Slight MIL concerns

[fruitybaubles]

I've namechanged for this just in case as DH knows my usual nickname, this is something I have discussed with him but it's quite a sensitive subject as you can imagine.

MIL is perfectly lovely to me when we visit but a couple of things are concerning me a bit, particularly since DS was born at the beginning of this year.

She seems to take pride in having no patience and being quick to lose her temper. She brags about it. She is absolutely vile to FIL and humiliates him in front of other people. She freaks out about any mess (she physically beat FIL for spilling some tea on the carpet) and DH wasn't allowed toys out as a child, he was allowed to play with one at a time even though they bought him every single toy on the market at the time apparently. She jokes about how when DH was little, she once got so angry with him she strangled him round the neck and kept him off school until the bruising from the fingerprints had gone. DH says he was a very naughty child and was always being screamed at and he must have deserved it.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but the above things have made me wary of her and reluctant to let her babysit DS on her own when I go back to work soon.

But the thing that has unsettled me the most is something she said at the weekend. I was telling her how DS won't nap during the day at the moment. She told me that DH wouldn't nap when he was the same age (6 months) and she used to (she did an 'angry face' at this point) wrap him up so tightly that he couldn't move then shake him and shake him until he went (she did a 'eyes rolling, tongue out and floppy head' impression) then put him in the cot.

This upset me so much, I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about poor DH as a 6 month baby with her as a mother.

This has made it clear in my mind that I do not want her looking after DS.

I'm not sure how to navigate this diplomatically - she has already arranged to retire early at the end of this year so she can be available to look after DS when I go back to work. She is always perfectly lovely to me (apart from a comment about breastfeeding being disgusting and a couple of mucky looks when I try to start a conversation with FIL).

I know there are people on here with far worse MIL issues but I just don't want her spending time with DS on her own.

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do? I think DH would support me, he knows I'm uncomfortable with her temper and abusive relationship with FIL (I also wonder how I can protect DS from the way she is with FIL - I don't want him to think it's OK to treat people like that but at the same time I don't want him to think it's OK to just take the abuse like FIL does. I also want to be careful how I deal with this subject when DS is older as I'm sure he'll love his grandparents to bits).

This has turned into a bit of a long ramble. I guess I just wanted to talk really and seehow others might feel in the same situation?

Don't worry about being diplomatic!!

Your child's safety is at stake - never ever let this woman be on her own with your child.

I have similar issues with a family member and in 6 years, that family member has never been unsupervised, even for a moment, with either of my children.

I've never had to say anything, I simply ensure that the situation does not arise.

Hi - if she behaved like that with her own child, why should she be any different with someone else's?

If she asks why she is not being asked to babysit, I would tell her calmly that you are concerned about some of the things she has told you, and about her physical abuse of people round her, and that you are too worried for your child's safety to leave him with her.

If DH thinks he deserved to be hit when he was a child, it is probably because she told him he did!

I agree with previous posts - get DH some counselling, and get away from her.

I had similar issues with MIL, and am very happy to report that we have had no contact with the bitch for nine years. DH is happy about it too, and didn't really realise his family life was not normal until he came to stay with my family, which is.

Talk to DH, stick together as a unit, and you'll be able to face her.

Poor you and your poor DH. How upsetting to hear that his own mum thinks that shaking a baby is acceptable way of settling him.

I agree with everyone else. Do not let your MIL alone with your DS.

If your DH is not in agreement then let him read this thread. You are not overreacting. If anything younger underreacting.

"Slight MIL concerns" - really?

Do you generally consider letting child abusing lunatics childmind for you?

Fuck family dynamics and all the rest of it, your job is to look out for your DS at all times.

Agree with you that perhaps your DH needs some help to realise that this is not normal.

Poor bloke.

One thing you said 'We have had arguments (about how he deals with his own impatience)'. I was battered as a child for a myriad of reasons, one was if I lost something. My gran would get worked up in a furious frenzy, I would scour the house in terror looking for the thing that had gine missing (a biro, a cup, something trivial) and it would all end up in her screaming like a lunatic and beating me.

Took me ages to realise, but if I lost anything like car keys as an adult, I would scour the house in rage and furious sobbing and frustration at myself. I was just acting the same as I did as a kid.

Takes bloody ages to get over a childhood like that (if ever). He needs some help I think.

Is this first grandchild? Does mad MIL live near you? If so I would seriously consider living miles away from her. Monitor all visits at all times or failing that blank her. She is very dangerous. Not worth risk. Does she know and understand what she told you isn't right?? FFS, im worried for you!

I would second or third or whatever we're up to that your DH needs some help to come to terms with this and that you should NEVER leave this woman with your baby.

You could actually be my SIL's SIL IYSWIM?! DB's MIL is just like this, takes pride in having a "look that stops babies crying from 90 paces" (in her words). Mine, was the 1st baby in the family and I'll never forget the christmas she attempted to showcase her skill. It failed and DS clung to me sobbing at the scary woman. I felt sorry for her DH that night as I'm sure he got the wrath of failure as he so often does. I stay well clear of her, but DB and SIL regularly leave my niece and nephews with her and I hate it. They come back with tales of squishing insects, baking tadboles and cutting worms in half (G'Ma showed us - honestly she's like a bloody Roald Dahl character!!!)

However, all this aside, what you've described is child abuse. Do you KNOW she was saying that, or was it her mad, self-serving way of describing her obsessive swaddling and rocking routine? I'd tread VERY carefully b4 accusing her of that - but I'd also never leave my babies with her...

tadpoles

Definitely not slight concerns.
I wouldn't leave a child with her - make whatever excuse you can and leave you DS with someone qualified.
Personally, if I were you I would not leave your child with her even to babysit for an evening out. To think that shaking and swaddling a child into submission plus the admissions of hitting your DH is appropriate behaviour is highly worrying.

