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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just reading why does he do that.......

67 replies

Cantseethewoodforthetrees · 04/12/2010 09:17

I have namechanged for this post as my 'd'p knows my nickname I'm sure.....I'm an occasional poster, habitual lurker though. I just need to vent, somewhere safe to people who don't know me.....
I realised last feb. That there were aspects of our relationship that were very wrong after reading the many sad posts on here. I started making efforts to get the power balance on a more even kilter and have had a little success.... I have known I am not truly happy and 'postponed' our wedding from the planned date next year as I felt I couldn't commit my life to him with things as they are/were.2 weeks ago I had my 1st night out with my friends in 3 and a half years whilst he was away on business. He didn't want me to go, but I did ( because I wouldn't have to deal with him when I got home) and I had the most amazing time. I felt like me again, I chatted, I danced, I got a bit drunk, I went back to my friends and slept on his floor! Was one of the best nights I've had in ages!
The thing is something in me has changed after that night....that little voice I have ignored is now screaming out to be heard and after reading another mnetters thread at the start of the week I bought why does he do that and the verbally abusive relationship. I've started on the Lundy Bancroft book as my thread title states..... I've nearly finished it and am shocked but numbed to the core that my partner, father of my children and 'friend' has emotionally, sexually and physically abused me. It's there in black and White contained in those pages but my brain seems to be blocking my acceptance. I thought he was controlling, selfish and insecure but I never ever realised how bad things were...... Please help me to 'wake up' Sad I want to be on my own with my amazing children, I have asked him to go before many times but he won't let me finish with him. I feel trapped, and scared because now I know what he is, what he does, how do I come to terms with it, let alone get myself together enough to leave and regain the life I once had and so badly miss..... I'm so sorry this is so long and about the lack of paragraphs.... Only place I can type is on my phone as I can delete history completely here, please if anyone has trawled through and would kindly repost with paragraphs I'd bevery grateful. I'm sorry this is so long and garbled

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 04/12/2010 12:16

Just keep working at it believe, keep believing in yourself, keep reading, keep valuing yourself as a person, and one day (soon hopefuilly) you will have the strength to leave, get divorced, and start living your life.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:18

I am being divorced.Blush Hence, zero self-esteem.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:19

And yes, I have been working this all out in my head for quite a while before.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:21

Therefore, well worth all the emotional energy/despair/angst/anxiety/hurt spent on this scenario (for want of a better word).BlushAngry

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:22

Is there a prize for being the biggest prat?Smile

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:23

GettinganIcyGrip - maybe they also think they are clever because some are incapable of being hurt; it's their partner that gets hurt.

Katisha · 04/12/2010 12:24

BYT if you are being divorced, I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's probably better for you. Most of these narcissists make it very difficult for the woman to leave THEM.
OK so he can believe he is making the running with the divorce ( I'm sorry I don't know your back story so hope am not making things worse) but in the long run I think you will have much more freedom. You just have to put up with the fact that in his head he thinks he is the wounded and righteous party. But then, nothing will ever change that.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:26

Cantseethewood - they are not stupid, they know full well they have alot of power with someone who 'loves them'.

colditz · 04/12/2010 12:26

Go to someone's house, anyone you know who will happily let you in and who doesn't know your husband, and make you a cup of tea. Ask them if they will let you make a legal phone call as you have run out of credit. To be honest, it might be an idea to go to the local job centre, get some job print outs, ask you ring the numbers using their phone (which they have for this purpose) and then use their phone to ring woman's aid.

colditz · 04/12/2010 12:28

Oh believe me when I say I am not a stupid woman, but nevertheless, I was manipulated into some very stupid behavior by someone who professed to love me.

The reality is, he was lying about loving me and he didn't even know it himself.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:30

Katisha - yes, he is the victim;that is his belief;even that if he doesn't wish to be with someone that they are wasting 'his' time if he decided to stay with them, just don't understand that mentality.Confused
that, if you are unkind to someone, how dare they react negatively back to you, no matter what they have said or done in the first place and anyway, they deny they did anything full stop because you are the problem. Help, I am getting confused.Confused

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:32

colditz - sometimes someone can tell you they love you, they are not sure at a precise time if they love you, they don't love you, they are still fond of you...........

