Slight MIL concerns

[fruitybaubles]

I've namechanged for this just in case as DH knows my usual nickname, this is something I have discussed with him but it's quite a sensitive subject as you can imagine.

MIL is perfectly lovely to me when we visit but a couple of things are concerning me a bit, particularly since DS was born at the beginning of this year.

She seems to take pride in having no patience and being quick to lose her temper. She brags about it. She is absolutely vile to FIL and humiliates him in front of other people. She freaks out about any mess (she physically beat FIL for spilling some tea on the carpet) and DH wasn't allowed toys out as a child, he was allowed to play with one at a time even though they bought him every single toy on the market at the time apparently. She jokes about how when DH was little, she once got so angry with him she strangled him round the neck and kept him off school until the bruising from the fingerprints had gone. DH says he was a very naughty child and was always being screamed at and he must have deserved it.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but the above things have made me wary of her and reluctant to let her babysit DS on her own when I go back to work soon.

But the thing that has unsettled me the most is something she said at the weekend. I was telling her how DS won't nap during the day at the moment. She told me that DH wouldn't nap when he was the same age (6 months) and she used to (she did an 'angry face' at this point) wrap him up so tightly that he couldn't move then shake him and shake him until he went (she did a 'eyes rolling, tongue out and floppy head' impression) then put him in the cot.

This upset me so much, I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about poor DH as a 6 month baby with her as a mother.

This has made it clear in my mind that I do not want her looking after DS.

I'm not sure how to navigate this diplomatically - she has already arranged to retire early at the end of this year so she can be available to look after DS when I go back to work. She is always perfectly lovely to me (apart from a comment about breastfeeding being disgusting and a couple of mucky looks when I try to start a conversation with FIL).

I know there are people on here with far worse MIL issues but I just don't want her spending time with DS on her own.

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do? I think DH would support me, he knows I'm uncomfortable with her temper and abusive relationship with FIL (I also wonder how I can protect DS from the way she is with FIL - I don't want him to think it's OK to treat people like that but at the same time I don't want him to think it's OK to just take the abuse like FIL does. I also want to be careful how I deal with this subject when DS is older as I'm sure he'll love his grandparents to bits).

This has turned into a bit of a long ramble. I guess I just wanted to talk really and seehow others might feel in the same situation?

Well done for talking to your DH. I feel so bad for him, it really sounds like he hasn't understood how his childhood was not normal :( has he had therapy?

Anyway, do not back down at all, I wouldn't leave DS alone with her EVER.

My DH was horribly abused by his mum. I've never met her and never will, and she is never getting anywhere near our kids.

I think I would have to call her on her behaviour - "sorry MIL, but due to what you have told me about your abuse of DH as a child, I do not feel DS would be safe in your care"

If she's happy to tell you these things, maybe she doesn't see her behaviour as wrong/abusive - maybe it's how she was raised too.

Either way, I wouldn´t let her look after your son.

If it´s true-well, ye Gods, she obviously not fit to do any childcare.

And if it´s not true-then she sounds deranged & not capable of childcare.

Got some issues with my MIL as well.I try to avoid her babysitting at all costs and she is not as half as manic as yours.keep your child away !!!! she is dangerous!
it is one thing having to explain to your child all the wrong examples he will get to see around him(mine for example will see a lot of sexist and verbal abuse behavior in my DH family),let alone putting a child with a person that attempted to strangle her own son!!!!!!!!!!

Fruity
Well done for having a good chat with your DH about it.

I do think that he would benefit from some kind of counselling - so that he can hopefully see that the way in which he was brought up is in no way normal. It is important that he realises that there is no excuse for her behaviour.

Even now he is excusing her by saying that he was naughty, he wound her up.

There is no reason to put your hands around your son's neck and half-strangle him. Or to swaddle and shake him. Nothing that you child does or does not do would make that an acceptable reaction.

Why would she exaggerate or make these stories up?

Would it help him to read this thread, to see how you were trying to see it from your MIL's point of view, and trying to downplay the issues.

You did not come on MN ranting and raving about your bloody MIL, you are handling this very calmly - even though you must be terrified inside.

It may help him to see that, and to see the horrified responses to your posts.

Well done for having the conversation and sticking with your decision.

