No commitment from boyfriend - what to do

[sunflower9]

So, I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I'm 30, he's 35. We live apart, I've wanted us to move in together since a while back (18 months or so, since I've always known he was something special). He likes his space, never brings up the subject. I've tried to talk about it with him over the last year (well actually, I alternate between talking about moving in, and saying nothing, but I can only leave it about 3 weeks of not mentioning it before I have to again!). His response used to be that it was too soon (after 2 years), more recently he just says we'll move in together some day (which is unspecified and never comes)

It's ended up being the only thing I'm thinking about, and now I'm really insecure about the relationship and it all feels a bit crap. My parents/friends are always asking me when we'll move in and it makes me so upset and I seem to be crying at home all the time about the situation. It's the same with people getting engaged/having babies - it really gets me down (especially when they've been together less time than us).

We had a big fall out at the weekend about this subject which ended up with me saying I couldn't go on like this and I needed more commitment from a relationship I was in. I've hardly stopped crying since then. He's been round to talk one evening and he was very upset too, got the old "I'll change blah blah".

Should I end it? I want children, marriage etc and at 31 I don't want to be waiting for this forever. On the other hand I love him more than anything and it feels like my world is falling apart.

[emmyloulou]

You are going to make a choice tbh, him or kids and family possibly if you move on and meet someone else.

He dosen't sound like he wants to commit to you nor will he do.

Life should not be like this.

[Earlybird]

What reason does he give for being apprehensive and slow to commit?

I've been in your shoes, and should have found the strength to move on long before the relationship finally ended. I wasted a tremendous amount of time and emotional energy waiting for someone to be 'ready'.

Don't give him an ultimatum because no one wants to feel they've coerced a commitment out of someone.

But set yourself a deadline, and stick to it. No matter how much it hurts to leave (if that is what eventually happens), just remember it will hurt much more if you are still in this situation in 3 more years.

[ElfPantsAtMidnightMass]

You need to break it off. Sorry.

It will either be the shock he needs to get him to rethink his life/priorities, or it will get you free to meet someone else.

what a horribly shit situation for you :(

[Kewcumber]

been there, done that, he doesn't love you enough. Leave now and start again.

Its shit but its better than slowly losing your soul in an uneven relationship that you arent enjoying. Loving him isn;t enough - your life is shit wih him, better off wihtout him even if it doesn;t feel like it now.

[Kewcumber]

"got the old "I'll change blah blah"." yup had that too - bollocks

[GraceAwayInAManger]

You want something that he doesn't want. You desperately want him to want what you want - understandable but painful, as you know. Basically, you're telling us you're unhappy with your relationship on current terms.

You may well be able to force him to set up home with you - either by emotional blackmail or leaving him! - but how good will you feel about that, knowing he's compromised his own feelings?

I'm really, really sorry you're in this stalemate but think it'll be better for you to make yourself available for somebody who does want what you want ... genuinely. Have you ever clarified what you do want from life? What do you you want ot be doing in 5, 10, 15 years?

[notjustapotforsoup]

I agree with ElfPants. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have witnessed this situation. It sounds like it's run its course, I'm afraid but he can't be arsed to finish it (partly because he doesn't have the same time pressures as you.)

Most of the men went onto marry someone else quite soon after too. More

[QuintessentialShadows]

Sorry, he just isnt that much into you....
Dont ruin your life over him, pining for something you cant get from him. Love, commitment, children, etc.

Move on. Better now than in some distant point in the future.

[ValiumShimmer]

I've no idea if it's true but i once read that if a man doesn't want to marry you 12-18 months after meeting you it's a bad sign. I can't remember the details. but it was something roughly like this, couples tend to get engaged & married at about two years after meeting or 8 years. Do you want to wait another 6 years?

somebody might ask me to produce a link to back this up, and i'll admit I can't!! but i read it in the paper and it struck a chord with me at the time so i've always remembered it.

[Earlybird]

You feel sad now - understandably. But keep going with this bloke a few more years, and you'll likely feel sad and bitter.

Move on while you have the optimism, emotional energy, and resilience to find someone new. And fwiw, it doesn't get easier as you get older.....

[PressureDrop]

I think you are right to bring the situation to a head, OP. if you don't want the same things, the relationship won't go the distance. At 35 he is too old to be playing the 'maybe one day' game.

[ElfPantsAtMidnightMass]

Yes I'm not surprised notjust.

