Why is eveyone blaming me - I know this is not my fault

[smallsadperson]

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this due to obvious reasons. If you think you know who I am please don't out me.

I have been with DH for 16 years and he has always had a temper. 3 years ago he developed a degenerative back condition which means he does not get much sleep and developed clinical depression as a result of being unable to work. It also came to light recently that he was abused as a child by a teenager where he lived but he refuses to talk to me or anyone else about this. I was also abused as a child so I understand he might not want to talk to me about this but bottling it up is making everything slowly worse.

However, he has always had a temper so although it has been worse over the last few years it is also nothing new.

I am doing my masters at the moment which will enable me to get a better paid job to support us but the workload is immense and I am incredibly stressed about everything. We have 2 DC's and I also do most things for them. I also organise all our finances because DH ran up credit card debts last year without telling me and lied about how much housing benefit he was receiving into his bank because he was buying cannabis which he says helps with the pain and helps him to sleep. I forgave him for this because he was besides himself over what he had done and full of self loathing and remorse.

A couple of days ago he had a friend over and we had a phone call from Virgin asking if we wanted up upgrade our phone package. As the phone is in DP's name and he was speaking with the agent I asked him to get it in wiritng because money is quite tight at the moment and I get quite stressed trying to work it all out at the end of the month so anything extra needs careful consideration. However when he finally got off the phone he had already agreed to it. I said to him in front of his friend that he shouldn't have done it, that I am under enough stress as it is at the moment and that it isn't him who has to work out all our money at the end of the month. With that he phoned back and cancelled it then flew into a completw range calling me a stupid bitch a fucking twat and said if I didn't get out of his face he would headbut me. Apparently I had belittled him in front of his friend and made him look stupid, I should have waited until his friend was gone. I was crying and his friend did nothing. Maybe he was embarrased who knows but afterwards told DH that he shouldn't have spoke to me like that but I was in the wrong too and my reaction was OTT. He then asked another friend who said the same thing.

He had a GP appointment yesterday who knows about his anger issues as he is on a waiting list for anger management. I asked him to tell the GP what he had done to get some perspective and the fucking GP said that I should respect what DH is going through and shouldn't wind him up. So now DH thinks I am over reacting and I just want to scream and cry because I know that I am not. Why the fuck is everyone condoning his actions? What about what I am going through. No-one seems to care just how upset I am over this and I am crying now as I type this.

I can't talk to my friends about this, I wouldnt know where to start and I am due to meet with my personal tutor soon at uni which we are expected to do once a semester and I am terrified I will burst into tears and not be able to stop.

I might not get a chance to write back on here for a while but I am not a troll. I just wanted to write this down because I am starting to doubt myself. Oh and one of my major pieces of uni work is the role of social work and domestic violence. How fucking ironic. It seems I can help everyone but myself

SSD, it sounds as though when he gets angry it's invariably your fault.I think your husband will always blame you because that is how he functions. It is beyond logic and will not go away even if the depression is successfully treated.

Please please confide in someone in RL because you need the release that comes from talking about it and some emotional support. You need to hear the truth from people who know you-namely that you are not to blame and you are being treated very badly, because your DH seems to have eroded your self-esteem and sense of worth to the point that deep down you really aren't sure whether or not to believe it.

"Senua - everyone includes his friends too who all think I need to take some blame in this for "going on at him". One in particular says he speaks to his wife like this too which DH reminds me of all the time when he has been horrendous to me, like it is almost normal - well I know it doesn't make it right."

WHO TOLD YOU THIS? the person he is quoting himself or your H.

My 'H' lies all the time. He will lie about anything and everything if it gets to ram home the point he wants to make. he has said to me that all his friends think I'm awful, that they don't know why he is with me etc etc. But they don't even know me and wouldn't have any reason to say that. However all MY friends and family that know him or know of him say to me that he is awful and that they don't know how I put up with it, even if I do only have a few weeks of him left to bear. He makes me look bad by lying about me. He can't do it otherwise. I can make him look bad by merely telling the truth. I have lied about him and his way for years to make him look acceptable. Not any more.

