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Original poster

I feel like a sad old tart

51 replies

OlderAndMoreStupid · 17/12/2010 14:13

I've been seeing someone for about a month. Last night after our fifth date, I slept with him. I knew I shouldn't have, it was against my better judgement and I had reservations about him. But it was amazingly intimate and now of course he doesn't want to see me again and I'm devastated. I know I'll get over it but I feel physically sick at the moment.

He told me I was too volatile and that he felt our temperaments clashed. Fair enough. But he slept with me knowing these things and that he wouldn't be seeing me again and knew I wasn't just looking for a fling. I'm in my early 50s and should know better. I feel used, stupid and betrayed. Please tell me it's never to late to learn - I'm crying now thinking of how he was holding me just this morning and telling me how beautiful I was. Even a text just now thanking me for a"wonderful intimate experience that he'll never forget" Thank God we used protection :(

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 17/12/2010 18:26

Come on, come on, lets think of a fantastic text for our poor op to send back. Its got to be scathing and searing and unbearably witty.

purplepeony · 17/12/2010 18:28

At what point between holding you this morning nad texting you later did he say he didn't want to see you any more?

SorrySad what a creep. he must have known his feelings all along and was just wanting a shag and now he can't keep up the pretence any more.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 17/12/2010 18:30

He does sound like an out and out tosser, so a blessed relief not to get caught up in anything with him really, oldtart Xmas Wink.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 18:30

'Yes, you did seem rather weak. Goodbye & good luck with that.'

Original poster
OlderAndMoreStupid · 17/12/2010 18:56

When I said goodbye to him at the station purple It was horrid, I had to walk home with my eyes all misted with tears. And the most horrid thing was how he hung around this morning for ages, instigating intimacy and everything again. I thought how lovely, he can't bear to leave me. And all along he just wanted to get as much sex as possible before he bailed.

OP posts:
walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 19:13

Sorry, xdidn't see your post when I did mine, deluded. Great minds, eh?

OAMS Sad.
But think of my nan's saying 'If he makes you cry, he's not worth the tears'.

Bouncingback · 17/12/2010 19:29

Love that saying walking, that's going to be my mantra.

Pathetic horrible man, after all these years he's still playing the old 'I've had a damaged child-hood' card..pathetic, and to use it as an excuse of mistreating other people!! just plain nasty. As horrible as you're feeling now, he's definitely a very mixed up individual and you are to good for him, which by the way he probably knows, hence the dumping, before you saw his true colours and dumped him. Now wait for the push me - pull metastasis to start, just so he can feed his ego a little more..the way to really get your own back is to ignore him..he won't like that one little bit.

You're not a tart, just a nice lady that went thinking that he had the same standards of treating people that you have. Before you carry on beating yourself up over this I can guarantee that you did absolutely nothing wrong, either with sleeping with him or how you have been with him on any dates. IT'S HIM

Bouncingback · 17/12/2010 19:31

sorry should say 'push-me pull-me'

deludedfool · 17/12/2010 19:34

OP, it is amazingly disappointing how someone can behave so intimately with you and say lovely things, and yet they can just switch from that instantly (like switching off a light switch). But, I have had years of experiencing someone like that, and it confused and upset me - for years. Better, after one month than being let down for years, OP.SadAngry At least he showed his true colours early.

Original poster
OlderAndMoreStupid · 17/12/2010 20:20

deluded, how awful that it went on for so long. I've had a lucky escape and when the pain lessens in a day or two I'll be glad. Thank you Bouncing, I do try to treat people well, even if I have a tendency of putting my faith in the wrong ones.

I suppose I would so love a man in my life that I didn't act on the signs that I saw from the beginning.

OP posts:
GreenButton · 17/12/2010 20:24

I used to live next to an tosser olympic sports coach who had an incredible sucession of ladies who over-nighted - not teenagers living it up, but well off (fancy new cars), professional looking, 30ish.

Thing is he was no looker, had a paunch, always had stubble (horrible, not designer), wore horrible tracky bottoms, and was smarmy.

More that once there would be another conquest sitting sobbing in her car, as I was leaving for work. I kept wanting to say to them - don't cry over him, he's just a smarmy tosser - but I never did.

OP you had a lucky escape, hold your head high and don't look back! Unluckily there are plenty of shits like him around.

HerBeatitude · 17/12/2010 21:30

I think a text back saying "OK, long term I wouldn't be compatible with a weak man anyway, so thanks for the shag and good luck for the future".

It reduces the wonderful intimacy to a meaningless shag - which is what he doesn't want it to be for you - he wants it to be something you break your heart about for weeks. Make it clear that it's taken less than 12 hours to move on. Then delete his number.

elastaelf · 17/12/2010 21:43

Been there. You are not an old tart, just unlucky. If it makes you feel better send him a witty 'fuck you' txt and then delete his number and move on.

