Why is eveyone blaming me - I know this is not my fault

[smallsadperson]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this due to obvious reasons. If you think you know who I am please don't out me.

I have been with DH for 16 years and he has always had a temper. 3 years ago he developed a degenerative back condition which means he does not get much sleep and developed clinical depression as a result of being unable to work. It also came to light recently that he was abused as a child by a teenager where he lived but he refuses to talk to me or anyone else about this. I was also abused as a child so I understand he might not want to talk to me about this but bottling it up is making everything slowly worse.

However, he has always had a temper so although it has been worse over the last few years it is also nothing new.

I am doing my masters at the moment which will enable me to get a better paid job to support us but the workload is immense and I am incredibly stressed about everything. We have 2 DC's and I also do most things for them. I also organise all our finances because DH ran up credit card debts last year without telling me and lied about how much housing benefit he was receiving into his bank because he was buying cannabis which he says helps with the pain and helps him to sleep. I forgave him for this because he was besides himself over what he had done and full of self loathing and remorse.

A couple of days ago he had a friend over and we had a phone call from Virgin asking if we wanted up upgrade our phone package. As the phone is in DP's name and he was speaking with the agent I asked him to get it in wiritng because money is quite tight at the moment and I get quite stressed trying to work it all out at the end of the month so anything extra needs careful consideration. However when he finally got off the phone he had already agreed to it. I said to him in front of his friend that he shouldn't have done it, that I am under enough stress as it is at the moment and that it isn't him who has to work out all our money at the end of the month. With that he phoned back and cancelled it then flew into a completw range calling me a stupid bitch a fucking twat and said if I didn't get out of his face he would headbut me. Apparently I had belittled him in front of his friend and made him look stupid, I should have waited until his friend was gone. I was crying and his friend did nothing. Maybe he was embarrased who knows but afterwards told DH that he shouldn't have spoke to me like that but I was in the wrong too and my reaction was OTT. He then asked another friend who said the same thing.

He had a GP appointment yesterday who knows about his anger issues as he is on a waiting list for anger management. I asked him to tell the GP what he had done to get some perspective and the fucking GP said that I should respect what DH is going through and shouldn't wind him up. So now DH thinks I am over reacting and I just want to scream and cry because I know that I am not. Why the fuck is everyone condoning his actions? What about what I am going through. No-one seems to care just how upset I am over this and I am crying now as I type this.

I can't talk to my friends about this, I wouldnt know where to start and I am due to meet with my personal tutor soon at uni which we are expected to do once a semester and I am terrified I will burst into tears and not be able to stop.

I might not get a chance to write back on here for a while but I am not a troll. I just wanted to write this down because I am starting to doubt myself. Oh and one of my major pieces of uni work is the role of social work and domestic violence. How fucking ironic. It seems I can help everyone but myself

Make an appointment with the same doctor and ask him if that is what he said. I cant see a doctor using the term "winding him up". When someone has depression they are at the centre of their own universe and the only person they are concerned about is themselves. He is being very selfish and doesn't deserve what you are trying to do for your family.

What do you see the outcome here as being?.

Why are you still with someone like this?. Do you think that anger management will make any difference at all to him. It won't, its the last thing he needs.

You've had many years of him and his temper; you really do not want or need another day of him and his violent threats and self medicating with cannabis (bet he did not mention that to his clueless GP), let alone another decade.

"I asked him to tell the GP what he had done to get some perspective and the fucking GP said that I should respect what DH is going through and shouldn't wind him up"

You did not attend this appt with your H did you?. The above is also a tactic that abusers use. Unless you were there I would not trust him to tell you what the GP said. How do you know he actually attended such an appt in the first place?. I also think the GP never actually said any such thing; these are your H's words to "justify" to himself what he is doing.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would appreciate an answer to that question.

Your children here are being taught damaging lessons by both of you on relationships and how these are conducted. They see and hear all this crap from their Dad and pick up on all the unpsoken tension between the two of you. Their house should be a sanctuary but it is not.

Your shame and embarrassment at being in such a situation should not actually prevent you from contacting Womens Aid. Talk to people, get this out in the open because abuse also thrives on secrecy.

