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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband said he want the best for as.......and left

86 replies

monikaa · 28/11/2010 20:40

My H said that he loves his children (4y,1y), so much and he wants the best from them and he wants the best for me, that?s why he decided to leave. Because he likes going clubbing, partying, doing whatever he wants and not to tell me?etc.He said if he stays he wouldn't give up(his "thinks") and that would hurt me, so he better leave.
He left 3 days ago, I feel so sad and empty, I wish he will come back and put his family at first!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 29/11/2010 14:28

I hope you are doing some detective work behind the scenes OP....to find out who or what has really led to this decision. Because I don't believe this story at all.

SlightlyJaded · 29/11/2010 14:55

What Hectate said. I think he 'left' to give you the fear so that, in desperation, you would take him back on his terms.

Personally, I would do the following:

  1. Take Legal advice
  2. Tell him to stay away whilst you think about what 'conditions' you may or may not impose should you consider taking him back. If he starts getting arsy - remind him that he is already about to turn his children's lives upside down, so he can hang the fuck on for a couple of weeks.
  3. If you really want to give this another go - and it's not for me to say whether I think he will ever change - I would have one condition and that is a minimum number (you decide) of counselling/relate sessions. Tell him that you can make a decision together after that.

In the meantime. Hang on in there. You have your wonderful DCs to keep you strong and you will only end up in a better place once this is all over.

Baileysandice · 29/11/2010 15:21

Good for you for packing his stuff. Well done! He needs a wake up call. Now he shapes up, acts like a Husband and father, or you put him out with the rubbish. He can't have it both ways. Seemd to me like he went out for a fling, then realised that he cant afford to pay for two homes. Am I wrong?? Bet you there is another person involved here. Where has he been staying??!!! I smell something fishy.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2010 17:52

it stinks like fucking Billingsgate to me

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/11/2010 18:02

Yup, his leaving was to scare you into total submission, because what he wants is you to cook and clean for him and raise the children while he does what he likes. You're supposed to dread being single more than anything else in the world. However, being single is much better than being treated like a servant by a selfish man.

SlightlyJaded · 29/11/2010 18:15

and I would also ask him to clarify 'partying' because if ever there was a euphemism for 'shagging around' then that was it. Not saying he is - but to me, clubbing/partying/pulling - kind of goes with the territory. Sorry

Original poster
monikaa · 29/11/2010 20:27

He came today, it turned to disaster!
He said that there are some things he wants to achieve in his live and because of that he needs to go out and meet people?and basically am stopping him from moving further.
It's over :(

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/11/2010 20:34

so sorry, love Sad

AnyFucker · 29/11/2010 20:34

what an absolute fucking shit

Original poster
monikaa · 29/11/2010 20:43

thanks for support
I feel sad and empty :(

OP posts:
comtessa · 29/11/2010 20:50

So sorry to hear that monikaa. I hope your appointment tomorrow is helpful for you.

SlightlyJaded · 29/11/2010 21:01

Sorry to hear that Monikaa. Am Angry and Sad for you but I am also hopeful. I know it doesn't feel good now but your DP is chasing a freedom/ life of excitement that will wear thin and culminate in loneliness. By which time you will have healed and moved on.

You will be the happiest and most fulfilled inthe long run.

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/11/2010 21:38

You will feel better in time. Because you will be better off without this tosspot. One thing to do which is hard but very worthwhile is, in all your communications with him make sure you are calm and polite but indifferent. He will be expecting you to cry and beg; don't do it. If he makes a nuisance of himself ie keeps coming round and wanting to be let in/fed/have his washing done, remind him that he has left the marriage and the family home and can't just swan back in.

LittleMissHissyFit · 29/11/2010 21:54

Monikaa I am appalled at his behaviour. He has committed the ultimate treason, the abandonment of his family.

In time you will feel better, as SGB says because you will be in a better position.

Now you know where you are, now you know where you stand. This is it.

This comment about needing to meet people leads me to believe that he has already done so.

Go to the CAB, get your legal position explained and divorce him. No ifs, no buts, no hesitation. Unreasonable behaviour would cover it.

Keep posting, we will get you through this.