Unfortunately there are an awful lot of blokes out there like this - just looking for a shag and happy to use the women they meet along the way.

I am also far too optimistic and trusting but after two years of being single and dating my crap detector is rapidly improving. Still get caught out occasionally though Blush

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 17/12/2010 21:47

Older - have I missed this? what did his last text from him to you say?

Am going to compose you a corker of a reply ...

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/12/2010 21:53

There is nothing wrong with having a shag with someone who is attractive and available. In fact, one of the best ways of building up your confidence and improving your knobber-radar is to have a few amicable but commitment free shags.
So please don';t think of yourself as a tart. Sex is fun (even when with someone who's a bit of a wally, sometimes). Being desperate for couplehood is unhealthy.
HB is absolutely right about letting him know, if he reappears, that it was an amusing/adequate shag and no big deal for you as he does sound like the type who gets his jollies from having women desperate to get him back.

Original poster
OlderAndMoreStupid · 18/12/2010 08:26

Feeling MUCH better today, thanks ladies. Amazing what a good night's sleep can do. Solid I'm thinking along those lines already - it was an amazing sexual experience and that's all. I didn't really like him out of bed but I did in. And in a way I do feel confident, and very sexy, and I want to do it again, but with someone else ideally!

I would like a relationship but I suppose sex without anything else can be rewarding. I'm 50+ FGS, been married and all that, maybe I should just have some fun for a while. Don't know, maybe I just need to and have a cold shower and stop thinking about how it made me feel. Question, can women have commitment-free sex and be happy about it?

Bitty, he's texted me a few times saying it was a wonderfully intimate experience and how gracious I am, blah blah. And good luck with the dating Elasta, glad your crap detector works some of the time :)

OP posts:
violethill · 18/12/2010 08:37

If you liked him in bed but not out, then one could argue that you used each other. Or alternatively, that neither of you used each other- you both made a choice for sex, while knowing you didn't actually want a relationship. It seems the only thing you wanted was more occasions of sex, whereas he was happy with just a one nighter . But tbh if you didn't like the man apart from between the sheets, you can't be breaking your heart over him

deludedfool · 18/12/2010 08:41

OP, were you married for a long time? Did you used to have commitment-free sex before this? I am sure SGB is right and that why not have some fun like this; I just wondered if you are someone who finds commitment-free sex easy? You don't have to do things which don't feel right for you. Not everyone wants the same kind of sex; it's not a weakness or failing.

deludedfool · 18/12/2010 09:02

OP, you had reservations, I see, about this brilliant man.

Do you think you have just learnt an uncomfortable lesson in life that a man (or a woman) can be quite supposedly 'interested and caring' in bed in sex, but they are like that just in the moment or to enable them to get what they want.

You have also discovered how nice it is to have good sex maybe again - and, more importantly, how nice it is to have someone be nice to you while you are having sex.

deludedfool · 18/12/2010 09:05

Do you think you are looking for a shagging partner? Or would you really like a relationship?

Original poster
OlderAndMoreStupid · 18/12/2010 09:27

Violet, the silly thing is, I'd almost decided on our date that I didn't like some things about him, he was winding me up and then somehow or other (something to do with the wine perhaps), he ended up at my house. Why did I do that? Anyway, you're right, I'm not heart-broken.

Deluded, I was married a long time and before that had a couple of very long-term relationships. Always been faithful, monogamous etc but did have a period of about a year between relationships (that was a long time ago) that I just had some "fun".

Now, maybe I need to re-evaluate what I'm looking for. I know it's probably not marriage or even co-habiting. I love male company, but not all the time, I love sex (much to my delight I've rediscovered this) but I also have high moral standards (once a Catholic always a Catholic type of thing). I don't have a great deal of time on my hands either - single parent of 10-year old and I work, although only part-time. What's the answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
OlderAndMoreStupid · 18/12/2010 09:34

Just re-read one of your posts Deluded - that struck a chord, it's wonderful when someone is really nice to you while you're having sex. And this one was.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 18/12/2010 22:02

Having lots of sex with different people is not incompatible with having high moral standards. The idea that having lots of sexual partners makes you a Bad Person is misogynistic bullshit - it's not how many people you have sex with, it's whether you treat them with kindness and courtesy or not. Sex with a willing and enthusiastic partner is a Good Thing.

MyBrilliantCareer · 19/12/2010 20:30

SGB has some good advice here. Don't make sex to be bigger than it is - sometimes it's just sex!

It's how you treat people that counts.

biryani · 19/12/2010 21:26

You are NOT a sad old tart. You have proved yourself to be restrained and dignified, and he has used you. You are not the first, and you definitely won't be the last-we've all been there!! What a bloody cheek he had to text you!! Who does he think he is-Casanova? Treat yourself to something nice and stop beating yourself up about this. I'd be tempted to text him back with something really mean though, just to spite him!