Secret e-mail address and OW

[Louise2Louise]

I really need some perspective please. Some 18 months ago I caught my DH sending an amorous text to OW. He denied and minimised before admitting to an inappropriate relationship with his colleague. I feared worse. He refused to discuss it other than to say he would end it. He deleted the messages he had posted on the address box he had created for her under an alias. He refused to give me any passwords but I discovered the password and adopted the address when he thought he had closed it down. Both he and she used aliases. He promised to close down the 7 or so e-mail addresses he had and keep only 2, one for work and one for personal. I discovered the passwords for both. He had refused to give them. I was dignified about my discovery but lost some 6 months of my life in grief. He appeared to get closer to me. I still checked his e-mails from time to time as he had told me how easily he had deceived his former wife because he understood computers and had a secret phone. His first marriage ended as a result of one of his girlfriends threatening to inform his wife. I read on MN that bad behaviour such as his often reoccurs after 6 months and so it was. I discovered compromising e-mails to a different colleague some six months after the original discovery. He denied anything other than flirtation. This time I went balistic. I offered him a divorce. He recoiled as he says he lost everything in his previous divorce. He admitted he was wrong and that his behaviour would cease. Last week whilst I was checking his e-mails a secret address list appeared showing a previously not known e-mail address for him. I wrote it down but failed to note the names on the address list which I have never seen before. He has an address list other than this. In order to check whether the e-mail address was an old one closed down like he had promised, I e-mailed it a message" Hello xxx'. I expected it to bounce back as unavailable. just in case it did not, I emailed it from the e-mail address of the OW, to which only I have access. It didn't bounce back. H works away often and he phoned me eventually asking me details about my whereabouts at the time of the message, and whether I had found any thing on the net. I was vague, but later thought it must relate to my e-mail. Still no reply 2 days later on the e-mail address of the OW. Late last night I googled the alias of the OW and up came a Twitter page listing contact between her and my DH. There had been contact her to him about one year ago, he had replied. DH had had depression at the time. Then again about 6 weeks ago, and then my HelloXXx message and his reply some minutes later saying Wonderful to receive your e-mail, but showing only the first few words of those e-mails. I am very upset about the existence of the secret e-mail address, and about him replying to her e-mails. Am I overreacting?
I feel dirty and ashamed that I snooped.

Going for a long hot bath, and probably a cry. Back soon.

Hi Louise.

Having just gone through the whole thread, I am at a bit of a loss.

'He will only admit what I know'. So you know he will continue to lie.

'I need a lot of evidence before I confront him'. No you don't.

As I see it, you have two options. Put up with it or end it. Neither requires trying to dredge the truth out of a man who wouldn't recognise it if it ran him down with a truck.

You are wasting valuable emotional energy playing detective and trying to outsmart someone who has prove he is not worthy of you time and time again.

Sorry if that seems harsh but your posts make me feel and for you.

My dad told me many years ago there are only 3 options when it comes to any bad situation:

1. put up with it

2. change it

3. get out of it

You aren't able to change him, so option 2 is out (assuming you don't want to go the full open relationship route)so that leaves you 1 or 3. Which ever you go for, make sure you actually think about it and choose, not just drift in to 1.

Louise - what would be the point of messing around changing passwords?

You know he is a liar.

You know he is emotionally unfaithful.

You fear that he will be physically unfaithful once he has sorted his problem out.

You know that these behaviours are long-term and very, very unlikely to change.

What else do you need to know to make a decision?

You don't need to confront him with any of this. There is no point, he will lie and wriggle, and nothing will be confirmed and nothing will change.

Make your decision on what to do next based on the information you already have.

Hello Louise

Your H reminds me very much of my ex. Fun, kind, generous, charming. Also weak, deceptive, secretive and rather pathetic.

He thrived on collecting women, flirtation, many secret rendezvous for no-strings sex, and an addiction to porn. Towards the end of our five year relationship he was physically incapable of sex too - with me. It just didn't excite him enough, the way the secret relationships with others did.

He had two or three phones, several email addresses and was listed on many internet dating sites. He lived his "real" and secret life in his head, online, and through quick casual meetings with women.