I would wonder why your husband defends her so much & would worry that he thinks he "must have deserved it".

It does sound as if on some level he doesn´t think that there is anything wrong with her methods of "discipline".

Your MIL has a mental health issue.

Stressful situations appear to tip her over the edge. Its a very difficult one because you want her to be involved in ds's life but yet you could never trust her to be left alone with him. Its sad she didn't receive the help she needed when her own kids were small. I feel sorry for your FIL (the way she is treating him) but he must take some of the responsibility for leaving her untreated all these years. Its not to late for her to see a doctor but I realise how to broach this would be a totally different matter.

On the one hand your DH says she wasn't that bad. On the other - the very fact that he says she wouldn't do it to your son shows that, even if deep down, he recognises that her behaviour is very, very wrong.

So wrong - that he can't imagine her doing it to his son.

Keep her away.

Wow OP I read this post like this .
This is by no stretch of the imagination a slight problem. This woman is psychotic. She humilates and physically abuses her own husband? She got her own child by the neck and throttled him leaving fingermarks? She boasts about this and sbout repeatedly shaking a small baby? I would not let this woman anywhere near my child nevermind unsupervised access. I would have reservations about visiting at all and exposing your son to seeing an abusive relationship which is clearly what she has with FIL. Do I understand it correctly that she doesn't like people starting conversations with her husband? Why is this?

No alarm bells ringong all over the place here. What a horrible woman.

"Took me ages to realise, but if I lost anything like car keys as an adult, I would scour the house in rage and furious sobbing and frustration at myself. I was just acting the same as I did as a kid."

GOML thats me too .

Oh and OP, in a million I wouldn't let this woman care for my child unsupervised.

You need to sympathetically try to let your DH know how wrong his upbringing was, get some literature etc. It can sometimes help to accept this kind of thing when seen written down in black and white by someone who cannot possibly know them.

Your poor DH and poor you having to be put into this position.

The repercussions of abuse in childhood are endless, the ripple effect, you can make it stop here.

Good that you have your DH onside. He could probably do with some counselling or something to make him realise what is and isn't "normal".

Don't do it. I had the same misgivings about my bil's wife. I had looked after her children, treated them well etc. However, i did not feel that i could trust her with my dc's.
One day, i decided to leave my dc's with her,
when my dd2 got home, i noticed a red mark on her face. When i asked her what happened she told me that my bil wife had smacked her because she had dropped her juice on the floor. I was livid and bnow barely talk to her. I should not have ignored my gut instinct, which told me that this woman was no good.

"I know there are people on here with far worse MIL issues"

Actuallly... I don't think I have read anything much worse or more terrifying about a MIL on here.

Your husband might still be labouring under the impression that her behaviour to him was justified as the abuse has been normalised for him (and lots of us have experienced this).... but under no circumstances can you let this woman have unsupervised access to your children.

If she should lose her temper just once and the worst happened to your child you would never forgive yourself or your DH.

You must, must, must trust your instinct on this, and even if you don't get DH's support, put very, very clear and firm boundaries in place (however difficult that will be... and it probably will be as she is a bully).

If you find this difficult to negotiate keep posting here or get some therapy (perhaps with DH) so that you are supported as it will be tough.

I had a not dissimilar situation with my DH and it was only an objective 3rd party (therapist in our case) who could make him see that some of his experiences were not 'normal'.

I didn´t leave mine with the ILs because I would have felt uneasy.

But they had never done anything like OP´s MIL.

Daft things like if we left baby with them & went into the garden, FIL would follow to talk to husband, & then MIL would follow

So baby would be left alone

Had misgivings about someone in my own family. I wanted to keep the relationship 'nice', so I just kept making excuses so that they never looked after my dc on their own. I was never direct about it, but I was absolutely sure in my own mind that I would never allow it to happen - and I never did.

As so many people have said before me - follow your instinct.

I agree...she is mental and should never be left with any child.
As for your DH...how can he make such a guarantee? she abuses her own husband and son why would her grandson be any different.
I'm gobsmacked that he justifys it by saying he was 'naughty' ask him what he did at 6 mths old that was so bad he deserved to be wrapped up and shook....he needs help to see that his mother is a vile abuser