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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decided to leave after Christmas

89 replies

nannynobblystockingnobs · 21/12/2010 23:53

I'm fucking angry more than anything... And no point in namechanging really!
He has been 'off' for a few days, so I pinned him down and asked what was up. Lengthy silence. Not a good one. "I cheated on you earlier this year". Ok, not good, but I wasn't screaming. And more kept coming out, while he sat there with his head hanging like a naughty schoolboy.
He's never felt 'settled'.
He hoped getting married would make him stop looking around (together 6yrs, married a year and a half).
He's only had full sex with that one girl that one time but has 'come close' another time with someone else.
I got the "You deserve better" line.
Then the real fun started when I asked him who he had been confiding in about it. i knew it even before he opened his mouth- "Donna"
The girl he swore up and down he was just mates with, she's one of the lads, nothing going on I swear. It turns out they have been discussing MY FUCKING MARRIAGE for weeks.
"Do you want to be with her?"
"No"
"Do you want to be with her?"
"Um.
Yes."
They had apparently, according to him, revealed to one another that they liked each other but that- how noble of them- they wouldn't do anything about it. Now he has said he wants to stay until after Christmas then leave. He first said he doesn't want to be with anyone, then after the third time I asked him, he admitted he wants to be with her. I don't think she knows this but they have certainly discussed their feelings for each other.
I am currently still in an icy ball of rage and disgust. If he had simply said about the old infidelity and the "I can't stop my roving eye" I'd have stayed friendly and been rational while we split, but as soon as he said the name Donna I wanted to slap him until he bled. How fucking dare he lie to my face about her. I was comforting her at my sister's birthday party a couple of weeks ago because Donna's ex turned up with a new girlfriend. I fucking sat with her as she wept and now she's been my husband's sounding board for his doubts about me. We have two DDs and I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to play this after Christmas, or through Christmas for that matter.
I told him that it was the worst thing he could have done. He has not seen me cry, he has seen me be coldly furious.
To round it all off my dad, sister and her bf are coming over for Christmas day. How can I not tell my sister that her mate has been organising the breakup of my marriage?
How do I not go into the place she works and lamp her?
How do I be the bigger person and not ruin her day to day existence? (she works at my old workplace where the boss and the assistant manager are good friends of mine- I was there for over six years).
How do I keep the family running while not wanting to even look at him? The kids will notice that we're not speaking, but if I'm all smiles he will start to normalise and rationalise his behaviour.
I'm a big girl, but my girls are not.
I could fucking mangle him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nannynobblystockingnobs · 22/12/2010 11:12

He usually works on Boxing day which means he's out at the crack of dawn. Ironically this year he got the 26th and 27th off, but won't be here now anyway.
How the fuck do I tell the kids? How?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 22/12/2010 11:14

you don't tell them -make him do it

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass · 22/12/2010 11:14

Surely he should be the one telling them?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/12/2010 11:32

Hmm..if your friend is right, then it adds even more suspicion to the notion that "Donna" has moral objections to getting involved with a married man, unless of course that relationship is now over and she's had her fingers burnt, but not quite burnt enough it would seem...Hmm. Exchanging mobile numbers and texting someone for weeks after an attraction has been reciprocally disclosed is hardly backing away, is it?

I understand why it's tempting to call her all the names under the sun, but her sexual morals are no worse than your H's. Don't fall into the trap of expecting higher standards from a woman than you'd expect from a man.

I really think it would be best for him to go before Christmas and for you and your DCs to get support from your family. This is not your doing and it isn't your fault, you've had this situation thrown at you. Lying to children, even with the best of intentions, is never a good idea and they will be able to sense the atmosphere anyway. Do your in-laws know what is going on?

Original poster
nannynobblystockingnobs · 22/12/2010 11:50

His dad lives in another town and though they get on, we don't see him very often. His mum is an alcoholic and lives at the other end of the country. To all intents and purposes my inlaws are a fabulous gay couple who have looked after him over the years since his own parents were crap, he has been calling them and apparently they are gutted but supporting him- they adore the DDs and treat them like grandkids. I assume he's given them the "I don't love her any more" part rather than "I can't keep my cock in my pants" version, but then he may have told them all of it.
Oh I intend for him to tell the DDs, but I don't want him to blunder in and make a hash of it.
I am just as disgusted with him, make no mistake. It's 95% his doing, she was a willing participant, but the buck stops with him.

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 22/12/2010 12:05

So sorry nannynobbly, what a bloody waste of space, why do these idiots marry? And have kids, without examining their morals and beliefs?

blackcoffee · 22/12/2010 12:10

I would def ask him to go now. Keeping up appearances for Xmas Day will be a terrible strain, as well as emotionally dishonest. Am v sorry, my ex was fooling around at this time of year with a 'Donna' although I only found out in January, after dd was born. So I know how you feel.

ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 12:32

Nanny - where he goes isn't your problem. I really would tell him to fuck off today. Tell him he can have the girls Boxing Day - he can even have them at your house and you will go out. You can't shut yourself in the kitchen all of Christmas Day while he does the lovely Daddy stuff in the other room - that will just be miserable for you :( I just fear it all coming out on Christmas Day otherwise.

