what was it like for you before you split up?

[ostracized]

My dh and I have not been speaking properly to each other for about 5 weeks now. Began after an argument with him stonewalling me. I now don't really try to talk to him unless about something I have to - but it is him who is doing the "not talking" iyswim. He still criticises though and shouts when he sees fit. Am wondering whether it was like this for other people before they split... We have so many issues, dh bad at communicating and also can be dictatorial and very negative and I am somehow unable to even try to talk about any of this as cannot face argument we will undoubtedly have.

Just the fact that he thinks it is okay to not talk for this long means that I somehow feel humiliated and "made lesser" - how does anyone come back to normality after that?

Have done things to damage relationship as well, but it is he who dictates what we can and cannot talk about and is a very uncompromising character emotionally. He is very hard working and helps / has helped in that will often try to be around if I need to be elsewhere (we have 3 children who are 4, 6 and 9 - and he often works from home) - he likes cooking and does quite a lot of it. However that's it, any other bond we have here is purely to do with the kids. They are at my sister's at the moment and both dh and I are sitting in living room on separate laptops (that's the other thing, he is a workaholic and is PERMANENTLY on the computer) not talking at all. I have said two things to him since I got back from dropping kids off and he has just grunted coldly back looking hyper pissed off and cold.

In past when he has done stonewalling thing I have felt kind of desperate but this time I kind of think - well, he doesn't want to talk, so what..... Obviously this is no way to live though.

Any thoughts?

ostracized - when he does start talking to you properly, like you usually do with each other, will you be able to move past the feelings of resentment you may have that he has put you through being so miserable.

I have been better at the 'so what' ability to deal with regular sulking, blanking, refusing to answer me etc.... but I seem to end up only being able to do it for a while before I get so frustrated and angry (which comes from being hurt, of course).

Well in that case, it's probably better to do your communicating through a solicitor.

Are there any similarities between what I have said and your situation, ostracized?

(OK, I know mine is bad, but I have tried).

ostracized, you say he likes cooking, does he cook you a meal and not speak to you?

No, we didn't have kids thank goodness. Mine used to do the sudden face-change BYT described, too. I had seen this early on in our relationship - in reverse; he switched the scowl off for me - but didn't realise it's an abuse warning, known as the "flash of anger". I just thought it was a bit odd.
It was!

Grace - it has taken me years to get to grips with his ability to switch his behaviour on and off with people like a light switch being used. I am the opposite, what you see is what you get...

The other thing is that if someone has a certain kind of personality, they do not get wounded inside very much, unlike some of us, and things go pretty deep, whereas with them, nothing goes very much below the surface.

When your partner won't talk to you like you are a normal person, and an instant later, they can be speaking on the phone all nicey nice, it really gets to you. (maybe it is just me, though. I'm a bit messed up emotionally ).

sorry ostracized, just caught up on this. Yes I did have dc's with XH, and leaving wasn't an easy decision at all, it just suddenly became the only thing I could do. I reached the point where I was so ground down there was very little of me left.

The dc's are and have been fine though, and happy. They were too small to understand too much of what was going on. I'd never advise leaving flippantly as it's a massive thing to do, and if you feel there is any mileage left with your H, then go for it.

Just look after yourself, and don't let this carry on. 5 weeks of sulking is utterly utterly unreasonable behaviour, and sometimes when you're caught up in the situation it's hard to be objective.

I feel for you, and wish you all the best.

Thanks all for your messages. Believeyourtruth, you sound very sad - are you planning to stay with your dh for good, does he in any way recognise what he does? When dh cooks food it is for everybody so he leaves my portion in the pan and I get it. We are able to talk about practical stuff - today for instance I asked him if he could pick up dd and ds while I took other dd to a playdate.... But that is it. Again we are sitting in the same living room not saying a word to each other. It is true that I can't be myself when around him. I spent this afternoon at dd's playdate talking to the other two mums there and I came home much more relaxed than I would normally be after an afternoon at home with dh sat on the sofa ignoring me.
I totally recognise the thing about switching tone from one instant to the next. Extremely dismissive and cold with me one second (or angry), and the next sweet as pie with the kids. Who needs all this???? NOT ME!!!!!
Hadn't heard of the "flash of anger" grace - googled it but did not come up with any satisfying descriptions.
Glad you are so much happier snowpoint. Do you manage to get on with your xh well enough to both look after your children? That's the other thing I sometimes think - how on earth do people who are getting on badly enough to get divorced then go on to co-parent in an amicable way?
Thanks notsocrates for your wishes.
believeyourtruth, I think if dh did suddenly start talking properly (which I don't think he will off his own bat) then I'm afraid to say I might just be relieved and accept it .
Sorry if I haven't mentioned anybody who posted.