Don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.

Actions not words. Repeat it to him broken record stylee....

Also, if you speak to your tutor about your situation, not only may he/she be able to help, but may show lenience in case you wont be able to complete your masters in time. (I agree with Attila, you may not be able to complete with all this shit going on in your life)

Please enlist all the help you can get, and get away from your husband and his no-good friends.
He wont change, he surrounds himself with shit mates, and see this behaviour as normal.

The next time he brings up this mate of his, tell him you will call this guy's wife too and tell her to kick him out,because she too is being abused and needs to get rid.

Your H is full of shit.

He does not worship you smallandsad. He hates you becauce you are a good and strong woman who is single handedly raising kids, doing a masters and keeping the family afloat financially. He is a leech, a user, an abuser.

Why wait six months until the masters is completed? You could be dead by then, and I am not trying to be shocking. Start your life now, afresh, and doing the best for your kids. Kick this useless excuse of a man out of your home, that you pay for. He will survive, his sort always do.

OP - you don't need a man like this. Does he enrich yours and your children's lives?

LittleMissHoHoHoFit - it sounds like you've been through hell too. Why do you only have to put up with your DH for a short while longer?

small you need to talk to someoone in real life - your tutor, can s/he refer you to college counsellor? might be quicker than GP route.

you need to see a solicitor to talk through separation issues/who owns what/what finances he has/you have etc.

i had a not dissimilar situation - exP got stressed/depressed. more and more angry at everything/life, i trod on eggshells, he began talking in 2005 about "life not worth living", pushed me couple times etc....2007 he exploded literally, attacking me and my ds(who is autistic)...short story - got him to leave to his family - he came back to "visit the DC" at xmas 2007 on basis he would stay for 2 weeks...then refussed to leave and in in early 2008 i was in v similar position to you - with him blaming me for everything, GP "colluding" etc...so finally lightbulb moment - i talked to woemns aid etc, people were saying to me refuge - but i ahd a job/income so i did up and leave with DC to rented accomodation in april 2008.

it hasnt been the end of the story - it has been a long road to get distance emotionally - he is, currently, back in v depressed phase and anxiety (have had to cut contact with children - again).

but as was said - it is not my responsibility.

that is something to repeat like mantra - his issues are his responsibility.

his mental health is his responsibility.

if he makes the choice to kill himself - his responsibility and nothing you can do can change that - (the nhumber of times i have planned his post-suicide funeral in my head...)

but far better he does it while you and DC have made another life elsewhere.

my Dc are relaxed, happy - took a while - but over time they have settled so much and our place is a haven of peace...

his anger /depression has continued - it was nothing to do with me however much he makes it out to be so. he thought he was entitled to use it on me...

think practically: where could you go? could you rent?

could he go elsewhere? family/friends - even say to him at least for now...give you some breathing space...

at 8 and 10 your DC are seeing and hearing stuff - my DD was 8 when we left and she was far more affected as she understood and saw so much more than youngest who was 5 .

(oldest ahs leanring disabilities so is different matter - but also has settled wwell)

your repsonsibility is to you and to your DC - because you alredy do most things for them (as i did) and this home is not good...yes it is hard to realise but realise you must. speak to RL friends, get support, think practically how you can move out or how to get him out of your house...

thing is you cannot be responsible for his MH. it is up to him. it sounds cruel to cut someone out of your life when they down - but when they been aggresive/bullying/blaming (and violent) towards you is only way .

if you leave he may or may not get the help he needs - but while he making your life a misery you have to set boundaries. he goes or you go . for the sake of your DC.

you say "he has always had a temper". whatever has triggered the depression, however bad his back - you done your bit of trying to support him. no more.

