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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says we "need a chat"

57 replies

frazzle26 · 14/12/2010 03:54

Feeling rather sad tonight and have come online as I cac't sleep hence being online at 03:49. My bf came over last night for dinner and was due to stay the night but when I woke up about 45 mins ago he'd gone. I called him and he said he'd gone home as he couldn't sleep. I was very upset about this, part of it was prob just because I just woken up as well as the annoyance of him actually going without telling me.

He then said that he thought we needed "to talk". He then went on to say that he hadn't been feeling right about things for a while and didn't know what he wants for the future. TBH, I've been getting this vibe from him for a while (we've been going out for just over 2 months) but I really like him and I don't want us to split.

Just want sympathy more than anything lol!! Think the outcome is fairly inevitable with it being such a new relationship.

OP posts:
thumbplumpuddingwitch · 14/12/2010 04:30

I think so too, sorry frazzle. I used to refer to it as "the black armband" feeling - they just do give off the vibes sometimes and there isn't much you can do about it, sadly. :(

HelenaRose · 14/12/2010 04:39

I'm sorry to hear that.

allgonebellyup · 15/12/2010 14:59

Oh god, Frazzle, you were on the new boyfriends thread with me!
Mine went wrong a couple of weeks ago and now we are not together..i think Banks was another one??

REally sorry to hear this. Its horrible isnt it?Sad

Original poster
frazzle26 · 15/12/2010 16:31

Very upset at the mo. He text me last night from his work night out telling me "not to worry" and he would call me today. And guess what, it's now 4.30pm and no word. How can he tell me not to worry, it's all I have done. FGS, if he wants to end it I'd rather he just said. I'm a big girl.

I'm starting to think along the lines of, if he hasn't called me by the end of tomo then just to end things myself. Delete him off FB etc. Won't even bother to call him as i think deleting him will send the same message.

What do people think??

OP posts:
spikeycow · 15/12/2010 17:14

Yeah delete him. What does he mean not to worry? Is he implying that he's changed his mind (headfuck) or does he think youre pining or something. Bit patronising IMO

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass · 15/12/2010 17:16

If he's telling you not to worry then it might not be that he wants to break up. Maybe he feels he needs to tell you something about himself (his has 12 children/he is married/he is part octopus)?

Still best to prepare yourself though. Call him after work if still no word. Why torture yourself for longer.

MassiveKnobOfBrandyButter · 15/12/2010 17:20

Sounds like he does want to end it, but has not got the guts to actually come out with it. Delete, be sad for a while, but move on, remembering that if it wasn't meant to be then best you found out early on in the relationship than being strung along years down the line, which can often happen with weak men.

RitaLynn · 15/12/2010 17:20

I wouldn't go for the "dumping by deleting from facebook approach". That's a bit teenage. Hope it's not bad news, and if it is, you'll get over it.

Original poster
frazzle26 · 15/12/2010 19:18

I know the dumping by FB is a bit childish but I feel that that is how he is behaving too. I have decided to take control of the situation now for my own sanity. I am definitely going to finish it if he hasn't called by the end of tomo. Even if he does call now I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll def make sure to stay calm but if he's treating me like this now then it surely doesn't bode well.

My son has just gone to bed and my bf knows this is the time i usually put him down so if he was planning on leaving it til then to call then in theory he should call sometime soon lol!!

Will keep u posted!!!

OP posts:
megsophandemma · 15/12/2010 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
frazzle26 · 15/12/2010 22:32

The latest ........

I finally decided at about 9:45pm that I'd had enough of this and sent a text message saying "goodbye bf" and deleted him from FB. He then started texting me saying that he was sorry he hadn't called today and that he'd been asleep most of the day due to the work night out last night. I've told him that I think his behaviour has been unacceptable but have agreed that he can come over at 11am tomorrow so we can talk face to face.

Will keep you posted on the outcome ......

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 16/12/2010 09:12

...ooh ok. Make sure you keep posted on here. And dont settle for something that doesnt feel ok or make you happy..

I kind of made up with my blokey last night, but im still not 100% about everything- he is still quite immature about certain things so will just play it by ear...

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 16/12/2010 09:50

Oh bollocks! Asleep all day!? if you want to phone you phone simple as that. I wouldn't let him come over tbh. It's done, move on. Knobber!

SheWillBeLoved · 16/12/2010 11:00

Agree with Avoidingargos. Asleep most of the day? So not all of it? So he could have called you when he was awake, he just couldn't be arsed.

If he manages to claw his way back in at this little face to face chat, I have a feeling you'll find that this will be the theme of your relationship. 2 months in, he doesn't feel he has a future with you, and doesn't call when he says he will - I'd personally cut my losses now.

Original poster
frazzle26 · 16/12/2010 11:41

The outcome .....

He came over and I've ended it. Basically, he apologised for Monday night and said he didn't know why he did it. However, he then started saying that he didn't think that he could give 100% to the relationship and he wasn't feeling up to it. He didn't feel that he could really be "bothered" anymore. He then asked if we could put things on hold for a while. I said absolutley no way and said that he either wanted to be with me or he didn't. That was met with silence. I then said that I was taking things into my own hands and ending it and asked him to leave. He kept saying that it "wasn't like that" and he "hoped we could still be friends"

I am absolutely gutted. I really like this guy and am sat here crying. Thought he was different :-(

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 16/12/2010 11:49

Feel like high-fiving you. Well done for not putting up with his vague, non-commital, whiny, cowardly, not-taking-responsibility-for-his-actions, bullshit.

I know it must hurt horribly right now but you have done the right thing and have kept your self-esteem and dignity in tact. He would have continued pissing you around if you'd let him so good for you for protecting yourself and being strong.

Of course, he will probably be desperate to get you back now. Stand firm!

SheWillBeLoved · 16/12/2010 11:52

Well done. You deserve much more than what he had to offer.

Stay strong, you'll find it :)

madonnawhore · 16/12/2010 11:55

Yes SheWill is right. I know you really liked him but the way he behaved towards you in the last week or so didn't really make him seem like much of a catch to be honest.

Continue to keep your standards high.

sassy34264 · 16/12/2010 12:01

I always say, if they don't treat you well in the first few months when they are supposed to be on their best behaviour, you have no chance of being treated well in the future. Sorry for your hurt, but i suspect you are better off. x

Original poster
frazzle26 · 16/12/2010 12:03

I always swore that after the way my ex husband treated me (violence/cheating/bullying to name but a few) that if any man did not treat me properly then he would me for the chop. I'm only 27 so hopefully there's still time for me to find someone lovely.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 16/12/2010 12:06

OMG you've got years ahead of you to find someone amazing. Enjoy the time on your own while you can and spend it being kind to yourself. At 27 you've got nothing to worry about in that respect.

KangarooCaught · 16/12/2010 12:06

Oh, well rid. He sounds far too hard work & if he doesn't make you feel tingly & fab, he isn't worth your marvellousness!

AMumInScotland · 16/12/2010 12:07

Well done! He made it clear he wasn't really committed to the relationship, so why should you be happy to "put it on hold"? ie sit around and wait for him to decide if he can be arsed. You go girl!

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 16/12/2010 12:07

Frazzle - well done for taking things into your own hands and taking control of the situation.

Keep your oath to yourself - accept only the best!
At 27, you still have plenty of time, honestly. Just make sure that you are fully confident that you will find the right man for you who will treat you as you expect and deserve to be treated.

superv1xen · 16/12/2010 12:08

very well done frazzle, stay strong, you are very young and you deserve (and will get) much much better than this sort of fuckwittery.x

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