Sorry, and could I just add that one of the reasons that I find it difficult to get things done when at home is that I am completely unnerved by what he is doing.... Is this the end? Am I that awful? What does he actually think is going to happen to us? What would make somebody completely bow out of any communication? If he loves his kids doesn't he think that behaving like this with me will eventually split us all up? Or has he reached the point where he sees our relationship as so untenable that he has given up? Even worse, is it easier for him not to commuicate at all / it kind of is for me as when I find out what he thinks about certain things or how he criticises anything and everything, then I really would rather not know his thoughts.

What are your thoughts ostracized? How do you feel about the relationship? What would you like the outcome to be? Do you feel loved, cherished and respected? Do you think you can carry on like this?

It seems you have reached a stalemate so where do you go from here?

Could you email him with your feelings on the whole thing? My ex did actually respond better to the written word than verbal communication, maybe this would work for you too.

I had the same thoughts as you with regard to him thinking that his behaviour towards me would eventually lead to us splitting up. My thoughts are that I had tolerated it for so long without leaving that no, he didn't believe I ever would.

It's true that the relationship on a daily basis (before this massive sulk) was not what I wanted. I would like more affection both verbal and physical, much less criticism and a feeling of being accepted and liked. However, companionable chatting during the week (which is what we used to do) has to be better than what is going on now. It was the weekends that used to really get to me with all the negativity and criticism pouring out of dh and making me withdraw. So I suppose that for the sake of the kid and my own mental sanity I I would like to have a relationship with dh yes, but one where quite a few changes take place. Not discounting that I too would have to make changes.
I don't know about the writing. I feel backed into a corner.
Did your dh put up a fight when you said you wanted to separate happydays?

If ever I mentioned wanting to leave he would just ignore me, totally blank me going about his business. He knew I had no money and nowhere to go so he thought he was safe I suppose, he thought he had me trapped.

When I moved into the refuge I didn't tell him I was going. He hadn't spoken one single word to me for 16 days (after a horrendous Christmas and New Year) so part of me got a little kick from going without telling him, after all, if he wasn't speaking to me I couldn't could I? BUT, even if we had have been speaking I couldn't have told him because I don't think I would have got out alive, he would have gone crazy.

Ostracized, I think you would benefit from counselling for yourself before you enter into any counselling with your H. Just to validate your feelings if nothing else. When in a relationship such as yours the self esteem does take a battering.

Yes will go to counselling. Have looked up relate for my area of london and will book an appointment probably for after christmas at this stage.
I'm glad you managed to get away happydays.
This morning I had a mini epiphany. Dh has been moaning about the my youngest dd's shoes being too summery (you know, school mary janes). Yesterday and today she wore these boots which are not made of leather and which may or may not let in the cold, I don't know. The point is that yesterday he is the one who put them on her feet and I was feeling that he would be pleased that she had them on today as well because of past moans about mary janes. Anyway today he solicitously and understandingly asked her if her feet were too cold in boots (we had not left house to go to school)..... are they leather??? no they must be cold blah blah..... For a start the school is really overheated (and have told him this) and secondly yes they do go out at playtime but somehow I think those boots are ok... I suddenly felt as if I was listening to the ramblings of a mad person. Yes I understand he is concerned about her feet, but I thought I was doing better than the mary janes with the boots... LESSON LEARNT - take absolutely everything he says with a big pinch of salt.

I sound like I don't care about dd's feet - I do but I think that she goes to school with hat, coat, gloves and rest of uniform - I think she is ok. I don't have an extra pair of leather fleece lined boots to whip out of my pocket. Ironic him asking about leather anyway as we are both vegetarians.

Good to hear you getting in touch with your inner common sense, Ostracized

Have you seen this? Heartless Bitches. It's a bit long, but you'll recognise a few things in there. You could follow a few of her links, too - illuminating stuff!

It's not really about the boots at all though, it's about him being in control. How exhausting he sounds. And the least you deserve is someone who likes and accepts you. Once you're out of this and with someone who behaves normally, you'll look back and shudder about ever putting up with him. Honestly.

And yes, XH and I do get on well enough to co parent, he's a lot better than when we were together as he knows I will not tolerate any nonsense. The only thing is he lives a long way away now and his contact can be sporadic - he'll have the dc's for 2 or 3 consecutive weekends, and then nothing for a month. Need to have words on that one.

ostracized, you will never win. A lot of what you are going through with your H I went through with mine, never the right shoes, shoes/boots had to be leather, never the right coat, if I put the jacket on DD I should have put the long coat on if I put the long coat on it was too warm for her and I should have put the jacket on. I tell you, it was bloody exhausting!! He wouldn't even let me buy our DD's clothes, he used to choose and buy them all!! Even now, when he has DD for weekend she isn't allowed to wear the boots I have bought her, which she chose herself, she HAS to wear the ones he has bought for her. I fear his controlling, abusive behaviour is now being extended to my DD but thanks to a lovely CAFCASS officer I am able to deal with it and DD has quickly learned how she should handle him

Cross post with snowpoint but just want to say she is right, you will look back on everything you tolerated and shudder, I do that often. I can't believe I stuck it as long as I did. Thank God for Women's Aid because if it wasn't for them I would still be there. They are wonderful, truly wonderful!