do i need answers to get closure????

[sanchpanch]

split up 2 months ago, have 2 girls
have begged and pleaded him back for last 2 months

have now found out he has been with someone else for last few weeks,

he didnt want to save our relationship yet has started new one,

would like to ask him why etc, but dont really know if i want to hear answers, as i dont want him to give me details about her

do i need to know answers for me to be able to move on or shall i just accept it how it is... and seem like it doesnt bother me

need advice before i ring him.....

That is terrible loulounz

VTM - I know what you mean. With my first serious relationship my ex always started silly arguments which ended up with him in a huff in the bedroom and me sitting in the livingroom really upset, wondering whether to just leave or go and apologise. Even though the arguments were rare, in all honesty, my fault. Always went through and made it up, he never came to me.

In the end of course I had enough of that and we broke up, he promised to change, admitting these arguments were his fault, but unfortunately he only changed for about 3 weeks.

I am glad you got through it!

To this day I still don't understand why he acted like that, it made neither of us happy.

gonna add my 2cent too!

at the beginning of the year, i split up with my ex (with the help of most of the mumsnetters on here!) and it took a while for me to realise it was the right thing. i know its a bit different as it was me who chose to leave him (although he chose to leave me to begin with)

i spent months begging before that, that i needed him, wanted him, all of that rubbish. when i came round to breaking up with him, i had so many things i wanted to say, to ask him. i wrote it all down with the purpose of sending it but i didnt as i realised i didnt need to know the answers. i just needed to learn from what happened and know better for next time.

hope that helps although you've had plenty of good advice before i posted

Sanchpanch - I too have a list of questions I think I need to know answers to, and yet I haven't asked 'dp' them not because I can't cope with the answers (I torture myself enough with thinking about it all anyway), but because of the way he answers them, as if it is all so irrelevant and why am I still bothered by it. I don't know if you are the same but I find when I talk to people about the situation they see him as being such a w*er, and as much as I know they just want me to feel better I can't help but still feel that underneath all this he is still a nice bloke. I know that probably sounds mad when they treat us so badly, and please don't all accuse us of being doormats, we are just trying to hold our families together!!!
People all ask me as well why would I want him back, but as a mother I would do anything to give my ds the stable family life I experienced, and up until recently I thought that is what he had too. It's not just about what I want!! Try and be strong, one day we will be happier than we are now, it's all uphill from here!!!

Weesaidie, with mine (and probably quite a few men out there) its an insecurity thing. He had been cheated on a bit before he was with me and i think sometimes, rather than face up to anything he just pushes things (or me) away. Or perhaps tries to get in first kind of thing than face rejection. The other reason he used to do (and he openly admits to this now) was just to hurt me because he felt hurt or rejected for whatever reason at the time.

As soon as i stopped biting the bait it panicked him into realising a few things. And now i try and make sure he doesnt feel so insecure etc.

We never let anything escalate that far these days anyway. 9 times out of 10 we'll be having a bit of a barney or strop and one of us will say something daft and we end up falling about laughing which diffuses things nicely to enable us to discuss things sensibly! Its our 10 year anniversary today.

(Sorry for thread hijack btw).

thanks benbenandme, for your words, you sound like you feel the same as me, people say to me why would i want him back after what he has done but i would, i struggle so much to raise girls on my own,

We have never had anything like this happen before to us, we had issues, like the fact that his mum was more important to him than we were, after his dad died in bad accident he feels like he should be there for his mum, which of course he should but not at the extreame of what it was,
And it tears me apart that he would nt try and work things out yet is in new relationship, and seems not to care about how i feel,
I am just having bad few days, went to sleep crying woke up crying, its just awful, I can only hope these feelings dont last,

I have managed to be stronger when i actually see him, but then i think i want him to see how much i am hurt and upset, otherwise he will think i am just fine, but then surely he isnt that stupid..

I agree with BenBen and you SP that you should do everything you can to keep your family together IF both of you are prepared to put in the effort and hard work it takes.

I felt just like you two - that I should do what I could and that my happiness was secondary to my dds' future etc. But my exp wasn't really prepared to try and you can't do it alone.

And I think what everyone here is trying to say is that once you are in that position then it's best to at least retain your dignity, accept what's happened and try and move on.

