How do I help 8 year old DD develop immunity to horrible grandmother's vile comments?

[HerBeatitude]

Here's an example: yesterday, DD 8, got all dressed up for carol service at local church, my mother was taking her. She wore her new velvet sequinned skirt, couldn't find a suitable top to go with it so borrowed one of mine, was all blinged up and sequinned and feeling fab. One minute she was dancing around looking forward to the carol service, next she came running up the stairs crying, saying she didn't want to go because Nanny had said she looked ridiculous and silly.

It upset her for about half an hour and just as she'd calmed down about it, once again my mother made some fucking stupid unnecesary remark which set her off again. She ended up changing outfits because my awful mother had made her feel so bad. And she'd felt beautiful an hour before.

I didn't even feel angry about it because I'm so used to this sort of mindless cruelty from my mother. Cutting her out of my life isn't an option, making her stop is never going to happen, so what can I do to make sure that my DD develops the same immunity it took me 42 years to develop to this shit?

Actually thinking about it, yesterday was the first time that she really upset DD. Her mindless cruelty is normally directed against me, Helenarose, not my children so please don't tell me my DD is suffering in the same way I did, FFS. The reason I did this thread is because yesterday was a bit of a wake up call in realising that she could be re-directing some of her poison against DD and trying to make sure tht doesn't happen.

I think DD does know that I'm fighting her corner, she knows I don't agree with Nanny on a lot of things and that I'm on her side. Cutting my mother out of my life would be the last resort, though and I'm trying to find out if there are any alternatives to that.

HerB.

This may be harsh and I am sorry, but it is likely you will have trouble with your dd when she is a teenager, if you still brush over your mother's vile behaviour and expect your dd to learn to 'cope'.

Why should she learn to cope with someone who is supposed to love her being spiteful to her?

What GOML said.

Stand up for your daughter, please.

But I don't brush over her grandmother's behaviour Getorf.

I tell her it's wrong. I don't want her to have to cope with it, I want her to not be bothered by it. Am I being unrealistic?

I don't mind you being harsh btw, I have been mulling over what I need to do all day and that's why I started this thread.

What about my DS? He loves his nanny, he has a genuinely good relationship with her. He brushes off her fussiness and idiocy and it simply doesn't bother him. Should I deprive him of that relationship?

You can't expect your DD not to care FFS. She is human and nobody wants to be criticised!

You just HAVE to stand up to her. You owe it to your DD.

I think you're burying your head in the sand here. You have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of this woman, and your are allowing her to do the same to your children. Your only solution is to toughen them up.
Grow some balls, stand up to your mother ffs.
And I'm sure you'll bite my head off like you have everyone else who's pointed out the truth, but seriously, take stock. You need to get this sorted.

How dansmommy?

I think perhaps you may be unrealistic in wanting your dd to be blase.

It could well be that yiur ds was able to brush off her idiocy and just shrug the comments off, perhaps though your dd is more like you and picks up on the hurt your mother causes you.

Oh I don't know, I am no psychologist. I would say to try and stand up to your mother and say 'stop it' in front of dd. Imagine your mother will be all weeping and wailing and make it all about her. But I think you should try - for yourself as well as your dd.

It's never too late to try and change things.

OK I appreciate that you don't want to cut your DC off from their grandmother, but if you are going to let her see them you have to say to her, after any nasty remark, 'That was a spiteful thing to say, please apologise.' and then say to to your DD 'Granny shouldn't say nasty things like that, should she? Let's not talk to her till she says sorry.' and leave the room with DD.
Call her on every single nasty remark, tell her to leave your house if/when necessary and not come back till she's in a better temper - basically treat her like a naughty toddler.

You need to talk to her and try to get her to agree not to do this. If she continues, she doesn't see your daughter. Can your ds still see her if you don't take your dd?

HB im sorry for you little girl. what a nasty piece of work your mil is.

NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER id be tempted to say to dd infront of mil ,....

... that sometime when people get old , their minds go and sometimes it make them do and say nasty things .

Explain its called senile dementia .
And that if granny keeps showing signs of it , you`ll have to be looking for an old age home to send her too.

