Slight MIL concerns

[fruitybaubles]

I've namechanged for this just in case as DH knows my usual nickname, this is something I have discussed with him but it's quite a sensitive subject as you can imagine.

MIL is perfectly lovely to me when we visit but a couple of things are concerning me a bit, particularly since DS was born at the beginning of this year.

She seems to take pride in having no patience and being quick to lose her temper. She brags about it. She is absolutely vile to FIL and humiliates him in front of other people. She freaks out about any mess (she physically beat FIL for spilling some tea on the carpet) and DH wasn't allowed toys out as a child, he was allowed to play with one at a time even though they bought him every single toy on the market at the time apparently. She jokes about how when DH was little, she once got so angry with him she strangled him round the neck and kept him off school until the bruising from the fingerprints had gone. DH says he was a very naughty child and was always being screamed at and he must have deserved it.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but the above things have made me wary of her and reluctant to let her babysit DS on her own when I go back to work soon.

But the thing that has unsettled me the most is something she said at the weekend. I was telling her how DS won't nap during the day at the moment. She told me that DH wouldn't nap when he was the same age (6 months) and she used to (she did an 'angry face' at this point) wrap him up so tightly that he couldn't move then shake him and shake him until he went (she did a 'eyes rolling, tongue out and floppy head' impression) then put him in the cot.

This upset me so much, I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about poor DH as a 6 month baby with her as a mother.

This has made it clear in my mind that I do not want her looking after DS.

I'm not sure how to navigate this diplomatically - she has already arranged to retire early at the end of this year so she can be available to look after DS when I go back to work. She is always perfectly lovely to me (apart from a comment about breastfeeding being disgusting and a couple of mucky looks when I try to start a conversation with FIL).

I know there are people on here with far worse MIL issues but I just don't want her spending time with DS on her own.

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do? I think DH would support me, he knows I'm uncomfortable with her temper and abusive relationship with FIL (I also wonder how I can protect DS from the way she is with FIL - I don't want him to think it's OK to treat people like that but at the same time I don't want him to think it's OK to just take the abuse like FIL does. I also want to be careful how I deal with this subject when DS is older as I'm sure he'll love his grandparents to bits).

This has turned into a bit of a long ramble. I guess I just wanted to talk really and seehow others might feel in the same situation?

There's no way I would let her look after my child.

What is your DH's opinion on this - have you spoken to him about it?

Bloody hell
no need ot be diplomatic
Keep your DS away from her at all costs

I'm sure someone will come along soon with better advice but i didn't want to read and run!

There is NO WAY I would be letting my MIL have DD if she was even half as bad as you say. Shaking a baby is never ever right. Hitting your DH is never ever right!

TBH i wouldn't even let her babysit for ten minutes just in case. It's not worth the risk of something gong wrong.

and next time she tells you something awful she did to your DH say "yes, and he will be picking your care home so be scared you foul bad tempered woman"

btw. I'm sure your DH will agree. Maybe show him the thread. You are clearly diplomatic and trying to look on her 'positive traits', I think he may need to see it written down to appreciate his normal, isn't.

does your DH know how she treated him isn't normal?

Having grown up with an abusive mother, he may not (yet) realise the extent of her behaviour. So yes you have to be sensitive, but you also need to tell him exactly why she cannot ever be alone in the same room as your DS let alone look after him. Your DH could have been brain damaged or killed by her treatment. She sounds deranged and extremely nasty and I would beware of encouraging a close relationship between DS and her. If you tolerate even one shouting or unreasonable action, you will be opening the door to further displays...so don't.

Crikey.

Bollocks to diplomacy, there is no way I would leave my baby with this violent monster.

I would just say 'bearing in mind what you have told me about shaking a 6 months old baby to bits you freak of nature you will not be left with my child'.

And just deal with the nuclear fall out afterwards.

I would rather have a monumental row with a child abuser than risk hurt feelings.

Surprised you had to ask, frankly.

Also - I can't stop thinking about this now - If she told you that, what has she NOT told you.:(

Go with your instincts. Mine are flashing red.

i think that you need to sit down with dh and have a very very open and calm discussion.

Did you ask her to retire early to "help"? If you did, this will make putting other arrangements in place a bit tricky; but you should go ahead all the same.

She sounds horrible

You are well within your rights not to have this lady look after your child if you are uneasy (and with good reason). I'd find alternative arrangements asap.

What do you know about her as a person, what do you know about her background (her own family)?.

Given her behaviour to you as well I'd would now keep your distance both physically and emotionally from both MIL and FIL. I would not let him off the hook either; he has acted as a bystander within this dysfunctional family unit of your DHs as well and he remains with her. He did not fully protect his son from her worst excesses of behaviour at the time. You all need people around you who are supportive of you all, not toxic relations.

I don't think this will end without fallout; whatever you say to her, however diplomatically you both put it will be taken by her as criticism. You cannot reason with such people at all and it will not go well. That said though your DH needs to talk and both of you need to present a united front to them, this is not just your issue.

Oh My! There is no WAY I would let her babysit. I don't let my SiL babysit, and that's just because she doesn't seem to be very loving towards DS, she certainly hasn't done anything like your MiL!

Personally I think you should consider getting DH some counselling too.

Nothing useful to add but just had to say - She sounds deranged and please don't leave your baby with her!! !

Not a fucking chance would i let her babysit my baby, and never leave a child on their own with her

Isn't it called 'shaken baby syndrome',when this leaves them with brain damage?

And she brags about it?!

Am totally shocked by your MIL and am really quite scared by what your DH must have gone through as a child.

Do you think she's exaggerating for effect or is going slightly senile? I ask this genuinely because my FIL is similar in so much as he will say what a terrible Father he was, things he did etc and both my DH, MIL and SIL will just roll their eyes, tell him to shut-up and promise me it's not true and it's just an attention seeking/old age/going slightly bonkers thing. Now luckily I will never be in the situation where he's going to look after my child as we live too far away!