The fact you are not telling your friends speaks volumes to me. It seems you wouldn't know where to start, but you managed it quite succinctly here. I think you don't want their honest opinion because you are not ready to hear another view. I also think his hash smoking has a lot to do with this.

I am so sorry, there is nothing worse than being blamed for stuff you didn't do. You must be so angry. I also doubt very much his GP said that. I personally wouldn't put up with it. He may be physically ill but there is no excuse for the abuse he heaped on you, especially when you are supporting the whole family.

Please think about telling friends/family how you feel.

I didn't attend the GP with him, but he has discussed everything with this GP, including the cannabis. Last time I went with him he was in there for 40 minutes talking about all his issues and the GP actually said stopping the cannabis would be more detrimental to him than carrying on with it . I think the GP's actual words were I should appreciate what he is going through or something along those lines and I do believe he is capable of telling DH this sadly. The winding him up phrase came from me though.

But in answer to your questions, I am scared for him if I leave. I don't know what he would do. He has not threatened suicide or anything but I personally think he is close to a break down. I have called Womens Aid once before but they just talked about refuges which I do not want nor do I think I should because there are shortages of rooms everywhere and there are others who need this more than me. DH goes through stages where he is great but he knows I hate his temper and will never accept it as normal despite him telling me I should just ignore him when he gets like this.

However, I don't want the DC's to think this is normal. I make life as normal for them as possible but obviously it isn't a harmonious house and I don't want them to repeat these patterns themselves in adult hood

I am feeling really sad for you. Your husband is a terrible role model for your children.

The way I see it, he is not working, he is not helping in the house, he is careless with money, he spends money on cannabis, he has anger problems.

Is there anything positive about him, or your relationship at all?

Would you manage on your own?
Are you renting and can you move?

SSP,

You are NOT responsible for this man. Look he won't kill himself if you leave him, these types of men do not do that. It is an empty threat. Such things are said to both frighten you and keep you in your place. Again this is a common tactic used by abusive men.

Re your comment:-
"I have called Womens Aid once before but they just talked about refuges which I do not want nor do I think I should because there are shortages of rooms everywhere and there are others who need this more than me. DH goes through stages where he is great but he knows I hate his temper and will never accept it as normal despite him telling me I should just ignore him when he gets like this".

Please call them again. Today.

You SO need their help, please do not think that your situation is somehow not worthy of their time and or attention. Your need is just as great. Why do you not want a refuge (shame, perceived embarrassment); you think being in a refuge is shameful?. It is not and it is not a sign of weakness. Your home situation is however truly shameful to you and your children who are also the unfortunate victims in all this.

Your man has done a bang up number on you to have you thinking the way you are now. He has conditioned you throughout your marriage to accept this.

You still though have a choice re your husband at the end of the day, your children do not.

"However, I don't want the DC's to think this is normal. I make life as normal for them as possible but obviously it isn't a harmonious house and I don't want them to repeat these patterns themselves in adult hood".

It is certainly not a harmonious home as you rightly point out. Their home and yours is about as far away from a sanctuary and a place where you feel safe as you can get.

You cannot protect them fully from the harsh realities of how he is abusing you here. Your children see and hear far more than you realise. They all too well know.

Many, many people have damaged childhoods where abuse has occured and they do not all end up acting like this man does. He chooses to act like this.

If you remain with this man also you run the risk of your children repeating the same damaging patterns in adulthood in their own relationships. You have stated that you do not want this for them. They also would not thank you for remaining with such an individual, they could well go onto despise you for staying with him and accuse you of putting him before them.

Women cannot fix men's pain by allowing themselves to be abused.

100% agree with Attila, none of this is your doing. Many would have walked for half, which just shows how big a number he has pulled.

There are a couple of people who already know. We lived in Scotland years ago before the DC's and I made 2 very good friends there, both of whom knew and were (still are) amazing. However we live back in our home town now and the friends I have here don't have a clue. I guess if I say it then it makes it more real if that makes sense. If they don't know I can keep plastering my happy face on and pretend to them and myself that everything is ok.

