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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practical help needed. Ending a marriage for the DC's sake?

71 replies

TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:09

Short story is I have 3 children & their daddy hates them/ can't handle them.
Everything came to a head last night & I'm ashamed to admit I got very pissed & I think I have told him it has to end.
How do I finish this?
I have no money of my own, plenty of debt & a house that is mortgaged forever with no equity.
He works fulltime but we have a lot of debt & between us we have no family at all that I could turn to.

I can't ask him to leave because he has no-where to go but if we decide it is finished how do you manage a routine & how can I get the children out of here as soon as possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:31

bump

I need some help before he wakes up.

I have been up with 3 children since 5am because he sent them all to bed early yesterday.

OP posts:
thelightsareon · 04/12/2010 07:34

why can't he handle them? why do you think he hates them?

StrikeUpTheBand · 04/12/2010 07:37

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I am here...just not sure of the answer here. Maybe the first step would be to find out where you stand money-wise should you split up.

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:38

Because he always has. We have tried to make it work but I fear after the dreadfull day we had yesterday I got pissed last night & told him some home truths about how I really feel about his attitude towards the children.

If we didn't have the girls we would be ok but we do so for their best this isn't working & needs to stop.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 04/12/2010 07:38

Does he accept that he can't handle them? I ask because if he can and does, then he needs to access some help pronto. Therapy and parenting courses. All of us find parenting hard - question is, when did it get this bad? I'm assuming you didn't have three kids knowing he hated them all, all the way?

As to not being able to ask him to leave because he has nowhere to go - erm, you have three kids. He is an adult. That's his problem. If he is sending kids to bed at a ridiculous hour rather than man up and parent them, then he has to accept that their other parent may feel he is surplus.

Are you sure he hates them all the time, though? Is it really that consistent and not just his being tired and stressed about money etc - was it always this bad? How old are your kids?

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 04/12/2010 07:43

Try the citizens advice bureau? And of course you can ask him to leave. Good luck.

thelightsareon · 04/12/2010 07:44

I'm not sure I can offer any practical advice on how you can get out. It sounds like he has some issues that he should address - like others have said, parenting is hard and you have three kids to do it for. Maybe the arguement will bring about a proper discussion about what he finds difficult? If he could sort that out, then maybe there would be no need to split up? Are you happy with him as a partner?

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:51

I am happy with him as a partner, towards me he can be very loving when it suits.
He did apologise for his behaviour towards the children yesterday & I think he does know h etreats them bad but doesn't know how to be different.
He is defianatky stressed with work & money, we are in a dreadfull mess financially - him eaving th marital home isn't an option as he would have no where to go & we have no spare money for bed & breakfast.

I can't remember what I said last night but when dc3 woke me at 5am his attitude towards me was frosty to say the least & I have a habit of saying what I wouldn't normally/what I feel deep down when very pissed.

I think I need to follow this through this time. I've told him before but then back tracked & brushed it under the carpet the next day.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:53

Sorry forthe typos but I am in a dark room trying to settle a very tired little girl.

OP posts:
TDada · 04/12/2010 07:57

so sorry to hear. WHy does he resent them? Anything to do with his childhood? Does he blame them, subconsciously, for a change in your relationship?

thelightsareon · 04/12/2010 07:59

If you want the situation to chance, then yes I'd agree that you need to see this though.

Seeing it through might not necessarily mean splitting up, but it will have to mean getting to the bottom of his attitude towards the kids.

He can be as stressed as he likes about money and work, but it is not your children's faults. They could be where the two of you find your joy, not there to bear the brunt.

Do you have a plan for how you get out of the financial mess?

thelightsareon · 04/12/2010 07:59

situation to CHANGE!!! Sorry. Blush

PlentyOfParsnips · 04/12/2010 08:01

Hi Sleepfairy, I followed your other thread yesterday on and off. Poor you, you sound absolutely fed up.

I know it's hard but try not to do anything in a rush - take your time to work out whether this is really what you want. You don't mention much about your feelings towards each other, just that he can't/won't cope with the DCs. Do you still love him? Do you think he still loves you? You've told him a few home truths and that could be enough to start to turn things around.

Is he working today? If not, could you arrange for a friend to have your DCs for a couple of hours to make time to talk?

Splitting up takes a lot of time and organisation - you won't be able to sort it all out before he wakes up. If, after talking, you still feel the same, it should be him who moves out. Could he stay with a friend for a few days to give you some breathing space? Bear in mind that if you do separate, he's very likely to want contact with the DCs (if he doesn't, I suppose that just proves you were right all along), so if the problem really is his rel.ship with the DCs it's probably not going to go away. I do wonder, though, how much this is him being stressed about work and money.

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 08:02

There is a lot of blame towards the children. Fist DC arrived quite soon after we met & dc3 was a suprise to say the least, we couldn't afford childcare for all 3 so we decided I would be a sahm & financially this broke us.

He ha d a shit childhood but in some respects this has made him a better aprent than I am but then again I am at home with them on my own 99% of the time.

When he is at home (one day a week) I tip toe around him trying to keep the girls quiet & he has told me before he feels left out & not needed in the home. I can see his point but he makes no effort to be happy at home & I need a routine with the small children.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 04/12/2010 08:07

Speak to your local Surestart about accessing help with parenting for him. He needs to understand that if he doesn't step up and treat them better then you will leave. You need to spell out that you love him but you are their mother and this is the only childhood they are going to get, and you won't allow it to be emotionally abusive.

