Just reading why does he do that.......

[Cantseethewoodforthetrees]

I have namechanged for this post as my 'd'p knows my nickname I'm sure.....I'm an occasional poster, habitual lurker though. I just need to vent, somewhere safe to people who don't know me.....
I realised last feb. That there were aspects of our relationship that were very wrong after reading the many sad posts on here. I started making efforts to get the power balance on a more even kilter and have had a little success.... I have known I am not truly happy and 'postponed' our wedding from the planned date next year as I felt I couldn't commit my life to him with things as they are/were.2 weeks ago I had my 1st night out with my friends in 3 and a half years whilst he was away on business. He didn't want me to go, but I did ( because I wouldn't have to deal with him when I got home) and I had the most amazing time. I felt like me again, I chatted, I danced, I got a bit drunk, I went back to my friends and slept on his floor! Was one of the best nights I've had in ages!
The thing is something in me has changed after that night....that little voice I have ignored is now screaming out to be heard and after reading another mnetters thread at the start of the week I bought why does he do that and the verbally abusive relationship. I've started on the Lundy Bancroft book as my thread title states..... I've nearly finished it and am shocked but numbed to the core that my partner, father of my children and 'friend' has emotionally, sexually and physically abused me. It's there in black and White contained in those pages but my brain seems to be blocking my acceptance. I thought he was controlling, selfish and insecure but I never ever realised how bad things were...... Please help me to 'wake up' I want to be on my own with my amazing children, I have asked him to go before many times but he won't let me finish with him. I feel trapped, and scared because now I know what he is, what he does, how do I come to terms with it, let alone get myself together enough to leave and regain the life I once had and so badly miss..... I'm so sorry this is so long and about the lack of paragraphs.... Only place I can type is on my phone as I can delete history completely here, please if anyone has trawled through and would kindly repost with paragraphs I'd bevery grateful. I'm sorry this is so long and garbled

I have namechanged for this post as my 'd'p knows my nickname I'm sure.....I'm an occasional poster, habitual lurker though. I just need to vent, somewhere safe to people who don't know me.....

I realised last feb. That there were aspects of our relationship that were very wrong after reading the many sad posts on here.

I started making efforts to get the power balance on a more even kilter and have had a little success.... I have known I am not truly happy and 'postponed' our wedding from the planned date next year as I felt I couldn't commit my life to him with things as they are/were.

2 weeks ago I had my 1st night out with my friends in 3 and a half years whilst he was away on business. He didn't want me to go, but I did ( because I wouldn't have to deal with him when I got home) and I had the most amazing time. I felt like me again, I chatted, I danced, I got a bit drunk, I went back to my friends and slept on his floor! Was one of the best nights I've had in ages!

The thing is something in me has changed after that night....that little voice I have ignored is now screaming out to be heard and after reading another mnetters thread at the start of the week I bought why does he do that and the verbally abusive relationship.

I've started on the Lundy Bancroft book as my thread title states..... I've nearly finished it and am shocked but numbed to the core that my partner, father of my children and 'friend' has emotionally, sexually and physically abused me.

It's there in black and White contained in those pages but my brain seems to be blocking my acceptance. I thought he was controlling, selfish and insecure but I never ever realised how bad things were......

Please help me to 'wake up' I want to be on my own with my amazing children, I have asked him to go before many times but he won't let me finish with him.

I feel trapped, and scared because now I know what he is, what he does, how do I come to terms with it, let alone get myself together enough to leave and regain the life I once had and so badly miss.....

I'm so sorry this is so long and about the lack of paragraphs.... Only place I can type is on my phone as I can delete history completely here, please if anyone has trawled through and would kindly repost with paragraphs I'd bevery grateful. I'm sorry this is so long and garbled

When I had my lightbulb moment I went into a complete crisis meltdown.

Please give womens aid a call. They will be able to help you through this. There are lots of lovely m-netters who have been through this who will give you loads of advice also.

Well done on recognising the problem trying to break free.

OP, you have made the first step and yes, it is very hard to accept the horrible facts.

Maybe the first step, however, was delaying your marriage date because you had those feelings that things were very wrong.

No real advice but didn't want to read and run. Am going through a similar though far less extreme situation. I actually split from my H over a year ago but it took about 4 years to get to that point as I didn't actually realise what was going on in the relationship.

The longer we are apart the more I realise just how controlling he was and what the dynamic was. Unfortunately, the DCs seem to have 'got' it more than me - at least subconsciously - and some of the nightmares they have had have been truly eye opening.

I do think that recognising the pattern is the first step. Without that it is impossible to do anything, so well done. I did find that once I got wise to some of his behaviour the relationship deteriorated very quickly but, be warned, the levels of aggression rose quite sharply too. He never hit me but did physically intimidate me and I did feel that things wouldn't have to be much worse before he did.

On the plus side, I did stop reacting to him so I was able to see the behaviour for what it was. It did mean, that when I finally got to the bottom of things, the split itself was pretty amicable. Needless to say, things have deteriorated since and I do worry about the time the DCs spend with him as he is completely delusional about their emotional state.

I'm sure others with more advice will be along soon.