DH used to be lovely Quint, despite his temper. He used to be the type of person who would do anything for anyone and had lots of friends,but he has now distanced himself from most of his friends saying that he has nothing interesting to tell them. He hates going out because he has panic attacks so this self enforced isolation isn't helping either and I am at a loss of what to do for him. Part of me hopes all this increased anger is part of his condition and that once he gets his counselling then things will improve. He does help around the house still, but not as much as he used to, I guess understandably. But his anger and moods are what I can't cope with and nor should the DC's have to either.

Attila is speaking a lot of sense.
Are your dc very young? Or are they picking up on his behaviour already?

And did they hear/witness him threatening to headbutt you?

"But in answer to your questions, I am scared for him if I leave. I don't know what he would do."

Thing is, is HE scared for himself if you leave? He bloody well ought to be.

Does HE know what he would do if he carries on like this, and pisses you off enough to doe the absolutely right thing of telling him to sort his own life out. Again, he needs to be ready, cos he seems awfully close to finding out.

OK so he has a back condition. I have a friend with similar, she can manage working part time only. It renders her in agony, she has been in pain since she was 14. Staying off work is more detrimental to her health.

Your H is not contributing anything to this relationship or the family at large.

You are supporting him and running about trying to make ends meet, child care etc and he just sits there and lies about money, runs up debt and gets you into more trouble, without any way of actually putting this right himself.

Buying drugs, lying about them and feeding you a pack of shite about the Dr telling you to support him more. I'll bet DOUBLE what this manchild has run up that he never even mentioned it to the Doc.

He is a proven liar, with reason to manipulate and twist things so he looks better. He has no right to this status he has carved himself.

He ought to be worshipping the ground you walk on for what you are putting up with.

You are carrying the family, and he is making it harder, not better. Until he is actually contributing, even emotionally for example to be a brilliant House Husband for example, then he needs to STFU.

Remind him that whatever he wishes to use as an excuse for rage, for not doing anything to help, or for actually running the family further off the road, it is never, ever acceptable for him to call you names or rant at you.

Tell him the next time he opens his mouth in that vein then he better get his coat and hat, cos you will be packing his bags.

Seriously, he is making excuses to be a twunt. If you can't actually contribute in financial terms, you do so in others. You do NOT make matters worse by lying and running up debt.

My dear friend treats people with respect and honour and holds down work and stuff. her back was broken, she is in constant agony, has had countless ops, all unsuccessful. She manages to be a nice and wonderful friend.

The thing is Attila that despite some pretty horrendous threats, and nasty verbal attacks, he has never actually laid a finger on me (though he did push me over once years ago)and I would not want to deprive someone in physical danger of a place. I am also not strong enough to cope with it at the moment, I am close to tears ALL the time and am working on my masters so hard - I just want to finish my masters (I finish in 6 months) and then decide what to do then. He has not threatened suicide - this is entirely my own opinion but I do believe he might and that terrifies me. Despite how he is the DC's adore him, but yes they do pick up on the tension and how short tempered he is. My son who is 10 has started saying things like "don't say anything to him mum, you know if you do he will just shout at you" and this breaks my heart, it really does. How did things come to this?

Oh, and I came from an abusive home too and I do not behave like this and never would so I know this is not an excuse for him.

Your thread title says "why is everyone blaming me". Who is 'everyone'? You have only mentioned (what DH says) the doctor said.

He has certainly done a bang up job on you. Your name is apt unfortunately and you will remain a small sad person whilts you remain with him. You end up further damaged and so do your children. Such men anyway can take years to recover from.

Re this comment
"Part of me hopes all this increased anger is part of his condition and that once he gets his counselling then things will improve".

A true triumph of hope over experience if you think that and also shows how conditioned you have become by him. I will be very patient with you now and tell you it won't get better for you. Infact his abuse meted out may further escalate as a result; anger management is of no use at all for abusive men. It can help them further justify the abuse in their own mind.

"He does help around the house still, but not as much as he used to, I guess understandably".

You are basically now a single parent and would be better off without his malign, parasitic and abusive presence in your daily life.

"But his anger and moods are what I can't cope with and nor should the DC's have to either.

No the DC should not have to put up with this. But you're currently showing them that what is happening here is "acceptable" to you.