Bahhhumbug · 04/12/2010 12:33

I've been there - 27 years I served because like you - 'he wouldnt let me finish it'.

You now know exactly why he didnt want you to go out on your own. He feared he might lose his grip on you if you saw the outside. !!

GET OUT AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

Get in touch with Womens Aid, Womens Refuge - local Police have lots of Domestic Abuse leaflets etc available full of numbers that you can call for help. You can always get out - these men just are very good at making you feel you cant.

You can, you can , you can.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:34

The things is - if you start questioning them that maybe you shouldn't be taking all the blame, like you always have done, they don't like that at all.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:35

They don't like it if you attempt to stand up for yourself and think you are worthy of better treatment and should expect more in life as to how you are treated.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:37

That you don't want to do everything their way/that you are a person in your own right.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 12:40

OP, when you went out - did you realise that other people were not having the crap time that you were regularly?

Original poster
Cantseethewoodforthetrees · 04/12/2010 12:47

I think colditz has it nailed, they profess to love us but don't even realise that they are lying to themselves.

I googled Cognitive dissonance and it would appear I am right in the thick of it right now. I was desperate enough to post this morning but am already desperately trying to 'forget' already as the truth of my reality and the massive task of leaving with the 4 kids (1 of whom has sn) scares the living crap out of me, despite being a single parent prior to meeting current partner.

Believe, I know it sounds awful but I wish my partner would just leave us, I really hope over time that you come to see it as possibly one of the kindest things he has ever done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantseethewoodforthetrees · 04/12/2010 12:57

Believe, I knew other people didn't have the same dynamics as we had prior to the other weekends jaunt, I just didn't really twig I deserved better. I realised that I was still this witty, fun, attractive great woman, not the woman who I thought I had become..... I had so much fun, looked after all the kids the following day just fine, albeit rather hung over.

I guess the real me had a long overdue airing, and the me who he tries to make me think I am, doesnt really exist.

He has messed with my head sooo badly, I couldn't work out why I seemed to always feel so distant from my kids, good old Lundy has made me see it's all part of his divide and conquer plans. Since reading that chapter I feel so much more in tune with them. He had me so confused my head was always bloody full of him....no more! Off out sledging with my gang now but will be sure to check back later. Xx
Also please check out why dies he do that and the

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantseethewoodforthetrees · 04/12/2010 13:00

Sorry, flipping phone, meant to put check out why does he do that and the verbally abusive relationship, if you haven't already. They might help you in your recovery x. I feel It will be the best £12 I have ever spent xx

OP posts:
matildarosepink · 04/12/2010 13:14

Dear OP, seek Citizens Advice's help before you do anything. As someone else said on here, it will take some time before you can recover from the shock of it all and take it in. You haven't been an idiot, just trusting. We've all been a 'fool' for someone.

I also think you should think hard about money and assets before you do anything rash. If you run, he will/can always find you, or threaten to do so. Why should you be the one to be constantly looking over your shoulder, or the kids for that matter? Why should you run from all the things you've worked for because he's been the way he has? He's been the pillock, so IMHO he should leave, and you should be the one to dispose of the assets to give you the practical tools for a new start. (Get help with this one if you need it, you may have a nice friend or two who'll come and stay with you for a bit. You don't have to manage all this alone, whatever your chosen route is.)

When you're ready, seek some help from any of his family or friends who may see him for what he is too. The more exposed his behaviour is, the more he will shrink. Don't keep his mucky little secrets for him, he's relying on that to maintain his status as a bully and a coward. You've done nothing wrong, and you don't have to accept what he's done. Your children are watching you accept this all, I suspect you don't want this type of relationship to be their first template for what constitutes normality.. do it for them as well as yourself. When you can, of course.. only you know when you've had enough.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 13:16

cantsee - he hasn't left, btw, so I am with it still.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 13:18

matildarose - their family often will not accept what you say.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 13:19

Their family will prefer to believe their version. It is sad, but true, from my experience.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 13:24

Blood is thicker than water, I have found, and if their offspring is quite manipulative and cunning etc. they too can be taken in. I have been there, tried that.