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Original poster

Would you date a 32 year old man whose longest term relationship was 8 mos.? He's slept w/ 20 women and says he is almost always the one to leave.

54 replies

Banks · 05/12/2010 20:20

When he says that kind of thing, he's basically telling me that there's no hope, right?

By the by, this is kind of a follow up to this post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1095799-I-have-been-seeing-a-guy-for-1-5-months-He-still-doesnt-know-Im-divorcing

Yesterday I told the guy I've been seeing for a little over a month and a half that I'm getting a divorce. I'd been freaking out about having concealed it from him but when I told him he said it was ok, that it didn't matter or change things. Which was a relief. But then it opened up the past relationship discussion and he told me what you read in the subject line-- that he's never had a real LTR (except for the 8 month one where she dumped him) and that he normally ends up being the one to leave.

The trickier part of this situation is that we both have plans to leave the country soon. I was intending to go at the end of Jan. before I met him. Now that I am very interested in him, I was thinking about staying. He has to leave at the end of May as his visa is up (he's Icelandic and has been in the States for 7 years and has been denied an additional extension). He has been applying for positions all over the EU.

As way of background about him, he is brilliant. He's a Fulbright scholar who is working on a post doc in theoretical physics at a very prestigious university. His work is his whole life. He literally spends anywhere from 80-100 hours a week on it. He is very sweet and thoughtful and very, very very good in bed but is -extremely- emotionally closed off. He likes to keep little secrets (e.g. the other day I asked him how to properly pronounce his weird Icelandic name and he said it was secret, ha). We spend most of our time together talking about random things that are happening in the world, big political concepts, his work, etc. There is never really any talk of emotions.

My problem is that I tend to mirror the person I'm with so I can't really bring myself to break the emotional ice. Yesterday I wanted to tell him how I felt about him-- that I fell in love at first sight and that I want to be with him wherever he ends up but I couldn't.

I have no idea how to proceed with this. Sorry if this makes no sense and thanks for reading anyway. I'm so sad right now and I'm not even sure why.

OP posts:
mylifewithstrangers · 05/12/2010 20:21

Sounds like good friend material, but not a keeper - sorry

gingerwig · 05/12/2010 20:23

yes

darleneconnor · 05/12/2010 20:23

to be brutally honest he doesn't sound like good husband/father material, sorry

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 05/12/2010 20:24

You have to do what you think is right. It does sound to me as though he has deep emotional issues hidden away though so it's not going to be plain sailing. If he's planning to leave the UK then he's not looking for a long term relationship with anyone, don't think that he will change his plans for you. 6 weeks isn't a very long time. You are still on an emotional rollercoster yourself so maybe some time alone will help you to work out where you want to go with your life. I think that you have to heal yourself before you even attempt to heal anyone else.

MisSalLaneous · 05/12/2010 20:24

No.

Reality · 05/12/2010 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:27

darleneconnor,

Why not?

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster, I guess I have no idea what's right right now. Should I perhaps suck it up and have a really straighforward discussion with him about how I feel about him? I was intending to leave as well, and I just sorta wanted to be gone for a change of scenery so in some ways it feels like ideal fate to meet him now...

Another thing about him that might be pertinent is that his dad died when he was 13 and I think it really affected him in lots of ways. That is one emotional topic that he talks about a lot...

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 05/12/2010 20:27

Sorry - it doesn't sound too good, he sounds a really interesting person to be around and the emotionless thing could well be to do with his culture (I have Scandanavian friends who are quite similar)...but if his work is his world, then that is likle to come before any realtionship. Early days yet but has he given any indication on how he sees things going? Be careful and try and protect yourself.

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:28

Reality, I forgot to mention that the girl he was in the 8month relationship with broke his heart. So he is capable of being involved emotionally...

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 05/12/2010 20:29

When i met my now dh he was 37 and his longest relationship had been six months. That was ten years ago. So yes i would.

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:29

Antalya1,

I am actually half Scandinavian by blood and culture (Norwegian and not Icelandic) and so, yeah, I think you're right and that part of it is cultural. He has not really indicated where he sees things going unless you count the fact that we both bring up that we're both intending to leave a lot.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2010 20:30

Just shag him for a while but don't put your own plans to one side for him.

