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Original poster

Tell me about the 'Two Year Rule'

72 replies

RockinSockBunnies · 15/12/2010 11:23

Just reading another thread and the 'Two Year Rule' has been mentioned. Basically, it seems to boil down to the fact that if, after two years together, you're not engaged or married, then you (almost certainly) never will be with that individual.

I know married couples who have bucked this rule (gotten engaged/married after five/six/seven years together) but then, being the slightly neurotic individual that I am, have begun worrying about this with DP. We've been together for a year, have discussed marriage and children, we live together, have a joint account etc. Obviously I'm jumping the gun slightly since there's another year til I need to panic.

But....how true do you think the two year rule is? If you are married/engaged, when did this happen in your relationship?

Stories please Smile

OP posts:
FrostyAndSlippery · 15/12/2010 11:28

What rubbish.

FWIW DH and I got engaged quite quickly. But I was young and after a while I confessed it was too soon, even though I knew beyond all doubt that I wanted to be with him forever.

We had been together about four years when we had our planned DD, then got married when she was 17m and had DS 10m later.

Basically DH is older and having been married/had kids before he was ready instantly. I was only 16 when we started dating. Getting married was scarier than having babies - walking down the aisle in front of people was the scary bit, not the commitment.

Been 8 years TODAY since our first date and we are very happy!

madonnawhore · 15/12/2010 11:30

I always ignore any 'rules' imposed on relationships. How can you possibly legislate for two individuals' circumstances, desires, emotions, wants, needs, etc??

Screw rules!

MistletoeMinnie · 15/12/2010 11:32

Rubbish rule. Most of my friends were with their partners for 5 years + before they got married.

I think your age comes into it more than anything. If you meet someone when you're 21, you're not likely to marry them straight away. If you meet them at 32, you might be more inclined.

booyhohoho · 15/12/2010 11:32

rubbish. each relationship is a s individual as the people in it. you would be mad to make any decision about yoru relationship based on a silly rule made up by a lazy cosmo editor just to fill her pages.

LuluLozenge · 15/12/2010 11:37

Rubbish. I've been with my partner for six years, we may get married at some point. We're very happy together.

Don't let other people or made-up 'rules' dictate the pace of your relationship. One of the nicest parts of being with someone you love is finding your own way together.

femalevictormeldrew · 15/12/2010 11:40

Excuse my french but what a load of dung. We were 7 years together before we married. Don't heed rubbish like that - set your own trend

RitaLynn · 15/12/2010 11:46

I'd second (or third it) this being largely poppycock. I'll add the caveat that as you add, the time to get married is more likely to be reduced (you're more ready to settle down, and you're more likely to know whether a man is a keeper at 30 than you do at 20)

RitaLynn · 15/12/2010 11:47

That should be "i'll add the caveat that as you get older"

Taghain · 15/12/2010 11:48

There's some truth in it.
Forget the engagement or marriage bit, if you're not ready to commit in some ways (move in together, say ILY etc) then it's unlikely to happen.

So if you're living together & have discussed children, that's great. You have commitment. And if you have a joint bank account, then you trust each other too and must have maturely discussed money.
Smiles all the way.

bumpybecky · 15/12/2010 11:48

rubbish

we got together (for the second time) in spring 1994, were living together after about 9 months, had dd1 in 1998, dd2 in 2000, got married March 2001 and we're still together now (with two more dc!)

jonesybells · 15/12/2010 11:49

ahem...

load of bollocks

as you were.

Merry Christmas

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 11:50

I can't say I've heard of the Two Year Rule - are you sure it wasn't just meant to mean if you aren't in a committed relationship after 2 years, its not going to happen? Rather than being officially engaged/married? After all, plenty of people are "engaged" without any actual intention of planning a wedding, why would that "count" under the rule, when other relationships where they didn't make any claim to be "engaged" would be out?

I reckon the committment to each other is the important factor in whether you're in an ongoing relationship or just "going out" with the other person - so things like living together, sharing the bills, etc are the things which measure whether you are both in this for the long haul or not.

Rhian82 · 15/12/2010 11:50

Remember that plenty of people spend their whole lives together without getting married. It's not essential.