Of course I agree with everyone else, there is noway on earth she should be looking after your child, you'd constantly fret over what was happening to him. Sounds like your DH will be understanding and between you you'll just have to put your best diplomatic hats on when confronting your MIL.

Thank you for replying so quickly. This is exactly what I thought, it is such an odd situation in their family though, it's like everyone is treading very gently and then just carries on as if it's normal after she's been awful, she talks like it's normal.I think that;s why the reality of it only fully hits me after the conversation has finished.

I have discussed things with DH in the past - he knows I don't want her looking after DS based on the first stuff I mentioned - he says it is different with DS being her grandson and that she wouldn't be like that with him, I'm not convinced of that, obviously - but we've not talked yet about the latest revelation from the weekend.

As for him realising it's not normal - I don't think he does. We have had arguments (about how he deals with his own impatience) where our childhoods have come into it and he thinks his experience is perfectly normal and it's mine that not (arguments were rare in our house and people were generally nice to each other).

I have never come across anyone like her before (my own family are very gentle), I was completely taken aback when she said about the shaking and I couldn't think of anything to say. I wish I'd been quicker to think now.

cross posted with loads of people, will read and come back in a bit

OMG. You are going to have to think of alternative childcare very quickly. People's character traits (the difficult ones) seem to get worse as they get older.

Therefore she will be less patient with a baby now than she was with your DH.

You might have to invent winning some money which is just enough to pay the nursery/childminder fees so, lucky her, she doesn't have to look after DS now.

It would be seriously scary to leave her in charge for one hour, let alone a day. She is a crazy lady.

Why would it be different with DS being her Grandson?
She obviously thinks it is an ok way to 'look after' children.
Your DH is wrong.It's not normal or safe behaviour.
Most of us lose our tempers and get cross with our DCs at times and do and say things we maybe shouldn't but six months is a tiny baby.
You don't EVER shake them.

She physically beats her husband and strangled your DH when he was a child so badly that there were marks.
She kept him off school so she knew what she had done was wrong.

I don't know how old he is but i'm surprised he wasn't taken into care.

"I have discussed things with DH in the past - he knows I don't want her looking after DS based on the first stuff I mentioned - he says it is different with DS being her grandson and that she wouldn't be like that with him"

And what if your DH is wrong and something awful does happen to your child?. What if she loses her rag with your boy and he spills stuff on her carpet. Look how she a cted then with her H. Your own H cannot and should not take the risk. Apart from anything else you are already uneasy about leaving DS in her prescence anyway and she has also uttered some unsettling stuff.

Problem is too that if you've grown up with this sort of overall dysfunction you do accept it as "normal". It can be hard to see otherwise. Also if like many people you have yourself come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown, they can leave you feeling powerless and at a complete loss re what to do. The "normal" rules of familial relationships do not apply to toxic, abusive or dysfunctional families.

Whatever the underlying cause of her dysfunction is (and there is always a cause/s be it an untreated or untreatable personality disorder, how she was herself treated by her parents to name but two) she still should not be looking after your child unsupervised. FIL also is her subserviant doormat and bystander (I say bystander because he did not protect his son from her as a child).

Such toxic stuff can all too easily become a generational issue; I would not count on it being otherwise as you rightly say. Toxic relations also are more than happy to pass on all their dysfunctions to the next generation.

It may be a step too far for your DH to consider currently but I would not criticise you at all if you were to cut them out of your lives.

Haven't read the replies but just to give you my experience;

My mil doesn't look after my dc's, I don't even leave them alone in a room with her, not for anything remotely as serious as you're describing but issues around how she treated dsd (that i wont drag up here!)

But it's not something we discuss, not sure if she's even aware of how strongly i feel about this, I just never let the situation come up.

We get along fine and everyone seems happy with how it works.

However you have obviously already discussed her looking after your ds so you'll need to do some back tracking but you do need to do something, she cannot look after your ds!

Have to say I don't think these are slight MIL concerns! That bit about shaking him is bloody terrifying... poor man sounds lucky to be alive!

I've namechanged for this too because I have similar concerns about my MIL. I'm lucky in that the PIL live at the other end of the country so there's no chance of them babysitting regularly. When we've visited so far there hasn't been any chance of her looking after DS (10 months) because he's very vocal about separation anxiety (!) but she's desperate to get him on her own. From how she treats him when we're all together I know this is because she wants to play 'perfect grandma' and show him off to all her friends

DH also says he was a really naughty child. He's described being hit by both parents, saying he always deserved it. Part of me does wonder whether it is partly a cultural thing as hitting is less acceptable now than it was 40 years ago. I'm pretty sure neither of them would dream of hitting any of the GC. It's more the attitude that children need to be disciplined and controlled rather than being loved and nurtured.

Not sure whether I'm going with this, but curious to see other people's thoughts.

You need to sit down with your DH and list all the things she's told you about her treatment of him. You then need to tell DH that you will not allow anyone to treat your son that way.

There is no discussion or compromise on this.

Direct DH to this thread if necessary so he can see that her behaviour is not normal.

MIL once smacked DDs hand down and made her cry when feeding her while she was sitting in her high chair.
It wasn't a tap,i saw her do it,it was a proper smack and she raised her voice saying NO quite forcefully.
She didn't even notice she had done it as she just carried on talking to the adults.

She never helped out with ANYTHING to do with DCs direct care again.

Thing was she barely knew DD or even me at the time as we lived hundreds of miles apart and it was only about the second time she had seen DD.

There also were/are issues over DPs upbringing and her temper.

These are not slight concerns.

I wouldn't let her anywhere near a child of mine.