But then again im a bitch.

Keep her away from her. Or tell her off, in front of your daughter, every time she does it.
Simply don't allow it. Would you allow her to hit your children? Because this is probably just as damaging.
If it has taken you over 40 years to deal with it, why should your child put up with it? How's your self esteem?

Actually I like the idea of making her apologise each time.

I haven't been such a wuss that I haven't stood up to her - I do tell her she's out of order and to shut up when she comes out with this crap btw, it's just that yesterday I wasn't actually in the room when it happened and DD was upset by it, when she normally isn't. And I haven't actually insisted on an apology each time, it hadn't occurred to me ( am obviously still conditioned) but I will do that if (when?) this happens again.

I agree with SGB's approach.

Just to add, I wouldn't allow your DS to put up with it just because he seems OK with it. It's a lot of pressure on a child.

And besides anything else, he shouldn't be taught that it's OK to be 'friends' with someone who bullies people, especially not his sister. You're either a nice person or you're not.

Yep, I like SGB's approach too. Am typing one-handed, sorry for slow posting!

Yes dansmommy you are right.

Just because HerB's son seems OK with it, doesn't mean he is happy with whatever she gets up to.

I would stick up for him as well if she says something out of line.

You really have got to challenge it every single time, if you won't cut her off. It is emotional abuse, and I am so very sorry that you bore the brunt of it. But please don't expect your daughter to be able to just brush it off. If anything, because she has been brought up in such a loving way by you, she is totally unprepared to deal or understand any of this stuff, and will just be banjaxed by it when it happens.

Have you ever been able to confront your mother over it? Could you call her bluff and atand up to her?

Ah well she's not horrible to him Dansmommy.

She's actually very rarely horrible to DD either - yesterday came out of the blue after a period where I thought she'd realised she couldn't do this anymore. It just made me think maybe she's about to go on the attack on my 8 year old and I need to head her off.

Yes totally agree - zero tolerance, and she needs to be told every time.

Every time, or it won't change.

And be prepared for fireworks, she sounds like the kind of person who will not take kindly to being told she is wrong.

Oh yes I confront her about every year BoF - yesterday was a shock because I thought I'd put a stop to this sort of thing.

Both the kids think nanny is mad, but they enjoy seeing her and usually get on with her.

I ahve sometimes wondered if it's less healthy to have a nanny you don't take seriously and consider bonkers, than not to see her at all. Am in two minds about it.

I would say to dd:

'You look absolutely fantastic.

Grandma loves you, but she can be a bit of a divot sometimes, & she has NO IDEA about clothes - she used to make me wear .

Next time she says anything so silly, just tell her it's very rude to make personal remarks'.

& then I'd have a word with mum & point out that if she keeps this up, her granddaughter will increasingly want nothing to do with her - which is presumably not the outcome she wants!

OK well thanks for all your help. I'm going to go with SGB's tack and explain that DD's feelings are important and she doesn't have the right to hurt them, so she has to apologise. I have already explained to DD that Nanny isn't right to say what she said and that not caring about other people's feelings is all part of her being mad, but I will tell her tomorrow that if nanny hurts her feelings again, she will be made to apologise so that she realises she shouldn't do it and might remember not to next time.

I really wonder what the balance is between managing someone like this in your life and getting rid altogether. The kids don't actually see their nanny that often - maybe every six weeks to two months or so - and when they do, her influence is heavily mitigated by my presence when she's here and both my brothers (who have both come to terms with her baleful influence) when they stay there. At what point do you say that is still too harmful long term?

Personally I dont think this evil spiteful toxic woman deserves to be a grandmother but that does not solve your problem.

I have just come in from babysitting my grandchildren and my little grandson of 6 came up on the couch next to me looking for a cuddle while he played his DS (and he got one and kisses too). That is what a grandmother is supposed to do IMO.

If you must tolerate this disgusting specimen of a female then I would follow SGB's advice - its sound and far less controversial than the advice I would prefer to offer.

HerB - you are there to protect your daughter - not to put her in the line of fire of this despicable woman. It is 100% emotional/mental abuse.