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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possessive partners....

67 replies

dabihp · 27/09/2005 18:33

Is he? Are u?

How much sh*t do u think you should put up with, b4 u tell him where to go?

\what about if u were really happy with each other, as long as you going anywhere wasnt an issue?

OP posts:
crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:13

I know what you are saying and thanks for your advice, its just not as easy as that not for me at the moment. I love my DP and so do my kids!!!

Dahbihp what you said just makes me laugh cos it sound like me saying it!!!! Any female I know is "bad news". Even my sister and she is so choosy and has been single for 4 years now because no-one lives up to her code!!!

MeerkatsUnite · 27/09/2005 21:14

I woudl also suggest you both read this book also:-

Why Does He Do That
Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:14

Sorry Meerkat, crossed post, will read your thread when DP is in bed and get back to you.

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:16

Thanks again Meerkat, its comforting to know that people give caring advice when they barely know you or your circumstances.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/09/2005 21:18

Crazydazy

What is there to love exactly?. He is certainly not protecting you (this is probably what he thinks and therefore he does not think he has a problem). He has you in a gilded cage of his own making and he is not going to let you go anywhere or do anything ever again without his permission. He has also managed to isolate you from practically everyone else except him.

This is doing untold damage to your children as well; they are seeing their Mum being abused.

You can escape this but you need to get support from outside - you cannot leave on your own.

Would also suggest you contact Womens Aid as a matter of urgency. You are not the only woman to be in the clutches of a controlling man and unfortunately you will not be the last.

changednamefornow · 27/09/2005 21:20

Regular mumsnetter changed name for now.
I have been with my partner for 10 years. At the beginning of the relationship he was drunk and unfaithful. Once.
So I stopped going out on my own and he did too.
Maybe we should have went our seperate ways, we didnt though and now have 2 children.
I am just beginning to get my life after children back, going out to work, for coffee to the pub and of course now so is he.
Hes going out with the bloke that he went out with that one night.
Cant begin to tell you how much my insides churn at the thought of it.
I know I would never screw around, he did, and I know it was 10 years ago but.....
Going to have to keep it together and see how it goes.
I have made up my mind and if theres a sniff of unfaithfulness I will end the relationship.
That wont help either of you crazydazy or dabhip but I thought I would share it.

Original poster
dabihp · 27/09/2005 21:24

changedname - poor u, relationships are hard.

my dp has never been unfaithful and i believe wount be, he doesnt drink, he is notviolent. we are very compatible and love each other v much, and, yes, he is great with kids.

only thing that rocks the boat is this. which is why it is so hard. cos i dont wwant to leave,but he wont change.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:24

Its not an urgency at the moment. Its more frustrating than worrying. He has always been like this (been with him 6 years) and have just learnt to live with it.

There are other problems, I have a phobia which prevents me from bringing the kids up alone when they are older I may feel strong enough to leave.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/09/2005 21:26

Would your partners consider counselling? You might manage to sort things out that way? (If not, you could consider counselling on your own, to talk about it?)

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:27

Mine will never change, I know that without a doubt in my mind!!

I love my DP too very much, thats why its hard. If he was always out himself and didn't support me with the kids then fair enough but 90% of him is loving.

Original poster
dabihp · 27/09/2005 21:30

so, i guess u choose between, your happy family life with your best friend/partner... and a social life...

sounds silly when put like that, no contest really...

OP posts:
crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:34

I don't think you should have to choose between them though. Its a bone of contention with me and if I felt determined enough I would go and he wouldn't stop me. Just cannot be arsed with the arguing though most of the time.

Original poster
dabihp · 27/09/2005 21:35

yeah, the night/day/event/trip is ruined b4 u get to go!

OP posts:
beetroot · 27/09/2005 21:38

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crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:40

DP has never hit me, pushed me yes but not hit me.

Dior · 27/09/2005 21:41

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beetroot · 27/09/2005 21:42

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beetroot · 27/09/2005 21:42

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beetroot · 27/09/2005 21:42

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crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:52

Dior - yes he lets me go out to meet Mums with kids its just going out socially he doesn't like.

Ironically now I have a male "friend" whom I have known years but recently got talking to at school as his children go to the same school. Thats all we are just friends atm but I sometimes wonder if he is pushing me into seeking these kinds of "friends" iykwim!!!

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 22:02

Meerkat, have read the link and DP is some of those things but not all. Its very upsetting knowing I am living with someone like this but I have two children to this man and this is important. I must stress that he has never laid a hand on my children and never would!!!!

One thing I am worried about now though, the link is showing on my web sites I've visited and don't want DP to see it. Can I get rid of it without getting rid of all the others???

charliecat · 27/09/2005 22:07

Right, you need to go to Control Panel, Internet Options, Content, Click on Autocomplete and untick the web addresses box

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 22:12

Charliecat - have done what you said and its still there. Will try it again though. Thanks v much.

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 22:15

Nope hasn't worked, didn't want to try deleting history as he will asked why I have deleted all the addresses!!!

NotQuiteCockney · 27/09/2005 22:15

Crazydazy, it's your history. It's very hard to clear your history selectively. (You'd have to install a tool.)

The easiest thing is to clear the whole history, and claim you did it by accident or similar. (You heard there was a virus that could catch you that way? There are some pretty stupid virus claims out there.)

(Tools->Internet Options->Clear History button.)