Original poster
RockinSockBunnies · 15/12/2010 11:56

Thank you for reassurance! There definitely is a 'Two Year Rule' - I recall reading it in various magazines (so, clearly Gospel Truth!).

I suppose that whilst living together, joint account etc is all very nice, for me, marriage is a major committment to solely the other person. Having children together is a committment to being a family - marriage is a committment to loving that one person (IMO).

I also think I am way too influenced by Disney films and the concept of 'Happy Ever After'!

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 15/12/2010 12:01

That is a rubbish rule in my view. However, if you want something that is true, there is evidence to suggest that a marriage is most likely to last if it takes place around 3 years into a relationship.

The explanation is thought to be that if you marry before then you are still in the initial rush of a new relationship and may find that you have little in common with each other when the rush dies. On the other hand couples who marry longer than 3 years into a relationship are often doing so because their relationship is in trouble and they think that marrying will somehow paper over the cracks.

I still wouldn't regard that as an absolute rule, though. Whilst marriages around the 3 year mark stand a better chance of success many still fail, and many earlier and later marriages succeed.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 15/12/2010 12:02

I think it's from that book - "The Rules". (Often disregarded on mumsnet anyway!) Something very similar is on their website, I can't be bothered to look for the exact page right now.

Anyway I think it's mad. Two years seems a ridiculously short time to know/be with someone before you marry them. There's no way I'd get engaged to someone before 2 years of being together.

britgirl4 · 15/12/2010 12:10

I agree with Mistletoe Minnie about age being a factor sometimes too. We were engaged after 11 years and married the following year but we had been together since we were 18/19.

Did I feel that I was 'waiting' for a proposal? Of course I did sometimes. But it was the right thing for us and eight years later we're still very happy.

hoppybird · 15/12/2010 12:16

This is the thread where the 'two year rule' is mentioned. The couple have been dating for 3 years and he still can't decide if they should move in together. I think that's what is meant by the 'two year rule' - not necessarily marriage or engagement, but a firm commitment. I think, in those terms, it certainly makes sense. :)

Haribolicious · 15/12/2010 12:17

What Jonesybells said!! I'd been with DH 10 years before he proposed....we married after 12 years together and are still going strong after 18 years.
If marriage is a such biggie for you then perhaps you need to make it clear to your DP with timescales!? I think sharing a house & bank accounts show more commitment than marriage, especially after a year together. Is age an issue for you?

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 12:35

Right, the "3 years of dating, still won't decide to move in together" is very much where I'd agree that, if after 2 years or so they are still only dating and not making any kind of bigger committment, its probably never going to happen. Assuming there are no big practical issues stopping it, just him not wanting to.

So - Rockin - you need to decide if you are still worried about not being engaged/married, given that the two of you have a clear committment to each other. Is the fact that its not "official" a big problem to you, or only because of this "rule"?

If marriage is important to you, then you need to talk to DP about that and see whether he wants to marry, hates the idea, doesn't mind much either way but understands your feelings, etc. Then from his reaction you should be able to work out if you are on the same page with this relationship or not, or at least could get onto the same page in the not-too-distant future.

Original poster
RockinSockBunnies · 15/12/2010 12:36

Well, I'm 28, DP is 47. I have DD from a previous relationship, he has a DS.

I suppose my main worry is that DP has never been married before. He does say, though, that he wants to marry me. I just wish he'd be a bit more specific and put a ring on my finger!

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 15/12/2010 12:39

Bunkum and tummyrot, piffle and balderdash! I've got friends who have been together for a decade and only just got engaged.

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 12:43

Well, next time the subject comes up (or bring it up yourself!) say, "And I really want to marry you too. So, how about we set a date and start making some plans?" - make it clear that vague talk of marriage is nice in its way, but that you do want this to actually happen, fairly soon rather than "sometime". Sometimes, men will be happy to vaguely plan to do something about it, but don't actually translate that into a definite plan. If it matters to you, then you may have to take the initiative instead of waiting till it occurs to him to do something about it.

I don't mean hassling him into it if its not what he wants, that's never a good plan, but moving him from the vague idea of marriage to a definite intention.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 15/12/2010 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 15/12/2010 12:46

If you really want to get married, start planning your wedding. Take your DP to visit your proposed wedding venue, for starters, and see what he thinks!