I think my friend was raped

[MemooMerrilyOnHigh]

( Names have been change etc )

A bit sensitive so please dont read if it would be upsetting for you xx

It was about a year ago, last Christmas. My friend Marie confided in me last night and I have no idea what to do. She was really upset please please does anyone have any advice?

She said that she and DH, lets call him Ian, went to a party last Christmas, they knew most of the people there and in particular were really good friends with one of the other women there, Ann, who had brought along a man that she had been dating for a few months called Dan .

They had arranged to stay at Anns house overnight as it was only a short walk from the party. At the end of the night they all went back to the house and my friends DH Ian went straight to bed as was very drunk.

Marie checked on him after a short while and he was fast asleep, snoring.

Not long after Ann also went up to bed.

This left my friend Marie and Ann?s date Dan.

They were chatting for a long while. Marie said they were getting on very well. They had a few more vodkas and after this my friend says she must have passed out because the next she knows it is about 6am.

This is the distressing bit. She woke on the couch and immediately knew something was wrong, she said she felt sore and it felt like she'd had sex. I guess its that feeling you get after when you can just tell you?ve done it, she also told me from the secretions she could feel vaginally that she was positive that she'd had sex. Her knickers were really twisted, her bra was unfastened and a few of her buttons were undone on her top. Ann's DP Dan was still asleep on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

Marie doesn't remember a thing; she was so drunk she thinks she just passed out. There is no way she consented to sex but she is in no doubt that sex had taken place.

She got herself sorted and went upstairs to find her DH still in bed asleep where he had been all night.

She was really upset and didn't know what to so she got straight in the shower and then dressed. By this time Anns date Dan had left.

She was so confused and upset that she did nothing and told nobody. Her DH just put her quiet mood down to her being hung-over.

Later that day she had a bit of light spotting upon wiping when on the loo. She also had a bruise at the top of her arm.

All this time she has kept this to herself.

I am 100% sure that she should call the police but she is mortified about this idea. She hasn?t even told her DH yet

Have to run and bath DD now but will be back later tonight

I can't stay on this thread or give too much advice because I was raped by an ex of mine and it is too distressing for me to think/talk about sexual assault for too long.

However, please try Rape Crisis or suggest that she does. The website has information on how she can cover her tracks after she's visited the website if she doesn't want her partner to see which website she's been on. There is advice for you about how to support someone, and advice for her about what she might like to do.

I never reported my ex so I can't give any advice about telling police, etc.

It must be a relief for her to be able to confide in someone. If I were you I would suggest she contacts a specialist organisation that can help and advise her. Would also suggest she gets checked out for STIs if she hasn't already. Regarding the Police, I wouldn't put any pressure on her to report it, the specialist rape organisations will explain her choices. Conviction rates for rape are very low in this country and as it sounds like she was unconscious through alcohol and there is no forensic evidence she will probably want to consider whether it's worth it.

Please be there for your friend. I am sure you will be.

Don't judge her for not telling the police, tbh I don't think there is much that can be done at this point, with no physical evidence and her not remembering anything.

I am no expert though, so i could be wrong.

I second calling Rape Crisis yourself, or suggesting she does.

Is Ann still seeing DAn btw?

Memoo - Poor Marie :( What a horrible, horrible thing to have had and to have kept secret for a year. It's no suprise it's coming out now though.

I think both of you should call Rape Crisis.

In this situation if she can report it without taking it any further I would, but I don't know if you can or not in the UK.

I wouldn't report it if I would be forced to give evidence, because sadly what she would have to go through would be really horrible and the chances of a conviction are so so so tiny that I wouldn't want to go through that. Unless there is CCTV and a knife involved, it's in the high street, in broad daylight and you are dressed like a nun - you are on a hiding to nothing :(

If Ann is still seeing Dan then something needs to be done.

I would say that the chances are that she passed out and this man took advantage of that.

I am also sorry to say that a report to the police would result in a lot stress for your friend and no real "justice" for her.

Is Ann still seeing this Dan?

Your poor friend. I am glad she has your support. I agree about calling rape crisis to get support. I can understand why she wouldn't want to call the police, the conviction rate is so poor and sadly most people just won't believe her. Thank god she has you there, it makes a big difference to be believed when you get the guts to tell someone.

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back, teething baby!

Apparently Dan broke things off from Ann shortly after that night. Don't know what reason he gave but I suspect it was to doing with the fact that he rape her friend!

I know Marie has also limited the contact she has had with Ann because she reminds her of that night and what happened.

I was so sure she should contact the police but I have changed my mind after reading your posts. I'm going to call Rape crisis as suggests and see if I can get Marie to speak to them although that might be easier said than done at the moment.

