what was it like for you before you split up?

[ostracized]

My dh and I have not been speaking properly to each other for about 5 weeks now. Began after an argument with him stonewalling me. I now don't really try to talk to him unless about something I have to - but it is him who is doing the "not talking" iyswim. He still criticises though and shouts when he sees fit. Am wondering whether it was like this for other people before they split... We have so many issues, dh bad at communicating and also can be dictatorial and very negative and I am somehow unable to even try to talk about any of this as cannot face argument we will undoubtedly have.

Just the fact that he thinks it is okay to not talk for this long means that I somehow feel humiliated and "made lesser" - how does anyone come back to normality after that?

Have done things to damage relationship as well, but it is he who dictates what we can and cannot talk about and is a very uncompromising character emotionally. He is very hard working and helps / has helped in that will often try to be around if I need to be elsewhere (we have 3 children who are 4, 6 and 9 - and he often works from home) - he likes cooking and does quite a lot of it. However that's it, any other bond we have here is purely to do with the kids. They are at my sister's at the moment and both dh and I are sitting in living room on separate laptops (that's the other thing, he is a workaholic and is PERMANENTLY on the computer) not talking at all. I have said two things to him since I got back from dropping kids off and he has just grunted coldly back looking hyper pissed off and cold.

In past when he has done stonewalling thing I have felt kind of desperate but this time I kind of think - well, he doesn't want to talk, so what..... Obviously this is no way to live though.

Any thoughts?

It is no way to live. Do you want to stay with him?

yes and no - if he were to change some of the things about him that I find unpalatable then yes, but otherwise not really... can't help thinking that there might be someone out there who is far easier to get on with, who says kind things and who looks me in the eye with understanding - alternatively I could be by myself.... thought of tearing kids' lives apart hard though, as is the thought of not seeing them all the time

but I worry that one of the reasons that I am not doing anything about getting out of present stalemate is that part of me would actually like to move on..... not very loyal of me really

I'm not sure why you're worried about being loyal to him when he's treating you like this.

How can you change the things about him that you find unpalatable? You really can't. You can only change yourself.

It is no way to live - can't be doing either of you or the DCs any good at all. It's certainly not demonstrating to them what a healthy, loving relationship should be like.

Would he consider Relate if he knew it was make-or-break time? Even if he won't, it might be worth you going on your own.

thank you - yes I agree that I have to suggest counselling - are you sorry that you split from your husband hariboegg? it's all very well me fantasizing about a life separated from dh but the reality might well be awful, I don't know... anyway, you are all right, we couldn't just end things without having done some talking...
yes I don't know if he could change the things I don't like (like being critical, negative, somewhat domineering and never giving me a hug) but I suppose counselling would give me a window to ask in - in the past has been contemptuous of the whole counselling idea - in that case suppose I could do it by myself....
am sick of feeling like a waste of space so clearly have to galvanize myself in to some sort of action but feel paralysed.
maybe there is such a thing as actually running the course of a relationship?

yes I agree about me trying to jolly him out of his moods (though this particular mood is a big one) but part of me wonders why I should have to

I am sorry you are in the position you are in hariboegg :( I hope you get to a "place" where you want to be and that life becomes easier and happier.
Yes, I will do the counselling thing. First by myself and when I am stronger I will ask him. Thank you.

Missed your last message. That's the thing. He is SOOOOO frosty and cold and I couldn't possibly suggest a talk or going out somewhere. Talking in that way he doesn't "do" anyway.... Yes, I will keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for his behaviour but just mine. Might make it easier for me to take action because I won't feel so powerless.

Not much time but sounds similar to my h in many ways. He left last Christmas and yes its been up and down but I am sooo much happier now. He was emotionally withdrawn and always judging me about everything and finding me wanting.Strange after 17 years and what wasnt an awful marriage I havent missed him and the dc have been fine too.

How old are your dc gettingeasier? How often does your h see them if you don't mind my asking? Am at my sister's at the moment in long drawn out process of picking kids up and must confess feel a lot more relaxed here than at home.

Oh ostracized, I was thinking about your last thread only this morning, weirdly enough. I told DP that your H hadn't talked to you for 5 weeks and he said "wtf??" We were trying to imagine how that could work on a practical level.

I honestly think you need to call it a day. Why wouldn't you? You wouldn't put up with this behaviour from anyone else, surely! Living in this atmosphere isn't good for the dc's. Seeing you happy, cherished and in a healthy, functional relationship would be far better for them. You can't fix your H, he has to fix himself. I wouldn't bother to jolly him out of it, I would simply say to him that he needs to think about leaving and that you just won't tolerate this situation any more.

