How to re-establish contact with my estranged sister....

[notanumber]

I have been estranged from my sister for several years (my instigation). In that time we have both had children (my eldest is only a few months apart from her daughter).

I sort of think I would like to re-establish contact with her.

I don't actually want a relationship with her, I think she's horrible. But our estrangement is awful and awkward for our parents and extended family and I'd like to make this less of a problem for them. Also, I think I'd like to be in her daughter's life as her mother is so selfish and crazy that the more people she has looking out for her the better.

So... any suggestions as to how I approach this? I don't have an address or telephone number for her (easily obtainable from my parents but would probably not want to involve them / raise their hopes at this stage). She is on Facebook though, so I could contact her that way. What do you think? And what would I say?

I think I wouldn't reverse a decision I'd made to cut someone out of my life if I still felt as negatively about them as you clearly do about your sister. It would be a 'pretend' relationship wouldn't it? Not honest.

Also, if your sister and her dd still have a relationship with your parents, it must be possible for you to establish some kind of relationship with your niece.

I wouldn't do it if my heart wasn't in it. You cut contact for a reason. Are you just feeling sentimental in the run up to Christmas? I would let the Christmas season pass before doing anything even if I did want to reconcile - and my feeling from your post is that you don't really. You can't force a relationship to please other people you have to be true to yourself.

If you feel that you could conduct a civil relationship with her, then why not? You only have to let her into your life on your terms.

Your poor parents

Do you know if your sister would actually welcome any contact from you?

Seems a bit presumptuous to go from estrangement at your instigation to deciding that you would like to be involved in her daughter's life...

Are you sure you want to?

Do you have any family gatherings coming up? Not necessarily your parents, but something the two sets of children would be invited to. Then you and your sister would at least be in the same room, making it a bit easier to suggest that the children should have opportunities to stay in touch, and you and she have contact as a necessary adjunct to that.

Ummmm. without going into too much detail, her personal life has just gone tits-up (partner walked out).

While I don't have any particular sympathy for her, it is clearly awful for her daughter whose family has just broken up....

Sister is self-absorbed and prone to impulsive and inappropriate behaviour and now that child's father is not around tempering her excesses, I fear for the child's wellbeing.

So, no, I don't want to have a relationship with her. But I get to make that choice, her poor daughter is only three and doesn't have that luxury. That is what prompting me to consider having some contact.

Yes, I know that she would not reject contact from me. Without going into it in depth, it was her poor behaviour that led to the final estrangement (though I certainly haven't behaved brilliantly myself)

Does this all seem like too much of a hornets nest?

It seems that your wish for contact with your sister is a facade for a hidden agenda - to have access to your niece because you think she has a crap mother. A noble intention for your niece, but still a slap for your sister.

Why not invite your niece over for a play date and your sister can have some 'free time'?

So that is why my sister was so involved with my kids....hmmmm