Husband has decided to leave after Christmas

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

I'm fucking angry more than anything... And no point in namechanging really!
He has been 'off' for a few days, so I pinned him down and asked what was up. Lengthy silence. Not a good one. "I cheated on you earlier this year". Ok, not good, but I wasn't screaming. And more kept coming out, while he sat there with his head hanging like a naughty schoolboy.
He's never felt 'settled'.
He hoped getting married would make him stop looking around (together 6yrs, married a year and a half).
He's only had full sex with that one girl that one time but has 'come close' another time with someone else.
I got the "You deserve better" line.
Then the real fun started when I asked him who he had been confiding in about it. i knew it even before he opened his mouth- "Donna"
The girl he swore up and down he was just mates with, she's one of the lads, nothing going on I swear. It turns out they have been discussing MY FUCKING MARRIAGE for weeks.
"Do you want to be with her?"
"No"
"Do you want to be with her?"
"Um.
Yes."
They had apparently, according to him, revealed to one another that they liked each other but that- how noble of them- they wouldn't do anything about it. Now he has said he wants to stay until after Christmas then leave. He first said he doesn't want to be with anyone, then after the third time I asked him, he admitted he wants to be with her. I don't think she knows this but they have certainly discussed their feelings for each other.
I am currently still in an icy ball of rage and disgust. If he had simply said about the old infidelity and the "I can't stop my roving eye" I'd have stayed friendly and been rational while we split, but as soon as he said the name Donna I wanted to slap him until he bled. How fucking dare he lie to my face about her. I was comforting her at my sister's birthday party a couple of weeks ago because Donna's ex turned up with a new girlfriend. I fucking sat with her as she wept and now she's been my husband's sounding board for his doubts about me. We have two DDs and I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to play this after Christmas, or through Christmas for that matter.
I told him that it was the worst thing he could have done. He has not seen me cry, he has seen me be coldly furious.
To round it all off my dad, sister and her bf are coming over for Christmas day. How can I not tell my sister that her mate has been organising the breakup of my marriage?
How do I not go into the place she works and lamp her?
How do I be the bigger person and not ruin her day to day existence? (she works at my old workplace where the boss and the assistant manager are good friends of mine- I was there for over six years).
How do I keep the family running while not wanting to even look at him? The kids will notice that we're not speaking, but if I'm all smiles he will start to normalise and rationalise his behaviour.
I'm a big girl, but my girls are not.
I could fucking mangle him.

I'm not sure, but I think that maybe you are focusing too much on Donna. He said he never felt settled etc. so all this predates her really. It's him. And she has refused to sleep with him, and isn't that what you're supposed to do if something arises between you and someone who's attached? Aren't you supposed to say 'It might be different if you weren't with someone, but you are'? He has then taken it upon himself to tell you about it, and tell you he wants to be with her. Would you have wanted her to tell you what he had said to her, and mess up his relationship before he had a chance to do anything about it?

It does sound like there isn't anything 'real' between them and I am bemused that he now wants to 'be with her'. I think that's a daft reaction on his part.

He created the divide between the two of you by sleeping with someone else, and then needed to talk to someone about it out of guilt so picked her. And then because they had a secret together it turned into 'something'. Because secrets bind people together and push other people (i.e. you) out. That's what I think has happened here, but I may be wrong.

Well, if you want him there for the girls, then that's good enough. Maybe it would be good to have a back up plan in place though, just in case it all gets too much, eg 'there's an emergency and Daddy has to go out for a while'.

She sounds like a waste of melons, BTW. Don't worry, no one will look kindly on her for this.

SingingCat - you'd be amazed how well 'He had to go away for work & he's very sad he can't be here for Christmas' would work. Children really just believe you, they will be so wrapped up in Christmas that the wont over-think it, he could call Christmas Day & see them Boxing Day. A suitable start to his part time fatherhood I feel.

Anyway, it's not relevant as at this stage Nannynob thinks she can hold it together over Christmas and wants to for the girls.

Nanny - you wouldn't consider continuing with your marriage after this would you???

It is more his 'fault' that Donna's - he married you, she didn't, however as she was a friend she is responsible as well and I wish all the melons in the world would come crashing down upon them both - and for her to cry on your shoulder about her ex being at a party whilst she's wooing your DH - fucking bitch.

