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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do i need answers to get closure????

72 replies

sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 14:11

split up 2 months ago, have 2 girls
have begged and pleaded him back for last 2 months

have now found out he has been with someone else for last few weeks,

he didnt want to save our relationship yet has started new one,

would like to ask him why etc, but dont really know if i want to hear answers, as i dont want him to give me details about her

do i need to know answers for me to be able to move on or shall i just accept it how it is... and seem like it doesnt bother me

need advice before i ring him.....

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/09/2005 15:10

i will offer ultimatley really base gut reaction rather than considered post.

read your other thread - didnt post ( i dont think) until today. but read and watched hoping things would turn out ok for you.

thing is the mans a twat. - you should never EVER beg anyone for anything ( save food or medical care for your children should it ever come to it) but never beg a man to stay with you.

you should really organise that he has the kids overnight at weekends. they are still his responsability and he should know what hard work is any any shag piece he has would have to see him mon through thursday becuase he would be busy with screaming kids and shitty nappies all weekend. then you can go out.

dont fight for him back. say you got him back tomorrow - how long are you going to be on pins? how long are you going to try and create a mary poppins trouble stress free environment for him so he will stay and love you?

how about getting a fella who will love you through everything life throws at you - and if you cant find one - then there is no one worthy of your love and your time and your self esteem and your self respect.

if he came back tomorrow all crying and "i love you" you would have to spend the next 20 years keeping the kids quiet - trying to create happy times, trying to stop the kids crying or bothering him. would you make all his meals and clean all the house and let him watch whatever he wanted on the telly? would you let him go out drinking thurs fri sat and sun ignore the possible infidelities - so you can keep him happy and make him stay.

if you think your a doormat - people will walk on you. if you think you are in a different legue to most other women - men will aspire for you and women will aspire to be you.

think classy. think self respect. think fuck him over - get all his free cash and spoil his weekends - but dahling do it with a smile - and never let him know whats going on in your life - because who you should chose to fuck is quite frankly no concern of his. so no hints to make him jealous - becuase he should be considered a past relationship and the only tie he has to you is because of the children.

dont play games with him. becuase he is a low life crap head. and you are so much better than he is. raise your head high ( screw him over as previously mentioned) and be classy.

there will be a day when he has 6 children by 4 different mothers when he will never amount to anything becuase all his wages will be sucked into paying for them. he will wish he had kept his dickin his pants and you will know he will never amount to anything.

i would make for the solicitors to draw up an agreement as to when he can have the children and what he will be expected to pay - if you are married please instigate divorce the mans a shit.

Toothache · 26/09/2005 15:11

If he wanted to come back after a few months then I'm sure he would try! Would you want him back after he has been with this other woman?

Toothache · 26/09/2005 15:12

Custardo - Bravo!

sykes · 26/09/2005 15:14

Sandpach, if his current behaviour is any indication of his character then of course he'll try. He's selfish, he's doing exactly what he wants despite all the hurt he's causing. If he wants to come back he'll find a way to do it - look at what he's doing now. You have to try and stop thinking about ways to get him back because I really don't think they'll work. He's doing what he wants and no amount of begging, pleasing or illustrations of how much you love and miss him are likely to make any difference to his entirely selfish behaviour. I'm sorry.

vickitiredmum · 26/09/2005 15:18

Here here Custy - Sanchpanch - custardo is right im afraid (if not a little blunt ).

Was going to suggest you ask him to babysit/have kids overnight so you can get some of your life back.

vickitiredmum · 26/09/2005 15:20

oh and check out this thread just so you know what could be out there for you

MascaraOHara · 26/09/2005 15:21

SanchPanch - don't beg him back - come out with me and some other single mums I know and we'll get drunk and put the world to rights!

madmarchhare · 26/09/2005 15:21

Absolutely dito Custardo + if you asked questions and got answers there would always be more. Drop it, and him, like a tonne of bricks.

Caligula · 26/09/2005 15:24

Listen to Custardo!

LRKIDS · 26/09/2005 15:29

Agree with custardo, well said.

Original poster
sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 15:32

mascara are you in cranfield? im in milton keynes, have replied to others of yours but no joy?

custado= dont know what to say to that, but thanks for taking time to post

OP posts:
Toothache · 26/09/2005 15:34

Sanchpanch - I get the impression that you really just want someone here to say go ahead and keep begging, he'll come back eventually!

Deep down you must know that isn't true and you must see that you need to regain some of your self respect back. He is shagging someone else now.... why would you want him to come back to you?