I understand that you want solid proof to confront him with. You will, as I did, struggle to get this, as you know he is good at hiding evidence, even if he's not that adept at completely covering his tracks. All you really need to confront him is your deep unhappiness and distrust.

Yes, he will tell you you're the architect of your own misery and the fault lies with you in creating distrust within the relationship. But you, and he, know that's not the case. Unless he is prepared to do ANYTHING to repair your lack of trust in him, you are on a hiding to nothing here, and so is he. He can rationalise your suspicions and unhappiness as much as he wants, but that doesn't take them away. Unless he can provide you with proof that he isn't having inappropriate relationships with other women, your fear and lack of trust will remain. And don't let him fob you off with spurious ideas of his "right to privacy" either. He needs to figure our what's more important to him. Refusing to give you passwords is a dead giveaway.

With my ex, my trust was so damaged nothing he could have done would have made everything alright again. I knew he would find ways to continue to cheat, no matter how convoluted they became. Without trust you are doomed to a miserable life.

I'm so sorry you're going through it. I remember the pain very keenly.

My goodness you are so clever to have found all that out. He sounds awful. You can't trust him for an instant.

Don't be ashamed of snooping for a second. You need to with that level of deception. You should be proud of yourself.

louise. I'm going to be very honest here.

i don't think sneaking around and changing passwords will benefit you in any way at all.

i think even if you found photographs of him having sex with another woman he would deny it and make up some story and i think you would try and believe it.

you don't need any more proof than you already have that he is lying to you. you really don't. you know enough now to know how he makes you feel and that is absoloutely enough reason to leave him.

WRT confrontation. there doesn't need to be one. you simply tell him that you no longer want this relationship. you don't have to explain other than to say it isn't what you want. you don't need any proof that he has cheated or lied. the fact that you are so unhappy is reason enough he will aske, plead, beg for another chance. another chance simply means he gets to carry on what he was already doing and you stay there and allow it. don't fall for it. he wont change. you know that.

this is my honest opinion. i know you are finding the responses hard but we really aren't saying this for fun. many of us have been there and we know the only way to stop being cheated on and lied to, is to leave the relationship. he will lie whether you are there or not. he will move on and do the same to someone else.

Agree with mumi and everyone else.

He won't change. Ever.

You are worth more than this pathetic, lying specimen.

Don't wake up one day in a nursing home and realise you wasted your life on this selfish bag of shit that cares not a jot about you.

You are all singing from the same song sheet. I'm stunned.

MadaboutQuavers thank you so much for sharing your experience. That too has really made me think, as you too had to weigh up the undoubted benefits of a kind funny generous man against his habit of cheating. Would your response be the same if it had been only Emotional cheating? I am amazed and interested that your ex also had sexual problems. That has made me think. I would love to hear more from you.

Thanks for all your advice so far. Whatever I do, I am not going to have a miserable life.

Unfortunately we have people staying with us for 10 days before Christmas. You are right, a confrontation, if I can avoid bursting, will serve no purpose other than to poison the atmosphere. He will accuse me of wanting to spoil Christmas. I will think long and hard and plan quietly and after some reflection.

I need all the help I can get. I feel so much stronger for all your support. I work from home, having a helper coming in a couple of hours so have to try and stop crying before that.

Get rid of him

Yes. Get rid of him.

Louise, MAQ's post should really resonate with you as someone who "has been there".

Let me tell you something about men like this. They profess to "love women".

They do not.

They despise them.

Your bloke is one of these men.

Now get out of this relationship before you start to think this is all you deserve.

I am concerned at you not wanting to force the issue before Xmas. It does not matter if he accuses you of "ruining Xmas". What I think will happen is that you will swallow your distress, see him being Mr Nice Guy over the holidays, wiping a few worktops, washing a few pots and you will resolve to try harder to save your relationship.

You can try all you like but it won't work, you are being, and will continue to be, taken as a fool.

In your situation, I would cancel the Xmas plans and start a new life, from today. One that is free of his undermining, sneaky, and toxic influence.

This is an awfully sad thread.
I second/third/fourth everybody else
Get rid

Stuff Christmas you haven't ruined it he has.

Tell him it's over.

he'll ask why

Reply "it's a secret..

..Not so much fun any more are they? twat "

It's true, women's men are not lovers of women, they loathe them.