And if it helps, I was married to a similarly grumpy H, and life is infinitely better without being in that atmosphere. I now have someone who cherishes me, is interested in my day, what I think about things, and whether I'm happy. That counts for so so much.

Yes snowpoint, I totally understand why you would think why stay? I kind of agree. I couldn't ask him to leave really as it is his house and that would cause untold grief. But it hasn't really got to that point, it's true that things are AWFUL between us but at some point we will have to talk to each other. Since this is the first time in any sulk that I have not actively told dh to start talking to me again, I am quite amazed at the way in which he is managing not to. Can't really understand how someone can keep so much "crossness" going for so long. He definitely feels rejected in lots of ways I would say, but then so do I, and I especially hate the blaming, critical side to his nature. On Friday he blamed me for something so silly and so obviously (to me) not my fault, that it made me realise that lots of the other stuff he blames me for must be claptrap as well.
Anyway, have just finished watching the end of a moving interview between Jeremy Paxman and Christopher Hitchens (whom I had never heard of before) and I must say that my stupid problems with dh seem ridiculously petty and insignificant in comparison with the fact that people are ill and dying all the time. Also he (Christopher Hitchens) was incredibly articulate and intelligent and I don't know why I don't spend time thinking about things other than DH?????

snowpoint, did you have dcs with your grumpy husband whom you are no longer with?

Nothing new to offer but I really sympathise. You must be feeling half-dead inside :(

Obviously, this kind of relationship is no good for you (or even him) and is setting a very peculiar background for your DCs' emotional development. I urge you to start counselling! Offer him - once - the opportunity to get joint counselling to work on your communication issues. If when he refuses, find yourself a sparky, empathetic therapist and just start working on things yourself.

I did this - the marvellous Tracey did, indeed, help me in my communications with H and was a tremendous soure of common sense and support when we (inevitably) split up. It cannot possibly do you any harm at this point.

Good luck. Remember to be very, very kind to yourself, please :)

Please excuse me for being a little flippant, but do you realise you have an ideal opportunity here? A bad, confrontational person (not like me at all, oh no) - or one who's at breaking point - might say "Right, since you're sat there not listening to me, I might as well tell you what I really think about your behaviour. For a start, not speaking to your wife for 5 weeks is unspeakably childish. It is not my duty to cheer you up, I have more important things to do than pander to your moods. If you have a genuine grievance, discuss it like an adult. While on the subject of grievances, you criticised me for [insert silly quibble from Friday] which is only one in a line of petty, nit-picking and often completely unjustified comments I can only assume are designed to 'put me in my place'. That is a very unhealthy attitude in a life partnership. You can stop holding out for me bursting into tears and apologising for whatever you think I've done even if I didn't do it, because it ain't happening, not now, not ever again. And by the way your feet smell, too."

Yes Grace, I am feeling dead inside! Don't want to become one of those "couples" who literally divide the house in half eventually not even being able to use the same kitchen. Agree that this is weird for kids. Yesterday middle dd referred to me as dh's wife (fit in with context of what she and dh were talking about) and I thought - if she only knew how it could really be between dh and I if we didn't have 1001 problems. Made me feel quite sad.
When I have sorted house out (one of major bones of contention) then I will suggest the counselling to him. If/when he refuses I will go by myself. Thanks for encouraging message and yes I will try to look after myself.
Can I ask you if you have dcs with your h and if you manage to get on well enough to co-parent properly?

sorry annie, missed your message - yes I might do all of that too!!!

If he walks out in a huff before you've finished, you get the room to yourself - win either way!

and yes I think you're right - he does want to "put me in my place" - yesterday morning I went out to get potatoes and stuff like that, when I got back he complained that he wanted stuff to make stir-fry - then lo and behold he managed to make stir-fry with what we had in the fridge

Ostracized I lived with a man very much like yours. One time he didn't speak to me for 6 weeks, not one single word. Like you I would try to bring him round, work hard to make him happy but it never worked, he only spoke when he was good and ready.

He was cold, unemotional, showed no love or affection. To cut a very long story short the last time he stone walled me he got as far as 16 days before he came home to a note from me telling him I had left him and moved into a refuge.

Have a look at some domestic abuse threads, google abuse too and see if you recognise your situation. Then ask yourself if you have anything worth saving.