I have done that and it breaks my heart that my dds have no father around (he doesn't even see them - his choice). But they have me and I have done my very best to give them a good life with a happy, fulfilled Mum not a bitter, broken one.

Don't close the door on the possibility of your dhs coming back but that doesn't mean you can't look forward. your dhs have to WANT to work at it and make it work as much as you do or you are flogging a dead horse - I know I've been there!

Hi SP - had to disappear yesterday (so busy at work) yes you should get/have got an email from me.

I go to Gambado quite regularly at the moment - it's great to let dd run round while I sit drinking coffee and gossiping.

thanks list maker for the words - so true, but is so frustrating, when nothing really has happened to make it happen!!!!

benbenandme, how are things with you at the moment?

Sorry - thread hijack im afraid

Listmaker - did you DH play dad much when he was living with you or was he never really that bothered to begin with? Sorry for impertinent question - im just curious as to how these dads can just cut off contact like that - our kids are our world arent they.

mascara? do you go with friends to gambado, i wouldnt want to intrude, on you?

my children are 7 and 2, how about yours? and i am 29!!!!

Hi VTM. You can ask what you like!!

He was never really a hands on Dad no but he wasn't terrible either. He didn't REALLY want the kids I don't think. He already had 2 dds from his previous marriage. I made it clear from the very start that was what I wanted but then did have an unplanned pg with dd1 ( it was an accident but I think to this day he believes it wasn't). He did love dd1 but could detach from it in a way I never could. He would probably argue that I didn't let him get a look in and in a way I didn't but because a. I knew he wasn't that keen on having a baby so was trying to make sure his life wasn't affected too much (big mistake!!) and b. she was an easy baby and I was feeding her myself and coping well so just got on with it.

He left when dd2 was only 3 months old so never got to know her at all. I pity him because she's such a wonderful little person (as is dd1 of course!) and he is missing so much.

As you say I could NEVER do it. I hate being away for more than a night (in fact never have!). But he has managed to distance himself and persuade himself it's for the best, blames me for the atmosphere between me and him (I thought I was very poilte when he came round all things considered!) etc etc. He lives in Holland now anyway.

Sorry for thread hijack SP!!

Men can be sh*ts there's no doubt but I have a good one now so I know there is lots of hope!

where did you meet your new man?
and how is he with the children?

Its nice to know there is hope as i feel no one will take me on and 2 girls, this will probably kill my ex p, but he would just have to accept it

I also worry that one day he will regret all this when he truly realises what he has done, he obviously think that relationships dont need any effort - well he will be in for a shock!!!

Thats just mee all over worrying about him rather than thinking of myself!!!

Yeah stop worrying about him SP!! I thought my exp might have regrets one day but as far as I know he hasn't and I don't really give a sh*t anymore!!! I decided that ultimately I would be happy with a clear conscience and a good realtionship with my dds and he wouldn't!! That was enough for me!

I met my new dp via the internet (friends reunited dating site) a year ago last week!! I was on my own for 4.5 years. I did have the odd fling but found it really hard with my dds so young and found men without kids just had no idea! I had really totally given up but a friend nagged me to go on the dating site for a look. I went on and saw my dp and thought he looked and sounded nice and e-mailed him!! So went on just one date through it (him too) and we are MADLY in love!! So it can happen. Believe me I would never have imagined all this in a million years 5 years ago.

He is great with my dds but they are not the easiest to win over as they are both quite shy and reserved with new adults. He has 3 dds himself and they live with him 50% of the time (a total hands on Dad - wouldn't make that mistake again!!) and we all went on holiday this summer and got on great. We are hoping to move in together soon and I reckon he might just propose and at the grand old age of 41 I might get married one day!!! WOW!!

Anyway I don't want to sound boastful or smug because I realise I've been so lucky. Then again I served my time at the coalface as a single mum for 4.5 years so I desereve it I reckon!!!

You will get through this SP and you will have a lovely life!! You are really young with so much time!

You do absolutely deserve it, good for you, and all the best for the future xx

Thanks for answering listmaker. I have another question though - what does your DPs xpartner (mum of his DDs) think about all of this because she was you too at one point? Do you know?