Good lord, what a disturbing thread.

Nothing to add OP, just wanted to reiterate that this woman is a fucking criminal. She should be locked up, not left to babysit.

To be honest, your tone worries me as it's rather passive. You shouldn't need to ask us what to do - you should just know that this child abuser must not be left alone with your DS and frankly I wouldn't let her within arm's length of him.

Forget that she is an old lady & a relative; would you leave your baby with a young man down the street who described shaking babies & strangling kids until their necks were bruised? Blood isn't always thicker than water.

Trouble with growing up with an abusive parent is that it can take a while for you to recognise that their behaviour is not normal. Your poor DH - it's not really registered yet, has it?

She sounds just like my mother. I have never left my child alone with her, and I never will. Because these people do not change and I'm not taking any chances with my son.

It's not really the time for diplomacy - just do whatever it takes to make sure your DS is not left with her, near her, around her. (Especially considering he is preverbal).

Your title is misleading! Nothing slight about this.

Truly horrendous.

You need to tell this woman tomorrow that she'll not be looking after your ds so she'd better put off her retirement plans and withdraw her resignation.
I have to say if I was told such disturbing things about what she'd done to my DH I would be so ANGRY on his behalf alone, never mind everything else going on here I don't think I could bear her anywhere near any of us, let alone my most precious.
She might be cheap, she might be convenient, but no way.

I haven't read the replies, but this woman would never, every mind my child. Not in a million years, whether or not my husband supported me.

Never. She should hand her head in shame for doing that stuff, nevermind bragging about it.

Also your poor DH needs to realise that what was normal TO HIM, is actually not normal at all. She sounds like a horrible woman.

It actually made me shudder at the thought of you leaving your child with her, and I don't even know you!

do you think she actually really wants to look after ds? why would she when she found her own baby so demanding and infuriating?? do you think she's trying to tell you how unsuitable she is? whose idea was it? bloody hell op she sounds horrific. well done for not colluding with the family policy of denial and normalising abusive behaviour.

Your poor DH. He needs therapy imo.

DO NOT leave your child with this woman.

When you are going back to work you should judge any potential chilminder equally.
Ask your DP if he would hire a nanny that openly told you these stories about previous charges?
Or if he would feel revolted and call the police.

I feel so sorry for your DH and you who are facing these issues. I just keep thinking of that poor baby who suffered her shaking and strangling.
I can't agree more with everyone else: your baby is in grave danger around this woman.

Fucking hell. I am so upset for your poor DH. Just the thought of the shaking etc. Jesus.

Never, ever leave your DS alone with this woman. NEVER.

Is this for real?

She could have killed her son by shaking him like that. Did she shake him unconscious at six months old? Oh. My. God.

She brags about strangling her son as a child? And nobody says anything to the effect of, "You are a disgusting bully and a child abuser. Get out of my house."

Because that is what she would get around here.

I couldn't give a stuff about family relations. If this is a true story, she is an extremely dangerous person around children.

Do not even consider ever ever ever leaving her alone with your child.

Sorry to disappear, thank you all for your replies.

I should have been more clear about the childcare arrangements - I have never told her she can look after DS, she is just assuming she will because she's his grandma. I'd already discussed with DH months ago that I wasn't comfortable having her look after DS and then this latest thing has just taken my fears about her to a whole new level. I've already arranged with my own parents to help with the bulk of the childcare but MIL was assuming she'd help out maybe a couple of days a week.

I think maybe my first post didn't reflect the fear I actually have of her being alone with DS. Whenever I post (particularly when OP) on MN I always try to step back a bit and not to sound too upset or hysterical if something is worrying me after having been accused of being PFB a couple of times although I know this is in a totally different league to anything else I've had to worry about.

Attilla said above 'It can be hard to see otherwise. Also if like many people you have yourself come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown, they can leave you feeling powerless and at a complete loss re what to do. The "normal" rules of familial relationships do not apply to toxic, abusive or dysfunctional families.' which I think sums up how bewildered I feel about having this in my life. I didn't mean to come across like it wasn't really bothering me.

Anyway, the reason I disappeared from the thread is because it discussing it with DH when he came home. The upshot is, I am not budging on this - she has said she did some terrible things, and I am not risking leaving my DS in her care.

DH understands why I feel this way however he was trying to play things down about how naughty he was when he was a child deliberately beingnaughty and deliberatly trying to wind her up and provoke her, he thinks this is because he was an only child up until he was 6 when his brother was born. He also thinks we should keep out of his parents relationship - he says he doesn't like it but his dad has done some stupid stuff (all I know is he ran his business into the ground and they lost their home, but I wonder if there is more to it than that? Losing the family business is surely no reason to be treating him like that over 10 years on??), DH also says that he thinks she is exaggerating and she is her own worst enemy because she makes things sound so bad. He doesn't believe she meant she actually shook him, he believes she meant she just swaddled him and rocked him to sleep (I absolutely do not believe that someone would exaggerate rocking a baby and say they shook the baby - everyone knows what shaking a baby means).

He is going to talk to her about it. I'm glad I have his support. I think it's difficult for him because he loves his mum and everything he has experienced is normal to him.

A bit of background on her, her own mum died when she was a little girl and her side of the family are all quite highly strung.

I will have to go now as DH is about to come back in because work is closed due to snow so i probably wont be able to get back on here til later.

Haven't read this through as trying to be quick, hope you can make sense of what i've typed.

thanks all for listening