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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Possessive partners....

67 replies

dabihp · 27/09/2005 18:33

Is he? Are u?

How much sh*t do u think you should put up with, b4 u tell him where to go?

\what about if u were really happy with each other, as long as you going anywhere wasnt an issue?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 27/09/2005 22:16

DH asks, are you worried about him looking in the history? Or finding it on auto-complete (when you start typing a web address, and it finishes it)?

blueteddy · 27/09/2005 22:16

Yes, I do that daily!

NotQuiteCockney · 27/09/2005 22:29

Ok, I have your fix, whatever you're worried about: this tool will let you edit your history, and choose whether your changes affect the autocomplete.

Please do consider counselling, on your own or with your DP. You are going to quite a bit of effort to avoid him realising you visited a site about abusive partners, because you believe he (somewhat) meets the criteria ...

maturer · 27/09/2005 22:42

To edit your history I've always just opened up the history list, click on the link you want to edit, right click on it which usually gives you a small list of options, one is delete. Click this- your asked are you sure you want to etc - ok then it goes! leaving all the rest of the history list in tact. Hope it works.

MeerkatsUnite · 28/09/2005 06:59

Crazydazy,

I hope you got your computer sorted.

Am certain he would never lay a hand on your kids either - but he would certainly lay his hands on you violently and he has pushed you. This is what controllers do and he is exactly to type.

I do hope you find the strength within yourself to be able to leave him for your kids' sakes as well as your own. Children who grow up seeing such relationships are more likely than not to repeat such controlling behaviours themselves as adults.
It will damage them.

You need help to leave - I repeat what is there to love about him exactly?. Your two children are what is keeping you there and he is using them to get back at you. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Pushing you is also a form of physical violence which could escalate - do not downplay it.

If nothing else consider Relate counselling on your own to talk this through someone impartial. I do not think for a minute your partner would attend; I feel many such men hate women and have much anger towards them.

NotQuiteCockney · 28/09/2005 07:01

maturer's method will work, but it won't get the site out of autocomplete (where you type part of a web address and the rest comes up). If it's just the history you want to fix, that will do it, much easier than my way.

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 11:30

Thanks everyone for your advice, I had to rush off last night as he was threatening to take over the computer if I didn't come off Mumsnet and so I talked him into going to bed. I have just deleted the whole history, he will probably ask why but I will say I did it by accident.

Meerkat - I am really grateful to you for what you have said I really do think that one day I will leave him but I am just not ready now, its more about the phobia - I am more scared of that than I am of him!!!! When my kids are a little older (5 and 3) the phobia won't cause such a problem for me.

He's never pushed me in front of the children because that only happens when he has been drinking and they are usually in bed. There is lots more things I could say on here what he has done in the past and things he has said but its not just about him, his parents are so lovely and in their late 60's. I would break their hearts if I left him too and I don't want to do that to them either. It just seems that putting up with him is much better than the excalation of devastation it would cause in me leaving him and taking the kids away. I just don't hate him that much yet. If he ever did hit me or harm me in any way HE KNOWS THAT I WOULD GET RID OF HIM.

I really do appreciate everything that has been said to me on this but really I just came on to sympathise with Dahbihp because she's in a similar situation to me and knows what it is like living with a man like this.

MeerkatsUnite · 28/09/2005 11:49

Crazydazy,

I think he's personally smashed any remnants of self esteem that you have previously had into the ground. I sense you were vulnerable to start with and he's just made things far worse.

This earlier comment of yours really worried me re him:-
"Won't let me go anywhere without him and/or the kids!!! Is very loving though and very protective".

He's not protective at all - he's controlling every aspect of your life. He has succeeded in isolating you from your family and your sister.

What are you so afraid of?. Address your fears head on. Surely it is better to be with your children and free without walking on eggshells all the time rather than spend the next 5,10,15 years with such a man. Your children are still very young but they will pick up on this and it will cause them emotional anguish. It is easy for me to say as an outsider but it is hard as you say.

TBH I also blame his parents - they must have known what he was really like and you are the lamb to the slaughter. You do write about them being hurt but what about you?. You're the only primarily affected followed closely behind by your children.

If nothing else I hope this thread has made you think and will help you in the longer term. If you read the book suggested as well it may help along with seeking Relate counselling for yourself.

You are a good person - no-one but no-one deserves to be controlled in such a manner.

I've seen what controlling behaviour does hence my writing.

Poshpaws · 28/09/2005 11:58

Hi Crazydazy

I agree with Meerkatsunite. I work supporting women suffering domestic abuse and sadly what you have said and continue to say are things I have heard before.

I'm not hear to tell you what to do. Leave when you are ready but do get support from some of the organisations mentioned earlier in the thread (you too dabihp).

Also, please acknowledge this behaviour for what it is - controlling. The more we accept and excuse it, the worse it could potentially get.

Also, hope I got this wrong, but on a thread a few weeks ago, were you the Mnetter who said that their dp calls their baby dd a bitch sometimes? If so, he may not hit them, but he is abusing her, at least verbally

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 15:07

Oh no Poshpaws I saw that thread too, no that wasn't my DP, he is never like that with our kids honestly and truly.

Meerkat - you are a nice caring person and I am grateful to you for your advice. I have definitely learnt just from this thread that isn't me thats making him like that its the way he is and nothing is going to change I know that but I am feeling quite strong now so I will keep you updated, thanks again .

Original poster

dabihp · 28/09/2005 20:05

I have just gone to the library to get Germaine Greers - The Female Eunuch, think it will help? lol

OP posts:

crazydazy · 28/09/2005 20:23

Not heard of that, whats it about Dahbihp?

Original poster

dabihp · 28/09/2005 22:04

havent read it yet but it loooks interesting, and is infamous

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 29/09/2005 06:48

Dabihp,

Read this one as well if you can get it:-

Why Does He Do That
Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft

crazydazy · 30/09/2005 20:51

Yes I am quite interested in that too Dahbihp, will look out for that.

crazydazy · 30/09/2005 21:08

Meerkatsunite - I have just been into a website about Narcisstic Personality Disorder as that is what Lundy Bancroft refers to in her book. It almost made me weep as I can identify with a quite a lot of the things mentioned in this although a lot of the other things are not true either.

Quite upsetting really especially as I have a night out arranged soon and I can just imagine the problems I am going to have.

MeerkatsUnite · 30/09/2005 22:19

Crazydazy

What are you going to do re your night out?. If you cancel it you've just given into his controlling behaviours again.

He would never hurt your children (actually many women with controlling partners do say this) - but I would not put it past him in the slightest to hurt you physically again. I seem to recall that he has already pushed you. It could escalate.

On a wider level don't think that your children aren't aware that something is amiss between you both. A controlling relationship such as yours has the potential to emotionally damage them as well. Their primary source of learning about relationships comes from you two.

I again urge you to speak to someone like Relate or Women's Aid and talk this through with someone impartial for your own sake before your next night out. Please consider getting support from them.

You are making some progress because you're doing researches of your own. I am encouraged to see these steps being taken. I think you know deep down that such behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable.

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