Husband being very cruel

[MoreTeaVicar]

I intervened when my DH called DD a stupid girl, he was shouting because she couldnt understand her maths and he lost his temper, admittedly she was being disinterested but thats besides the point. He told me to butt out. The he threw her book down and told her to get out of his sight. I tried talking to him and telling him it is wrong to talk to her like that, it will effect her confidence etc (she is already shy and not overly confident). This happened on sunday evening, since then he has not bothered to say goodbye to her in the morning (always through the bathroom door) as she gets ready for school and he is going off to work and he has also totally blanked me too, albeit I have also ignored him as I was talking to him on sunday evening about his behaviou when he just walked out of the room. This also happened in front of my 11yr old son. DH is a very controlling person and I feel sick and upset that he has treated us both this way, particularly my DD, any advice on what to do? I cannot face another row (he is always right) and belittles me and twists words so that everything is my fault.

notsocrates, I would love DH to taqlk to a counsellor but I know it will never happen. The best I can do is ask him to read this thread but I fear it will go down like a ton of bricks (bored housewives giving crap advice)! Not my sentiments I might add but something which he may feel.

I understand where everyone is coming from with their comments about DH being verbally abusive and yes I do agree (I have been on the end of it more times than I care to remember) BUT, I have to say in his defence, he does not normally verbally abuse DD or DS, he did lose his temper and admits it. Where I have a problem is that he doesn't accept that name calling is damaging and does'nt agree that it was wrong to ignore DD for 2 days. Generally he is a very good father but like the best of us, he will lose his temper from time to time (I also say it is not often at all). I am not excusing him because I so do not agree or like his stonewalling me or DD. I am still hoping to find a way to make him understand that his behaviour re this incident is damaging and must not happen again. I shout (we all shout) and lose our temper but I would never ignore my child afterwards whereas DH thinks how can you be cross with them one minute and loving them the next, he just doesn't get it.

I have to find a way around this. The issue is not continual verbal abuse albeit he can dish it out when he is cross.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie I so understand your posts, I really do but that being said I am not about to jump up and leave over this. I appreciate your points but DH is generally there for us all and gives his best. None of us are perfect and I have had my 'shouting moments' but its the extreme different points of view I am currently trying to tackle. Believe me, if I thought for one minute this was affecting my DC I would be gone.

he lost his temper "because she couldnt understand her maths".

that's not right is it?

is that how he deals with his subordinates at work?

what was the real reason?
stress elsewhere?
cant stand "stupid people"?
worried she wont get a job/go to uni?

i dont get it - you can "excuse" losing temper over certain things, sometimes - but over a child struggling with her homework?

anyway, so long as you dont think it is affecting DD then i guess it is ok...but maybe you need to keep a log each day of just how often and for what reason he loses his temper and at who...

if was one off - fine - but one off losing temper/shouting - "normal" people wont keep that grudge going for two / three days - it will be five minutes or half an hour later:

"sorry DD i shouted, let's hug and make up, let's sit and watch TV together" .

that is the problem here - not per se that he "lost his temper" (tho i find it unforgiveable to do that over homework...) but what happened afterwards - that was cruel and heartless - and if he hasnt apologised for his behaviour then it stil is....and is hard to think the atmosphere in the house is now all loving and hunkydory. but if it is - well great.

you refer to him as controlling that you dont want another argument -another one to this week's or another in a series? etc.

start a log/diary - in one two or three months time you will have a clearer picture - and then you can come back and say SEE! it was a one off! it's all been fine and lovely since then...

"Believe me, if I thought for one minute this was affecting my DC I would be gone".

Well his behaviour already is affecting them but you are still there and he is still verbally bullying and silencing you all into submission. Your house is not the sanctuary it is supposed to be.

Your poor children are bearing the brunt of all this and you are unable to see this for what it really is.

I smiled wryly to myself when I saw this comment from you:-

"I have to find a way around this"

Why are you taking full ownership/responsibility for his bullying?. He is patently not interested in acting in any other manner.

The fact too that you have the Lundy Bancroft book under your bed is a sign that you knew that something was not right within your relationship.

'where i have problem is that he doesn't accept that name calling is damaging'.
I agree with you on this.

'..if i thought for one minute this was affecting my dc..'.

It doesn't show immediately, it can come up many years later. Two posters here have said that (both in their 40s i think) .

Losing your temper once and being aware of that or shouting once and then regret it is one thing. Name calling is another thing. In my opinion very serious one. People remember if they have been called stupid many years later.

If he is such a good father then surely he should listen or read about his dcs emotional wellbeing? .

What are you going to do? Have you got any other idea/strategy?

MTV...I am not telling you to leave him. It isn't up to me to tell you what to do. Like any intelligent woman, you should take what you need from every post to get a balanced outlook.

NS referred to my personal experience so I filled in the gaps a bit more. My mother should have left. I am giving my viewpoint as a child from aimilar-sounding household (based on the limited info on here). It is up to you how you fill in your gaps.

I will add just one thing before I leave you to it.

My father would be verbally abusive one minute, and then not understand why I started cold-shouldering him . He wanted to sweep it under the carpet when he was in an "up" mood, and I could not do it. I just couldn't, the resentment was too much for a child to let go of. All the onus was on me to "get over it". Well, I couldn't, not even to please my mother. And 40 years later, I still can't (where he is concerned).

My sister could. She has a better r'ship with him than I do (virtually non-existent).

similar sounding

MTV - if there is one thing you should take away from this thread, and truly think about very carefully, it's the fact that there is no doubt that your husband's reaction/behaviour to your daughter over the issue of her homework will have had a negative impact on your daughter. Likely a lasting negative impact. It will impact her self worth, and it will impact her future relationships.

I am also speaking from experience on this one, as a grown woman, who had a childhood with a father similar to the one you are describing.

It is true that you cannot change/control your H's behaviour, nor does it seem likely that he will seek to correct his world view on things. But you can control your own actions and behaviours. So, how are you going to help your daughter? If you don't, I can promise you this will play out in years to come.

I'm sorry to be blunt.