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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband said he want the best for as.......and left

86 replies

monikaa · 28/11/2010 20:40

My H said that he loves his children (4y,1y), so much and he wants the best from them and he wants the best for me, that?s why he decided to leave. Because he likes going clubbing, partying, doing whatever he wants and not to tell me?etc.He said if he stays he wouldn't give up(his "thinks") and that would hurt me, so he better leave.
He left 3 days ago, I feel so sad and empty, I wish he will come back and put his family at first!

OP posts:
LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 30/11/2010 10:03

honey, you don't need to do anything. It's done. Sad

Take your time, let it all sink in, it'll hurt, of course, but we are here.

Do you have any RL support? Tell them, tell them everything.

Get some legal advice. Go see the CAB, tell them everything. They will help you, they are wonderful. Could someone go with you for support, note taking?

He has to continue financially supporting you, at least until you get some help and advice in place.

ValiumSingleton · 30/11/2010 10:05

Monikaa, you say "all I wanted was a happy family and now it is gone".

It's not gone, honestly. It's just a different shape. And you will be a happy family again.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 11:52

he is really trying to mess with your head, isn't he

he gave you his keys, good

he has told you what he wants now, so listen to him

he wants to throw his family away to go clubbing and networking (read shagging), so let him

he is the loser here

SlightlyJaded · 30/11/2010 12:08

snowflake Completely different context. I go to parties and don't cheat, but to leave a marriage in order to 'pursue clubbing and partying' is a whole differnt ball game and in my mind, still reads, pulling.

Monikaa. Please listen to those who have been through what you are going through. You will honestly come through this stronger, calmer and most importantly, happier. He will hit a certain age - whatever that age ends up being - and realise what he threw away for the sake of a few Saturday nights. He is a fool and it will be his loss.

Of course you feel empty and shell shocked and the best way to get through the next few weeks is to deal with the practical issues and try to be as calm and reasonable as you can. Get as much RL support as you can and keep posting here - even if it's just to have a cry x

Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 12:16

He didn't give me key by him self, after arguments and shouting and me asking for it,he gave it to me.
Just came back from CAB, advise wasn't as good as I expected.
I have to contact child support agency and I will get from him around 300£ p/m for child maintenance, but that takes few weeks/months...
To get more I would have to have an appointment with proper lawyer ( I would have to pay him around £200 p/h) to get more better advice Confused or I would have to divorce him and after that he would have to pay some money to mainten me too..

I wouldn't say that I will give him another chance.
Only it will be quite hard for me because of financies Hmm

And yes, I do have very good support from family (mine and his) and also all my friends Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 12:19

thanks all for your posting and support xx

OP posts:
Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 12:34

I still wanted to add that the reason why my husband wants to go clubbing and partying is because he wants to do for Filming (sriptwriter / director) and by him going out C&P, under it he obtains a new contact for his work.

OP posts:
fallingandlaughing · 30/11/2010 13:01

Monikaa my brother works in the film industry. Yes there is some clubbing etc. But he goes home to his wife and children and always puts them first. Sorry but your husband doesn't seem to be being completely honest with you.

fallingandlaughing · 30/11/2010 13:02

Also, while networking is important, contracts are made at serious meetings, not clubs.

Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 13:31

fallingandlaughing: my H would need to have a serious chat with your brother Wink

OP posts:
Baileysandice · 30/11/2010 17:49

Monikaa, please call DWP, or look on directgov for advice and info. You should get benefits now he has left. Contact local council also tell them regarding getting housing benefit, council tax benefit. You will need to be very brave as im afraid you will find out there IS IN FACT OTHER PERSON. No man walks away from family unless other person involved. Sorry I know you don't want to hear this but sweetie if you can get your head around this fact the rest will get easier and you will get stronger. Where is he living now? Have you asked him??

StuffingGoldBrass · 30/11/2010 21:00

Is this knobend working, at the moment? Or is he just wanking about with ideas for his Great Film Script (that will never be made, because the film industry is crawling with wankers who are 'networking for their project' when they have no project, no talent, no backing and are just wanking). If he isn;t working and you have been supporting him, you are going to be even better off to get rid of him.

