do i need answers to get closure????

[sanchpanch]

split up 2 months ago, have 2 girls
have begged and pleaded him back for last 2 months

have now found out he has been with someone else for last few weeks,

he didnt want to save our relationship yet has started new one,

would like to ask him why etc, but dont really know if i want to hear answers, as i dont want him to give me details about her

do i need to know answers for me to be able to move on or shall i just accept it how it is... and seem like it doesnt bother me

need advice before i ring him.....

sp - my sympathies

as hard as it is, he HAS make his intentions perfectly clear

hold you head high even though you might be crying on the inside - don't beg, don't plead, get your hair done, and put all your enery into your two precious girls

hug to you

is that a no then shouldnt ask him questions

only in my opinion
i wouldn't ask him any questions
by starting a new relationship, he is being very clear about what he wants

what has he said to you over the last 2 months, and especially the last few weeks when he has been with someone else? has he given you reason to hope?

what sort of things do you want to ask him?

Sanchpanch - I would be seething and hurting and desperate to know WHY!!!! and for you.

But..... what would you do with the information? How would it help you?? Truth is it probably wouldn't at all..... so I would say don't ask. In reality though, if it were me then I would make him explain himself.

Sorry, I'm not much help!

I want to know why he didnt want to save our relationship and try to work things out yet started new one?

he has said he just need time and space,

He sat here 2 weeks ago and said he misses me and finds it hard when everytime he sees me i look more and more attractive, (i have lost 3 stone since split) he had met her the week before,

I think she cant be that nice if he was saying that to me, or maybe i am trying to comfort myself with that thought,

I would be scared if i started asking i would get answers that were to painful

Just dont know if i need to know in order to move or or do i rise above it, thanks for listening

and he said things like if we get back together we will do X and Y, so yes he has given me hope

Sanchpanch - I don't think you need to know to move on. But I know you want to know, and no wonder!! But surely none of the answers he gives you will be what you want to hear.

I really don't think its fair of him to give you that hope and keep you from moving on.... whilst he's out sleeping with someone else! Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

It must feel like a total gut punch to have found that out.

I totally understand why you want to ask these questions, because you cant understand what you have done wrong/where you have (both) gone wrong. The fact is, there probably are no "real" answers. Any answers he may give (although im pretty sure he wont want to give any) wont help you ultimately. You could run the risk of badgering him into saying something incredibly stupid out of frustration.

He has made his mind up by the looks of it. The absolute best you can do is be there for your girls, and be as strong as you can for them to try and keep relations with their dad as good as possible.

Agree with koala bear - go do something for yourself to give you a boost, and make a promise to yourself to keep doing things like that occasionally when things seem bleak.

If you have to ring him today - stick to factual stuff about the kids if i were you.

It does get better eventually.

Im sorry for you and wish you the best.

Yeah i think he quite liked knowing i was here waiting for him,

The only thing i think now is that he will now think there is no chance we will get back together as he doesnt know what i am thinking...

So it might make him think properly about it all, where as before while i was begging etc he knew exactly what i wanted..
It just awful

I dont need to ring him we dodnt really have contact betwwen times he has girls,

But was going to ring to ask him to meet me to ask questions, which is why i posted first

I guess what i dont know cant hurt me, but dont think i could be hurt anymore, just so angry with him feel like he has strung me along, just hope i come out of this better than him

Sanch, the thing is, any answers he gives you may not be the right ones anyway, because he may not really know why he's chosen this course of action. Sometimes it takes a few weeks or months or years for us to figure out why we did what we did.

I agree with everyone who says just concentrate on you - what you feel, what you want. And go out and buy some new clothes, get your hair done and hold your head up high. Looking better is often a first step to feeling better.

With regard to the "if we get back together stuff". It would be IMHO so much better if you could just leave it now to him to decide. An air of indifference about you might force him to make his mind up once and for all.

You want him back because he wants to be there, not because you begged him to surely?

Dont know if this'll help but here goes....

My experience is that i split up with ds father because he wanted space, i wanted answers and did ask him if it was possible we'd get back together, he said probably i just need time out of a relationship. I found out 2-3 weeks later he had been seeing someone else and was engaged to her. I now wish I had just been strong enough to move on with no questions asked iykwim. I think it boosted his ego that i wanted him back and he had a girlfriend and he loved it because i was being hurt.
It was possibly a different sort of relationship to yours as it wasn't good and their was violence etc, so i don't know if our experiences are comparable. But from my experience i would just try to move on without answers, this is what i will do if my next relationship fails.
Hth and good luck, xx

And for your own self esteem and regain some "power" back (for want of a better phrase). At the moment none of the decisions have really been yours.

Stepping back would be a good first start i think. Thats just my opinion though. My SIL went through this, so I honestly DO sympathise.

I agree with the others - looks like he's decided there's no going back despite the mixed signals he's been giving you. It may be that this relationship is short-lived and only makes him realise what he's given up but for that to happen you need to appear strong around him so that he can see you at your best and if he wants to come back it's because he wants to. Whether you would want him back by then..........??? You might meet someone too when you're looking so gorgeous!! That would give him a shock no doubt!

So I'd say no don't phone him. Keep that dignity thing going and pretend you aren't bothered.

If he wants to come back he'll let you know I reckon and it's much more likely if you don't cry and beg and plead.

And that is what he has said all along he has to come back because he wants to not because i am begging him to,

I havent asked him back for about 4 weeks now
But i do worry that if i dont keep telling him how i feel about him he wont know and that may stop him coming back becuse i havent told him for a while
but surely that wouldnt stop him- he knows how much i have tried to keep us together

Sanchpach, I agree with the others and, as you know, have been there and know how absolutely awful the situation is and the need to know why. But I honestly don't believe it will help you in the slightest. First, you proabably won't like the answers because they won't be the onest that you want and second, the longer you prolong the uncertainty for yourself the longer you will be just so horribly upset for and less likely to move on. He has to want to come back and you need some space and time for yourself. Do try to distance yourself but, I honestly totally understand why you might not be able to.

Thank so much to you all, i cant tell you how much i appreciate you honest opinions, it really helps,
Just wish he knew how hard it is for me bringing up 2 girls aged 2 and 7 on my own

What gives them the right to up and leave

Sanchpanch, don't worry about him not knowing how you feel.

If he suddenly realises he wants to come back, he won't care whether you want him to or not - he'll come back - if you let him.

Concentrate on you, not him. Or at least pretend to. I know it's tough, but it's the beginning of either moving on, or getting him back. As long as you're still focussed on him, you're in limbo.

what gives them the right?

no spine, that's what

SP if he wants to come back he will let you know or you will feel it. I honestly don't think you need to keep letting him know that that's an option. I think he's got the message!

If he changes his mind he'll show signs and he'll be different with you and he'll tell you I'm sure.

You're doing the right thing in being cool. Sykes is right the longer you proling the agony for yourself the longer it'll be before you can move on. Acceptance is probably the first step I guess.

I think he needs to think its not an option, in order for him to think properly about us and our girls,

Would he try and come back even if he didnt think he stood a chance because he doesnt know how i feel?

Sanchpanch - But if you've begged him to come back already then surely he knows how you feel!

I know just need to get it into my head!!!! but i am thinking if this goes on a few more months and i havent told him how i feel in that time..... would he still try...