Thank you ilove for reparagraphing :)

Thank you getting too, I'm sat here crying now, feeling very sorry for myself but also having some kind of internal dialogue where my brain is trying to tell me everythings ok....why when I know it isn't?

I thought of calling womens aid but for 1, I don't think my situation is bad enough and also my only phone is my mobile, the number will be stored and if I delete my call history it'll be Spanish inquisition time again....

That is, of course, exactly why your soon-to-be-ex partner didn't want you going out with friends. You broke out of the cocoon he's wrapped you in tightly and went and got a reality check.

He will no doubt blame your change on having done something untoward (I picture how XH would have gone "you slept on his floor, riiight", with a massive sneer). You would then be on the back foot trying to defend yourself and prove it isn't all about your feelings for someone else. You don't need to play that game. You know where you slept, that having a night out with friends is perfectly reasonable, and that "d"p is an arse. You don't need to prove anything to him. He is shortly to be history.

Citizens Advice is also a very good source of information about the practical aspects of leaving a long-term partner.

CSTWFTT You can email Women's Aid and they will still help you. You may find that you have a local refuge and you can email them too if you are unable to call. Please do it, you will get some fantastic advice and just having how you feel and what you suspect is happening to you validated by them will help to make you feel stronger. Good luck xx

Believe, yes I think you are right about the marriage....
Secrets, I'm sorry you have been through similar but am pleased you managed to leave in the end. It gives me hope.
He is currently in nice over drive which is when we would normally be all hunky-dory but it won't last, never does, does it? I think when he realises that I am detatching from him further and the niceynicey approach has failed he'll step up the sulking, unkindness to the kids, belittling name calling etc he has never actually hit me but has grabbed, blocked exits, barged (accidentally apparently)

Sorry, cross posts:)

I feel so guilty too, it hurts to see Annie refer to him as an arse although I know it's true, how have I loved a man who has treated my and my kids so terribly? I just can't seem to get my head round it......

Thank you everyone. I have emailed my local refuge to see if they can give me any advice.

I feel like I'm being a total drama queen though..........

Annie, were you here when he got back from the business trip, or is it just all these men sing from the same hymn sheet? He came home, grilled me, made me feel bad, then wanted sex. While we were doing it the thought of a dog pissing up a lamp post popped into my head, I think that just about summed it up-him marking his territory.

Yes, OP, that is appropriate thinking regarding sex. It can also be used to put someone back in their place.

They all think they are so clever...and they are all exactly the same!

Well done for contacting womens aid. The first step to freedom and the real you!

Same hymn sheet, I think, Cant. After I'd got to the stage where I realised divorce was the only answer, a friend sent me a link to MN and I was totally aghast at how typical XH's actions were.

We love them because they show their most loveable side when we first get together, and then just often enough to keep us hoping for more. We see that our man is a little more complex than the average, and that we need to handle him carefully to keep him happy. We put a lot of thought and energy into our relationship. Sometimes it seems to be working and we are so pleased with ourselves. Then he has another bad turn and we thrash about looking for the reason and the solution. What we don't realise is that he gets in a bad mood on purpose to keep us guessing. Once I'd seen it for what it was, he stepped it up to a ludicrous degree, switching mood several times a day, but the more he did it the less it worked. If you press a button too hard for too long, eventually it wears out.

It's feckin' embarrassing to realise you've been running in little circles to please a man who has no intention of being pleased. I see myself as strong, intelligent, observant and above all cynical, and yet a little squirt of a man kept me pandering to his weirdness for 25 years. My own convictions, determination, compassion and honesty, were stronger chains than anyone else could have forged. Eventually I ran out of steam and couldn't hold it together any longer - and suddenly saw it for what it was.

Google "cognitive dissonance", I think you will find it interesting.

You should be able to delete one thing from your call history without deleting all of it - just scroll down and highlight the number and press the delete option (or more options or whatever)

If you do end up deleting all by mistake say you got a call from a number you didn't recognise, went back to find the number to ring them back and pressed the wrong button to delete them all.

"It's feckin' embarrassing to realise you've been running in little circles to please a man who has no intention of being pleased."

I think that should go up as a sticky on MN! It's so true. Sums up so many of the threads here.

Annie - how does someone like me ever find their self-esteem when, like you, I experienced your situation, but I didn't have the sense to end it. So I am the one being disposed of.

I think another key point is to realise that these people live in a different version of reality to you. You have tried to accomodate their version of life, but have woken up.
If anything - that could be a bolster to your self-esteem - you recognise the truth of the matter. He NEVER will.

Just feel like a complete prat and humiliated from all this. A really stupid woman.

Katisha - problem is, you still doubt your version of the truth (still with him, btw). It is very hard.

You still have this niggling insecurity that, as he say, you are the problem, that it is never him, nothing is his fault, he is a nice man.......

And Christmas is coming. It's ok for him, nothing ever hurts him emotionally.

Just read that extract from the 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' suggested on this thread/other thread, and I can identify totally with it, and the 'crazy-making behaviour' because I have felt over the years I have been going mad at times.

It's just totally humiliating.

Annie - well done for recognising divorce was the only answer.

Be kind to yourself BYT - you are not going to be able to assimilate this all at once,
Keep reading. And yes, it will be a while before you are back on steady ground in your head. But you will get there - the genie can't go back in the bottle now.