MascaraOHara · 26/09/2005 15:34

yes I'm in Cranfield. I mentioned on the thread about lone parents support group..

Sorry I lose track with who's from where on here so it's not until I see the place that I think - ooo that's near me!

CAT me if you want to

Original poster
sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 15:38

no i dont want people to say keep begging

I just wanted some reasurrace that i am doing right thing in stopping it as it wont make any difference, this weekend i didnt say much to him at all when he dropped girls back

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 15:39

sorry dont know how to CAT, have seen it on here loads but dont know what it is!!!!

OP posts:
sykes · 26/09/2005 15:40

You're doing the right thing, it's the first step, honestly. Now start to plan your weeks/months out - friends over/staying with friends, nice things to do with your children at w/ends etc. It really helped me and I'm sure helped the girls as well. How are your children coping?

MascaraOHara · 26/09/2005 15:46

I've CAT you, if you don't want to reply don't feel you have to! Have you heard of Gambado?

Original poster
sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 15:52

so will i get email from you or something?

yes have heard of it , not been yet though, you have to pay a joining fee then pay each time you go, it looks good if you make a day of it, have you looked at there website?

OP posts:
Original poster
sanchpanch · 26/09/2005 15:57

and i guess he could make any crap up if i ask him for answers

OP posts:
weesaidie · 26/09/2005 16:24

Totally agree with custardo. If someone loves you and wants be be with you and is WORTH IT then won't have to beg and plead with them.

vickitiredmum · 26/09/2005 17:14

As an add on to the begging thing - when me and my DP had a rough patch 6 years ago he regularly used to use the "if thats how you feel im going/we may as well split up then/ive had enough blah blah blah" in rows. I always used to go all daft and cry and get hysterical (and do the begging thing ). We got through it eventually but i have to say that when i decided to stop begging/crying if he used one of the above phrases it panicked him so much he bucked his ideas and he has never said it since. He only said it because he felt insecure but its not the point. Anyway, i hope you understand the point im trying to make here

ninah · 26/09/2005 17:27

Custardo that's a great post. Sanchp I think you'll have a much nicer time out with Mascara!

MrsMiggins · 26/09/2005 17:53

I think deep down we all agree with Custardo.
Very sensible things written there (which I am going to reread & try to listen myself

On Richard & Judy today they showed a clip from some film where the woman said the art of seduction is not to do what ever makes a man happy but to do whatever makes YOU happy - this makes men want you.
they are strange creatures....

I hope it works out for you....

loulounz · 26/09/2005 19:03

Second all Sykes comments.

Sanchpanch - being a little further down the line than you and having made lots of mistakes! I would say don't beg him any more - I did too much begging for all the same reasons as you - to keep my family together.

My dh did come back for 8 weeks - he filled my head with the "I love you, I miss you, god you look sexy now" crap etc - I believed every word because I wanted too and I let him back in my life. In reality nothing changed for me in the marriage - he did even more of what he pleased and I let him for fear he would leave me again, I did EVERYTHING to try and please him and make myself happier as well, but he just didn't change and that actually made me unhappier. He still kept in touch with his ex (which I had asked him not to and he swore he wouldn't!) and in the end I just exploded and threw him out.

Yes, I'm still having a bad time and yes, I still (on occasions, although these are getting rarer) would have him back IF HE CHANGED AND CONTRIBUTED MORE TO THE MARRIAGE TO MAKE ME HAPPY AS WELL.

I find it extremely difficult bringing up my two dd's on my own (3 and 1) - even more so as I have no friends and family remotely close by. All my support is by telephone or Mumsnet.

I don't want to say that this will be what happens to you because each relationship is different but that's what happened to me - he wanted to have his cake and eat it (like already suggested).

He is not the man I married or even the man that left me 10 months ago - he is nasty, arrogant, spineless - do I need to go on? Only really nice when he wants something from me or it's to do with the dd's. From other people I've spoken to a lot of them go through this nasty stage - don't think they like it when we stand up for ourselves and they can't have their own way!!

So be strong and move on with your life and if it is meant to be it will (whatever the timeframe and if you decide you really want a man who can do that to you and your girls back!) You are doing so much better than me at the "strong" thing and much quicker than me to, so don't give in to him.

loulounz · 26/09/2005 19:06

Forgot to add - I asked for answers and eventually found out about his x having been on the scene for most of our marriage! Something I really didn't want to hear when his leaving me was still so raw - wasn't strong enough to deal with that on top of everything else - it tore me apart!