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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practical help needed. Ending a marriage for the DC's sake?

71 replies

TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 07:09

Short story is I have 3 children & their daddy hates them/ can't handle them.
Everything came to a head last night & I'm ashamed to admit I got very pissed & I think I have told him it has to end.
How do I finish this?
I have no money of my own, plenty of debt & a house that is mortgaged forever with no equity.
He works fulltime but we have a lot of debt & between us we have no family at all that I could turn to.

I can't ask him to leave because he has no-where to go but if we decide it is finished how do you manage a routine & how can I get the children out of here as soon as possible?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/12/2010 09:34

Is he ever rough or violent with any of you? Does he nag about housework, cleaning etc?

FellatioNelson · 04/12/2010 09:38

Yes - you say it's all about the children but I think if you could stand back and look at your own life as a thiry party would, you would realise that it is much, much more about the financial stresses and pressures you are both under, and the feelings of frustration and hopelessness and fear for the future. When you are weighed down with responsibility and debt, and cannot see any joy in anything anymore, as Violet said it can become 'crippling' - in an emotional sense.

If it's any consolation I bet there are literally thousands of other people going through just the same thing right now. It's a crap scary time at the moment, and you should try to visualise the 'situation' as the enemy trying to split you up, and fight it together. Rather than seeing each other as on opposite sides. The thing is, I think you clearly still love him.

detachandtrustyourself · 04/12/2010 10:06

Does he blame you for the children's bahaviour, so if they won't do as they are told first time, squabble with each other etc, somehow that is your fault for not being strict enough?

Does he blame you for the debts?

You say he is loving "when it suits". When does it suit him to be loving?

detachandtrustyourself · 04/12/2010 10:10

OP think about ILoveTIFFany's post

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 10:27

OP, why do you say that you think he feels the dc were the biggest mistake of his life?

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 10:29

Sorry I had to get the girls washed & dressed.
I really appreciate all of your input & you have given me lot's to think about, I'm now feeling a little bit sorry for my DH & I can see how left out we could make him feel but it is not intentional, he doesn't make an effort towards us all so we continue with our routine which can be a bit random.

He is not violent & may have a moan that I don't keep things as neat & tidy as he would he does help out.

I do feel it's my fault that the girls argue & misbehave, don't get me wrong they are not louts & I do think if they received some more positive attention from him they would behave better around him.

I think I should send him an email & see what he wants to do.
If i have told him I want him to leave he might think it's a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 10:36

believe we hadn't been togeather very long when I fell preg with DC1, we went through a very rough patch before DC2 came along but we did sort that all out face to face & agree on trying for DC2.
We struggled to concieve DD2 & had a mc that I didn't handle very well.
DH was then diagnosed with cancer so we went through all of that & was told he would be infertile due to treatment but a year after treatment finished I fell preg with DC3, she was born with a heart condition so that has been hard & I had to give up work because childcare was so expensive & I need to be with DC3.

OP posts:
detachandtrustyourself · 04/12/2010 10:37

Practically, you could go to citizen's advice or use online benefits calculator to see what help you could get. You could aim to get a job and maintenance from him eventually, but one step at a time, not many jobs about, lots of juggling with childcare etc. Having said that, if you get a job it may well give you a bit of confidence and independence.

He is an adult on his own, so easier for him to find somewhere to live than you and dcs, and legally you and children would be allowed to stay and him have to go, as far as I know. But I did not follow advice (and dissaproval of me thinking of making too many changes for dcs)that me and dcs should stay in the house, for a few reasons, which of course may not be the same as your reasons, and we left. And that turned out to be the right decision in my case, your case may be different.

detachandtrustyourself · 04/12/2010 10:41

x posts just seen about DC3 heart condition. Makes working again harder.

almostgrownup · 04/12/2010 10:44

You've got a huge amount on your plate, how difficult this must be. Was your DH relating better to the DC before he got cancer? Must be enormously difficult for him too. Feel for both of you.

FellatioNelson · 04/12/2010 10:47

Oh BLimey - now you tell us all this! Don;t kick him out. Go and gets some counselling together please. Go to the GP.

detachandtrustyourself · 04/12/2010 10:48

sleepfairy IME and imo, most siblings argue, especially close in age ones! How is that your fault?

Original poster
TheSleepFairy · 04/12/2010 10:52

We can't afford counselling, we can barely afford food at the end of he month.
When ever I talk about the cancer people imagine it to be a horendous time but we managed it very well, it was caught & dealt with very quickly, hell he only had 2 weeks away from work & even worked from home during chemo.
It was 4 years ago now.
I'm worried about what I said last night,I have been feeling very down about his relationship with the children for months & it's very like me to bottle it all up, drink to much & let it all out.
I do't feel like I should apologise but I don't want him to go, I do love him dearly but I wish we were a happy family.