So he is leaving you for a woman he has not even kissed...but who he has only confided in?? Sounds odd...sounds very odd to me.

I suspect he may not be telling the truth and he has already slept with her or that he is not really wanting your relationship to end...but is creating drama for some weird reason. Is it possible?

I am very, very sorry you are going through this a week before Christmas...they seem so heartless at times don't they?

He says He hasn't kissed her - Yeah Right! If he hasn't kissed her I'll eat my sofa.

SingingCat - people use excuses such as 'I never felt settled' when they have acted badly, it's an attempt to excuse their behaviour and shift some, if not all the blame, onto the other party. IF he felt unsettled then he had an obligation to discuss this with Nannynob, not shag other women and have an emotional affair with Donna.

Oh, I read the 'I never settled' and 'can'[t stop my roving eye' stuff as an admission that he was always a bit rubbish like that and that it was inevitable that the marriage would break down, and that the wedding itself was a last-ditch attempt . He doesn't seem bothered about saving the relationship. He could easily have covered it up but didn't bother (not that lying about it is better, but admitting it straight up and not saying sorry shows that he doesn't care about staying married).

NannyNobs was listing all the things he then came out with after telling her he cheated on her earlier in the year. If that was how he had felt he should have been telling her that then, not now. He has got to the stage of wanting to leave, without ever having discussed his supposed disatisfaction with their relationship - he has no respect for her or their relationship. At this stage he will say anything if it sounds vaguely plausible and if it shifts the blame.

Sorry OP, I think he is telling you a pack of lies. I suspect he has slept with "Donna" or at least had some physical contact, because otherwise he wouldn't be taking the dramatic step of leaving. I'd even go as far as to say that the story of the earlier infidelities might be a lie, but it gets the truth of sexual infidelity "out there" without revealing the truth of who it was with.

You are angry now, but as the days progress, that will give way to other emotions. Sadness, loss, fear. It will be hellish having to experience these and keep up a facade of being happily married. At the very least, will you consider a compromise of him going elsewhere and re-appearing on Christmas Day?

And in answer to someone's post about the "right" thing to do if a married friend tells you he's always had the hots for you, it's certainly NOT to murmur "Ooh yes, me too" but then pretend that you're too decent to go there while that person is married. The only decent, fair thing to do in these circumstances is to say "I'm not interested. Sort out your problems with your wife."

yeah he is either leaving 'for her' because they have been having a relationship or he is using it as an out, and not intending to be with her. Either way he is clearly not bothered about saving the marriage so the only thing you can do is now make it less painful for the kids.

At least as you are married now he will have to give you more money. silver lining

I'm confused
He slept with someone, but not Donna, he confided in Donna about the marriage problems, and now he wants to leave you for Donna? Have I got that right? It sounds most odd.

No wonder you are angry. Please do not do anything rash . Retain your dignity at all times.
Take legal advice. Good luck

I think he confessed to the infidelity (which I believe happened) because I've always said he's be out the door if he cheated. Hence I'd give him the boot and I would have done the booting, he wouldn't have been doing the leaving. As it was, I came straight out and said "is this an excuse to leave?" and he said yes.
Sorry it's very unclear! He first met Donna a few years ago and apparently liked her then, but nothing happened, and then they met again at my sister's house this year. He says he 'realised' he couldn't stay faithful because of the way he felt about her on seeing her again. He's been trying to carry on as normal until a couple of weeks ago when they exchanged numbers (the night I was comforting her over her ex, the fucking £$%&@.)
For her part, Donna made it very clear that IF HE WERE SINGLE she would be interested. They have been texting back and forth for weeks. Fucking Blackberry.
No, whoever it was who asked, I do not intend to carry on with my marriage, the rings are already off!

Wanker.

I would say he's already been shagging kissing Donna.

Personally I'd throw him out before Christmas but agree that he can come early in the morning and stay for the day but if you are happy to have him there til then, that's up to you.

Practicalities... If the house is owned rather than rented, is your name on the deeds?

You can't kick him out on Christmas Day, can you imagine what he'd tell people?

No, make him leave now, with the proviso that he can come back on Christmas Day at 8am to see the kids opening their presents, then leave again at 12pm.

Hopefully the distraction of Christmas will help the kids adjust to him not being there.