Has he no friends? Family? Why does it have to be a B&B? Because a breathing space might be good.

I think perhaps he is able to scapegoat them if very stressed elsewhere in life. He may even associate them with the money worries.

Was there a time when they were smaller that things were different? How old are they, again? Because three tiny kids IS stressful, and if he is freaking out about work, coming home to mayhem may be pushing him over the edge. I'm not making excuses for him, and you're right to prioritise the kids obviously, but maybe time somewhere more peaceful so he can regroup a bit might be no mad thing. Nor might a visit to his GP if his behaviour is new, and stress related.

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 08:09

I do love him very much but for the girls sake this isn't working.
I don't believe he would want contact with the children & I believe he see's them as the biggest mistake he ever made.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 08:16

He wouldn't have time/the patience to do parenting courses. I have done a few though.

I do think he needs time to himself to decide what he wants.

Can I really just tell him I want him to leave?
I have obviously told him last night when pissed, not that I remember but that's not a first unfortunatly.

He pays for everything, I have no maoney of my own & the children only have CB. They are 8, 6 & 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 08:32

I think it really is time to give him space.
I'm trying to hold it togeather for the girls but today is going to be a long day.

OP posts:
proudnscary · 04/12/2010 08:41

You need to talk today, you don't even remember what was said last night! He needs to know how deep your concerns are, how desperate you feel.

You have money worries and three young children. That would put strain on the strongest of marriages.

Your opening post says 'for the children', well you need to think very, very carefully about what would be most/least harmful for them. Don't rush into anything.

violethill · 04/12/2010 08:43

Right, there are no quick fix solutions but a fee things spring to mind:
You had 3 children pretty close together, at least one unplanned. That nearly broke you financially. Understandably you've both had major stress through financial problems.
However, 2 of your girls are in school now. The 3rd will soon qualify for a decent amount of free nursery care. You sound like you need to get yourself back in the workplace- this will have the twofold effect of improving things financially and getting you away from being stuck at home all day.

You say you imagine your DH wouldn't want contact with his children if you split. Have you actually asked him how he feels? Because that's a shocking assumption to make.

It also sounds strange that your relationship would be totally fine if it weren't for the children. If that's really true, I would also suggest counselling/ parenting classes.

You seem absolutely determined to believe the girls hate their father - be careful not to make assumptions. You may be unhappy but you need to find out what's going on in his head.

Splitting won't be easy- your DH has rights too and you can't just kick him out on the streets. I would try to improve your financial situation tbh

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 09:05

Oh viol the girls don't hate him, they are very forgiving of his & mine behaviour & I know they love him.

I would never deny him time with the children infact I have often thought he would make such a better job of bringing them up than I am. I wonder sometimes what would happen if I left & maybe it is me that is causing all the heart ache?

We are trying with our debts & we are in a debt management plan which leaves us nothing every month.

He has gone to work now & I still don't know what I said but I can imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 09:08

Just wanted to add that I do believe if he left he would mmake time to see the children, he can't handle them & has no relationship with them because I am here to do all that side of the relationship for him.
If I wasn't here he would have to manage & i think he wold step up to the plate & do a good job. He has no family to fall back on but he is a determined & ambitious man.

OP posts:
violethill · 04/12/2010 09:16

So in other words, there is a dynamic going on which means you are somehow 'crippling' eachother? Rather than pulling together, you are preventing the other from being the good parents you want to be?

I wonder whether counselling together would help? you seem to be living separate lives as parents. You build the relationship with the girls , almost in place of him having one.

I also cannot recommend enough that you try to find work, and build more of a life outside the home, simply because that forces your relationship onto a more equal footing- you will have a better understanding of the pressure he's under and vice versa

FellatioNelson · 04/12/2010 09:19

You haven't given too much background, but can I suggest that before you insist on splitting up you give him a chance to get some help? He sounds stressed and possibly depressed and maybe in need of some counselling. If he is the only breadwinner and you are under a great deal of financial pressure it can be horrible for a man - he may feel he has failed you all, and if he can't bond with or cope with the children due to being poorly parented himself that will compound things, and he will feel isolated, like he is getting all the responsibility and none of the fun out of a family.

Assuming he hasn't been violent or seriously negligent or abusive to them then there is still hope, isn;t there?

Look at it this way - if you had suffered terribly from PND and found it hard to cope with or bond with the children you would think it terribly unfair if you were just given your marching orders -away from your home and your family, without being given the chance to get the appropriate help wouldn't you? Don't make the mistake of thinking that life on your own with three kids and no money is going to be a bed of roses either, and growing up without their dad will have its own negative effects on your children.

You needed to have this conversation with him, but hopefully it will be the beginning of him at least trying to turn things around, but it sounds like he can't do it on his own.

Then if you still need to split up, so be it. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet.

violethill · 04/12/2010 09:27

Thats a very good post fellationelson. I think the comparison with PND is helpful - sometimes people can be under enormous crippling pressure. Tbh if the OPs dh is basically a loving attentive partner, but things have gone badly wrong since having children, it sounds as though he's stressed, or depressed.