I would guess though that it would be better for you to leave. Would it not be a nightmare trying to get him to leave - is he not in the house all the time.
And I'm sure he will be at your door wherever you are trying to get you back etc etc.
I think you should go and see a lawyer asap and at least chat about your options - it would maybe allow you to make a plan in your head and that might ease the pressure a bit - knowing that you are taking baby steps to start afresh soon.

oh and "He SAYS he worships the ground I walk on, adores me etc etc but then when he is on one of his rages / moods he acts like he hates me" - yep that is how it was - exP told everyne how wonderful i was - yet at home it was constant criticism...

i think a classic was we hadbeen to stay with his cousin. i had some run ins with his cousin due to Ds's needs, anyway afterwards exP told me how his cousin said i was "cold and unfeeling" and his cousin didnt like me. but exP said that of course he did still love me, despite all this.

it was pretty classic stuff... exP was the only one who would ever love me obviously...

ps the lundy bancroft book why does he do that is v helpful in explaining how MH/depression etc does not excuse abusive behaviours
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292500325&sr=8-1

Attila (sorry to hijack) do you have any experience of someone abusive rewriting history and making themselves/telling people that they are the victim?

deluded - my ex is a victim in his eyes

and in his Gp's eyes (letter to court hearing presented by exP from his GP making escuses for him...)

Oh yes - BIL thinks he is a victim.

My friend's abusive H also thinks he is a victim. He too has mental health issues and is using that her as well to justify his abusive treatment of her. My poor friend has finally woken up to that unpalatable fact.

smallsad, ring the community mental health team. You don't have to wait for him to chase. You can ring his GP. You can do any of these things. I know you have enough to do, but I think this is too important to leave to him. They shouldn't tell you anything about him, but they should listen to what you say, and take action accordingly if they see fit. An awful lot of referral letters go missing somehow, and I say this as a former GP's secretary. If they haven't received a referral, ring the GP's secretary and ask them about it - it should be easy enough to bung off another copy.

I'm looking at this from the point of view that this man is a normal human being with an abnormal illness. You absolutely shouldn't put up with bad treatment just because he is ill, just as you shouldn't with any normal human being. In particular, because you will end up hating him, if you don't already, and whether or not you stay together, you will always be parents together and it is nightmarish to hate your co-parent.

And that means you need support. You really do need to tell your tutor. Not telling anyone is IMO a mistake. Telling everybody in the neighbourhood everything is probably also a mistake (one I've been guilty of ). Can I ask you to ring Rethink, along with all the other phone calls I'm asking you to make? They really are a good lot and just talking to someone who knows what living with a person with a mental health problem is like can be balm to the soul. In the past they have been able to send out a counsellor to meet me at work just so that I had someone to talk to who knew exactly what kind of mirror world I was living in. It sounds utterly bizarre to other people, and the course of action seems obvious ('well just tell him you DO need the shower curtain, and move the sofa back where YOU want it to be if he's moved it into the middle of the kitchen') but it's not usually that simple.

God this is an essay. I'll carry on anyway. DH has finally given up on his previous, stressful career, but it has been like a bereavement to him to do so. I think it can be easy to underestimate what this does to someone, especially someone who has been brought up to be driven and ambitious (dh went to boarding school aged 7 ). The brutal truth is that, even if he could hack it then, he is now almost allergic to stress and he can't hack it now. And tbh even then he had irregular breakdowns and time off work, plus he spent every weekend in bed, all weekend.

I sound like I'm trying to argue his side too. I'm not. I'm posting on the basis that you would like to stay together, but actually you don't have to. And you certainly do not have to put up with him shouting at you and behaving like a twat. If his 'friends' don't see that, they are idiots and not worth your time.

I really hope you ask for some help smallandsad, you sound like you are on the verge of a breakdown, and who could blame you x

Hi smallsadperson

Just wanted to add that while I have been abused as a child, and I have depression and anxiety, I would never, ever speak to my dh they way your dh spoke to you, let alone threaten to headbut him.

