How do I help 8 year old DD develop immunity to horrible grandmother's vile comments?

[HerBeatitude]

Here's an example: yesterday, DD 8, got all dressed up for carol service at local church, my mother was taking her. She wore her new velvet sequinned skirt, couldn't find a suitable top to go with it so borrowed one of mine, was all blinged up and sequinned and feeling fab. One minute she was dancing around looking forward to the carol service, next she came running up the stairs crying, saying she didn't want to go because Nanny had said she looked ridiculous and silly.

It upset her for about half an hour and just as she'd calmed down about it, once again my mother made some fucking stupid unnecesary remark which set her off again. She ended up changing outfits because my awful mother had made her feel so bad. And she'd felt beautiful an hour before.

I didn't even feel angry about it because I'm so used to this sort of mindless cruelty from my mother. Cutting her out of my life isn't an option, making her stop is never going to happen, so what can I do to make sure that my DD develops the same immunity it took me 42 years to develop to this shit?

Littlemiss, no I wouldn't.

As I said, I'll take account of their opinions, but their opinion is not the final, deciding factor.

I'm planning to put a stop to it, I just haven't decided how yet - limited contact, or no contact at all.

Thanks for your post. And happy christmas.

The short answer here is that you cannot solve this. She will never will play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations here. You see this as a solvable problem - this is not a solvable problem because she will not change, will not apologise and will not accept responsibility for her actions. She has denied her own awful childhood. Cutting her off therefore should not be seen as a last resort.

The only way forward is to cut her off completely; I say this from experience here. Your mother brings nothing but barbs into your childrens lives. Okay so she buys them stuff (but she is buying their affections here, bet you also she is a crap gift giver). Children will accept any kind of grandparent, even one who calls them names. Look too at how your eldest reacts to her; that is very telling in its own right. They see you with your mum and fall in with you accordingly. You have a choice re your mum at the end of the day. You've tried every six weeks and that has not properly worked either.

And how did she react to the news that your children were not going there post Christmas - she was livid but shocked.

I am saddened that there was no-one around to protect you from her when you were a child. Both your parents abjectly failed you (many men in such dysfunctional family situations act as bystanders out of self preservation and want of a quiet life) and continue to do so.

I'm in a similar situation and I can't cut my mother out of our lives because she lives with us.

I would beware of being drawn in to passive-aggressive tactics yourself. I've been guilty of this and I think it's unhelpful to dd.

I try to avoid confronting my mother because she punishes me with extreme over-reaction and martyrdom, making me feel worse. But I'm afraid dd is learning from me to put up with awful behaviour and fume about it behind Mum's back.

You said 'I thought she'd realised she couldn't do this anymore' - I have sat Mum down several times and spelt out that she must not tell dd what to do or what not to do, but leave it to us. She behaves herself for a little while, then goes back to her old ways. Agree with everyone who said the only way is to pick up on every episode as it happens and ignore the excuses/tantrums that result.

This is very much work in progress in this house

I know you are taking this seriously HB, I hope you don't think I am saying anything to the contrary.

I think they are too young to be in contact with this woman, at this delicate stage in their development.

I think the approach I would take is to go and lay it on the line with your mum, to tell her that you think her comments harmful and that if she can't say anything nice, not to say anything at all.

Be calm and cool with her, saying that YOU were affected by her comments as a child and that you will not allow her to do that to your DC. Tell her that SHE has the power to keep contact going, by being nice, like everyone elses mother/grandmother is, or that you will be limiting contact.

If she doesn't make enough of an effort, then there will be NC until the children are old enough to be able to stand up to her themselves.

Ultimately it is HER that is queering the pitch, SHE is the one that needs to behave properly, YOU should not feel guilty for ensuring your DC are in safe supportive relationships.

I know that the above is hard.

But these are things that MUST be said. If it's not expressed clearly to her that you will not put up with this there will be no end.

You are a grown woman now, these are your DC. Everything else pales into insignificance.