OP posts:
believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 10:54

OP may think it is her fault - just because she is doing the majority of the parenting.

violethill · 04/12/2010 10:57

Agree with fellatio

In fact its a bit worrying that you didn't mention the cancer til now. It implies that you don't see it as a major factor in the shit time you've both had.

Look- stop focusing on the little things- the kids squabbling or the house being a bit messy - these things are totally normal, and start looking at the big things- your dh had cancer, you had a miscarriage, you had a 3rd child unexpectedly,who has health issues, you have big debts and your dh is having to be the sole provider!! Blimey- ANY couple would be struggling. Stop seeing him as the enemy and start pulling together. A job will do wonders for your self esteem, as well as strting to tackle that financial mess. TALK to your dh- when sober- don't send an email, he's your partner not a work colleague.

One step at a time- there is a lot to unravel here but you CAN move forward if you work together

almostgrownup · 04/12/2010 11:00

Counselling when referred by a GP is free. Counselling from Relate is also free or reduced for those in financial need.

He may not have dealt with the cancer as well as you. It seems a huge deal. And being told the treatment would make him infertile, could he secretly be thinking DC3 is not his?

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 11:03

I think you need some more time for yourself to give you a break and some time away from your home responsibilities. I think that would help you - a bit of breathing space, doesn't have to cost money, just to have some to time to recharge your batteries. You are getting worn down. Having just little breaks will help you.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 11:05

I do believe, obviously, the two of you need to pull together and become more of a team, but you are getting worn out and that will make it hard.

ChildofIsis · 04/12/2010 11:05

Sleep Fairy my heart goes out to you and your family. What a trying time for all. You say you're in a debt managemnt program, could it be renegotiated to leave a little spare each month? IME men hit a huge low if they believe they're failing their family. They often take their responsibilities so seriously that any threat to income comes as a physical blow and they then want to blame someone else to cope. Do you think he may've disassociated with the family as a coping mechanism? If that's true then there's room for change and this low point you're at could be the start of a new way of being together, if that's what you both want.

violethill · 04/12/2010 11:05

X posts there. You say you handled the cancer well, but you need to let your dh talk about how he really feels. There may be underlying feelings of anger, fear etc even if on the surface you both appeared to cope.

I would refer again to fellatios earlier post: imagine a man posting on here and saying, 'my wife had PND but it wasn't a huge deal, she just took a couple of weeks off work And we coped with it really well. '
I think you'd find a lot of posters jumping in saying what an assumption to make, and how could you possibly know what's really going on under the 'coping' veneer.
Remember men have emotions too. Your dh sounds very stressed at least, if not depressed- talk to him openly and start pulling together

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 11:07

Do you feel you need more support practically/moral support from your H, and if you just had that, you wouldn't be struggling on your own with parenting so much?

Anniegetyourgun · 04/12/2010 11:09

I'm afraid I'm going to come over like some alcohol-hating Puritan because I've said this sort of thing a couple of times lately - I'm really not! I like a drop or three as much as the next hedonist, but it's expensive. I just think in the circumstances where you can barely afford food, to consume enough alcohol that you don't even remember what you said the night before is like pouring money down the sink. Just don't buy any booze and you will (a) save money, (b) not say things you would probably regret if only you could remember what they were!

That said, you have both been through one hell of a lot and it's no wonder your relationship is at rock bottom. You also sound depressed. Blaming yourself for children being, well, childish, and thinking your family would get on better with you out of the picture, is a common symptom and I wonder if your doctor could help. Some counselling and possibly anti-depressants might help you see the wood for the trees.

And what everyone else said.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 11:11

Have you got nearby friends that you could spend a couple of hours with regularly - time for yourself?

Can you sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your H about you together making improvements?

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 11:14

When you are struggling as a mum, are down, and the time and effort looking after three DC takes, it is very easy to start thinking - oh, I'm not a very good mum, they would do better without a mum like me.

I have felt like this when I am down - but it is just because I was feeling down when I thought it, not because I wasn't a good mum. I bet you are a very good, caring mum to your DC.

violethill · 04/12/2010 11:15

Fair point Annie. If you are seriously struggling to buy food, what on earth are you doing drinking heavily? It may blot out the pressures short term, but it's no solution, and in fact is making things worse, as you now can't even remember what you said. I do think if this were turned around and a man posted saying he'd drunk so much he couldn't remember if he'd told his wife he wanted her to move out, he'd be getting less sympathy than you are.