Get a good grip on controlling behaviour
Padraig O'Morain
That's men for you: Women accuse men of being control freaks and men accuse women of the same. The issue of control is never far away when there is frequent conflict in relationships.
At one extreme, there is the man who wants to control his wife's dress, who she sees, who she is seen by and who her friends are.
At another extreme, there is the woman who bullies her partner with extreme displays of anger or by equally effective displays of depression. The latter involves taking to her bed for a week, for instance, because someone has not jumped at her command.
I'm referring here to unreasonable levels of controlling behaviour rather than normal bickering. But this level of controlling behaviour is by no means rare, as we know.
It seems to me that there are broad differences in how the genders exercise unreasonable controlling behaviour over each other.
Some men order women about, threaten them or hit them. The use of violence to control someone else seems to be more common in men, although violence by women is a feature of some relationships.
Women, on the other hand, are probably better than men at emotional warfare - anger, sulking and criticism, for instance.
Here, too, there is a crossover: some men are just as good as women at sulking and pouting when their partner fails to stay within the limits they have set for them.
Criticism and outbursts of anger can be expected to be an occasional feature of any relationship, of course.
That, I am afraid, is human nature and there is not too much we can do about it except to get over it as quickly as possible.
But excessive criticism and excessive outbursts of anger are a real problem and damage people's emotional wellbeing.
Those who exercise excessive control over other people deny the right of others to make their own choices.
This is very, very demoralising for the other person - I would go so far as to say it amounts to a psychological crime against another. In effect, the control freak is a thief who steals the other person's legitimate freedom and legitimate power.
The problem for the control freaks is that they have to keep on controlling. Human beings don't like being controlled so they inevitably slip out of control every now and then. The control freak always has to be vigilant, always has to be ready to whip the other person into line.
And, quite often, the control freak ends up losing the game. The other person tires of being limited and pushed down and eventually breaks free even if it takes years.
And while the control freak goes out and looks for somebody else, that somebody else may not stick around for too long.
There are two kinds of controlling people. One kind is the sort of person that can be reasoned with and who will give up their controlling behaviour if their partner is as assertive.
The other kind is the one who will not listen to reason and who will react violently, either physically or emotionally, if their partner makes any attempt to assert himself or herself.
In my opinion, all that any reasonable person can do with the second kind is to leave them as quickly and as safely as can be arranged. I recognise that this is not always possible, for instance, in cases where the controlling partner is likely to get custody of the children.
It may be that beneath controlling behaviour lies a deep fear. This may be the fear that if I don't control you, you will abandon me.
The person who is into extremes of control needs to look at that fear and to stop what they are doing.
Most of all, though, they need to stop what they are doing.
Looking at the fear can come later.
Meanwhile, if you find yourself getting involved with someone who you suspect is over-controlling, you may be wise to escape while you still can.
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Padraig O'Morain is a journalist and counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.