That would be mistake. Carry on with what you were going to do before and harden your own heart a bit. If you can't do that, best to let it go, tbh.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 05/12/2010 20:31

To be blunt, he's telling you here that he's not interested in a long term relationship with you. He's not let you get to know him and he's planning on leaving the UK. He may make a good friend but I wouldn't expect anything more then this. Sorry.

strandedatseasonsgreetings · 05/12/2010 20:32

Blimey I think he sounds great - interesting, good in bed, bright, what's not to like? He's young, he's a worker - why does it matter so much that he hasn't had a long term relationship? I'm not saying marry him, but give the bloke a chance. And not all men "open up" as quickly as women would like them too. Actually not all women "open up" either. If a man had told me after a few weeks that he had fallen in love with me at first sight I would have run a mile. But perhaps a year or two later I would have been fine with it!

Secrettoshare · 05/12/2010 20:34

He sounds like an utter tosser.

ChippingIn · 05/12/2010 20:34

I wouldn't want to be with someone so emotionally closed off. You were worried about telling him and he basically said 'I don't care' which to me says, so long as you are available for a bit of fun I don't care what your status is.

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:35

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster, This is what I worry about. Then again, I tend to say that kind of thing to men at the outset and I'm only trying to protect myself from getting hurt or looking too desperate. I wonder if he isn't doing the same thing?

strandedatseasonsgreetings, He is kinda everything I've always wanted, yeah. The only trick is that I have to firm up my plans like NOW and the only reason I would stay would be for him. That's it. I have to move as my lease is up at the end of Jan. and my landlord wants to sell the flat and it would really suck to move all of my crap somewhere else and then be left with no man stuck in a city I'm really sick of.

OP posts:
BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 05/12/2010 20:38

I wouldn't spend time trying to analyse him, it'll just drive you round the bend. Don't change your life for a man that you hardly know. If you want to leave then do, don't follow him though as you will find yourself in a country you didn't plan on being in and with no one to turn to.

strandedatseasonsgreetings · 05/12/2010 20:42

Agree with Belle - don't follow him. But I am an old romantic at heart and perhaps he's worth persisting with down the old long-distance route? Do we know what he would think of this?

Put it like this - would you regret it if you decided to never see him again?

Oh and finally as I'm riding down cliche lane this evening, if it's meant to be....

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:48

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster,

I guess I was looking at changing my life in one way or another anyway. I was heading to another EU country where I know very few people anyway so what's one instead of another really? Ha.

strandedatseasonsgreetings,

I have no idea what he thinks about that, actually.

And, yes, I would hugely regret it if I never saw him again.

OP posts:
strandedatseasonsgreetings · 05/12/2010 20:51

Banks - I think you know what you want to do, you were just looking for validation from the MN jury. But while we can look at this starkly and many are going to say "run a mile" none of us are feeling towards this man what you are crrently feeling - love, lust, giddiness or whatever. I think you need to decide for yourself what to do. And talk to him about it for goodness sake - don't just follow him, you'll look like a mad stalker!

HowsTheSerenity · 05/12/2010 20:54

Swap the genders and you have me.
According to MN I have no potential Wink

Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:55

strandedatseasonsgreetings, Ha, you're right. I know what I want to do but I also know that it's probably not a good idea. I would NOT just follow him somewhere. He knows where I want to go and why I want to go there and while there's some small chance he might end up there, well, that's the only place I'd go without him.

I'm just scared to talk to him about it I guess. I sorta feel like he's the type who can only be opened up with a lot of time, which is what I don't have unless I stay here for longer just to try... But then it's not a sure thing and I might end up more miserable having a failed relationship on my hands and being in a place I don't like.

Do you guys think I should force myself to be totally blunt with him? Or should I keep playing it cool?

OP posts:
Original poster
Banks · 05/12/2010 20:55

HowsTheSerenity,

Really? Do you think you have potential to be in a long term relationship?

OP posts:
HowsTheSerenity · 05/12/2010 21:03

Banks - I do. Just never had the opportunity. Single for most of my twenties (fat and low self esteem) and the two long term relationships (well for me), one ended when the man said he loved me and I freaked out and the other one I loved and he loved me but he did not want to be in a long term relationship again.

Now I am 31 and would love to settle down with someone.