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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His sexual past- my latest issue!

20 replies

chosenonesparklyglitterybow · 15/12/2010 11:13

To cut a long story short me and DP have fallen in love and having a great time- he is lovely to me and we seem to adore each other. But I have niggles about his past although he's been very open! We have both had numerous partners and varied experiences but the fact that he slept with a 16 year old when he was 26 has knocked me sick!! He says she was consensual and it was at her family home etc- Am i in the wrong he's 40 now and was in a faithful long term relationship for the whole of his 30's!!

OP posts:

WherecanIhide · 15/12/2010 11:23

A 26 year old man sleeping with a 16 year old girl would put me right off him. Morally wrong - even if it was 'consensual'. What does a 16 year old girl know?

madonnawhore · 15/12/2010 11:25

It was a very long time ago and if it was a one off - i.e he hasn't slept with anyone else quite so much younger than him since - then there must have been particular circumstances that allowed for that situation to arise at that time.

I can understand why you're freaked out but I don't think it's worth ending a relationship over unless he made teenage girls a habit in the past.

GandalfyCarawak · 15/12/2010 11:26

I was with a 28 year old when I was sixteen. He was lovely, and I was mature. I wouldn't punish him.

winnybella · 15/12/2010 11:27

Hmm. My ex x cheated on me with a 16 yo just after I gave birth to DS. He was 30

I don't know- I mean it's not a crime, it was a long time ago...if he's proved himself able to be in a long term relationship and is a nice person...What does he say about it now- does he think it was ok or not?

KerryMumblesFaints · 15/12/2010 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeckTheIceWithDragonsAndHolly · 15/12/2010 11:30

he isnt the first of the last older lad who has had sex with a 16yo. If she was 14 and he was 26 i could see more of a problem.

maxpower · 15/12/2010 11:31

It was 14 years ago and at 26 a man isn't as emotionally mature as women are. I can see why you'd find it a bit uncomfortable but unless he's given you a good reason to question his commitment to your current relationship, you should let it go. How do you know he'd not be freaked out by something in your sexual history?

KerryMumblesFaints · 15/12/2010 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChessyEvans · 15/12/2010 11:33

I can see why you'd be freaked out but it depends really, some 16 year olds are far more grown up than others (and some 26 year olds) so their ages might not have been as far apart as they sound... Do you know if he still speaks to the girl now she's grown up? Just thinking that if they're still on speaking terms then it's unlikely to be anything to get too worried about.

Ultimately it's going to depend on how you feel about it but if it was just a one off as madonna says and if he's been in a LTR with someone his own age since then it was probably just one of those things and not a peter pan type situation!

I sometimes think it's not wise to know everything about a DP's past - I say this as I have a tendency to be insecure and my DH is in the forces...

Taghain · 15/12/2010 12:02

It's nothing to worry about since he admitted it and it's a one-off.
Paedophiles weren't regarded as bogeymen then, so the relationship would not have been so frowned upon as it would be now.

(Strolls off to listen to Stray Cat Blues by the Rolling Stones & remembers incidents many years ago)

MrMeaner · 15/12/2010 14:01

Not trying to be controversial here, but I would be more 'worried' if it turned out he had a long term relationship with a 16 year old at 26 then maybe just a few nights together...

I think it depends to a fair extent upon the circumstances - meet a 16 year old in a club as a 26 year old man and you would probably think most of them are 21. If she turned out to be confident, articulate, happy with the situation and mature, then I struggle to think of many men who would turn the opportunity down. Standing around school gates in the hope of meeting an impressionable young girl who would be suitably impressed by an older man comes into another category though...

Given that he's told you everything I would be very surprised if he could even contemplate that it could be an issue for you and I suspect he falls in the first category above.
Hope it works out well

Original poster

chosenonesparklyglitterybow · 15/12/2010 23:23

Thanks everyone! It definately fell into the dressed up for a night out catergory and she was really into it! he also thinks he was pretty immature in his 20's. He knows its put me off him a bit and he's surprised and worried as it was so long ago. I feel like im ignoring the past ten or so years he was in a committed relationship and just focusing on his wild years prior to that- this is why I hate new relationships/falling for someone I get so worked up about their sexual past, who they fancy on the telly etc, I really thought id grown out of this by now!!

OP posts:

spidookly · 16/12/2010 07:26

Vom

there are other men

Alouiseg · 16/12/2010 07:35

The thing is, he's been honest. If he hadn't told you and you had found out later you could be suspicious that he kept it from you.

It was years ago, at 16 I certainly had a few older man experiences. It really wasn't creepy at all! After the age of 16 it really is open season I'm afraid. Have you never had a morally shaky encounter? Married or attached man perhaps.

chrysanthemum38 · 16/12/2010 09:23

I don't see it as an issue.

It's not illegal (assuming you are in the UK) and it doesn't make him a paedophile.

My niece met a man 20 years older than her when she was only 17 - seven years on they are still together and they have a son.

We were worried about her to begin with, especially when she left home to live with him, but they seem to be happy and in love.

Assuming he wasn't in a position of trust, i.e. teacher, doctor etc, then it wouldn't bother me.

Gay40 · 16/12/2010 10:16

Nothing to get worked up about. He's told you about it and everyone has a past - I think everyone has things in their life they'd rather not hung on a tree for all to see.

Move on and forget about it.

alexqueue · 26/12/2010 00:29

Agree with the rest, not an issue. At 17 I was with a 35YO woman, it was fine, I don't feel as if I was manipulated and a girl would have probably been more mature than I.

violethill · 26/12/2010 08:28

Really don't understand the people who are making disgusted noises.

Do you not think a 16 year old should sleep with anyone? Or just other 16 year olds? Or would 18 be ok? Or anything up to 20? Or some other arbitrary figure you choose to pluck out of the air, without any regard for the maturity and experience of either party?

He met someone of consensual age, who was up for sex and enjoyed it on equal terms.

dietcokesholidaysarecoming · 26/12/2010 08:43

I think the disection if his past is unnecessary. Is he doing the same post mortem on yours?

BalloonSlayer · 26/12/2010 08:57

I went out with a man of 34 when I was 17. We went out together for a year. We didn't actually have full sex - I was a virgin and not ready for it. He was frustrated but understood - he was a very nice man. When I look back I think he was quite emotionally immature. I remember him fondly and was not exploited or taken advantage of in any way.

The thing I think is important is - we met at work, and had known each other for a while before going out together. The point being - I had left school and was at work - I was in the "adult world." If an older man was going out with a sixteen year old who is still at school or college I probably would look askance at it.

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