Husband has decided to leave after Christmas

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

I'm fucking angry more than anything... And no point in namechanging really!
He has been 'off' for a few days, so I pinned him down and asked what was up. Lengthy silence. Not a good one. "I cheated on you earlier this year". Ok, not good, but I wasn't screaming. And more kept coming out, while he sat there with his head hanging like a naughty schoolboy.
He's never felt 'settled'.
He hoped getting married would make him stop looking around (together 6yrs, married a year and a half).
He's only had full sex with that one girl that one time but has 'come close' another time with someone else.
I got the "You deserve better" line.
Then the real fun started when I asked him who he had been confiding in about it. i knew it even before he opened his mouth- "Donna"
The girl he swore up and down he was just mates with, she's one of the lads, nothing going on I swear. It turns out they have been discussing MY FUCKING MARRIAGE for weeks.
"Do you want to be with her?"
"No"
"Do you want to be with her?"
"Um.
Yes."
They had apparently, according to him, revealed to one another that they liked each other but that- how noble of them- they wouldn't do anything about it. Now he has said he wants to stay until after Christmas then leave. He first said he doesn't want to be with anyone, then after the third time I asked him, he admitted he wants to be with her. I don't think she knows this but they have certainly discussed their feelings for each other.
I am currently still in an icy ball of rage and disgust. If he had simply said about the old infidelity and the "I can't stop my roving eye" I'd have stayed friendly and been rational while we split, but as soon as he said the name Donna I wanted to slap him until he bled. How fucking dare he lie to my face about her. I was comforting her at my sister's birthday party a couple of weeks ago because Donna's ex turned up with a new girlfriend. I fucking sat with her as she wept and now she's been my husband's sounding board for his doubts about me. We have two DDs and I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to play this after Christmas, or through Christmas for that matter.
I told him that it was the worst thing he could have done. He has not seen me cry, he has seen me be coldly furious.
To round it all off my dad, sister and her bf are coming over for Christmas day. How can I not tell my sister that her mate has been organising the breakup of my marriage?
How do I not go into the place she works and lamp her?
How do I be the bigger person and not ruin her day to day existence? (she works at my old workplace where the boss and the assistant manager are good friends of mine- I was there for over six years).
How do I keep the family running while not wanting to even look at him? The kids will notice that we're not speaking, but if I'm all smiles he will start to normalise and rationalise his behaviour.
I'm a big girl, but my girls are not.
I could fucking mangle him.

Well, we had that talk he wanted. It didn't go how I expected.
basically we have decided that he really, badly needs to see a therapist of some sort. He hates Christmas because of his vile childhood and everything has come to a head :(
Back story: Alcoholic mum. She spent all of her money on booze. He had very little at Christmas and had to sit pretending to be happy while his mum had her latest boyfriend round, getting drunk. her boyfriends would bully, ignore and laugh at him and his mum would let them. He was bullied every single day at school for being the poor kid who had cheap shoes, scruffy clothes, no toys.
his mum would say "love you" before leaving him alone while she went to the pub to spend all her cash.
He was groomed by a paedophile when he was 9 and abused until he was 13 and presumably puberty. The man who raped him for four years would tell him "I love you, and this is how I show you". :(
He is seriously fucked up. he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to leave me for her, she is a red herring, he doesn't want to leave, he wants to not be unhappy.
he wants to have things out with his mum. He also thinks trying to bring the bastard paedophile to justice will be pointless- one word against another after 13 years. Actually he wants to have him killed.
Interesting times, huh. He is still here but the rings are off and not going back on until he has spoken to somebody in a professional capacity, if they go back on at all.

nanny your dh's childhood sounds dreadful. I think you're right about him seeing a professional. I hope he can work through this and you can all be happier for it.

How do you feel now?

How much of this did you already know and how much has he told you just today?

I knew about his horrible mum and the vile man. I didn't know how much he was bottling up and how unresolved it all was. We've spoken about them before and he seemed to have worked through his feelings about them but clearly he hasn't. He generally comes across as a very self-assured, sometimes arrogant, 'man's man' and is good at glossing over his feelings. I think it's been like a huge boil bursting for him.

It's also hard because I had a very happy childhood and there are mementoes and reminders of it around our house. He has now admitted that seeing them reminds him how shit his own was. He has literally nothing from his childhood, not even a favourite teddy or a family photo.

Blimey, what a Christmas present :(

I honestly don't know how you're going to cope with this. When therapy starts working, it makes things worse for a while (5 years in my case, but most people are quicker) and you will certainly need counselling of your own, for informed support and a place to vent.

For the minute, I hope getting all out will have proved cathartic enough for him to settle into family life over the holiday period.

On a longer term basis, I understand that you will want to support him and try to get through this together. I would, however, like to point out that you're his partner NOT his therapist, and you are fully entitled to bail out at any point.

I wish you both all the comfort, help and peace you need.

gosh, what a great big huge can of worms!!!

I think you are very sensible to keep those rings off just now. Your first prioty should be you and your kids.

and everything grace said too.

Hope you have some peace over christmas

Bloody hell nanny! you poor thing! I do hope he can get some help to work through this.

How do YOU feel about all this?

NannyNobs - it's a lot to take in isn't it. It's not going to be easy and thre isn't much I can say really to make it any easier - but I hope he makes an appointment to see someone early in the New Year and starts to deal with all of this. I don't know where it leaves you - but I guess you'll just have to take it one day at a time for now x

How horrendous. I hope he manages to work through this for everyone's sake.

At least it's out now and to repeat YOU are not his carer or in any way qualified to help him deal with this.
You are able to support him though when he goes to sort some profesional help out for himself.

He needs to do that and NOT put you and ds through it any more shit. Being in pain like that is not a license to abuse his family.

Good luck.

How was Christmas and how are you doing?

This is a rotten situation for you, and while I can see that your H is deserving of some sympathy for his horrible past, you matter too. He's not entitled to pass the pain along to you. You would be doing a perfectly reasonable thing to tell him to leave and sort his issues out with a therapist, that you will be friendly and supportive to him and allow him access to the DC but that his issues are not a Get Out OF Jail Free card. Because they're not. You and the DC are important, loveable, worthwhile people, not just ancillaries to this man's live and problems.

Oh and all the people slagging off 'Donna' - fuck off and get over yourselves. The H may not even have shagged her, she may have been advising him on how to sort out his issues - and whatever, it's the H who is mistreating the OP and lying to her.