Practical help needed. Ending a marriage for the DC's sake?

[TheSleepFairy]

Short story is I have 3 children & their daddy hates them/ can't handle them.
Everything came to a head last night & I'm ashamed to admit I got very pissed & I think I have told him it has to end.
How do I finish this?
I have no money of my own, plenty of debt & a house that is mortgaged forever with no equity.
He works fulltime but we have a lot of debt & between us we have no family at all that I could turn to.

I can't ask him to leave because he has no-where to go but if we decide it is finished how do you manage a routine & how can I get the children out of here as soon as possible?

almost we have always made a joke of the fact that he may of thought DC3 wasn't his baby. When preg I used to call her our jeremy carl baby. We have had a tearfull night when he reasured me without doubt that he knows she is his child.
I'm not the best wife in the world but I have always remained faithfull.

I probably have dealt with his cancer better than he has, after all it wasn't me that had to go through it I just had to be supportive.
I worked for the emergency services so I just applied my coping strategies to it & we got on with it.

I think I will ask him to come to counselling, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't know how he truly feels about any of our issues.

OP - it is possible to get low-cost counselling.

It sounds dreadful.

But on the bright side, you have two children of school age, and a 2 year old. So you only need childcare for one. It seems to me that you have no option but find a job, as this will take the pressure of him and you both financially. Could you find a childminder who could provide after school care for the older two, and have your youngest in the day time?

It is not realistic to be a sahm, when you only have one young child to look after, if your family is in debt and financial mess.

The drinking has been a problem for me for some time & I had managed to stop for a while. I allowed myself to get angry yesterday & decided a drink was needed & as normal it never stops at one.
I am aware I have a bad relationship with alchol & it is something I am trying to deal withm last night was a mistake on my behalf.

I don't have a car & DH car is a company car which I am not allowed to drive unless he is in the vehicle.

I have tried to get night work in our local superstore but I wasn't succesfull.

I'd love to work & have thought about applying to our local community care home but the hours don't fit with DH being able to be here to take over childcare & right now don't think he could cope with all 3 of them but I could be wrong.

Money wise things should get better during next year as we are in communication with our debtors to work out paying the smaller ones a certain amount & freezing some of the bigger ones.

Cost of 2 children after school care - up to £12 a day each in term time, more in school holidays. Cost of 2 year old childcare £21-£35 a day. I can understand people making suggestions about finding work, but think some being a bit harsh and unrealistic as to if there will be any money left from wages after childcare, or if indeed wages will be as much as childcare. OP in difficult position

May I suggest you don't buy alcohol if you say things you can't remember when pissed and you are struggling to buy food.

You need to both go to your GP and ask for help. You can get counselling in the NHS and it is free and you don't always have to wait very long.

Where to begin?

Everyone else has made very good points. I also wonder if your dh could access counselling through marie curie or macmillan charities? It would be free. He sounds as though he has also bottled a lot up and he must have been hiding a lot from you.

It may be that he doesn't feel he needs to talk about his cancer however it is useful to think about these charities as it is a way to access free counselling.

Ime men with illness bottle an awful lot up as they feel that is the manlything to do. dig enough under the surface and you can be horrified as to what is going on. Also I would chat t the gp re counselling. It can be accessed on the NHS and it sounds as though you both have reason to go.

Jobb wise, would you consider evening work? Especially if you were with emergency services before you have up? there is often jobs that need doing in the evening, they are often very part time and (apart from being paid getting you out etc) it also means your dh has to take over care of the girls for those evenings. Hence the bond between tehm is allowed to develop.

finally, when you have your chat, discuss a new routine on his day off. One that involves all of you. It really helps when you all do something together for everyone to feel bonded. If you find the answer to them squabbling though dont keep it to yourself!

x posts I think. What about telephone triage though. you dont need to be trained and can use public transport to get there.

Dh will cope if he has to.

sleepfairy I was lucky enough get a little cleaning job where was allowed to take youngest dcs Difficult to get on with it(as it is at home) and have to watch dc doesn't get hold of cleaning products, but bit of extra money with no childcare costs.

Re: the cost of childcare - yes, it may take up most or all of OP's wages to start with, but before long she'll be getting a proportion of free care for the pre-schooler. Then before long that child will be in school, and then you're only looking at after school and holiday care (factoring in that you and your DH would be able to take your own holiday entitlement to cover some of this). It is worth it, you just need to look at these things long term. Also, there are many more advantages to working , not just money - the psychological boost of getting out, using your skills etc

The OP mentioned working for the emergency services previously, so why not look at that? I think looking for night work stacking shelves or in a care home could be the kiss of death to your relationship with your DH - it may save you childcare money, but will pile huge pressure on with both of you juggling work and then coming home and having to take over at home. Invest in a childminder or nursery and start to enjoy your time off together.

that's a very good idea a1b2 I have been looking out for cleaning jobs & cring for the elderly within their own homes, nothing has come up yet but that type of work would be easier to manage although how any one copes in the school holidays is beyond belief!!

I have had a look at the rlate website & found our nearest centre, I need to speak to my DH & see where we are at, dreading it if I am honest but then I always wallow in a bit of self pity the day after a binge.

I have re-read my thread & I am coming across as a heartless, lazy pisshead who can't be bothered to find a job.

I really am trying over here but sometimes it all feels so worthless.

Again, I appreciate every-ones's views.

