Just reading why does he do that.......

[Cantseethewoodforthetrees]

I have namechanged for this post as my 'd'p knows my nickname I'm sure.....I'm an occasional poster, habitual lurker though. I just need to vent, somewhere safe to people who don't know me.....
I realised last feb. That there were aspects of our relationship that were very wrong after reading the many sad posts on here. I started making efforts to get the power balance on a more even kilter and have had a little success.... I have known I am not truly happy and 'postponed' our wedding from the planned date next year as I felt I couldn't commit my life to him with things as they are/were.2 weeks ago I had my 1st night out with my friends in 3 and a half years whilst he was away on business. He didn't want me to go, but I did ( because I wouldn't have to deal with him when I got home) and I had the most amazing time. I felt like me again, I chatted, I danced, I got a bit drunk, I went back to my friends and slept on his floor! Was one of the best nights I've had in ages!
The thing is something in me has changed after that night....that little voice I have ignored is now screaming out to be heard and after reading another mnetters thread at the start of the week I bought why does he do that and the verbally abusive relationship. I've started on the Lundy Bancroft book as my thread title states..... I've nearly finished it and am shocked but numbed to the core that my partner, father of my children and 'friend' has emotionally, sexually and physically abused me. It's there in black and White contained in those pages but my brain seems to be blocking my acceptance. I thought he was controlling, selfish and insecure but I never ever realised how bad things were...... Please help me to 'wake up' I want to be on my own with my amazing children, I have asked him to go before many times but he won't let me finish with him. I feel trapped, and scared because now I know what he is, what he does, how do I come to terms with it, let alone get myself together enough to leave and regain the life I once had and so badly miss..... I'm so sorry this is so long and about the lack of paragraphs.... Only place I can type is on my phone as I can delete history completely here, please if anyone has trawled through and would kindly repost with paragraphs I'd bevery grateful. I'm sorry this is so long and garbled

Modern day technology may bite him on the bum, in that case. I'm betting he's send some abusive texts/emails/ansaphone messages, etc. Not to mention the fact that others will eventually have been witness to it all. And the OP will have her own family and friends.

I'm simply pointing out that it's unlikely she'll feel confident enough to do this without help. Sometimes you have to talk about it and say it out loud (and sometimes more than once) to even begin to get a grip on the reality of the situation. I have been there, incidentally.. and a defeatist attitude won't help her, IMHO.

Don't mean to be defeatist. Maybe I should be quiet about things like being honest and talking to my in-laws, and not being believed.

But, I agree, that until you start saying it out loud, it will remain a secret, and you don't make it into a reality.

Just thought of something else to bear in mind.. he might think this is normal behaviour. And, for his family, it might be too(which may explain their lack of recognition/support). He must have got the idea from somewhere, despite the fact he - and he alone - is responsible for his own behaviour.

It's a crying shame when you end up bearing the responsibility for someone else's despicable behaviour.

Sorry, believeyourtruth, didn't mean to be critical. However, I really think the OP could be helped the best by having sympathy and listening from us all, but also by hearing about what has helped as well as the grim reality of 'what may also happen'.. if she feels that there is little positive help available, she may feel less confidence in getting out when the time's right. I hate the sound of a women's refuge, IMO that option paints her as a victim with no other options and absolutely no strength.

Sorry to those who asked a question, I was reading some fascinating stuff in AIBU ;)

Actually I didn't exactly find the strength to leave. I got so sick of being accused of having affairs I eventually tried to have one - wasn't very good at it, the potential OM ran off screaming before we'd even met, which is just as well. XH took this very badly, perhaps not surprisingly, and told his sister in my hearing that we were getting divorced. I thought this was brilliant as I hadn't believed it would be possible before. Of course he didn't mean it, but too late - I'd seen the light and was too damned stubborn ever to climb back into the box. Oh, he promised he'd change, he took on board all my points and realised he had a lot of making up to do... his resolutions lasted all of two days. I was so relieved that I wouldn't have to try to make it work any more that I was only a tiny bit horrified at how he had twisted everything around so nothing could possibly be his fault.

I do comfort myself with the thought that I wasn't really myself at the time of the not-affair (Major Depressive Episode, according to a psychiatrist), otherwise I'd never have gone there. I wish I hadn't, but as it was the catalyst to opening my eyes I suppose it was necessary. You're luckier - you have Mumsnet to show you the truth!

His dad is actually horribly abusive, abused him as a child and I strongly suspect abuses his step mum....I will not be going there for support surfice to say!

I too am regularly accused of affairs, although when I'd have the chance used to baffle me tbh I have recently learnt by his own admission he doesn't think I'd actually cheat.....mind games...

He too is in the 'i'll change' phase, it lasted oooo all of 5 days. He has asked me to help him to change but I am sick of calling him on all of his dysfunctional behaviours, I feel like a relationship Nazi. I just end up feeling bad because he is trying, but still along way from good and I keep on 'kicking him when he's down'. I told him the other day how I was feeling, he does listen and does try but that bloody great big sense of entitlement just can't be overridden. I just feel so sad by it all.

Mine doesn't even comprehend there is anything wrong with him - so there is no need for him to change. It was ALL my fault and the word 'sorry' does not exist for him. And, of course, I owe him everything (like I was some kind of charity case).

Katisha - yes, a feeling of righteousness.

And Me, Me, Me, Me.....

Believe, your dh sounds truly horrible :( my 'd'p is 70ish percent nice ( although I may realise with hindsight I am well off here) he will try to argue, baffle me, say I am misunderstanding him, funny that, how I only ever get that during conversations with him, when he calls me a name or makes a 'joke' at my expense, but if I refuse to back down he will retreat, apologise, say hat he won't do said offense again, but he just tweaks his tac slightly. So instead of calling me a whore, he'll make a 'joke' about women generically being whores.... I'm rambling now again sorry, justvtrying to say he is not a horrible monster, but there is usually a low-level of unpleasantness throughout daily life, which is rubbish and tiring and I can't be arsed any more to pander to it or walk on egg shells.

Be

Believe can you not leave him? If he has said it's over, your divorcing and you don't like him anyway, why hang about to wait for the final blow? Have you read those books I mentioned earlier?

This has been played out many times over the years, it is not new.

Well, I think you know what you need to do, it's just a question of 'when'. You don't need to leave things in your DH's hands - decide what you want and do it. For this to happen, though, you need to detach yourself and it sounds like at this stage you're better off ranting (we all need that sometimes!) rather than creating changes.

This isn't a criticism, believe it or not, letting off steam is good for us all! You just sounds very much still 'in it', and not standing back deciding what you're going to do. You're letting him dictate things..

Yes, dictatorial goes with the territory. And, sometimes we don't have alot of people in RL to rant on to!! And, it is good to know others have started better lives.

Stumbled across this the other day when searching about work problems but it equally fits these abusive relationships.

issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html

cantsee - some play mind games alot, and some of us just keep trying and trying and trying to make it better.And we end up with no confidence etc.

cantsee - maybe I should read 'Women Who Love Too Much'.