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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband being very cruel

58 replies

MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 17:54

I intervened when my DH called DD a stupid girl, he was shouting because she couldnt understand her maths and he lost his temper, admittedly she was being disinterested but thats besides the point. He told me to butt out. The he threw her book down and told her to get out of his sight. I tried talking to him and telling him it is wrong to talk to her like that, it will effect her confidence etc (she is already shy and not overly confident). This happened on sunday evening, since then he has not bothered to say goodbye to her in the morning (always through the bathroom door) as she gets ready for school and he is going off to work and he has also totally blanked me too, albeit I have also ignored him as I was talking to him on sunday evening about his behaviou when he just walked out of the room. This also happened in front of my 11yr old son. DH is a very controlling person and I feel sick and upset that he has treated us both this way, particularly my DD, any advice on what to do? I cannot face another row (he is always right) and belittles me and twists words so that everything is my fault.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 17:58

You poor thing. He sounds horrible. And your poor children Xmas Sad

Are you really asking for advice or just wanting to vent about him?

What sort of advice are you wanting ?

Original poster
MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 18:00

Advice, I am totally ignoring him at the moment as he is me but this cant go on, its not pleasant but I dont want it turning into a fight either.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 18:03

If it always turns into a fight, then you are (literally) stuck, aren't you ?

If he always turns it back on you (and you accept it) then nothing will change.

He will carry on being nasty to all of you, and your children will carry on losing their confidence (and you will carry on dying inside)

There is only one direction I am going to go with this, but I don't know enough about you (and whether you really want to hear it)

Original poster
MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 18:07

You are going to say leave aren't you. He has so many other good qualities it makes it hard for me to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 18:08

Do his other good qualities get cancelled out by his bad treatment of our DD? I just dont know anymore. He has called her stupid or asked her 'are you stupid?' a number of times before and I have always asked him not to.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 18:09

A man who ignores his own daughter is not a good father.

A man who ignores and controls his wife by emotionally abusing her, and turns every argument back on her is not a good father.

A man who undermines his dc's confidence and then refuses to accept it is not a good father.

He will sulk until he thinks you are all back "in line" and you will sweep it under the carpet. Is that good way for a family to function ? A good lesson for your children in how to resolve conflict, and how women should be treated ?

Am still not really sure what "advice" you need, other than for you to seriously assess what you are all getting out of this relationship.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 18:10

Do his other good qualities get cancelled out by his bad treatment of our DD?

yes, absolutely

sfxmum · 07/12/2010 18:11

whatever good qualities he has it is important that you protect your children first

would he recognise his behaviour is not appropriate and would he be ready to address it? if not those good qualities have to be quite phenomenal

Doha · 07/12/2010 18:11

Any man who can who can treat his DD so cruelly and ignore his DW cam't have many redeeming features. His behaviour is juvenille and the lowest of the low.

I would bet this isn't the first time he has behaved like this.

Your poor DD she must be devastated.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:11

MoreTeaVicar,

A direct question to you. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship and controlling behaviours like the ones he displays are all abusive behaviours.

He can control this and he chooses not to with you all. He's not like this with the wider world is he?. Bet you he is the pillar of respectability to outsiders. Like many abusive men they are all very plausible to the outside world. You are all being bullied and emotionally abused by this individual.

Damaging lessons regarding relationships are being taught to your children here and if you do not act decisively they could well go onto repeat these same patterns as adults. You are all victims of this controlling person.

You may also want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Would you be prepared to separate from him?. You'd all be better off without his malign daily prescence in your lives in the future. Such men do not change, infact their behaviours often escalate.

You may also want to call Womens Aid for more advice.

Counselling solely for your own self would be helpful but joint counselling would not. Relate would not counsel you both together anyway as there is ongoing abuse being meted out to you and your children.

Original poster
MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 18:13

He lost his temper because of her attitude, however I know he should not be ignoring her, its not right. Usually he is a good father.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:17

"You are going to say leave aren't you. He has so many other good qualities it makes it hard for me to go".

