I feel like a sad old tart

[OlderAndMoreStupid]

I've been seeing someone for about a month. Last night after our fifth date, I slept with him. I knew I shouldn't have, it was against my better judgement and I had reservations about him. But it was amazingly intimate and now of course he doesn't want to see me again and I'm devastated. I know I'll get over it but I feel physically sick at the moment.

He told me I was too volatile and that he felt our temperaments clashed. Fair enough. But he slept with me knowing these things and that he wouldn't be seeing me again and knew I wasn't just looking for a fling. I'm in my early 50s and should know better. I feel used, stupid and betrayed. Please tell me it's never to late to learn - I'm crying now thinking of how he was holding me just this morning and telling me how beautiful I was. Even a text just now thanking me for a"wonderful intimate experience that he'll never forget" Thank God we used protection :(

Most of us have slept with people we know we shouldn't have. Personally, I think it's helpful to consider it a blessing in disguise that he's finished it as you could have wasted years trying to convince yourself that he was the right person.

What a creep, I'm not suprised you feel so used.
At least you've found out now rather than later, he could have strung you along for months until you really fell for him.

I hope he gets cock-rot, you'd think a man of that age would be past playing games.

We never stop learning, don't beat yourself up. Anyway, who says you 'shouldn't' have? If it felt right at the time, you enjoyed it. I know it was whilst thinking this was going somewhere though, and that's what hurts. I don't know how he has the cheek to text you thanks, what a wierd one. At least you didn't waste a year thinking he was a keeper. I know it still hurts though.

Treat yourself tonight, a film and some good wine and remember, we are all still learning. x

Thank you. Perfumed, that is a lovely idea. At this rate, I'll be learning till I'm 90. I ignored some vital signs too - he's had loads of girlfriends and nothing very long-term.
Blessing in disguise sounds good.

You aren't a sad old tart - you sound very nice. This guy is clearly a manipulative liar and try to think of it as better you found out at this stage.

By the way, the kind of men who play these games don't stop until they can't do it any more. I know because my BIL is one of them. When I have to meet his umpteenth girlfriend, I struggle to look them in the eye as I feel bad for the hurt he is likely to dish out.

Apparently his parents were both emotionally abusive - used to tell him he was an ugly little git and he said the fact that he'd had so many women proved them wrong. Red flag or what.

I feel better already getting it off my chest here. Thanks lovely MNers

You are not a sad old tart, he is a nasty old bastard. Don't beat yourself up about it - turn it into a positive and thank your lucky stars that you got away from him so soon.

You're not a sad old tart. He's a usery bollix, good job you found out before he had a chance to reel you in. Good for you!

This is not your fault, and also it's not to do with your age. I think it's reasonable to have sex with someone after the time frame you describe. It isn't your fault he turned out to be an arsehole - how could you have predicted something like that?

This is going to lower the tone completely - but was the sex good?! Or a total waste of your time?! Could you just take it (the experience) for 'one of those things'?

But apologies if you aren't ready for the above opinion yet.

Just think, if you hadn't slept with him now, it might have gone on for weeks and over Xmas. He'd still have dumped you, as it's his problem.

In fact, in another way, if you'd have slept with him on the first date, you might have discovered it sooner. Therefore, you could equally well be kicking yourself that you held out for five dates iyswim.

It's him who should be feeling bad!

He's the sad old tart (and a few other words besides). What a sad and sorry fuckwit.

He'll be back...and then you can take great pleasure in telling him to go fuck himself

BlooKanga, it was utterly amazing. And I haven't had sex for a very long time :(
Electra, I didn't sleep with him at the first opportunity did I? I think what hurts the most is the fact that he slept with me knowing that he'd be gone for good in the morning. I suppose I did sort of instigate it, by asking him back to my place, but he's just texted saying he should have resisted me and that he was weak.

Many, many people would have slept with him long before 5 dates, You are in no way a tart. It is a pity he turned out to be a git, but a good night of passion is a good thing and hopefully you will look back and remember that rather than the rubbish text.

Do you think you are giving out 'desperate to be in a relationship, not happy in own skin' vibes? Because if so, you will continue to attract the same type. Work on you self esteem and be kind to yourself

Text him back to say "ok well goodbye and good luck" and then NEVER contact him in any other way, do not read his texts etc. He is clearly enjoying feeling that you are sad and milking it. Sorry.

There is something in what you say PL. I've been OK on my own but the minute I get involved with anyone, I become riddled with anxiety.

And I just don't understand how a man can enjoy intimacy so much and not want to do it again.

In this case, I'd guess it's because he gets off more from the bit where he gets to be horrible to the person he's just slept with, than the actual sex.

So why do you get all anxious then?

'ooh yes, listen to theprovinciallady.

Berating yourself and being angry at yourself is not good - just keeps the cycle going. It like promising yourself that you will eat healthy then lapsing and, instead of thinking it was just a slip, you think' I can't do this, I am so weak willed'... Absoloutely the thing that will send yup piling into the cake tin.

It didn't pan out. But you were able to have a great night and enjoy intimacy. Just wasn't the right guy.
You are fine

I've been here too and was utterly devastated.

He later admitted it was a failing in him. He couldnt cope emotionally, and in other words a thrill of the chase thing. He'd see me until bored and move on.

It's very upsetting to know you've been used. I didnt understand how he'd have such a great time and not wish to do it again. And that's just it - I didn't understand. I never will because I don't think the same way.

Anyway, it's New Year coming up soon. A good time for reflection. Take some time for you. Treat yourself to a few new things, hair cut, pamper yourself a bit and acquire a bit of confidence. I've been here, felt shit, so I do know.

I look back and feel sorry for him. He won't ever find a rewarding relationship, just short term conquests. You will do better with someone else, you deserve better. Look after yourself

i think i would text back "you make my skin crawl, sorry but get out of me life"

otherwise he is hedging his bets to come back for more..

I like that pagwatch - that it just wasn't the right guy. Goingforit, sorry you had to go through the same thing! But you understand what happened and I suppose I'm beginning to as well.

I'm one of those women though who feels she gives a bit of herself to someone when she has sex and that's the hard part. But his loss I suppose.

Haven't read the thread apart from your first post, but all you have proved is that your judgement is spot on ( you had reservations about him) and that he can't cope with intimacy.

Have now read thread. Text back ... 'should have resisted you too, have just tested positive for chlamydia, sorry about that, Happy Christmas'.

No don't text that, it would be extremely childish.

Crabs would be MUCH better

A reply such as:-

'well, yes, the sex was rather weak, but never mind. Bye!' (as if you had misunderstood his words).

Or don't bother (he's not worth it - and he may text again and look like a prat).