Children of toxic parents..am I a toxic parent? Long-sorry

[hopelessmummy]

I hope you can help me. I don't know how to make this better.

I have a very poor relationship with my son who I love to bits but he constantly tells me how horrible I am ( in his eyes) and how much he dislikes me. I don't know if he really means this or if it's meant to wind me up and hurt me for past behaviour between us.

He is 24 and has been back at home for 2 years after 4 years at uni. He never earned enough to move out but has just got a good job so will be leaving soon.

The history is this. When he was a child he had problems including ADHD, mild dyslexia, mild dyspraxia, a chronic sleep problem akin to insomnia ( which he still has), food allergies which needed a special diet, and on top of that he was classed as gifted.

The moment his sister was born- there is just a 2 year gap- he became very demanding- and jealous. To call him a "live wire" is a gross underestimation. He used to spend all his time provoking her, hitting her and generally making her and my life hell- until they were both late teens.

I meanwhile was bringing him up almost alone as my DH worked overseas a lot, I was frustrated by only working very part time ( my choice but I found it hard) and battling with 2 chronic health problems of my own.

In short, I was snappy and bad tempered much of the time. Utterly at my wits end and almost suicidal some days. To give you an example, if I told my son he couldn't go out somewhere he would climb out a bathroom window. I also criticised my DH in front of my son for not taking a stronger line - DH is very placid, overly tolerant, not very good at expressing emotion or anger, and avoids confrontation.

This nearly split us up many times- and may still do as I bear resentment for where we are now.

Now though DH and son are best mates and my son likes nothing better than to get dad on "his side" talk to him like a mate, and criticise me to him in front of me. DH tells him not to, but not as strongly or firmly as i think he should- certainly not enough to make my son stop, as this carries on daily.

My BF sums it up by saying that I am the strongest one in the family and my son resents this, which is why he sides with his dad so they can "join forces" against me.

Last night we were having a mild argument over something ( my son and I) and he called me a stupid cow, in front of and to my DH, and DH just mutters "don't talk like that". nothing more.

At every opportunity my son tells me how much he dislikes me, has no respect for me etc- yet will still have the nerve to ask me for favours such as lifts out at night and drop offs at the station. (He has a car but won't ( sensibly) drink a drop and drive.)

I don't know if he does really hate me, but he seems in complete denial over his part in it all. Whenever I try to remind him of how he was when he was younger he simply says I have spent 24 years "being horrible to him" and that I am a "horrible person".

I don't know how to build bridges and if we ever can. My BF says he will never understand until one day he might have kids of his own.

Any ideas?

And tbh fair, I don't think he enjoys being hurtful, I think it is the only thing he knows!

'Besides, having a personality disorder and having a difficult parent are not mutually exclusive. Quite the opposite, in fact.'

I agree. I also agree with you, differentname that what children need is for their parents to be receptive to their feelings and to say sorry for the things that went wrong. A toxic parent won't do this - they will put all the blame on their child and be defensive to the end.

Sounds familiar. Op,you asked for opinions and advice,but your responses tell me that really you just wanted mollification and probation,and to be told it was all your son and Dh's fault. Well yes,they play a part,but so do you. A massive one. And you need to take responsibility for that and deal with it. And fgs,stop blaming humor his behaviour as a CHILD,holding that against him and telling him he has to acknowledge that souls just awful. (Suspiciously like the sort of thing my parents would do actually.)

I dont feel qualified to comment about whats happened in the past , but i think this is pretty awful behaviour from both your son and your husband actually.

If he found things tough in the past that doesnt give him the right to be abusive to you , hes a grown man now and chooses how to behave . I wonder if your guilt about this is excusing his behaviour .

I would have a firm conversation with your H , stating you want more support , because at the minuite hes making it clear that he supports his son in his poor treatment of you and thats not ok . In fact if your H cant show you a bit of respect id stop doing anything for him as well.

I would not drive him anywhere , and id cancel his insurance and stop doing anything at all for him. While you might have been stressed with a boisterous defiant child , it doesnt sound like you were beating him daily or abusing him , im sure you did the best you could at the time , like we all do.

I cant see anywhere that you are toxic , but rather that you were basicly a single parent struggling with a child who was hard work with little support from your husband ,and you sometimes felt resentfull of this. Well i would too , whether thats acceptable to say or not.

I think until your son grows up a bit its going to be impossible to have any real sort of relationship with him , he seems quite intent on beating you with this " you were horrible " stick.

I have found this thread really useful to sort out in my head a couple of things I have been doing with my son.

Also, I completely agree with roseability, that what happens when you have been badly parented is not that you shrug your shoulders and say 'yes I get it now' - that happens when you have had teenage spats with a normal loving parent who perhaps wouldn't bow to your every whim.

In fact you feel every injustice a hundred times keener, and the anger is hard to contain.

But since we don't know, that might not apply to the OP.