What other good qualities does he have exactly?. I see no direct evidence here. These men do a nice/nasty cycle all the time; that cycle is a continuous one.

Its not entirely your fault you got sucked into something like this (such abuse is insidious in its onset) but now you are beginning to realise the stranglehold he is having on this broken family unit (and yes it is broken by his very actions) of yours, you must act decisively.

Would you want your children to repeat such relationship patterns as adults?. No?. Well you're currently showing them that this ill treatment is acceptable.

No-one, repeat no-one, benefits from being in such an abusive relationship.

You have a choice ultimately re your man; your children have no say.

Taghain · 07/12/2010 18:18

He lost his temper because he couldn't get her to do what he wanted, her attitude is a response to him: she's beginning to learn about blanking people.

You either have to make him listen (but I have no idea how) or find a way of protecting your children form him.

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2010 18:18

He will find your dd more trying as she gets older and approaches teens. Do you want this then?

Dies he ever get rough or violent when he 'loses his temper'. ? Does he apologise ever?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:20

MTV

I was waiting for the "Usually he is a good father" line. And here it now is.

Women in such abusive relationships often write such sentimental nonsense (and sorry but it is an excuse as well as nonsense) purely because they themselves can say nothing at all positive about their man.

What is he teaching your children about relationships here?. You as well are imparting damaging lessons to these young people as they could well go onto repeat these same patterns as adults. Your children as well won't thank you for remaining with such an individual if you were to remain together for the long haul; they could well accuse you of putting him before them. You do run that particular risk.

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2010 18:20

And he's already abusive before you answer that.

booyhohoho · 07/12/2010 18:23

he is damaging your daughter. this will remain in her memory forever. trust me i know. if you let this continue your DD will constantly be trying to gain teh approval of a man who has no interest in giving it. please change this for your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:24

"He lost his temper because of her attitude"

No moreteavicar, he lost his temper at her because he could no longer control her and she did not bend to his will. She blanked him and being controlling, he requires obedience at all times. Small wonder therefore he went as mad as he did; its a complete overreaction.

I bet you a crisp £5 he is all sweetness and light to the outside world. His family take the brunt of his abuse meted out.

You cannot just sit back now. He needs to be out of the marital home and gone asap and I never write that at all lightly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:26

MTV

If your daughter goes onto meet a controlling boyfriend it will be partly because of what she is witnessing at home.

He will damage your son as well in a similar way; your son will learn to act like his Dad and you will be despised.

For these two children you must act decisively.

GypsyMoth · 07/12/2010 18:28

I wonder if he tells his work colleagues they are 'stupid' at work??

PressureDrop · 07/12/2010 18:28

I agree with the others, MTV.

I know it is hard to hear.

From what you have said, your DH sounds emotionally abusive.

If he cannot control his temper around a child, and resorts to name-calling, followed by ignoring tactics - he has serious issues.

I can only try to put myself in your position but I know - hand on heart, 100% - I would not have my DH or anyone treat me or (crucially) my children that way.

I would be out (or have him out) in a shot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2010 18:32

MTV

You may think my comments are very harsh, perhaps too direct. Well truth hits everybody and there is no way I am going to sugar coat this.

My thoughts are with your children who are also being subjected to all this abusive behaviour by their father; they do not have a choice but you at the end of the day do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 18:48

I have been in this daughters position

This scenario was my childhood

I have no respect for my father, and precious little more for my mother

She did have a choice, she knew what he put us through as children, but she stayed anyway (and of course, we continued to be subjected to his treatment, having no choice in the matter)

Original poster
MoreTeaVicar · 07/12/2010 19:15

Thank you for your comments everyone. I will think long and hard and see if me and DH can have a talk tonight.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 19:18

Good luck, MTV x

I j=hope you can get through to him, and more importantly, that he can change his behaviour in the long term (just being nice for a few days won't cut it, I'm afraid)

my Dad "tried" for years...a few days was the best he could manage, waiting for the next outburst was actually soul-destroying