Xales · 30/11/2010 22:06

I think there is more than he is telling you if he upped and left for several days before coming back.

Where did he go? Who with? Did they change their mind about wanting him around so he has fallen back on the reserve good old wife?

I would be very careful in the near future and (probably) insist he has a full sexual health screening if you take him back and have sex with him.

Baileysandice · 30/11/2010 22:10

Monikaa is there a way you could check his phone or emails?? Play detective. He isn't telling you the full story here, agree with others totally. Be strong. Good luck. X

SnotandBothered · 30/11/2010 23:28

Monikaa for what it is worth, I work in the film industry and have done for years. All that bullshit about networking and partying is rubbish. True talent is recognised in the cold comfort of offices and studios and a good work ethic gets you much further than an ability to go out partying.

Even in the 'early days' - you would do far better to get a low paid /runner type job or hone your writing/directing skills on a course than go out partying with a bunch of wannabes. Because trust me, the parties are full of wannabes. The 'real' film people are at home with their families or working their arses off for very little money.

Your DP sounds like he is either very immature and selfish or up to no good. Sorry. Please protect yourself first and foremost - you can have a life without him, or at least set some serious rules about how it's going to be if you stay together. I wish you luck

Original poster
monikaa · 01/12/2010 09:35

Stuffing: he is working and bring money home..or he used to, not since he moved out
I already checked him up, and he is really clear, I think he is just going through some strange time....?

He came last night, I have prepared my self, put make-up on and I tried to be as cool to him as I could. We just talked about when he will be seeing children and concerning the payment for them. After a while he left.
What a surprise, half an hour later he called, exclaims that he miss me and that if we try it again, he said he made a mistake and that he wanted to return, he miss me and children. That he wanted me to "ask" to come back :)
He saw that I can do without him .... so now it will be me who will play with his feelings.
I will see what to do next....Hmm

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/12/2010 09:50

That's what the wise ladies said: that he wanted you to ask him back. You didn't, so he had to tell you what you were supposed to have done! He seems to have mistaken real life for a cheesy film script, and you for some extra in the drama.

GreenButton · 01/12/2010 10:32

Annie you are spot on - I think the whole "drama" was to put the OP in her place...

OP - if you want him back - he's got to abide by your rules and not his!!

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 01/12/2010 10:54

Monikaa, take your time. Seriously, this is a manipulation tactic, and it needs to backfire spectacularly.

IF you both get through this, you do realise that YOU call the shots here don't you?

You do realise that if you are canny, you can hang onto the strength you have shown and not take ANY of his shit again.

You are strong, you are clever and you are invincible!!

Give it time, you may decide that you can't be with someone you can't look up to, someone who plays stupid power games, by leaving and coming back. Bugger that! If you decide that he's an almighty PITA, then tell him to stay away.

KristinaM · 01/12/2010 11:05

please do not let him move back in

you might want to agree that you will go to counselling together and work towards a reconciliation

do not i repeat NOT have sex with him. however sad or lonely you feel. you will feel a hell of a lot worse when you discover that he is seeing someone else and has been for a while. its just a matter of time until you find out

I'm so sorry

remember you need to stay strong for your children and concentrate on doing practical things to secure their future - benefits, legal advice, childcare so you can go back to work etc

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 01/12/2010 11:22

Agree wholeheartedly with KristinaM

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/12/2010 12:11

If you let him come back now he will fuck off again, because he has proved to himself that you will put up with anything as long as he cries and apologises. So he can have his fun and them come home and get his dinner cooked and his pants washed. THis is all about him training you to bre his grateful, obedient servant. Does he talk about what a 'free spirit' (ie selfish wanker) he thinks he is, by any chance?

Original poster
monikaa · 01/12/2010 12:52

He is such a moron!
He just came, he packed almost the entire rest of the clothes and left. I ignored him.
He just said c u later.

He can forget that I would give him another chance!

Am so upset Angry

OP posts:
TeeBee · 01/12/2010 13:26

Let him go, he's playing you. Your kids deserve so much better, and so do you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 13:32

he is a dickhead

don't give him any more "chances"

you can do better than that

I expect he has sweet-talked his ladyfriend into letting him move in