I agree with AF, lance the boil before christmas, before you have to play happy families. You will feel better sooner. he has stolen enough of your life with his lies.

Louise, just wanted to add to the excellent advice you've already been given. Clearly, your husband is skilled at hiding things, keeping secrets, and building elaborate webs of deceit. The fact his children didn't know about you after 14 years is astounding!

There probably is more to it than you've found so far, but getting further proof of his cheating isn't necessarily your first priority now- you know enough to understand that this is him, and you either live like this or throw him out because he won't change for you. Personally I'd keep records of evidence you have so far for the purpose of any future divorce case, but he will doubtless start hiding things more thoroughly if he is suspicious.

My main worry would be how much he has deceived you over finances. What has he hidden away from bank accounts? How does the mortgage stand on your property- could he have re-mortgaged without telling you? You describe him as generous- has he been equally generous with all these other women too? If it were me, I think I'd spend some time carefully checking the household finances and getting copies of documentation that you might need for future reference (other posters will doubtless be able to advise what you'd need).Do you have children?

Whatever happens, please don't allow him to make you feel this is your fault- it isn't. He has broken his marriage vows, and he wouldn't be any less of a cheat if you hadn't discovered what he was up to.

Louise, you talk of "only" an emotional affair.

Usually, emotional affairs progress to physical ones. If your H has not done so already, he is probably planning to.

Physical or not, the betrayal is the same.

I am interested that such men actually hate women. Is there anything I can read about that? Preferably on line.

It would be difficult to stop our friends coming before Christmas as they are on their way to somewhere else. They have been overseas and I am actually looking forward to catching up. I may, just may, be able to confide in one who is a social worker. She probably has a good idea anyway. I do need some time to come to terms with what I have read on MN. She may be able to help me.

I half expected you to say I was overreacting about some e-mails to a woman he in fact knew before he met me. Or to tell me to be kind to him on account of his occasional depression and his low libido. He has dangerously high blood pressure which is now medicated. Can that affect libido. I dread when it gets better. He is bound to consider taking advantage.

I may just explode when I see him. I am all over the place at the moment. Thank you for being gentle with me.

Louise, of course you are all over the place, it is to be expected.

None of this is your fault. You are not to blame. Do not let this man make you feel as if you are to blame. This is his doing. He can only change if he wants to, you cannot make him.

You cannot save this marriage by yourself and I would say that his behaviour shows that he is not interested in doing so.

I am so stunned by the response that I have had. I have re-read and re-read my OP to see if I have exaggerated. I think I have not. I have tried to be balanced. I have listed his good points. I have said that he denies physical infidelity (which I believe, am I a fool?) Clearly the events around the break up of his first marriage are now a very long time ago. But you are right, he is not going to change. I think I know that now.

I am gob-smacked (horrid word but descriptive) at the unanimous reaction. No way will he now make me believe any of this is my fault. Thank you so much for that.

I have just looked up University Courses that I might consider. Probably out of question, but who knows.

We have no children, thank goodness.

A low libido may often mean he's getting sex elsewhere. In this case it's probably not relevant anyway because of the lies which are probably more hurtful to discover but I'm sorry I find it so hard to believe that he's not doing physical stuff somewhere and I'm also speaking from experience here... these people don't ever change
I hope you will find strength in youself to live through this difficult time. Please don't cry over him he's not worth it whatever you decide to do about your marriage.

GiddyPickle, he did boast at how fully he deceived his first wife. He was proud of himself. He never mentioned to his colleagues that he was in a stable relationship with me and later that we were married. Eventually someone asked me who I was married to and most of them were shocked. He says his private life is no one else's business. He says he never asks them about their private life, so they should butt out of his. His father was secretive. One example is that my DH only learned after his parents' death, that he had had 2 siblings who died just after their birth. He found the birth and death certificates on clearing up their house.

Strangely, he acts very outgoing and confident. He has no close male friends.

Konchita, I went to the GP with him over something else and he mentioned it having low libido. His sexual prowess is one thing he would never underestimate as he use to be so proud of himself in that regard. He says he could become very depressed about it. I think, in fact, that he has. I too had thought that he was going elsewhere. If I was sure his infidelity was physical, it would be over today.