Because many men get quite panicky when they suddenly realise they are All By Themselves. And they give up their freedom in favour of never having to go out to find sex again

Seriously though, sunflower, I could well be in your situation in a couple of years time.

Can I heartily recommend this thread and ?

[IAmReallyFabNow]

DH and I got married after being together 3 1/2 years but we lived together before 2 years.

I think you need to decide if you want him but possibly no children, no wedding ring and no living together or marriage and children is vital to you and then you would have to leave.

[ValiumShimmer]

ps, it won't take as long as you think to get over it, not if it was your decision. Seriously, don't miss out on the possibility of meeting somebody who really wants you (and children).

I think it will sort out future time wasters as well.

new date "what went wrong with your last relationship?"

you "after two years he still didn't want to commit".

new date thinks 'woman who values herself, if i'm sticking around, i'll have to value her too'.

[expatinscotland]

End it.

I got a divorce, finalised when I was 30, because my ex h never wanted children.

Nearly 10 years on, I'm happily remarried with three children. He's happily remarried with no children or stepchildren.

[ElfPantsAtMidnightMass]

I think it's not a hard and fast rule though. For instance, I got together with DP when I was 22 and don't want to get married yet - nor does he, and if he'd proposed after 2 years I've have a) panicked and b) wondered why he hadn't listened to anything I said about my future plans/views on marriage.

However if it gets to the point where one person is ready to commit and the other isn't, there's only a brief window before it starts to really damage things. What you don't want is to get pregnant, planned or not, then have another child because you've got one, and he's still dragging his heels... and then if he finally does commit, it turns out that you are having to do everything for him AND the kids because it was all your idea in the first place!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

i think you need to set a date and if things havnt chnaged by then tbh if need be have a spilt so he can see what he is missing

3yrs isnt a huge amount of time, but understand you do want to have some kind of comittment now by either moving in together/engaged etc

what is it that scares him?

[BibiBlocksberg]

OP, am sitting here reading your post while my not so DP is packing his bags upstairs.

Please believe me when I say that if he was properly committed to you and the relationship you would know about it and you would not be having to get upset about it every three weeks.

I learnt the hard way and wasted 10 precious years for a commitment which never came.

NOW my ex DP is writing me notes telling me he wants marriage, children etc but it's too late for me.

Also, totally agree with what Grace said.

[HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly]

He doesn't want to.

You need to decide if what he's offering is ok for you or not.

[piratecatClaus]

elfpants i love that tune and vid.

op. I guess you both have a big chat to come.

[WherecanIhide]

If he doesn't commit and you stay with him, in a few years he may leave you any way (sorry to be harsh)or you may become resentful about missing out on having children.

[NonnoMum]

Haven't you heard of the "Two Year Rule"? If you are not engaged or married after two years, move on.
31 is not too late to find someone who will love and respect you.

[sunflower9]

Thank you all. Good advice and actually was what I expected to hear, although of course harder to act on it when you are emotionally involved.

Earlybird: There have been no real reasons why he has not been ready to move in together, he just says he enjoys spending time with me but likes to have his own space some evenings eg on sunday evening after spending the weekend together. I can understand the need for time alone, I'm like that too, which is probably why I've let it go on this long. He also says he doesn't want to rush into things before being ready. He's not had any what I'd call long term relationships before me (yes, I know...bad sign).

Elfpants: thanks for the links

I am very much against ultimatums, it just leads to the problem moving further in the future. But I'm worried that he has seen it as that. At the moment we've practically broken up and now of course he says he's realised what a twat he's been and wants to move in. I certainly don't want a panic reaction and I don't want to move in together in a bad part of the relationship, especially when I'm doubting what it'll be like in the future

[QuintessentialShadows]

I moved in with my now dh after 2 months. Even though I was only 21 I knew he was the man for me, and vice versa. We got married 4 years later, and had our first child after being married 3 years. If I remember correctly. I met him 8th September 1993.
If after 3 years he wont commit, and wont move in with you, I wouldnt force him and the issue, but move on.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

nonnomum - my relatiosnhip must be dire then

took 7yrs to live together and 13 to get engaged - been married for nearly 4years and together for nearly 20yrs

but been together since nearly 19, and tbh couldnt afford to buy a house in my early 20's so he rented a tiny bedsit as his mum moved away and i lived with my parents pratcially rent free and saved what we would have paid in rent for a deposit

obv as you get older you want more comittment but i dont think 3yrs is that bad - op you prob feel that your clock is ticking and if you dont get some kind of comittment then you will be left on the shelf