Would you date a 32 year old man whose longest term relationship was 8 mos.? He's slept w/ 20 women and says he is almost always the one to leave.

[Banks]

When he says that kind of thing, he's basically telling me that there's no hope, right?

By the by, this is kind of a follow up to this post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1095799-I-have-been-seeing-a-guy-for-1-5-months-He-still-doesnt-know-Im-divorcing

Yesterday I told the guy I've been seeing for a little over a month and a half that I'm getting a divorce. I'd been freaking out about having concealed it from him but when I told him he said it was ok, that it didn't matter or change things. Which was a relief. But then it opened up the past relationship discussion and he told me what you read in the subject line-- that he's never had a real LTR (except for the 8 month one where she dumped him) and that he normally ends up being the one to leave.

The trickier part of this situation is that we both have plans to leave the country soon. I was intending to go at the end of Jan. before I met him. Now that I am very interested in him, I was thinking about staying. He has to leave at the end of May as his visa is up (he's Icelandic and has been in the States for 7 years and has been denied an additional extension). He has been applying for positions all over the EU.

As way of background about him, he is brilliant. He's a Fulbright scholar who is working on a post doc in theoretical physics at a very prestigious university. His work is his whole life. He literally spends anywhere from 80-100 hours a week on it. He is very sweet and thoughtful and very, very very good in bed but is -extremely- emotionally closed off. He likes to keep little secrets (e.g. the other day I asked him how to properly pronounce his weird Icelandic name and he said it was secret, ha). We spend most of our time together talking about random things that are happening in the world, big political concepts, his work, etc. There is never really any talk of emotions.

My problem is that I tend to mirror the person I'm with so I can't really bring myself to break the emotional ice. Yesterday I wanted to tell him how I felt about him-- that I fell in love at first sight and that I want to be with him wherever he ends up but I couldn't.

I have no idea how to proceed with this. Sorry if this makes no sense and thanks for reading anyway. I'm so sad right now and I'm not even sure why.

SGB- this is just one of many articles on this- you would need to follow through the references to the actual research papers referred to here to find the nitty gritty you ask for.

www.psychpage.com/family/library/brwaitgalligher.html

Oh that's heteronormative bollocks. Loads of 'But they did not differentiate... But they did not control for' which means the studies cited are invalid.

Thing is, social science is imprecise and of all the sciences the most likley to be heavily influenced by the prejudices starting viewpoint of the researcher.

THis is not to say that marriage is not, fairly often, a source of happiness to people - particularly men, for whom being married carries all sorts of benefits in the form of getting the bulk of your domestic shitwork and caretaking done by someone else. But it can also be the source of great unhappiness.

wannaBe, Ha no. It's not. :)

TheMightyMarge,

Hi again indeed. :)

You're right. I need to figure out what's going on as the signals have been very mixed. And the only way to do that is to TALK as you say. The only issue with that is that it's so damn early into this thing. But, on the other hand, I'm sorta feeling like it's now or never... So the next time I see him, I'll try to at least start.

Thanks for sharing about your own relationship! How long were you dating for when you started stating what you wanted? My problem with my situation is that I don't feel like the fruit is quite ripe yet...

I do get what you're saying about men like this being able to be good husbands and fathers-- I do get the sense from him that he would be. And, yeah, brainy and super insanely indescribably hot in the bedroom is a pretty awesome combo.

þúsund takk aftur!

Banks - just emailed you re Scandi/Indian mixes - MI.