Baileysandice · 30/11/2010 01:08

So sorry Monikaa how are you today?? Has he moved out? If not why not? I know its hard for you but your gonna have to get tough. HE OWES YOU BIG TIME just remember that. Focus on you and kids. Good luck with lawyer. X

Sakura · 30/11/2010 01:44

Be strong. DOn't let him mess with your head. Changing the locks will be quite symbolic.

I'm really quite traumatised on your behalf that he casually turned up and spent the night in your DD'S room after driving a tank through your life.

Get organized. Get a lawyer.

lucky1979 · 30/11/2010 07:44

I think he was expecting to swan back in and have you throw yourself at him, crying and begging him to stay, that you would work it out etc etc.

Coming home to find all his stuff in the loft must have been a huge shock. So he's resorted to his second, rather lame defence of "Oh but I HAVE to go clubbing. For work."

But you have been so strong and brilliant and haven't let him manipulate you. Your DC ar very lucky to have a mum like you.

snowflake69 · 30/11/2010 08:32

'and I would also ask him to clarify 'partying' because if ever there was a euphemism for 'shagging around' then that was it. Not saying he is - but to me, clubbing/partying/pulling - kind of goes with the territory. Sorry'

Dont be ridiculous. I go out clubbing every week and have never cheated on my husband.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/11/2010 09:07

Snowflake I'm assuming that if you left your marriage and your DCs because you wanted to go clubbing more, your H would be entitled to suspect that you might indeed be cheating?

Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 09:46

his family called yesterday and asked what's going on? I said to his parents whats happening, they said they will speak to him...
He called later on, we spoke,and both tried to explain their sides...
He said that he wants to come over to speak more, but I refused and said he can come tomorrow (which is today).
Am not sure if I want to give him another chance Hmm I can't stay with him because of our dd's only!
Anyway am going to c lawyer in next hour and will see.
Am a bit confused from him and all what he said hurts :(

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 30/11/2010 09:54

If you give him 'another chance' he will carry on doing what he likes and no longer bther to hide it. He thinks that you will put up with anything so as not to be single, you are clearly tougher and smarter than that.
Unfortunately, if his name is on the mortgage/deeds/tenancy agreement of the house youcan't legally just go ahead and change the locks and if you do he is legally entitled to break in. A solicitor will be able to advise you on occupation orders/forced sale of the house or whatever is applicable, there are ways of stopping this man from just coming and going as he pleases, but it's best to do it all the right legal way.
Good luck.

ValiumSingleton · 30/11/2010 09:55

Wow, poor you. I agree with other posters though, it's important that you be strong. He needs to see that you also have decisions to make now.

As another poster said, he can't be allowed back in to the family he created, but yet treat the home like a "doss house with sex perks". I would change the locks. If he chose to leave and 'cant give up his things' (clubbing?) then that's not good enough.

From a woman's perspective, imagine a mother leaving her home,children and husband because she really liked clubbing. Confused

Don't be hurt by what he says because it's not you. You're comfortable in your own skin, not driven so crazy with boredom in your own home that you need to escape! He should envy you your contentment. He sounds so pathetically restless and dissatisfied.

I hope it goes well with the solicitor later.

Original poster
monikaa · 30/11/2010 09:59

he gave me his house keys last night.
am just so confused and not sure what to do?

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 30/11/2010 10:00

SGB, What about a ball and chain when you're in the house, is that allowed?

I agree with you btw, if he senses that OP is SO afraid of losing him being single that she will accept anything to avoid losing him, then he can come back, and come and go as he pleases without even bothering to hide it. He'll just say "oh if you're not happy we should split up" and that'll be his trump card to get away with murder if he knows from the way you reacted to this episode that you can't face being single.

Let him know you are brave enough to face being single and that you won't tolerate his antics.

ValiumSingleton · 30/11/2010 10:03

Ah he gave you his keys?

How very noble of him. Well, it makes things easier for you. Tell the solicitor this.

It's going to be hard, but you will make your long term future easier and better if you are stronger now.

My children were 4 and 1 when I became a single parent and it's hard to be a single parent to two young children, but it sounds like he wasn't much help anyway. It gets easier. Every six months or so you realise it has got another BIT easier.