He was being the big man by, 1) saying of course I will have that lovely new package, thanks, 2) realised he had been a twat and cancelled it and the decided 3) how dare I be a twat in front of my mates, I'll have to blame someone else for it.

I hate that 'don't disagree with me or I'll slap you' attitude. It basically means if you pull me up for being an arsehole I can't handle it. My ex used to do this.

I would try and replay it back to him, calmly, the next time he disagrees with you, or pulls you up on something. Say - 'don't say that or I'll headbut you. What? I thought that was perfectly acceptable adult behaviour, is it not?'

Bliemy I'm glad I've got dh.

maktaitai - in my experience - you can ring the CMHT/GP all you like, and you can pass on info to them - but it will have limited impact. in the end - only the adult with the issues can do anything about them - if they want to. but if he is coming back from GP with "it is all your fault and even the GP says so" attiude then nothing will change...

Rethink (if they operate in the area) is a good idea - and any other counselling directy for the op.

but also womens aid and other such helplines to talk thru specific incidents such as the swearing/anger and threats of violence "i will headbutt you"...

it is getting a grip on what is selfishness related to depressive illness and how to manage that - boundary setting / straightforward ultimatums that you will follow thru "that behaviour is intolerable and you do that again and you will have to live elsewhere and deal with your issues on your own" etc - and what is just downright abusive behaviour (swearing, threatening) because he feels entitled...

" flew into a completw range calling me a stupid bitch a fucking twat and said if I didn't get out of his face he would headbut me"

I would normally err on the side of making allowances for someone with depression and/or a painful chronic condition, because I know how these things can make someone act out of character. But this is not ever OK. Never any excuse for using vile, misogynistic words like that towards your partner, never mind threatening violence. You are not overreacting, his behaviour is abusive and you do not have to be subjected to that in your own home.

whats a troll?

Sorry for not coming back until now - I had to go out and then Dh was around so I didn't want to run the risk of being seen typing this.

I am going to call one of my RL friends who already knows - I spoke with her briefly after what happenned a few days ago and she knows the full history. I was seeing a counsellor at uni last year - about the childhood abuse and also about DH but I don't have the time to go now. My workload is too big. However I am still unsure about talking to RL friends here - where would I start? This is not something you drop into conversation over coffee. Regarding my personal tutor - I am still undecided about this though I do fear I will probably just end up crying anyway so it might all come out if I can't hold it together.

Cest la Vie - your story gives me hope that I can do something about this. I know I am not responsible for his Mental Health deep down but I do sometimes feel guilty that if I left I would take everything that is good away from him and make him worse. I know I have to think about myself too but it is hard not to worry about this sometimes. It sounds like you know all too well what it is like when someone like a GP makes excuses for appalling behaviour and it does occasionally make me soubt myself.

I would love to get involved Mak and contact the mental health services because I only have his word for it that something is being done and don't think he is being proactive enough. He already thinks talking about his problems will be a waste of time so this is why I don't believe he is chasing it. I would not want it to come to light that I had done this though and because I can't guarantee this I have to just wait and keep talking him (unsuccesfully) into chasing all the agencies involved.

From this thread there are so many of us who are either in or have been in abusive relationships and that makes me incredibly sad

Almond - why are you mentioning the troll word. I am not a troll but have changed my name because this thread is too personal. I remember mad table cloth lady, the grapes thread, Shineys penguingate, mouldies, and lots more. I can assure you I have been on MN for years

Well tbh, I don´t think that you should have mentioned in front of his friend.

That said, his behaviour was absolutely unforgivable & I think that you should be getting out for yourown safety & sanity.

Op you may not want to hear this but you need to leave this man. Dv, cannabis use alone are enough. He has also emotionally blackmailed you re making you feel responsible for his wellbeing.

If he really thinks "talking about his problems will be a waste of time" then the counselling is not going to be much use, is it? It's a bit of a self-fulfilling thing, if someone doesn't respect the counsellor and doesn't build up a relationship of trust, then they won't get what they could from the process.

As others have said, you are not responsible for his mental health.