It's a council property thank heavens. To be honest, whether he's done anything with her is moot right now as he doesn't want to stay anyway and I don't want to fight for him. Why would I fight for a man who doesn't consider me worth staying faithful to? For what it's worth, I don't think he has, I asked him if he was lying and he said "I'm past lying now".

Get rid of him. Now.

Poor you. You know you're better off without him though, don't you?

Oh god how awful for you. you know this already but you're so much better off without him.

Like the idea of kicking him out now, but letting him back on Xmas day for the sake of the kids.

Have you talked properly to your sister yet, because it will be helpful for you to have somebody who knows what is happening.

I hope you managed to get a little sleep last night.

You are right, it doesn't matter what they have been doing. He's been unfaithful, he has no intention of not being unfaithful in the future and you are very wisely not interested in staying married to the prick him.

I hope your Dad & your sister etc can be civil to him on Christmas Day for the girls sake - it might be best to ask your sister not to say anything to him - I don't think my Dad would be able to spend the day with him like this. He'd be OK in the future, but not this soon and not pretending everything is OK.

I'm not sure what to do re telling my dad- I think if I let him spend Christmas dinner thinking all's fine and dandy, then tell him after, he'll feel duped. My dad isn't generally a violent man but I think he'd make an exception, and he's not an old fogey, he's a fit 52 yr old engineer. My sister isn't coming round until later on for drinks and I plan on telling H to not be here by then. The DDs will just assume he went to the gym or to see a mate.
And to complicate things further,last week I invited a young lad who'd otherwise be all alone for Christmas round for dinner. Aaagghh! it's like a bad sitcom.

I haven't read all the responses but i just wanted to say that i have been on the other end of this, from the child's point of view.
In my opinion telling them before christmas is best. It will be heart-braking when it happens, but thinking you've been lied to and having happy memories ruined because you find out your parents are pretending makes it even harder. The best thing you can do for your children is to be honest with them and I think that means kicking him out now. I don't think for one second you will manage to hide it from anyone anyway, so it WILL come out, I would tell everyone now, get some support and have a quiet christmas, (and let the bastard feel very alone this year!)

Oh and i would absolutely tell everyone! Make her life hell! If she deserves it she'll take it, and if she doesn't she'll soon let you know and it'll make you feel better either way......

xx

i agree with chipping in, but tbh, i think letting him stay till after christmas is a recipie for disaster - do you REALLY think you will be able to sit round the festive table with him? - perhaps you are a better woman than me, but frankly, the sight of him sitting there there playing the doting husband and father would be too much for me!, i think i would boil over with rage and it would all come out (especially after the booze has been added into the mix!) - personally i would be showing him teh door this morning - he has caused this, why should he get to be at home now? - i would tell the girls he has to work away, have some breathing space and then tell them in the new year!

i wish you bloody good luck whatever you decide to do - you sound strong and together with your girls you can build a much better life - donna is welcome to the scum bag!

It's easy to not spend much time with him between now and Christmas as he's a lorry driver, goes to bed early and gets up early. He isn't really here very much and I do 90% of the parenting anyway, purely because he's at work most of the time. Christmas day is still up in the air. Not sure what to do. I am cooking and he can be in a different room with the kids, I don't want anyone in there when I'm cooking anyway. Really, I don't think I will launch at him, but I've already told him he's going after dinner regardless. I'm still processing everything, not sure of next step just yet. Chatting to some friends.
The latest doozy has just come out- I told my old friend from work, who works with Donna now, and she revealed the latest titbit- Donna has been sleeping with her boss, a young married man I know with kids... Sigh. I think H has chosen an auld slapper for his next squeeze. Has she got the best minge ever or something? Twat.

nah! manky minge without doubt!

sympathies for you nannynobbly, my parents broke up just before Christmas, I had just turned 11. Yes it was horrible but I think it was better that way than carrying on and happening after, as westlake says, the pretence of the 'happy family' only to find out its all false would break their hearts further. And yes, she does sound like the village bike.

OP, you sound like a lovely mum willing to put yourself second for the kids to have a great Christmas. BUT have you thought about what will happen if they go to sleep with him there on Christmas day, and wake up to find him gone on boxing day? They will always remember that Christmas was the day their dad left. It's not like they'll be able to forget the date, it'll come round every year and it might turn a happy calm time into a stressful and upsetting one for them.