IF you are going to have him and your Dad there Christmas Day, do not tell your Dad. Afterwards you can explain to him that you wanted it to be as normal as possible for the girls and that you know he loves you too much to have sat there pretending and not lamping the fucker one. My Dad has never hit anyone - but I wouldn't want to test his self control in this situation. My Dad could not have sat there for the day without taking him to one side and telling him exactly what he thought of him (at the very least).

I would tell the girls that because of the snow the lorries have to be driven Christmas Day - it's very sad but we can have a nice day then Mummy has things she has to do for Grandad on Boxing Day but Daddy has the day off... all quite plausible. Then he can be working away for several days and in the New Year he can tell them that he's moving out. If you are very convincing they wont see through the Christmas sham.

As for the bike, she doesn't have anything you don't have - no fabulous minge I'm sure, just that it's open all hours without any condoms strings.

Which brings me to another thing, in the New Year you have to go for a full check up, be honest with them that he's been screwing around and you need to be sure he's not given you anything :(

Original poster
nannynobblystockingnobs · 22/12/2010 12:42

He now wants us to go for a drink when he gets back from work so he can tell me what's going on in his head. Apparently it's Important.
I said "I'm not sitting in a pub with strangers watching me cry because you're dumping me."
No reply to that.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 22/12/2010 12:47

Everything Chippin said re the lorries going out due to the snow.

If your dad is there xmas day and you are trying to be normal, he will know.

And, like Chippin said... you don't want to be stuck in the kitchen while he does nice dad things and enjoys himself.

ChippingIn · 22/12/2010 12:52

Tell him that you no longer care what's going on in his head.

loopylou6 · 22/12/2010 13:58

100% agree with everything chippingin has said

omaoma · 22/12/2010 14:12

just a note re your feelings about Donna - of course you are furious that another human being could do this to you, but having lived through infidelity, you have to remember that the reality your partner has been spinning for her was prob very far from the reality you live in with him. the OW in my last relationship ended up apologising to me after the prat split up with her a year after he left me for her, because she realised how much he'd lied to her and how wrong she had been to believe it was ever 'reasonable' to start one relationship before you've physically left another, however 'over' you might be professing it to be...

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 22/12/2010 14:14

Agree 100% with ChippingIn also.

Nothing to add of any help, I'm afraid, but really hope you and your DDs are ok today.

aristocat · 22/12/2010 14:25

i am really sorry for you and your girls, there are wise words from ChippingIn ...... i agree tell him to leave today.

traceybath · 22/12/2010 14:28

Also agree with Chipping and you are handling this amazingly you know.

Take good care of yourself.

angel1976 · 22/12/2010 14:37

I really don't post on threads like this but can I just say nanny I applaud you, you are handling this with the utmost dignity. Take care. I hope it all works out for you. Sorry for your DDs. :(

ShanahansRevenge · 22/12/2010 18:06

That Donna needs running out of town if you ask me! It sounds like she makes a bee-line for married men the COW!

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/12/2010 18:18

I haven't read the whole thread yet but wanted to post before I forgot. I get what you are saying about Christmas but this year will not be as good as previous years. Let the children remember last Christmas as their last one with Mum and Dad together and happy. Don't make this one the one they remember as the one where M and D couldn't even look at each other.

Your H has forfeited all rights to any decisions.

Lydwatt · 22/12/2010 18:35

sounds like donna and nobby deserve each other...and don't forget, what goes around, comes around. He'll cheat on her eventually.

I'm with chipping too. its important to Look after your kids but you need him out asap.

GraceAwayInAManger · 22/12/2010 18:41

You don't need advice! You're handling it very well. I disagree with you about Christmas, but it's your family not mine ... and there'd be a very special satisfaction in chucking him out into the snow at 8pm on the 25th, when everything's closed [evil grin] [mad chortle]

I finally split with X#1 over his affair with a 'friend'. I'd comforted her broken heart, fed her many lovely dinners, given her lifts to work in the snow, etc, etc. Cold fury seems to come easier in such circs ... I wonder if we'd been subconsciously preparing for the blow?

Please DO tell everyone you feel like telling, especially your sister. Good luck!

GraceAwayInAManger · 22/12/2010 18:44

BTW, I let X#1 stay for Christmas. Reason being, I established that she'd chosen my presents 'from him'. They were expensive and she had good taste! Shallow, me?

deludedfool · 22/12/2010 18:51

perfumed - they hide the fact they have no morals; you realise years later.

deludedfool · 22/12/2010 18:54

And we naively believe other people have them - and that they have a conscience like us. But we learn, the hard way, they don't.

bathbuns · 22/12/2010 19:52

I just wanted to add my support. You poor love. What an utter knob your partner is. Especially because he's left you with the decision of either chucking him out now and hurting your DC's at Christmas or sitting there with him on Christmas day and having to keep up a charade of happy families. That's almost the worst thing in my eyes. Can he not imagine how that would feel?

Here's hoping that if he does end up with Donna, she dumps him very quickly and moves onto her next man, leaving him with a raging STD.

Huge, unmumsnetty hugs.