You need to get angry and take firm steps to have him removed from your home and day to day life by divorcing him asap. He will end up destroying you all.

No Quint thank god - they were both at school. I have 2 Ds's - 8 and 10. I had to go and pick them up afterwards with red eyes - thank god for cold weather and hooded coats.

Littlemiss - I know you are right in everything you say. I have tried the getting your coat thing in the past but he tells me I should get my coat if thats what I want. I can't ever win. He SAYS he worships the ground I walk on, adores me etc etc but then when he is on one of his rages / moods he acts like he hates me. He says that swearing is just a part of him and I should know to ignore it by now. I have always told him that I will never accept him swearing at me or around the DC's - ever but he thinks that I should know he doesn't mean it. Your friend sounds amazing by the way

Senua - everyone includes his friends too who all think I need to take some blame in this for "going on at him". One in particular says he speaks to his wife like this too which DH reminds me of all the time when he has been horrendous to me, like it is almost normal - well I know it doesn't make it right.

I know Attila. Everything you say is spot on. I am terrified for the future - I know I am going to have to deal with this soon and the thought of it makes me feel ill.

Is there anyone he could go and stay with for a few days? Maybe the friend who was so concerned for him ? I really don't see why you should have to move into a refuge if you don't want to.

It's possible the GP is afraid of him too. But also, if someone is sitting in your office saying 'my wife screamed at me in front of my friend, I am so depressed because I am not contributing financially, she humiliated me' the person opposite is going to sympathise. I do not think it is your fault AT ALL but that is the reality of a 1:1 medical relationship. How I remember my dh returning from seeing a psychiatrist looking all cheerful and saying that the psychiatrist had said that he, dh, must not do any night care for our child as he needed regular sleep. I wanted to punch him, the psychiatrist AND myself at that point because I felt so excluded and ignored from that medical relationship.

Has the GP referred him to a psychiatrist, or to the community mental health team? I say this a lot on here but a good CPN is a godsend, he could do a lot worse than start to see one. Also he could ring Mind and see if there is any local provision - round here there is a pretty good organisation that is focused on helping people with mental health problems achieve getting back to work or at least into purposeful activity. He needs to do it though. Could you do an email to the GP giving him all the info above and asking him to see your husband again and consider referring him for specialist support? I would bet that you are hearing a selection of what's going on in the consulting room.

How old are your children - what about Homestart? Could they at least give you 2 hours a week to go and do some work or stare into space?

Go and cry all over the personal tutor, why not? There is help for you out there and that person may be able . Are you afraid if you once let go, you will not be able to gather it all back in again? Don't be afraid, you are stronger than you think, you feel like jelly but in fact you are reinforced climbing rope, you will stretch and rebound. Very best wishes.

OK xpost- they are too old for Homestart. What about some family input? Could your children go and stay with your dad/sister/cousin for a couple of days, preferably while your husband is also out of the house? It sounds like you could do with some space to collapse?

"I have tried the getting your coat thing in the past but he tells me I should get my coat if thats what I want."
"He says that swearing is just a part of him and I should know to ignore it by now."

It's all on his terms, isn't it?

"He SAYS he worships the ground I walk on"

Those are your capitals. You don't believe him though. What does he DO to SHOW that he worships you? Talk is cheap. If he really worshipped you then he wouldn't carry on swearing at you when you asked him not to.

I know that you don't want to take up a place at a refuge because you don't think that you deserve it but don't you think that your DC deserve it (low blow)

He is basically demanding you accept every inch of who he is, because he wont change. No matter how much you dislike something he does, you will just have to learn to accept it. That is his attitude. You are worthless to him. Saying that he adores you and worships you is just words. As easy to say for him as Fuck, or Headbutt, for that matter.

He has told you he wont leave, you will have to.

Do you own your home?
Do you rent? Whose name is the lease on? Who pays the rent?

You are a strong and capable woman. Dont worry about taking up a place in a refuge, I have a feeling you wont be long there. You will be back up on your feet soon. Find a nice place to rent for yourself and your children. Imagine how much more time and focus you will find on your studies if you have space and quiet in the day, and not have your husband and his layabout friends around in the day!

OK, then so this swearing is just part of him.