Do you think I should try and get Marie to talk to her husband? He knows nothing and I think they may well seperate if Marie doesn't explain things to him soon, its no surprise that the way she is feeling is having a really negative effect on her mood which is impacting on their marriage

I think if she gets some specialist help they will be able to help her speak to her husband if she decides that's the best thing.

Oh Christ. Is it possible that one of the reasons Ann split up with him is because he's a rapist and also raped her or at least behaved in a way which rang alarm bells for her?

Not sure about hr DH. He may well think that it was consensual and she is making it up to cover her tracks - that's a very prevalent rape myth, that women pretend consensual sex was rape and lots of men believe it. Is her DH the type who would?

She should definitely speak to rape crisis about it.

As I said, I think you should both speak to Rape Crisis.

It is my feeling that she should tell her DH.

If she does and he leaves - so be it, because she isn't coping, it's obviously going to be having an effect on their relationship which will eventually break down anyway. I don't see that she can keep this a secret from him nor should she have to.

Any decent man who really loves her, would, I hope - understand.

Just to say that if she does think about calling the police, they will still take her seriously and in fact the sooner the better as any more of a delay in disclosure can affect whether the case is taken on.

Best of luck to her and thank you for being such a good friend to her.

Thanks for all the advice

I've been speaking to my friend lots over the weekend. She has decided that she does want to speak to the police but is going to talk to her DH first. He is not working today so after the DC are at school she is going to tell him. Feel sick with nerves for her.

I'm going to phone crisis later when my DH gets in and can watch the baby.

I have no idea how to support her. I have listened to her talk but I don't know what to say, I can't even begin to imagine the pain she is going through.

Not got a lot of experience, hope you don't mind me posting, but wanted to say if your friend 'Marie' feels strong enough it would be best to talk to police, in case 'Dan' has been involved in this kind of thing before and/or since. Best wishes to your friend

Agree with what many have posted above that there is no substitute for expert help and advice here. Rape Crisis are a fantastic organisation but the chances are that you will also have some local organisations through whom your friend may find it easier to get some time face to face with someone. Rape Crisis would happily put her in touch with these.

Just be the best friend you can to her. Don't worry if you can't offer advice - few people could - simply love her and look after her.

The Police's reputation for dealing with cases of alleged rape is unfairly poor and based more on conviction rates than it is on the sensitivity shown to people in your friend's situation. (Obviously, I'm aware some people will have had negative experiences and I'm not suggesting that the Police are always perfect).

Later, when she has been better able to process what she is going through, it may help her to speak to her friend. There is obviously the risk that this man has behaved in this manner before. Ultimately though, this will depend on how things go with her DH (what a terrible conversation for them both to have) and how she is able to manage. All the best.

All she will need is a listening ear and someone who will support what ever choices she makes.

.

What a great friend you sound. Just listen and look out for her...the professionals are the only ones who can give her concrete advice, really.

I think you calling Rape Crisis too is an excellent idea. They can help you deal with her inevitable distress.

I have a few little butterflies in my tummy for her, hope her talk with her DH gets her the best outcome (he loves her, believes her and wants to support her no matter what course of action she takes)

MeMoo - just a few words on what Marie should expect with the police.

They may ask to come round straight away, but she doesn't have to allow this if she feels uncomfortable with it and would prefer to be at the station.
She can ask for either a male or female officer to take a statement but the timescale will depend on who is available as they must be specifically trained and they have other duties outside this role.

They should firstly tell her the implications of making a statement, which will be that they will then have to make enquiries with everyone they can, before arresting and questioning Dan.
I think it is from there that case will then go to the Crown Prosectution Serice who will make the decision on whether it goes to court, and whether it does will reply on the prospect of a secure conviction.

The statement should be taken on video in a witness suite, which isn't usually like a police station and in some cases is set up more like a home to make a witness feel comfortable and get the best evidence they can provide, just with recording facilities.
It may take a few hours and I would really recommend that she plans nothing else for that day as she may feel very mentally and physically drained by having to relive it again.

It's difficult to advise what to do as a friend expect to just listen and be there, maybe also to offer company and/or childcare if needed through the process if you can.
One of the things I think is important to keep in mind is that her DH is going to need a shoulder to cry on as well and sometimes it may need to be someone who isn't you or Marie.

Really hope it goes well with DH - or as well as can be expected in these sad circumstances.
Will be thinking of you all x

Be there for her to talk to if she wants. She should be careful telling DH as it might change the nature of their relationship eg he could feel very guilty. First, she needs to sort out her own emotional wellbeing and telling you, with you listening sympathetically, is a great first step on this road.

There is an excellent book called "I never called it rape"...sorry I don't have more details atm as am off out.

Boo, just spotted this as I flicked past my watched threads too.

I am so sorry for your horrendous experience.

xx