Really sorry SP for hijacking. Please try not to feel worthless - you have a very worthwhile and ultimately rewarding position of bringing up your DD's (as hard as it will be for you). It takes time. Hang on in there, and be strong. x

I'm 27 have 1 dd who is 3. I go to Gambado with whoever really, have even been known to go on my own. Could meet you there one day?

Hi sanchpanch, yet another similarity in our situations - my dp also rates his mother as the be-all-and-end-all! Even when ds was 2 months old he told me his mother was as important to him as ds and I were, and could not understand why I thought ds should feature higher in his priorities. Not that his mother isn't important but to me the relationship with your only child comes above everyone and everything else!

Not had a bad day today, been at work (2 days a week,) so kept busy. I have signed up to sell Usborne books this week, not something I would ever have considered doing before but I am trying to think about how I can raise my income as I don't want to be financially dependent on him and I can build it around our life at times to suit me. It only cost £19 to get the starter kit so I thought I would give it a go! I don't know how it will work out but at the worst I lose £19, and hopefully I can make some money and at least feel as if I am doing something to help me feel better and feel as if I am starting to work towards providing ds and me with a better future - I want him to one day be proud of me and know I did everything to provide him with a good future!!

Hope you are having a good day!!

My xdh also thinks more of his mother than us too! She was a complete "B" to him at times but he still thought more of her!

Really struggling again today - I want some answers today to ask why he is now wanting to fight me and not give me and the dd's the financial support we deserve?! Why can't he be content on all the hurt he's caused in leaving us? Now he has to cause me more stress and worry about how I will support myself and dd's because he doesn't want to give us as much as he originally said he would! I know people are worse off than me and just get on with it, but he just seems to keep trampoling me down. I've lost every ounce of confidence I ever had and I've never been so negative in all my life. How can I snap out of this when he just keep throwing everything at me?

Can I ask how you all manage financially? I will have to return to work, but I just don't know how I will make ends meet.

hi all,
Yes ex dp mother has been very nasty to me, and i mean very nasty, even while i was pregnant, and i have always felt in competition to her, fighting for his attention, she cant do anything on her own he had to take her shopping, bank, hairdressers, everywhere, this had a huge impact on our relationship, maybe i am better off without him!!! and he spent a lot of time there, if he was ever away, she would expect him to go and see her first before coming to his family, the one time he came to us first she went mad at him!!!! theres loads i could go on all day about it but i wont!!!

I work 20 hours a week, 4 hours every morning, in the community, and i claim family tax credit, which helps pay towrds nursery,
It is a struggle but i manage,
I have always claimed tax credit, because ex dp didnt really live with us, he spent more time at his mums than with us, (dont believe i just wrote that, so ashamed to admit it but it is true, not ashamed about tax credit, ashamed that he never actually commited himself to us, and feels more guilty that he should be there more for his mum than me and girls)

I could cry after writing that................

Hi VTM and the rest of you!!

His exw and I are now really good friends actually after never really speaking in all the years I was with exp! During that time we always saw his dds although they were in Scotland and we are in Bristol. I think it was something I always expected and so he went along with it although it caused rows because he was always extra moody when they were down and left most of the childcare to me.

Since we split he has seen them less often (maybe once a year) but hasn't lost touch but they were nearly teenagers by then so would phone him anyway. Also the exw was more pushy about insisting he have them. Mine were too young and I admit I wouldn't let him take them off anywhere without me (well he'd been too hands off and dd1 (2 at the time) was a mummy's girl and dd2 was only 3 months and being fed by me etc.

How I managed financially was that I was lucky enough to have quite a well paid job and I worked 2 days a week. I could just about manage on this because my Mum looked after the dds so I had no childcare costs and also my Dad gave me some money to help. Now they are both at school and I work 4 days a week which makes life much easier.

I don't know how you cope with these MILs!!! My exp was the complete opposite. His Mum was also in Scotland so we hardly ever saw her and he rarely if ever rang her. They were not at all close. I don't know how you stand it! If I had ds's I would never expect them to put me before his family. My brother adores my Mum but even he has never put her before his wife and kids. My Mum wouldn't let him anyway.

SP - the more I hear about your ex the more I really think you're going to be so much better off without him!!