I ended my career with the emergency services working weekend nights. DH hated me leaving for work as soon as he got in & then me needing sleep during the day so right now I don't think nights would help our relationship.
I understand that we need extra money so I should be gratefull for any job I can get but i started this thread because dh are having major problems which I thought were due to his relationship with the children & I am now realizing it has nothing to do with that.

sleepfairy you are not a heartless, lazy pisshead who can't be bothered to find a job

You are trying.
Anti-depressants from Doctor could help lesson the feeling need to take to drink to cope.

I don't think you're coming across as lazy and heartless. But I do think you need to start talking to your DH openly and honestly, and listening to what he really feels.

Sometimes, when people have been through a prolonged period of high stress (and I do think cancer, possible infertility, miscarriage, debt and unplanned babies = high stress) then they appear to cope at the time, but actually never express or admit their inner fears.

I also think you need to plan for the future - not just short term low wage work, but what are you going to do, together, long term to tackle the debt and get you back into a more equal partnership, where you don't feel parenting is all 'your' job, and he doesn't feel earning is just 'his' department.

Your children are now 8,6 and 2. You aren't stuck in the same situation as you were a few years back. Three years ago, you had a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old, and had discovered you were pregnant with an unexpected 3rd. You would not have been a good prospect employment-wise then. Your DH had only recently finished cancer treatment. Three years on, two children are in school, it won't be long before 3rd child is, and your DH is further away from the cancer. You are on the up again - just keep working together

problems could still be to do with his relationship with the children, just there are other things as well.

Sleep Fairy you are a very courageous lady, I absolutely admire you for being so open and forthcoming on this thread. IME negative situations start for one reason but continue for entirely different reasons. As other posters have said you've got a complicated set of situations that need to be unravelled. The 1st step is to communicate honestly and share your feelings with each other. Work on allowing each other the freedom to speak fully and to be understood completely. Good Luck, you've got the strength to cope with anything after all you've been through.

Granted if you're looking to save a marriage nights are the worst thing you could do. Definitely to be avoided.

I was thinking of evening work though. A lot of them are 10 - 15 hrs a week so more manageable. It does equal better pay as well so you can actually enjoy your time off together. there is no childcare costs and in a few years you can get back to days.

i'm currently on this plan. It isn't easy at times but it is worth it. Not only that, but the big advantage is that in our house child care is not viewed as solely my domain. I'm sure it would be if I were a sahm. It is not easy walking out the door as dh comes in but it isn't every night, both of us feel it is worth the pay off. I ahve to say that working nights otoh was destructive and I would do everything to avoid that again.

It also means we can actually do something on our time off. There is nothing worse than feeling unable to move out of the house as your so skint. I think one of our most miserable times was when we couldn't afford to do anything but pay bills.

We don't communicate very well at all. I tend to get a bit girly & tearfull because once I start sayig it all out loud it sounds so scary.
DH is very good at communicating on a factual level with work but at home we just muddle along.

When I tried to speak to him about my drinking he litrally brushed my worries aside within one sentence & basically told me to stop over thinking things.

I have been given a lot of things to think about but mainly I think I have been misreading DH's lack of relationship skills as him not wanting us & it may be because he is feeling under pressure with our debt, health problems & different parenting skills.

I will try & speak to him tonight.

I think you show a lot of insight into your situation, thesleepfairy, and I do think you sound right, that you are interpreting your DH's lack or relationship skills as a rejection of you and the children, when in fact, I think you probably love each other deeply. You've both had the sort of stresses many couples deal with, but it's all been packed into a few years, rather than spread over a lifetime, and I think you've done brilliantly to stick together through it. You now need to do more than just stick together though - you need to start enjoying your life, and planning for your future.

Good plan to talk tonight.

YOu have got some great advice, can I also add that you must go back to the debt management company or (better) one of the free debt management charities (CCC or Payplan) and tell them you cannot manage. You must get these horrendous debts under control before you can even begin to rebuild your marriage/family life as they are basically the stress that is corroding it. I'd also point out that you need to check that if you work, it won't just be poured into your debt. My life is 10000% better now we have a good and regular debt management plan in place, and it has allowed us all to calm down, seek more and better paid work, enjoy each others' company.

If your husband is saying 'I don't know why we had children, everything was ok before then' (which is not what he actually said but this is what you believe), this is just an expression of his extreme frustration and stress of being in debt, having three girls to depend on him, the knock-on effect of having cancer, and of seeing his wife also struggling with alcohol and stress herself. He must feel terrible and is probably suffering from depression/anxiety too which will impact how he interacts with the children. I very much doubt he really hates his own children, more likely he hates the circumstances you are in right now and blames himself for them.

I agree with whoever said you have to stop putting your energies into blaming each other, and start putting them into being a team that drags each other out of this mess. Stop criticising him, he's actually not cracked up and continues to work in very difficult circumstances, you've also held it together with the children. Get the debt sorted out so you are not scraping by and that will be one big worry off your mind which will allow you to relax a bit.

I get the impression you were hoping he would agree to leave just to solve the problem, I very much doubt he will. And, really, I cannot see it helping anyway, given you have a strong relationship between the two of you and your debts will not vanish. That is definitely a basis for continuing rather than jacking it all in in some desperate hope that any change is good change.

one thanks for your post it makes so much sense.
I have contacted NDL who are a free debt management company & they do think we have been mis-sold our plan & we are looking it to it all at the moment, I can't say to much more about it unless I name changed.

I know he doesn't hate them really, my post this morning was an angry & fearfull one, I am feeling a lot calmer now.

I do criticise him (never thought about that before) I am going to try & be on his side more instead of feeling like he doesn't want to be here.

I want him to be here because he wants to not because he has to due to debts but I don't think I have been treating him very well.