel a bit creeped out if DP was wanking in the bed beside me.

My issue is that he used porn instead of having sex with me when I wouldnt have turned him down, he claims I was asleep. I wasnt.

Oh and Im not saying I dont wank to porn, I do just when DP is not in.