Think you need to give him a decent dose of his own medicine. Start calling HIM a TWAT, cos that is exactly what he is.

TELL HIM that you are the carer for his DC and as such YOU will seek a possession order if you have to. YOU will NOT have this. Seriously pack his bags and put them outside the door. he is calling your bluff and reckoning you will back down.

His rage is a hobby. he can control it but doesn't WANT to.

Sooner you realise that he actually GETS OFF on treating you like shit the better.

SSP

re your comment:-

"The thing is Attila that despite some pretty horrendous threats, and nasty verbal attacks, he has never actually laid a finger on me (though he did push me over once years ago)and I would not want to deprive someone in physical danger of a place.

Do not use that excuse of denying someone else a place to get to a place of safety. Your home is not a place of safety. He has been previously violent towards you, once incident is one too many. A shove is a shove. There was no justification at all for him doing that to you.

"I am also not strong enough to cope with it at the moment, I am close to tears ALL the time and am working on my masters so hard - I just want to finish my masters (I finish in 6 months) and then decide what to do then. He has not threatened suicide - this is entirely my own opinion but I do believe he might and that terrifies me. Despite how he is the DC's adore him, but yes they do pick up on the tension and how short tempered he is. My son who is 10 has started saying things like "don't say anything to him mum, you know if you do he will just shout at you" and this breaks my heart, it really does. How did things come to this?"

This is also because you yourself came from a damaged home where this type of abuse or very similar went on. He uses your weakness against you. You grew up with abuse; it is not altogether surprising that you are now in an abusive marriage yourself.

Finishing your Masters may not actually put you in a position where you can decide anything. You can't now so it won't be any different in six months time. I don't think you will finish your Masters at all because you are in no fit state currently to continue with it and in the meantime he will emotionally destroy you (and you'll end up with a nervous breakdown) long before that six months is up. He has already damaged you and your children immensely here. He won't kill himself; such absuive men are too cowardly to actually do such a thing. You are still NOT responsible for him.

Your ten year old is very perceptive. I sincerely hope that you find the strength within you to break free of the abuse prison you find yourselves in.

One generation i.e you has already been profoundly affected by abuse. Another generation i.e your children being left with an abusive childhood is no legacy to leave them. How would you feel if your two went onto treat their spouses abusively like your man is towards you?. They are learning from you both here; both of you are imparting damaging lessons to these two children. They neither need or warrant this in their young lives and they will learn from this.

He has all the power and control currently; reclaim your life back before he destroys you completely.

If you are so worried about what others think then why are you waiting until the end of your Masters? If you wait until then he will be able to spin a story along the lines of "I supported her all through her studies but now she has better prospects she has walked out on me and our marriage"

Can the Uni help with accommodation?

Maktaitai - you have captured exactly how I felt regarding the GP and I do feel this is exactly what has happenned. He has been referred to the community mental health team but the appointment has not yet come through. DH says he has chased them because he had an appointment a few weeks ago which got cancelled from their end and has not yet been rescheduled. I don't think I believe he has chased it

He used to work over 60 hours a week and loved his job. There is no chance he can go back to it as it was a physical role, but he just has no structure to his life and this is a major problem I feel. I have tried explaining this to him but he says he needs to try to sleep which he does most of the time

My children are 8 and 10 so probably out of the age range of homestart and anyway - they keep me sane. DH would hate it if I got them involved anyway and it would possibly make things worse.

Thank you for your kind words and to everyone else who has posted on this thread. I actually feel worse for talking about it - like it is more real now, but this is something I am going to have to address sooner rather than later. I need some time to lick my wounds and immerse myself in my work for a bit, but I will try to come back later if DH is not around.

"I know I am going to have to deal with this soon and the thought of it makes me feel ill".

And with regards to what is happening to you and your children already, does not make you feel ill?. Do you not think that somehow you and they deserve a better existance than the pitiful one they are being subjected to now.

This man can control his temper and he chooses to give all his abuse to you. He likes making you unhappy; he enjoys abusing you.

Better to bite the bullet now and start the process of having him removed from your home. Employ legal means, get outside help from Womens Aid, your personal tutor and a Solicitor. Its not too late, its never too late.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.