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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my friend was raped

57 replies

MemooMerrilyOnHigh · 04/12/2010 18:46

( Names have been change etc )

A bit sensitive so please dont read if it would be upsetting for you xx

It was about a year ago, last Christmas. My friend Marie confided in me last night and I have no idea what to do. She was really upset please please does anyone have any advice?

She said that she and DH, lets call him Ian, went to a party last Christmas, they knew most of the people there and in particular were really good friends with one of the other women there, Ann, who had brought along a man that she had been dating for a few months called Dan .

They had arranged to stay at Anns house overnight as it was only a short walk from the party. At the end of the night they all went back to the house and my friends DH Ian went straight to bed as was very drunk.

Marie checked on him after a short while and he was fast asleep, snoring.

Not long after Ann also went up to bed.

This left my friend Marie and Ann?s date Dan.

They were chatting for a long while. Marie said they were getting on very well. They had a few more vodkas and after this my friend says she must have passed out because the next she knows it is about 6am.

This is the distressing bit. She woke on the couch and immediately knew something was wrong, she said she felt sore and it felt like she'd had sex. I guess its that feeling you get after when you can just tell you?ve done it, she also told me from the secretions she could feel vaginally that she was positive that she'd had sex. Her knickers were really twisted, her bra was unfastened and a few of her buttons were undone on her top. Ann's DP Dan was still asleep on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

Marie doesn't remember a thing; she was so drunk she thinks she just passed out. There is no way she consented to sex but she is in no doubt that sex had taken place.

She got herself sorted and went upstairs to find her DH still in bed asleep where he had been all night.

She was really upset and didn't know what to so she got straight in the shower and then dressed. By this time Anns date Dan had left.

She was so confused and upset that she did nothing and told nobody. Her DH just put her quiet mood down to her being hung-over.

Later that day she had a bit of light spotting upon wiping when on the loo. She also had a bruise at the top of her arm.

All this time she has kept this to herself.

I am 100% sure that she should call the police but she is mortified about this idea. She hasn?t even told her DH yet Sad Sad

Have to run and bath DD now but will be back later tonight

OP posts:
SurreyAmazon · 06/12/2010 23:07

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:09

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boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:12

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TDada · 06/12/2010 23:14

OP- I hope that someone atleast tells Dan but best not to pressure your friend. Makes me angry. I have daughter and several sisters.

SurreyAmazon · 06/12/2010 23:14

Ps - I think my post was too pessimistic. Whilst some women do not get justice via the legal system, they do get it in other 'unconventional' ways. Case in point, there is a certain spiritual path where one of the goddesses is a fierce protector of women. If you are raped, all you need to do is take a piece of rope, say a prayer to this Goddess and soon after, the rapist will hang himself.

SA

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:16

You poor thing x

Don't worry about hijacking threads. Your exerience sounds complicated though, so a new thread might be better. Another night though, as lots of mums will be in bed by now x

Only if you feel ready though, of course .

boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:16

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:17

SA Xmas Confused

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:18

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boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:23

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boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:24

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:24

ok

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:27

forgive my questions

I don't wish to give the impression I am rubbernecking x

boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:27

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boohoo80 · 06/12/2010 23:29

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:39

Yes, it sounds a horrible abuse of the natural trust that exists between siblings.

I am so sorry these memories are surfacing for you tonight.

FWIW, I think you were attacked, just not in an overtly physically violent way.

diddl · 07/12/2010 08:11

My only thought about this is that it was so long ago that there will be no evidence of anything & there will therefore be nothing that anyone can do.

I was raped many years ago-friend´s husband.

Also did nothing as we had been seen drinking together.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 08:17

Diddl, that is awful Xmas Sad

diddl · 07/12/2010 08:43

What I feel most bad about if what if he´s done it to someone else & I could have stopped that.

MemooMerrilyOnHigh · 07/12/2010 12:08

Diddle I am so sorry Sad

Spoke to Marie this morning, She didn't speak to her DH and is now saying that maybe she is over reacting and she should just forget about it! What do I do? Its like she has gone into denial. I don't doubt for a second she was raped, do you think if I give her a bit of time she'll come round? She can't keep this bottled up forever, its going to kill her.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/12/2010 12:33

Perhaps she needs counselling then, so that she can offload to a third party.

Sounds as if she also needs reassuring that it was not her fault.

I agree with others who have said to call rape crisis.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 13:53

diddl...you are not responsible for the behaviour of a rapist

only he is responsible for his own behaviour

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 13:54

OP, Marie has obviously been thinking about the potential ramifications of disclosure

many women never tell...you can understand why, can't you ?

you have to let her take the lead here...has she phoned any professionals ?

TDada · 07/12/2010 21:13

Memoo- I think that you can only support her by listening but resisting the temptation to lead her....although you can suggest options; very gently..... child abusers and rapists make me very angry.

Something happened the other day that I would have to restrain myself if I came across child abuser.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 22:17

what happened TD ?

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